to think I'm making my baby's sleep worse?

[lilyb84]

Ds is nearly 11 months old and a terrible sleeper. He wakes hourly to two hourly or less, often cries when he wakes and won't re-settle, and won't go in his cot beyond the first hour or two (and I'm struggling even to get him to do that).

Every weekday evening (I work ft) he's super tired after being at the childminder and just cries and feeds from the moment we get home until he's asleep. I get back after picking him up at around quarter past 6 and literally sit feeding him while I try to have some dinner before bedtime, when I feed him to sleep. Even this isn't failsafe any more as sometimes he just won't drop off for up to two hours - I have to be in a completely dark room, lying down, otherwise no joy. I then go straight to bed myself as it's normally at least 9 if not 10 by that point. After his first wake - which could be after 20 minutes or 2 hours if I'm lucky - he normally comes into bed with us and we co-sleep, as otherwise I spend the whole night awake trying to resettle him in his cot.

DH generally does most of the bedtime routine - right now he's not working so he's also been collecting ds from the childminder so I don't have to rush home from work - but ds cries most of the time he's with him (normal behaviour at this age, I know). But since ds will only feed to sleep, DH can't put him to bed - and in the night ds literally only wants boob except when he doesn't and then I'm at a total loss as to how to resettle him - so he can't help at all with any of the night waking (although wakes almost as regularly as me thanks to ds crying!).

I've never been able to put ds in his cot awake - literally I have to wait for him to detach from me, completely and utterly fast asleep, even if he's been 'sleep-sucking' for an hour, before I attempt to transfer him, as otherwise he wakes immediately and cries. If I put him down awake he screams and gets hysterical - I can't do any gradual retreat or similar as he gets so worked up.

Have I created this situation somehow? Am I making it worse by co-sleeping? I know that bf babies do naturally wake more but I can't help but feel his sleep just gets worse and worse and nothing I do seems to help. DH would love to help more but literally there's nothing he can do - ds only wants me. At night when ds wakes he's immediately crying and searching for boob, and nothing else will do.

We do have the odd 'good' evening when he's a bit happier and won't scream through his bath, or will fall asleep quickly (hurray!) and then go in his cot for 2 hours before waking - and he's also a lovely, lovely little boy who just gets more and more fun all the time. I don't really mind the night waking as I'm really used to it now, but am starting to vaguely dread going home after work as I know what awaits me!

I know all babies are different so maybe I've just ended up with one who hates sleep (don't even get me started on naps), but I can't help but feel I'm doing something wrong. Surely at nearly a year old he should be sleeping a bit better than this? Or is this just the sign of a really strong attachment and I should be happy because he's going to be so well-adjusted and clearly will sleep amazingly when he's a toddler?

Poor thing he has never learned to go to sleep. People support their children to read, to wean to walk but in some cases they don't teach them good sleep skills. Goodness knows why, good sleep for baby equals good sleep for parents.
Have you tried a sleep routine? Would you consider hiring a sleep trainer if you can't do it yourself? Surely life would be better if he slept well and you got your evenings back?
Also if you have more children do invest some time and energy into good sleep patterns for you all,
💐

Op I had a dummy until I was 3 then I sucked my thumb for years and I've no problems. Try the dummy again

If you don't express, and he won't take a bottle, how is your child carer giving him any milk during the day? At 11 months, yes he should be having solids, but it's in conjunction with milk - either formula or breast - approx 3/4 bottles a day. He might 'eat' loads, but I think you will find his tummy is prob sore from all the foods with no milk to follow.

It sounds to me like he's having breast to make his tummy feel better. All babies suck for comfort, especially if something's uncomfortable.

she was still co sleeping with her five year old and having to lie next to him for an hour to get him to go to sleep.

I know someone like that too! Some people never sleep train, there's a thread about it on the sleep board at the moment. I wouldn't risk it though. I'd go for cc, and asap - 11 months is a good age to do it, the later you leave it the worse it gets.

I think it has been worse since I went back, but given it seems to get worse every month I'd be hesitant to attribute it to my return... We definitely had a few really bad nights not long after I went back where he was literally up from 2 in the morning and wouldn't go back to sleep - that felt like separation anxiety to me. But the waking at night doesn't feel any different now to what it was before - although now I'm co-sleeping I did wonder if I was making it worse because I'm not even attempting to put him back in his cot, hence this thread...

Evenings after he gets back from the childminder are definitely more difficult and I do feel he's desperate to be with me all evening. I hope that phase will pass soon too but am not holding my breath.

My ds has a dummy too, I know I'll have to wrestle it away from him aged 4 or whatever but right now I don't care

Slightly unnecessarily judgy post there mouldy. I actually agree with the sentiment of what you're saying but all babies are different and some simply don't respond well to routine.

I did absolutely everything "perfectly" (ie putting down awake, not feeding to sleep etc) and it all worked until the 4 month sleep regression. Then we had 5 months of hell til we did cc.

peaches

My 9mo only has milk morning and evening now, he's fine

Babies self regulate. If on 3 solid meals a day then less milk is normal at this age.

mouldycheesefan this is what I was worried about - that I've failed to teach him to sleep and now may have caused ongoing problems. He has a routine - bath, teeth, story, bed - but any attempts to put him in his cot when he's not already asleep just result in hysterical crying. The longest I've gone for is an hour though and pp here have said up to two hours of crying so obviously I just haven't been brave enough!

Peaches he doesn't have milk at the childminder, just water. My mum is a hv and said that's fine. I realise he's probably catching up a bit at night but after 9 months he should have tipped the balance to a greater reliance on milk so feeding in mornings/evenings should be sufficient for his age. As far as I understand it!

Sorry, that should have said greater reliance on food not milk!

The longest I've gone for is an hour though and pp here have said up to two hours of crying so obviously I just haven't been brave enough!

Yes this is completely right, at 11 months he has a lot of staying power unfortunately.

If you do cc you have to follow it through, and you have to do it consistently for a good week before you can reliably say it isn't working.

I think his milk feeds are fine. I say that as a mum of a little girl who pretty much gave up on milk as soon as solids were properly established and her digestive issues improved ten fold. You haven't left it too late - you can sleep train and you will get a more contented baby. You've just got to figure out what will work for you and be brave. My dd cried hysterically too - a proper tantrum. But I stayed calm and repeated the lay her down and stand by the cot action over and over. She learned very quickly that she was just going to sleep and mummy would come back.

We did CC in a flat, babies cry,it's not like it goes on forever and the result is a settled baby.

For those who've done cc or other methods, what do you do when baby wakes in the night? Do you feed or just re-settle?

We did cc for all night wakings too.

Op you poor thing that sounds so hard!! I am another voter for the dummy. My DS is 10 months and although he couldn't care less about the dummy now while he is awake he absolutely would not sleep without one (and he is a good sleeper). Please give it another go, there are so many worse things than using a dummy at his age. It took a while to figure out what works for DS but the dummy and white noise app have been saviours. I leave white noise playing all night as he wakes up if I switch it off but that's really a non issue

Think we might be getting him a dummy for Christmas then!! Any recommendations? We tried Tommee Tippee previously which he refused.

Personally I wouldn't get a dummy,i think you'll be swapping one habit for another. I'd give the cc a go first.

Just get a selection. I assume he uses a bottle at the childminders so could try and find one similar to that? My DS likes the tommee tippee ones but only the orthopaedic ones but if you have a few to try then you can do trial and error. DS will sleep through every night but if he loses his dummy I get summoned but he settles straight back down. As PP said it's a comfort thing so I really hope it helps

I'm gonna go against the grain here. My ds1 was like this and naturally grew out of it. Weaned off bf at 14months. I gradually refused night time feeds. Offered water instead. Sometimes he did really want boob, but I could cuddle him to sleep. He started sleeping through at 17mo. Some of the waking was due to indigestion. So we now make sure his evening meal is carb heavy and starchy veg. He has grown out of this too now by 2.5yo.
Ds2 has a dummy and I'm looking to remove it once he stops bf. It could cause problems, but worth a try.

No bottle, he's a refuser!

If I ever have another child, I'm expressing and bottle feeding alongside bf from the start. I feel like it could have saved us a lot of trouble. I waited 6 weeks so as not to cause nipple confusion but instead created a bottle refuser

I'm confused then, how does he manage while you work? Or is it just solids?

Just solids and water from a cup.

Don't beat yourself up op, lots of babies are terrible sleepers.

Read the no cry sleep solution and Dr Jay Gordon's aproach.

If I was you (& I have been only with twins) I would first set myself up a bed in baby's room and I'd be nurising to sleep there and then when is he wakes I'd go to sleep in with him rather than move him. That would establish that sleeps happens in his room/bed not yours. I'd go for a large futon on the floor or a single bed and raised cot as a side car crib. That way his 'bed' remains the same from when you nurse him to sleep til he wakes iyswim?

I'm guessing you have gone back to work relatively recently? 11 mths is a separation anxiety age anyways so this plus adjusting to you working probadly means he is reverse cycling. So personally I'd give it a couple more mths- there is a big developmental leap around a year, so around 14 mths I would make the change to going to sleep in his 'bed' (set up as above) from awake and have dh do this- you go hide in a different room, ear plugs in and sleep. Have dh stay with him, either comfort him anyway -rocking cuddling etc- or just have him remain in the room and stay with baby through the crying. He could do pick up put down or just shhh and rub back or pay butt while baby is in his bed/cot (this is what we did). I would do this but still nurse for all night wakenings (after the first full sleep cycle) to let him adapt for a mths or so maybe then go for partial night weaning- probably til around 3/4am mark where they sleep lighter and during growth spurts may be geuniquely hungry again at this point (my kids tummy would grumble at this point).

19 mths onwards I would be fully night weaning, but still going through to cuddle in the night (once the understand no boob when sun's sleeping they will accept cuddles without looking to nurse) tbh this last stage never worked great for us until teething was finished but my kids are hugely over sensitive to pain, and we moved house during this time thrice. Once we cut out the first thing in the morning feed after teething was done they improved massively.

Nothing wrong with going for cc or cio if you prefer, just wanted you to know there is an alternative which helps them learn to sleep, gives you a break, and doesn't feel as extreeme a change.

lilyb84 i could have written your post myself. My baby Ebf, refuses the bottle or formula, doesn't use a dummy and does not like her own bed for some reason. She still wakes at night for 'feeds' I don't think she is necessarily hungry but just uses it for comfort. I am desperate to stop the night feeds because I will be going back to work.

I even give her some fruit just before bedtime just to makes sure she has a full belly. 😭👶

I'd keep doing what you are doing. Ds co slept from birth to 2 years. At 18 months he was feeding lots in the night - he didn't cry, he just woke, fed back to sleep. I would click Ewan the dream sheets music on to try and get him to have a sleep, milk, Ewan association! On his 2nd birthday he went into a bed in his room, he gave up milk a month or two later. He has slept well since, in fact he is happy to go to bed and has a routine, initially with a Ewan sheep then using a gro clock. He goes to bed, sets his clock, has 2 stories then goes to sleep. If he woke in the night he clicked on Ewan's music, now he looks at the gro clock.

He is confident, securely attached, loves nursery (despite only starting when he got his free hours).

I think he used feeding to reattach in the evening when I returned. Dh (sahd) had a routine with him during the day, but Ds only took expressed milk begrudgingly - he preferred to wait.

I'm now co sleeping with 10 month old twins. Am hoping the transition to a bed is similar. I need to start clicking Ewan on!