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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

.. to be upset about the croissants?

122 replies

AnnaMagdalene · 15/12/2016 10:19

My partner is forgetful and scatty.

My daughter is home from university. We had arranged to have breakfast together and have croissants - the expensive kind made with French butter. My partner would make the breakfast

For the second time in the last year or so, he decided that rather than warm them in the oven he would place them under a hot grill and forget about them.

I came downstairs to a kitchen full of acrid smoke. The croissants were inedible. The house still smells of burning.

I asked my partner what he was thinking of. He said he was listening to the radio and thinking about Aleppo, so he turned the oven switch the wrong way.

I just feel tired and sad. Like giving up.

OP posts:

TimTamTerrier · 15/12/2016 11:59

So he's not upset enough about the situation in Aleppo to do anything about it, but he is so upset that he can't be held responsible for the consequences of his own actions or even be expected to do simple household tasks?

Incidentally, those of you criticising the OP for being upset when things are worse in Aleppo, did you eat something you enjoyed in the last 24 hours or have you been too upset about Aleppo to eat at all? This morning I cleaned up a massive shower gel spill in the bathroom that someone else left for me to find. Did I even think about Aleppo? No, I swore and muttered venomous threats as I cleaned. When I think about disasters I give to an associated charity, when I'm dealing with the (admittedly mostly minor) shit stuff in my life then I'm thinking about that.

I recommend relationship counselling, if he'll go. My annoying H improved a lot after he had to justify his mindset to a stranger. It can also be quite helpful for your own peace of mind to not assign blame, because you know he'll deny fault to his dying breath. Instead say, "oh well, mistakes happen. How are you going to fix it?"

Original poster

AnnaMagdalene · 15/12/2016 11:59

Heating up Taste the Difference croissants.

OP posts:

JennyHolzersGhost · 15/12/2016 12:01

Ok OP so the good news is that your child rearing days are over so the only person you need to be responsible for is you. That's great bevause it gives you so much more flexibility in tackling this.
I'd like to suggest three possible areas for thought - see which one feels most instinctively comfortable to you ....

move work activities out of the house. Either your DH rents workspace or perhaps you have room for a separate office in the garden ? I know you say his business doesn't make enough money for it to be financially worthwhile to rent a space but if it helps your happiness at home while enabling him to carry on doing something he enjoys then it's not money wasted (assuming you have some leeway in your finances of course).
prioritise your career - whether that's doing some training or looking for a more challenging role outside the home or whatever direction you fancy going in. See how that goes and hopefully build up some financial independence and then review the state of your marriage at a later date.
separate from your H and get a place of your own. Then work out your future career options etc from there.

I'm not proposing any of this as a response to burnt croissants btw but you sound unhappy and it's worth examining that. Life's too short to allow it to drag on like this.

BitOutOfPractice · 15/12/2016 12:02

I know you didn't idiotxit. You commented that you might have missed a bit where the OP said her DH was a lazy arse in other ways and leaves shit jobs to her. So I quoted a bit where that's precisely what she said yerself

JennyHolzersGhost · 15/12/2016 12:07

Maybe I should have put 'you feel that ...' or 'your DH sounds ...' before the contentious section of my post. I was sympathising with the OP. Not pronouncing damnation on her DH's eternal soul.

WooWooSister · 15/12/2016 12:07

It's not too late to prioritise what you want to do. It sounds as though you feel trapped by your DH's new proximity as well as his inability to cope with simple tasks. Can either of you work elsewhere eg rent a small office or even base yourself in a local library/cafe? Give each other some space and separate yourself from his ongoing cycle of mini crises (whether it be croissants or the work for his business that he is letting slip or the overflowing laundry basket).
You mind find Relate helpful. Go on your own and try to find a new direction for your life that isn't structured round supporting your DH.
For today, can you take your DD out for a nice lunch or go for a coffee? Something to compensate for the breakfast upset.

Idiotxit · 15/12/2016 12:07

yerself

Okkaaayy…

Anyway, OP. There are some useful suggestions here, and I hope you manage to enjoy Christmas as a family, despite this morning.

JennyHolzersGhost · 15/12/2016 12:08

It can be very claustrophobic to have both people at home most of the time btw OP. It's not surprising that he gets on your nerves

Original poster

AnnaMagdalene · 15/12/2016 12:09

There's plenty to think about for the New Year.....

Thanks for your thoughts.

OP posts:

PeteSwotatoes · 15/12/2016 12:11

I think it's odd that your DD doesn't do the laundry. The rule in our house has always been that, if you find a job, you do it. I've done my own laundry since I was about 12, and if there's already stuff in the machine I will hang it out before putting mine in.

BitOutOfPractice · 15/12/2016 12:12

Sorry idiotxit but I think putting at the end of your post was pretty...not aggressive that's not the right word...maybe overly confrontational so I thought I'd give you one back

Have a instead. I'm actually in quite the good mood

Dulcimena · 15/12/2016 12:25

OP I remember reading your other thread. You sound exhausted. Have you spoken with your DH about hoe you feel? It sounds as though he's a bit of a dreamer (putting it mildly) and you are expected to parent him, your DD and your step-DC while trying to maintain with your own life. His business reads just like a drawn out after school club tbh. No wonder you're tired and fed up.

Obviously it's not about the croissants or Aleppo, but something clearly needs to change in your life. What specifically needs to be different for you to feel better in the situation, and how can you make those changes?

Dulcimena · 15/12/2016 12:26

*how...

AngryPrincess · 15/12/2016 12:28

No. You are not being unreasonable to be upset. You are always entitled to your feelings, and it was a big deal for you.
Hope you get another nice breakfast.

SaucyJack · 15/12/2016 12:33

"Incidentally, those of you criticising the OP for being upset when things are worse in Aleppo, did you eat something you enjoyed in the last 24 hours or have you been too upset about Aleppo to eat at all?"

Don't be silly TimTam.

Most of us on here are women. It's only teh poor menz who can't possibly be expected to reheat ready made croissants and listen to the radio at the same time.

Klaphat · 15/12/2016 12:54

I can't get over the multiple responses of 'your DD is 18 now, why isn't she doing it?' to a grown ass retired man being unwilling to even do some fucking laundry properly. That's right, get the DD to take over more, then you won't notice he's such a shit.

Wookiecookies · 15/12/2016 13:02

timtam read the OP's first post before you at everyone's criticism of croissants vs allepo. Its a drip feed aibu, you cannot blame pp's for not knowing the back story!!!

And that is me done with this thread. Sorry you are going through a tough time OP.

TimTamTerrier · 15/12/2016 13:30

Even based on the opening post as a standalone I don't think there was any call for implying that the OP was a horrible person for being affected by things in her own life, no matter what is happening in the world. Just the attitude that the OP's H had in the first post is the kind of shit that my H used to pull. Nothing was ever his fault and if I said or even implied that I was the slightest bit upset at having plans changed or my stuff damaged then that just proved that I was a horrible person to be upset at him because he was a good, caring person doing his best.

Katy07 · 15/12/2016 13:35

Sometimes it is the tiniest of trivial things that seem too much. And when they're caused by someone else's stupidity....

S1lentAllTheseYears · 15/12/2016 14:40

Cheap of him to cite an atrocity like that as an excuse for his own silly mistakes

I agree with this :(

My DH gets very defensive if about stuff like this and there is ALWAYS an excuse and I am made to feel like the unreasonable one for being upset. I get things like "Oh, I just can win, can I?" accompanied by a hurt face etc etc

TimTamTerrier - it's exactly like that and it eats away at you!

I'm sorry you are having a bad time, op

Have you see this thread www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2667694-Thread-for-those-who-have-left-marriages-that-werent-AWFUL-just-unsatisfying-pt-II?pg=1

I have not posted on there but have been following for a while.

Original poster

AnnaMagdalene · 15/12/2016 15:05

I asked what had been on his mind while the breakfast is burning.

Often this sort of thing happens when he has taken on too much and is preoccupied with trying to fit everything in.. So then we'll talk about what the immediate priorities are.

This morning, however, it was the news which had taken all his attention. He always has to listen to the 'Today' programme on Radio 4.

I find it hard to cope with news of political confrontation and disaster first thing, so since his retirement he makes breakfast - so vacate the kitchen in order that he can have his fix of bad news blasting away.

OP posts:

StiginaGrump · 15/12/2016 16:27

And so your marriage is unhappy - Christ leave it you could live in a flat, - boat, a motor home and have your own space and things. You could meet new friends, new men and have fun - it doesn't matter that your earning power is low it matters that you are free to count your blessings and move forwards.

So with the update I would leave your charmless dh and dd who can do her own laundry. How are these problems yours? Make yourself an omelette and stop expecting a croissant to make you happy ( he won't change but you can)

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