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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be so annoyed with dp?

39 replies

MsMarvel · 15/12/2016 20:40

Months ago, I had the idea that we could do up dsd's room for Xmas from Santa. (Posted about it at the time!) ran it all past dp who agreed that it would be good, and we discussed how possible it would be. Decided that we would have just under a week to do it, as she is only here at weekends. Said to dp that if he had any extra time with her on the run up to Christmas that he would need to arrange it to be at his mums, his sisters or his grans, who all stay within 2 mins of us.

He has now announced that he will be having her all day on friday, and that its not fair on her to not be able to come up to the house. So this will leave us 24 hours to gut and organise her pit room, paint and put up a wall sticker, dismantle old bed, build new bed, and have everything ready to be slept in on the 25th. Its just not possible based on painting alone, never mind all the rest of the stuff that will need to be done after the paint dries.

Dp is refusing to find a solution for this. Saying its not far for dsd to not be able to stay at home at this time of year. AIBU to think a sleepover at her aunties or her grand (which she loves doing!) is hardly that much of an inconvenience??

OP posts:

Original poster

MsMarvel · 15/12/2016 21:06

The backstory to this issue is that dp is stressed just now, which is causing health issues. Suffering from and constant indigestion and high blood pressure, which is in the process of being investigated.

But its so frustrating watching him cause stressful situations for himself, causing bigger issues out of things that have easy solutions that he is deciding to rule out. He manages to create issues out of nothing, which is affecting his health.

Is this caused by the stress, and should I be more understanding of this? This is something that I can't offer any help with, its up to him to make arrangements with his ex, and at the end of the day, he has final say on what happens with dsd.

OP posts:

Castleheights · 15/12/2016 21:09

He doesn't want to decorate her room

monkeywithacowface · 15/12/2016 21:13

Sounds like he doesn't want to do the room for whatever reason? Maybe he's not feeling up to it. Tell him you won't do the room in 24 hours so if dsd is coming it won't be getting done and then say no more about it. On the face of it he sounds like he's being an arse but if he is stressed and unwell that is probably colouring his decision making.

Original poster

MsMarvel · 15/12/2016 21:14

We have everything bought. Paint, wall sticker, bed getting delivered tomorrow morning. All in all its cost us about £250 just for stuff for the room. With then toys and stuff on top of that.

If he didn't want to do it, he should have said when I suggested it.

OP posts:

Original poster

MsMarvel · 15/12/2016 21:15

I did say that if we only have one day then its not enough time and that we won't be able to do it. He got annoyed and told me to let him sort it, but that he can't think about it just now.

I'm trying to be as understanding as possible, I understand he has limited headspace just now, but there is a fast approaching deadline for this, and there is nothing I can do until he sorts it. It needs to be him.

OP posts:

DailyFail1 · 15/12/2016 21:18

Can you get started on it earlier?

Cuttingthecheese · 15/12/2016 21:22

So, let him sort it. Why are you pushing it so hard?

mickeysminnie · 15/12/2016 21:24

Just tell him, fine, he needs to sort out her alternative present.

mickeysminnie · 15/12/2016 21:25

Sorry crossed post. As cuttingthecheese said take a step back and let him get on with it!

Original poster

MsMarvel · 15/12/2016 21:26

Can't get started on it while she's here or going to be here before christmas, as its Santa's elves that are doing it.

I don't think I'm pushing too hard, for the last few months I've been thinking we will have a week to get everything done, which was going to be tight in the first place, as we both work.

Literally in the last few hours I've been told that no actually its going to be more likely less than 24 hours , with no plan on how this is actually going to work.

I am a planner and like to know what's happening. I have 101 other things to do on Xmas eve, and can't prioritise spending the whole day painting and organising.

Im reluctant to just leave it and let it not happen , as a lot of money has already been spent on the fact that its happening.

OP posts:

Gymnopedies · 15/12/2016 21:30

Skip the painting, just put sticker and new bed. You can do the painting at a later date.

TimidLividyetagain · 15/12/2016 21:31

But if it's not happening and u don't have enough time just put it aside and get her some thing else. Or do it up in the new year so as not to waste the stuff. He doesn't want to do it now and u dint have enough time so change the plan even if it's disappointing. Stressing him out if he doesn't want to do it in time will suck any joy out of it

PoldarksBreeches · 15/12/2016 21:31

How old is she? Does it really need to be a complete surprise?

GeorgeTheThird · 15/12/2016 21:32

Well it's a shame but he's going to bollocks it up and you're probably going to have to let him. I'd start on the wine if I were you.

TalkingofMichaelAngel0 · 15/12/2016 21:33

Hire a decorator and bill your husband.

CheshireChat · 15/12/2016 21:35

I'd do it after Christmas tbh, I like the idea, but it's just not feasible.

winefortea · 15/12/2016 21:35

How old is she? I know you've said you don't think you could start on it earlier, but is there no way you could seal the room off and have her sleep somewhere else in the house for the night? A spare room or even give her your room while you sleep on the sofa/ You could say there was a leak or something and tell her not to go in and keep the door shut, and if puts 2 and 2 together and she asks about it after Christmas just say that the elves needed to come earlier as they are so busy round Christmas so they asked you if they could and you said yes. If she's young enough to still believe she would probably buy that...

Original poster

MsMarvel · 15/12/2016 21:42

She's 8 so still believes in Santa but probably coming to the end of believing.

When I had the idea I asked dp about logistics of the time it takes to get it done, and seemed really on board. But seems to be making a u turn now. Its just annoying that he's apparently not really given it any thought until now, said the right things to shut me up, and now realised that he doesn't want to do it. It means that a lot of the time I've spent over the last month or so (late night shop runs, ordering online, picking paint etc) has all been a complete waste of time. If I knew that earlier I would have been less stressed out myself trying to plan it all.

How much of this do you think is the stress stopping him from planning, or is it just a big case of disregard to my time and efforts gone in to trying to sort this? I feel completely disregarded tbh.

OP posts:

Purplebluebird · 15/12/2016 21:50

Can you not just give her a christmas card saying she will get a new room, but from you and him - rather than santa? then santa can get her a small present instead. I mean, when would santa have time to come and paint her room anyway :P He's busy making toys!

PhilODox · 15/12/2016 21:52

Could stuff like the decor/wall stickers etc be under the tree for her? So you could just get the painting done?

howaboutyoudont · 15/12/2016 21:54

YANBU. You have put a lot of thought and time and money into this already and it's a fantastic gesture and present which she will love, if it actually gets done.
I understand he is under pressure and stressed but now so are you! You have every right to be upset and frustrated with the situation regardless of DPs personal issues at the moment.
Maybe have a calm, open heart to heart and explain how this is affecting you

Benedikte2 · 15/12/2016 21:55

MsMarvel you are perfectly entitled to feel frustrated as hell with your DP. The plans you describe sound lovely and you've put a lot of time and thought into them. Does she need to stay the night? If not can you lock the room? If not just give her the new bed etc and do the redecorating for her birthday or Easter, or something. Do not whack yourself out trying to manage it by yourself and end up as stressed as your DP or Christmas will be a nightmare. Did you get new bed linen, duvet etc? That with the new bed will be a sufficient surprise for DSD. Or if you can get the rest done after Christmas tell her FC couldn't spare his elves until after Christmas because they were too busy making toys etc.
Good luck

OvertiredandConfused · 15/12/2016 21:56

My son had one of those high beds with a desk under for Christmas when he was six. He got a letter from Santa explaining that the elves couldn't fit it in the sleigh and assemble it on Christmas Eve. Might that help?

No idea how to manage the DP issue!

chocolateworshipper · 15/12/2016 21:56

Agree with winefortea - seal off her room. Build her a den somewhere else in the house for Friday - she'll love it.

HeddaGarbled · 15/12/2016 22:08

I understand. You had a great idea of a lovely surprise you could organise for her and you've put time and effort into choosing everything. Planning this sort of surprise is fun and you are disappointed that it's not going to come off as planned.

But, I do think you've got a bit carried away.

On one of my birthdays as a young adult, my flatmates organised a surprise for me but unfortunately the surprise involved lots of secret conversations which stopped whenever I walked into the room and I started to feel excluded from all the fun. It came from a good place but they hadn't realised that I would rather be part of it all.

Stopping your step daughter from staying with her dad and you in her home in order to push through your plan is not the right way to go. Rethink your plan to accommodate both her and your husband and what they really want not what you want them to want.

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