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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

.. to be upset about the croissants?

122 replies

AnnaMagdalene · 15/12/2016 10:19

My partner is forgetful and scatty.

My daughter is home from university. We had arranged to have breakfast together and have croissants - the expensive kind made with French butter. My partner would make the breakfast

For the second time in the last year or so, he decided that rather than warm them in the oven he would place them under a hot grill and forget about them.

I came downstairs to a kitchen full of acrid smoke. The croissants were inedible. The house still smells of burning.

I asked my partner what he was thinking of. He said he was listening to the radio and thinking about Aleppo, so he turned the oven switch the wrong way.

I just feel tired and sad. Like giving up.

OP posts:

YelloDraw · 15/12/2016 11:02

So because Syria is fucked the OP doesn't deserve a nice breakfast? Come on people.

There is clearly a back story of her partner being thoughtless.

zorroknickers · 15/12/2016 11:04

Kurrie, it was the OP's use of the words 'acrid smoke' and the house 'still smelling of burning', juxtaposed with the trivial croissants issue and the Aleppo issue. Obviously it would be ridiculous to jump on every thread and say yes, yes, but what about Aleppo.

Anyway, sorry you are having a bad morning, OP. Suggest cornflakes next time he offers to make breakfast.

PurpleDaisies · 15/12/2016 11:05

stigina if you're amazing at organising other people's lives, what goes wrong when you're at home? Have you tried strategies such as using oven timers, phone reminders etc? Being naturally scatty is all well and good but it's a pain if you're always picking up the pieces after someone else.

UnexplainedOnHerCollar · 15/12/2016 11:06

Oh of course Aleppo is far more important that croissants! OP can still feel upset about something being ruined after careful planning to make it really nice. Just because a disaster is happening in Aleppo (and multiple other places in fact) doesn't mean we can only respond morally correctly by not caring about anything in our own lives. How daft.

I get you OP... what's he like generally? Is this a case of "incompetent husband" (/partner) as is often discussed on MN - he just generally fucks things up and can't be relied on?

MoonfaceAndSilky · 15/12/2016 11:06

My daughter said to me, 'When's the washing going to be done? All the clothes I bought back from university were dirty

Maybe she could wash her own clothes??

ChardonnayKnickertonSmythe · 15/12/2016 11:08

Could your DD do mote things round the house now she's with you?

Because with Christmas things will get even more fraught for you and you need a breather?

YelloDraw · 15/12/2016 11:08

X post OP. Sounds a bit shit for you :-(

Can you just start to look after yourself a bit more? So rather than trying to make him do all the washing (not sure why your daughter expects it to be done for her TBH!) can't you just do your own? So who cares if the laundry basket is full of his stuff cos you have yours done. He leaves his washing wet in the machine? Pull it out into a basket and leave it there if you need to use it.

So there isn't anything for lunch? Keep a stack of ready bake baguettes in and make yourself a nice sandwich. Of keep some soup in you can just hear up.

Have you tried talking to him about how unhappy you are?

Jackiebrambles · 15/12/2016 11:09

My god your university-aged daughter isn't doing her own blasted washing??

What the actual fuck? I'm utterly gob-smacked at that.

Sorry about your croissants.

UnexplainedOnHerCollar · 15/12/2016 11:10

X-posted OP - I do remember your previous thread. I'd be making plans to leave (I have left mine, it's hard but was the right decision and I'm a lot happier). Start thinking and planning - how can you earn enough money, is there capital in the house, could you afford a flat etc. Just knowing you're planning to do it can help you feel more in control, IME.

Thisjustinno · 15/12/2016 11:10

Stigina - if you've always been like this I'd have a Google of Adult ADHD.

Embolio · 15/12/2016 11:10

He sounds exhausting Anna. I think your DD is a bit cheeky though - presumably she has to do her own washing at uni, tell her to crack on with it!

Ultimately only you know what you are prepared to put up with. Do you want to separate? Sounds unlikely that he'll change at this stage if the game...

And yes, distressed as i am by the horrific situation in Aleppo, I would be pissed off about ruined croissants caused by someone being a careless tosser!

Original poster

AnnaMagdalene · 15/12/2016 11:11

We tend to do the washing collectively - everyone's stuff together - so the machine isn't on all the time with just tiny loads.

But yes, one issue is getting her to do more. We're working on it. (No, I am.)

OP posts:

KurriKurri · 15/12/2016 11:11

zorro - I get where you are coming from - really I do, man's inhumanity to man is beyond all imagination and the feeling of helplessness an desperate wanting and need to do something - anything - is often expressed as anger.

It is good to be angry - if enough people say 'enough, this cannot continue' the maybe there is a way forward. I fully respect and share your heart break over Aleppo.

I'm sorry if I went a bit preachy.

SEsofty · 15/12/2016 11:11

Can't get over the daughter not washing and cooking either.

Why do you need to ' make lunch' you are all adults let people fend for themselves

YelloDraw · 15/12/2016 11:12

stigina wow I'm impressed anyone finds your complete disaster zone endearing! Have you tried some strategies for being less 'scatty'. For example - I lost a few bank cards. Now I only ever put it straight back in my purse. I never just take bank card out (and put it in a pocket) I always take my purse. I had to buy a smaller purse to make this work.

NavyandWhite · 15/12/2016 11:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Embolio · 15/12/2016 11:12

And I say that as someone who is naturally scatty and easily distracted- I've had to learn not to be!

YelloDraw · 15/12/2016 11:14

We tend to do the washing collectively - everyone's stuff together - so the machine isn't on all the time with just tiny loads

But you don't do tiny loads. Just wait until you have enough for a full load! I don't get this 'tiny load' worry people who are caught in washing battles with their DPs have.

SapphireStrange · 15/12/2016 11:14

He sounds hapless and useless, maybe deliberately so.

If I were you I'd cook for myself and do my own washing. Leave him to have dirty clothes and nothing to eat.

I am a bit at your daughter basically demanding clean clothes though.

Wookiecookies · 15/12/2016 11:15

OMG people, it was the OP's first post that was If she has decided to drip feed the back story that none of us were aware of, then that is not anyones fault for saying she WU.

all round.

MycatsaPirate · 15/12/2016 11:17

Your adult daughter is waiting for someone to do her washing? And for someone to cook her breakfast?

Maybe your daughter could start to help in the house and then your DH won't get distracted while cooking and you could stop getting upset over a minor thing as a burnt croissant.

Bloody hell. My dp managed to drop the pie we were having for dinner a few weeks ago as he got it out of the oven. We had chip butties for tea instead. I can't get upset over a bit of burnt food.

HermioneJeanGranger · 15/12/2016 11:18

Your problem isn't the croissants. The problem is your DD doesn't do anything around the house! Why isn't an 18 year old cooking and washing for herself?

Why are you cooking lunch for grown adults? Surely they're both totally capable of making a sandwich or heating some soup or something?

JennyHolzersGhost · 15/12/2016 11:19

Right. That's better - now we can see the problem
He's careless, thoughtless and lazy, doesn't appreciate all your hard work, and leaves all the tough stuff for you to do. Meanwhile the rest of the household isn't pulling its weight either so you end up feeling like everything is about 500% more of a hassle than it should be.

How old are the kids? Do you have any still at home full time ?

As others have said, I'd be making plans to move on TBH. I know you mention your age but 50s is fine - you could still quite easily have 20 years of active and happy life ahead of you - don't fall into the sunk costs fallacy! Build a brighter future

Original poster

AnnaMagdalene · 15/12/2016 11:19

The sitting down together over (at least) one meal a day, is something we have always done as a family. We're quite foodie. (Hence croissant-related distress.)

Today the idea was that we'd also have breakfast together, as my daughter was keen to get up and do some studying.

People are going out in different directions in the evening, so having lunch together had also seemed like a good plan. I'm currently working - trying to work - from home.

When everythng runs smoothly eating this way can seem less faff - and healthier - than everyone having little snacks and microwaving up ready meals - and lots of separate dishes. (We don't have a dishwasher.)

Yes, obviously all these things can be changed if they no longer work. So there is food for thought, there

OP posts:

GinIsIn · 15/12/2016 11:23

Not sure why on earth your adult daughter can't heat up croissants or put a load of washing in.....?

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