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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think my family are being selfish about Christmas?

50 replies

Norskii · 15/12/2016 21:22

DH and I have 4 DC, our youngest is only a few months old.

We either go to DF and step mother's house for Christmas or travel for 7 hours to DH's family.

My step mother's DC aren't going to be around for Christmas this year for various reasons so she has decided not to 'do' Christmas... We have invited them here, they say they'll 'pop in' but have refused to come for lunch. I have explained to DF that it's not all about step mother and her family, he has family and Grandchildren too who really want to spend Christmas with him, even if it's only for Christmas dinner. He's said no.

DB and his wife are spending it with my mother. My mother and I don't get on. DB has said he can't even 'pop in' to see us as he will be drinking.

My uncle and cousins haven't responded to an offer of a get together between Christmas and New Year as they are upset that I didn't attend my cousins wedding in Ireland (I was 9 months pregnant).

We don't want to travel to DH's family this year as it's quite far and we have a new baby. SIL, BIL and their son don't want to come to us as they want their son to wake up in his own house on Christmas day. Other BIL will only come if he can bring his dog which we don't have space for unfortunately as MIL might be coming and bringing her two dogs as a condition of her visit.

I just feel really upset that no one wants to spend Christmas with us and the kids won't get to see extended family this year... I don't think we're that awful!

AIBU?

OP posts:

harderandharder2breathe · 15/12/2016 22:33

Glad you're feeling more positive OP, I hope you enjoy a quietish Christmas

Yoarchie · 15/12/2016 22:38

Fuckedy fuck, it's great having Christmas with just me dh and dc. Be happy nobody is coming to bother you and have a nice time!

holidaysaregreat · 15/12/2016 22:55

We have this every year - have my Mum coming this year which is unusual. In laws refuse to have dinner with us in case they upset DH sister - which is where they usually disappear for a few days. We have tried inviting people to us - asking around a bit before and still we don't get invited either! So we have given up now and spend time with friends over Christmas.
If you have 4 DC then it will surely be pretty busy and festive without extended family?

haveacupoftea · 15/12/2016 23:00

YABVU. People have a right to spend Christmas how they want. You cant blame a family for wanting their child to wake up in their own house Christmas morning - nor can you expect MIL to just abandon her dogs - they need looking after!

Baylisiana · 15/12/2016 23:01

What about the BIL who can only come if there is room for his dog? Do he and ddog have somewhere else to go?

skyblu · 16/12/2016 05:15

Sorry OP but I think YABU.
Perhaps if SM 'does' Christmas every year, the prospect of getting a year 'off' appeals to them & they want to enjoy a quiet Xmas dinner together, as husband & wife. They've said they will pop in so they are not taking the whole day for themselves.
You say it's not all about SMs family, but it's not all about you either.

You'll see them still, you can all have a drink together & open some pressies.
You have MIL coming, couple of dogs & all your lovely children! Sounds a plentiful houseful to me & the recipe for a lovely Christmas.
Your DCs get to spend it as a close family until, shared with DGPs. Only negative thoughts will spoil that.

Starsandcars9 · 16/12/2016 05:41

Yanbu - it's rubbish when family just expect you to make all the effort. And it's hurtful when people don't really care about seeing you over Xmas. My family have done similar - we have said sod you then and booked a week away. I think they will regret missing Xmas with our 2 dc in the end so their loss not ours!

SantasJockstrap · 16/12/2016 06:09

Talking from experience , the best Christmases we have had, as a family have been spent in our own home.

We have spent Christmas at other family's houses and it is pretty bleak to be fair:-
Your own children having to leave behind toys and presents at home to go to someone elses house

Never enough seating. A five hour sit on half a chair cushion, anyone? With an aunt practically on your knee

Doing Christmas someone elses way - watching what they want to watch on tv, eating the food they want to serve, etc is pretty bleak.

Sitting watching your hosts get drunk, you cant as you have to drive home!

I know people mean well, but this forced jollity is just that, FORCED. I would certainly be happy to never have Christmas at someone elses house again

GizmoFrisby · 16/12/2016 10:09

Yanbu

I hate families at Christmas there's always some selfish individuals causing an argument. My moto this year is fuck them all. Me my dp and this kids are going to have an amazing Christmas wether we see anyone else or not. Can't be arsed with it.

Oysterbabe · 16/12/2016 10:19

Sounds great! We're having Christmas with just DH, me and DD and I'm so excited. A year without dragging ourselves backwards and forwards across the country visiting relatives and camping out in our childhood bedrooms. Pleasing ourselves all day and properly relaxing, bliss.

Graphista · 16/12/2016 10:27

Understand where you're coming from - you've made the effort in the past for them and they won't for you (meaning your immediate family).

But as there's 6 of you it will still be fun and no accommodating others wishes and whims.

It's just me and dd this year again. It will be quiet but... No 5 am wake up (very young niece and nephews) no arguments, no tension, no eating when not hungry, watching tv we don't want to and missing the stuff we do want to watch, eating and doing what we want to.

dowhatnow · 16/12/2016 10:28

So it's not worth "doing Christmas" if it's only your family there and not step mums? That sucks! And wtaf is it about the dog waking up in its own home?
Although people do like traditions and in dh's family it seems like you are breaking it by suggesting something different. I wouldn't take it too personally - except for step mum. That just shows what she thinks of you and your dad shouldn't let her

DailyFail1 · 16/12/2016 11:23

Your stepmum was a bit of a cunt tbh. You should he just as important to her as her dc.

mouldycheesefan · 16/12/2016 11:28

Sounds lovely, Xmas just your family without catering to the whims of others. I don't see problem. Will the kids really care if grandad doesn't stay for Xmas dinner, I doubt it. So you do have family coming they just don't want to have dinner with you. I can't see the issue.

Original poster

Norskii · 16/12/2016 12:09

Feeling much more positive about it now. MIL has said she is coming which is brilliant, so we'll just have a lovely Christmas at home.

Probably do the same next year! Do feel a bit let down by DF and step mother. If we go there next year we'll feel like spare wheels knowing it wouldn't be going ahead of it wasn't for her DC.

OP posts:

user1480946351 · 16/12/2016 12:10

Your stepmum was a bit of a cunt tbh. You should he just as important to her as her dc

Such bollocks. Why should someone elses children be as important to you as your own? And why blame the SM when its OPs dad who can't be arsed? Always blame the woman....

FaFoutis · 16/12/2016 14:00

I agree, it is the dad's fault,
Stepmother is quite likely to be a cunt, but it's the dad's responsibility to deal with that so it doesn't affect his relationship with his dcs.

ShowMePotatoSalad · 16/12/2016 14:05

YABU. If they don't want to spend the day with you that's their choice. They're coming in to see you and the grandkids for a bit (so your kids will see them), and then presumably they're going off to have a relaxing couple-type day. Good for them.

ShowMePotatoSalad · 16/12/2016 14:06

Of course the stepmum would get the blame and labelled a "cunt". How utterly hate-filled and ridiculous.

Original poster

Norskii · 16/12/2016 15:14

He just basically follows whatever she wants/doesn't want to do whe. It comes to family. We invited him a few Christmases ago when they first got together but he wanted to spend it with her and therefore her family. That's fine, but it would be good if he could take the fucking initiative sometimes and share the time out fairly.

OP posts:

Original poster

Norskii · 16/12/2016 15:16

It also annoys me that before they got together he had nowhere to go at Christmas so we would always happily invite him. Now it seems he has a better option he's just tossed us aside.

OP posts:

PeppaPigTastesLikeBacon · 16/12/2016 15:17

I don't think YABU to be upset, but on Christmas people should do what THEY want to do. People get so wound up over 1 day of the year.
Just enjoy it however it ends up being. You have 4dcs to enjoy it with. Some people spend it by themselves

BackforGood · 16/12/2016 15:26

YABU. Everyone else has the choice how they want to spend Christmas, just as you do. Many people would find 4 small dc, including a newborn a bit overwhelming and would just like a peaceful Christmas.

EatsShitAndLeaves · 16/12/2016 15:44

Honestly OP you'll have a great time.

I'd love a Christmas where I don't have to cook for 12 people for 3 days .

Bless them - I'm lucky to have lovely parents and in laws, but it is bloody hard work!

Think about the things that you can do with less people - same budget but maybe splash out on some luxury food etc that you wouldn't have had, posh crackers etc

Imagine a sofa you can lay out on after dinner while your tummy is bursting because you don't need 3 people to sit on it .

AyeAmarok · 16/12/2016 15:55

I think YABU in all cases except your dad. I get why you feel like your SM, and so your dad, have decided that it's only worth making an effort if your SM's DC are going. That would hurt a bit. It's your dad's fault though.

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