Feeling disappointed with husband

[chocolatebubbles]

Myself and my husband celebrated our first wedding anniversary recently. I wanted to do something special so booked a city break for us to Christmas markets as a surprise but told him three months before we were due to go to give him heads up. On the day of the anniversary I got happy anniversary from him no card or little gift. I then spent ages in shower trying to hide how sad I felt but eventually he triggered I was crying. He then tried to cover it up by giving me money (still no card) and I told him any money I get always goes on house or kids and it would have been nice to have been bought a gift so I gave him the money back. Later we're out shopping and I saw a beautiful bracelet and he said he'd buy it for me. The bracelet cost £50 more than what he had given me so he goes that will be your Christmas present too. I don't mind that too much but my AIBU is I work part time to be at home with our kids as he travels a lot, he earns 3 times more my salary and yes he does put a fair portion to cover bills, food etc as do I with my salary. I got told that he works more so I should do more around the house which is true but he only works 1 day more than me and when he's away for weeks at a time it is only me at home juggling everything. I feel really let down by him as not once did he say thanks for the break or it was a lovely surprise instead all he moaned about was how expensive everything was this close to Christmas even though I did all the Christmas shopping in August/September to take the heat off us financially in December. I just feel so disappointed but I'm not sure whether I should be.

Did you pay for the break entirely yourself, or did he feel it was a joint gift to yourselves as a couple from your joint finances - which you just happened to do the admin for as you are the designated household-task-organising-person.
If there is anyway he can have thought it was the second, he had probably already mentally taken credit for having the anniversary sorted in his head and it didn't even occur to him that he was supposed to be buying you something as well!

No we put a proportion into our account and then the rest is ours so the break came from me solely. Our joint account is only for the mortgage/bills/food. When we go out together we split the cost for example cinema tickets he buys them and I pay for food.

If you paid for the gift from your own salary alone then yes a gift in return would have been the protocol for many.

If it came from joint funds, then really he paid for the trip so likely sees it as joint and no need for anything further.

I would be disappointed too. Not a good start IMO.

It all sounds completely unfair. Because you work less, you do more at home. But he gets most of the benefit of his working more, not you. So why does he get the benefit of your labour. And who looks after the kids on that other day? You? Because that's how he can earn more.

I think that married couples who parcel out split finances (down to splitting cinema trips) are sad. It's not really a marriage is it? It's not a partnership.

I couldn't eat lobster while DH ate bread and water. But that's what your DH wants.

Exactly what MrsTP above said.

The only reason he can work to earn that money is because you are at home, unpaid, as the childcare.

Find out what a nanny would cost over a year for all the days/hours that he is away and ask him to pay half that. Your half is providing the labour, his half is the cash.

All I hear is you have more time off work than me. That's not true though as I'm limited to what I can do on this time off as I have to be there for the school run. I guess I just feel taken for granted at the moment and though he might have done something special for our first wedding anniversary together and the fact he didn't has made me feel worse.

Didn't you talk about money / childcare / equality before you had kids? Before you got married?

I think salaries should go into a joint account.

What percentage of yours and his salary goes into bills? It shouldn't be 50/50, that's not fair to you.

Why are you doing the Christmas shopping when he earns 3x more? Did you at least using joint funds to pay?

You only work one less day so shouldn't be doing the majority of housework. How much housework/childcare does he do?

We were on equal salaries up until this year then he got a promotion and I cut down to 4 days per week. Our childcare was done by his mum but we decided to get a childminder this year too as mil recently met someone and we felt we were hindering her from doing stuff. Our childcare comes in under £400 per month which is excellent compared to what some people pay

But even if he did something special for your anniversary, it shouldn't let him get a free pass the rest of the year.

Time to set your expectations for what you want out of this marriage, or you will get resentful (rightfully).

Was the minibreak more expensive than the bracelet, by the way?

2 thirds of his salary go into the joint account and 1/3 of mine. I paid for my families presents and told him how much he owed me for his family gifts.

The break came to £600 now obviously I don't expect a £600 present but I just happened to get a little bit of money unexpected so thought I'd treat him it wouldn't be the norm. The bracelet was £150 and that's now my Christmas present too.

He's being tight.

That's my opinion anyway.

It sounds as though he can afford to spend 150 on a bracelet so why say that about it being your Christmas present too!? No need for that if you ask me.

So you get one day, between school runs every week. About five hours? And what do you do with that time? House crap, school stuff, admin?

He seems to think he's worth more than you are. Do you think he believes that?

I wouldn't accept anything less than equal 'me money' and equal 'me time' (without chores, kids or work) in a marriage. And I certainly wouldn't be treating someone who acted like I was a servant.

So it's mean of him to begrudge you an extra £50 and treat it as an Xmas present when you have treated him to a lovely break. Is he expecting a Xmas present from you?

Do you want to have the responsibility of buying his family's gifts every year? It sounds like you are helping him because he travels so much, but he doesn't give you consideration when he is home.

It's possible he just hasn't really thought about the way he is living his life as he pleases and you are fitting your life around everything. So I would first suggest a serious talk about your roles. But I suspect he just doesn't respect what you do. So I think what it will boil down to is: either break up with him or go back to 5 days a week and insist he takes on the same amount of childcare (including making up for the time he is away on trips somehow), housework and emotional work.

He isn't going to start respecting the domestic role unless he feels its loss (and probably not even then) and because of that he isn't going to respect you as things stand. And what are you getting out of this? Someone to serve. Someone to pick up after. Someone to fit your life around. This only works fairly if he does it for you too.

Not good op! You sound generous and a giver, he sounds selfish, thoughtless, tactless and a taker.

I would nip this in the bud now if I were you!

By being at home you are doing things that are not paid for therefore he needs to recognise the value of that for his wellbeing as well as the family's.

If he doesn't then don't do his laundry or cooking or make sure he does his fair share.

I would be going back to full time work if he doesn't value you as well as getting someone in to clean which must come from his salary since he's being so stingy with his money!

Op sort this out now while you are only a year into marriage or this will fester and the resentment will build.

If you are not happy then do something about it and if he isn't interested in your happiness or being fair then you know where you stand, don't you?

The 2 instances I know of friends who have divorced were when the women did everything around the home despite working part time and on lower saleries, made their husbands lives easy by being superefficient and organising everything for the household and children; and the husbands were high fliers, away a lot, didn't value what their wives did, treated them like doormats and the respect just eroded away.

So don't think being kind and helpful when it's not reciprocated is going to help your marriage. It's not. Marriage to work well has to be give and take on both sides.

Your dh has bowed out already by the sound of it. How does his mother treat him and how is she treated?

Do you know what his family and parents do for their anniversaries? I just say that because my extended family and friends don't make a big deal out of anniversaries unless they're big ones and he may have very different expectations from you about how they are celebrated if this is his experience of other people (which I think is quite common too). This is your first one as well so he won't really know that you feel like this either. I think the best thing to do is to tell him that they mean a lot to you and that going forward you want him to know that you expect them to be marked. It was tactless to do absolutely nothing and then try to give you money. A bunch of flowers is really the absolute minimum for a first anniversary even if neither of you is overly bothered. Let him know you're disappointed and that you want a change in future.

The housework is a separate issue. It sounds like your children are school aged. I think if you have a day off and your children are school aged then, yes, it would be a reasonable expectation that you would get the lions share of big jobs done on that day while they are at school. Sorry to be unsympathetic, but I am at home with infant twins and a four year old at the moment, and that really does limit what I can do. Having to do the school run twice a day is not really a valid reason for not getting much done around the house. If I was doing that I would see that day as another work day where home stuff was done to free up time to spend together when everybody was off. I'm very jealous that you have most of a day child free to do it which may colour my response though!

I agree with Mrs TP - it always amazes me how many people share children and marriage, but not finances! Why not just both put your money in one account, rather than all this owing each other for this and that. You have children! I would hate to be splitting the cost of dinner, cinema etc all the time - I couldn't live like that.
Yes he should have reciprocated with a gift for your anniversary, knowing that you had gone to an effort and this should not also double up as an Xmas gift. He is being a tight git, regardless of anything else. If you tell him you are really hurt by his behaviour and feel under-valued, do you think he will take this on board and make changes? I hope so!

Wow! My DP and I consider all of our finances "our money" even though we don't have a joint account yet because we have a DD and we have decided to be a partnership. It would be of no real benefit to either of us to have his money and my money. We both work full time so we both take on the extra roles.

In terms of who buys presents. Yes, I buy the majority of the presents because I actually enjoy doing it but he does buy some too. He is really good at spotting things he thinks someone would like and getting them for a good deal.

OP, I'm sorry but your DH doesn't sound great. He is taking advantage of you.

Just to pick up on something PPs have ignored in order to be able to call your DH selfish

You say he works away for weeks at a time yet you are left at home to juggle everything.
I'm not sure what you mean by this? Surely if he has a job that requires him to work away then he isn't in the house and therefore the housework automatically falls to you? If my OH was away for a few days/week/months/whatever I wouldn't expect him to come home and do the hoovering and clean the bathroom if he hadn't been there making any mess.

I'm afraid I also have to agree with BillSykes. If your children are of school age and you aren't looking after a child all day on your day off, I would also expect that some sort of housework/admin is done in that time.

OP hasn't actually said she is child free on that day. She said she does the school run but it might be that she has a 5+ yo and an