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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

.. to be upset about the croissants?

122 replies

AnnaMagdalene · 15/12/2016 10:19

My partner is forgetful and scatty.

My daughter is home from university. We had arranged to have breakfast together and have croissants - the expensive kind made with French butter. My partner would make the breakfast

For the second time in the last year or so, he decided that rather than warm them in the oven he would place them under a hot grill and forget about them.

I came downstairs to a kitchen full of acrid smoke. The croissants were inedible. The house still smells of burning.

I asked my partner what he was thinking of. He said he was listening to the radio and thinking about Aleppo, so he turned the oven switch the wrong way.

I just feel tired and sad. Like giving up.

OP posts:

Idiotxit · 15/12/2016 11:25

He insisted on giving everybody second helpings, and then I found the leftovers for lunch were two tiny chicken wings. Meaning that I have to cook from scratch

I don't know OP, I hear that you're trapped and unhappy, but is your DH actually the cause of it, or are you just feeling dissatisfied with the choices you've made?

ChardonnayKnickertonSmythe · 15/12/2016 11:27

I would try and sort out some practical stuff first.

Kitchen alarm clock for the DH for Christmas?

Any chance you can get a dishwasher? Don't want to go all Marie Antoinette on you, but it will make things easier for you in the long term.

pklme · 15/12/2016 11:28

I'm with you OP.

Looking forward to a special breakfast which is spoiled by someone's inattention is disappointing. I feel upset if posh croissants get ruined, or the posh orange juice gets drunk a pint at a time so there is none left. Our Christmas breakfast is posh croissants and not from concentrate orange juice...

It doesn't mean you don't care about the people in Alleppo, or think your problems are more important than theirs. They are your problems though, and a DH who isn't a team player is a pain in the arse.

And for those who accuse women who do more homemaking wifely stuff than they want to of being martyrs and say we should just stop... If we do that then the whole family thing disintegrates and we become just people who house share! I might have read a bit more into this than is there though, so feel free to ignore...

tangerino · 15/12/2016 11:29

It sounds like a lot of resentment and unhappiness has built up over the years, so each individual tiny thing (burnt croissants, not leaving enough food for lunch etc) becomes another reminder of all that resentment and unhappiness.

In your shoes I'd be thinking about seeing a counsellor to talk through how you feel about things.

HermioneJeanGranger · 15/12/2016 11:29

A family isn't one person doing everything

MovingOnUpMovingOnOut · 15/12/2016 11:33

I think you need an adventure. One away from the drudgery.

What would happen if you packed a bag tomorrow and just went somewhere? Or if you jacked it all in to be an au pair in abroad?

I totally get what you mean now you have explained it. It's that "what is the bloody point?" feeling. The one where you feel life is passing you by.

YelloDraw · 15/12/2016 11:33

Why isn't an 18 year old cooking and washing for herself?

To be fair, my mum would have made lunch for me when I was home from uni! Or we would have made it together at least. I wouldn't have eaten on my own unless she was out.

And also she would have done my washing even though I was completely capable of doing it myself. She STILL tries to tell me to bring washing home even though I'm 30, have been doing my own washing since I was 16 at boarding school and live in another city so hardly likely to be taking dirty washing home with me on the train!

Mum managed to both make me self sufficient and appreciative of her, whilst also still spoiling me. Not entirely sure how she managed that.

EverythingEverywhere1234 · 15/12/2016 11:35

Well... I'm sorry but I couldn't help think 'if that's your biggest problem...' while reading this. What's with all the melodramatics?! You feel like giving up over a daft mistake from your DH? Come on. 'For the second time in the last year or so' made me laugh to be honest, the fact you even remember something so inconsequential is ridiculous. There MUST be more to this. You clearly are not happy with your life.
Then I read on. And to be honest, I think a lot of your problems with you DH are fixable. Maybe he is a bit useless right now but he hasn't actually had to do ANYTHING for years while you make yourself a martyr run around after him and your DD. He won't change now. Have you had a serious sit down, this is how it needs to be chat? I presume you have as you say it's 'his job'.
On top of that though, I don't think it does come down to your DH, I think it comes down to you and the fact you chose to make yourself into a housewife rather than pursuing a career for yourself and you resent him for that now.
Furthermore, why the fuck would your adult daughter look at washing 'piling up' then go and have the nerve to ask when the washing was being done?! She should do it herself.

Original poster

AnnaMagdalene · 15/12/2016 11:36

I think there is a difficult dynamic in that

a) I used to work from home - still do - while my husband was working long hours. So I did do the traditional 'housewife' stuff.
b) We have tended to operate quite collectively. Somebody makes meals for everyone in the household - rather than everybody doing their own thing. Yes, it tends to have been either me or my husband.
c) My husband has never been good at getting my daughter or his own children to do more round the house. The impetus has always come from me.
d) My daughter is in many ways quite a 'good' young woman. Not impolite. Hard-working. Did well at school, has continued to do well at university. I think it is more that she sort of expects things to carry on in the way they always used to carry on, so there has to be a kind of prompting for things to change. If she was 'difficult', then there would probably have been more arguments about what had to be done by who.

My stepchildren are now grown up. My daughter is in her second year at university.

I don't exactly think I made the wrong choice with my husband in that I was glad to have the opportunity to have a child. In some ways it was very satisfying to have placed a priority on looking after/being with her - though I worked too.

It's just that my working life has been very chaotic, fragmented and I don't think I every thought properly about how vulnerable that made me in economic terms. (My biggest mistake.)

It's more that nothing seems to fit or work now that she is grown-up. I feel that now my husband doesn't have the structure of a conventional job, certain aspects of his character have become a lot more apparent - and that I am struggling with that.

OP posts:

derxa · 15/12/2016 11:36

It all sounds exhausting and wearing.

EverythingEverywhere1234 · 15/12/2016 11:37

To be fair tho YelloDraw, that's only fine if everyone is happy, which your mum sounds like she was.

StrangeLookingParasite · 15/12/2016 11:42

Like giving up what?

Are you always this obtuse, or is today a special occasion?

ChardonnayKnickertonSmythe · 15/12/2016 11:43

Just sit them down and talk to them.
Separately might be better.

Lots of changes in your arrangements, no wonder you are struggling.

Hellochicken · 15/12/2016 11:44

My DF burns toast (setting off smoke alarm) on a (at least) weekly basis and has for the past 4+ years since he changed from toaster to the grill (he eats toast once or twice everyday). He then scrapes the burnt crumbs into the sink.
My DM just makes her own toast!

Really I think to be upset about croissants is ridiculous. It is a waste of food but he didnt set out to burn them.

YelloDraw · 15/12/2016 11:45

To be fair tho YelloDraw, that's only fine if everyone is happy, which your mum sounds like she was.

Yeah but it is a bit embarrassing looking back reasliing how little was asked of me.

PurpleDaisies · 15/12/2016 11:45

Really I think to be upset about croissants is ridiculous. It is a waste of food but he didnt set out to burn them.

Have you really never been upset about something totally trivial when you're in the middle of a rough time?

ILostItInTheEarlyNineties · 15/12/2016 11:45

Perhaps the cause of your upset is your disappointment with your partner.

It sounds as though he continually makes empty promises and doesn't deliver; the business he had grand plans for but you are picking up the slack, the chores he agrees to undertake and doesn't, the breakfast he promised to prepare but neglects. It's like not only is your happiness is not a priority for him, he is unrepentant for any mistakes, using flimsy reasons to excuse himself from blame. You end up being taken for granted and resentful.

That said, your daughter is home for Christmas and it would be a real shame to spoil her visit stewing over this.It might be an idea to do something together to clear your head and take you out of yourself for a while. Even if that's just a long walk or watching a silly film together today.

BitOutOfPractice · 15/12/2016 11:46

It does sound very wearing OP

And I understand that it's not "just croissants". It's the food you were looking for ruined, it's the wanting to all sit down together ruined, it's the hoping that someone else would just take resposibility for something ruined. And that has made you wonder about a lot of things.

Idiotxit · 15/12/2016 11:48

He's careless, thoughtless and lazy, doesn't appreciate all your hard work, and leaves all the tough stuff for you to do

Unless I missed where the OP had said that, I find these threads become less helpful when a slam-dunk judgement is made, with little knowledge of the facts.

The OP's husband could be a thoroughly decent guy, but is guilty of a bit complacency and thoughtlessness as many of are when a domestic routine is entrenched.

It's nice to be supportive of the OP, but this sounds like a situation where relatively small tweaks might work as opposed to damning someone's entire character based on a few fairly innocuous misdemeanours.

BitOutOfPractice · 15/12/2016 11:48

And it is one of my biggest bugbears that people just dismiss other people's feelings as "ridiculous" or "silly" or whatever. I was married to a man who did this to me for 10 years. Anything I was upset or worried about was just me being silly. It is very undermining and upsetting.

OP if you're upset you're upset and that's that

BitOutOfPractice · 15/12/2016 11:49

Yes Idiotix you did miss the bit where OP says "I gave him a great deal of support, so he ended up just doing the things he liked and leaving me to do the dirty work."

MoonfaceAndSilky · 15/12/2016 11:52

I think the real crux of the problem is your DH is now at home and getting under your feet/on your nerves. Can't you relocate him and his business to the shed

Idiotxit · 15/12/2016 11:56

..which isn't what I quoted, Bitoutofpractice.

I get that you've derived that meaning from it, which is absolutely fine, but the OP has not said that her DH is 'careless, thoughtless and lazy.'

If someone had said that about a woman in the same situation, based on what's been said so far, the air would ring with calls of being judgemental.

I'm suggesting a bit of restraint in the character assassinations, that's all, as failing to acknowledge that people are more than the sum of a few actions isn't helpful to OP, in my view.

Sybys · 15/12/2016 11:57

Just out of interest - was he heating up store bought croissants, or was he making them from scratch? I got the impression it was the latter, which is a pretty fiddly job, and I imagine he'd have been upset to ruin them at the final hurdle too.

WhereYouLeftIt · 15/12/2016 11:59

What sort of conversations have you had with your husband? Does he know how unhappy you are?

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