Feeling disappointed with husband

[chocolatebubbles]

Myself and my husband celebrated our first wedding anniversary recently. I wanted to do something special so booked a city break for us to Christmas markets as a surprise but told him three months before we were due to go to give him heads up. On the day of the anniversary I got happy anniversary from him no card or little gift. I then spent ages in shower trying to hide how sad I felt but eventually he triggered I was crying. He then tried to cover it up by giving me money (still no card) and I told him any money I get always goes on house or kids and it would have been nice to have been bought a gift so I gave him the money back. Later we're out shopping and I saw a beautiful bracelet and he said he'd buy it for me. The bracelet cost £50 more than what he had given me so he goes that will be your Christmas present too. I don't mind that too much but my AIBU is I work part time to be at home with our kids as he travels a lot, he earns 3 times more my salary and yes he does put a fair portion to cover bills, food etc as do I with my salary. I got told that he works more so I should do more around the house which is true but he only works 1 day more than me and when he's away for weeks at a time it is only me at home juggling everything. I feel really let down by him as not once did he say thanks for the break or it was a lovely surprise instead all he moaned about was how expensive everything was this close to Christmas even though I did all the Christmas shopping in August/September to take the heat off us financially in December. I just feel so disappointed but I'm not sure whether I should be.

Math. She DOES get time off. She has an entire child free day which is a hell of a lot more than most mother's get.

I suppose he could stop working away. But then if he took an office bound job I doubt that the OP would be in a situation where she could have wedding anniversaries which cost north of £1k. His job and him working away is not leisure time and also benefits the family as a whole so means he is equally contributing when not there but financially. Sitting in a hotel catching up on emails and working on projects is not leisure.

Shove, you've pulled that entire post out of thin air. Nowhere does the OP claim that she is doing all that stuff. He is asking her to do more, not everything.

But here we are back to the normal MN bollocks. If women go part time they can sit on their arses all day eating biscuits and watching 'This Morning' then yell at their husband's when they come home because the housework isn't done. It's pure bollocks. Free time is just as valuable as money and should also go into a common pot.

In my house we've got infant twins and a four year old. I would KILL for six hours child free to do the housework at the moment and we're lucky if we get half an hour free time each a week. I really can't muster up much sympathy for someone who feels that they're put upon because they need to do a bit of dusting and run the hoover round when they have a full school day free to do it.

I agree with Bill, a lot of posters are making up bollocks so they can slag off the husband.

billsykes - yes, I did read the thread. Here's the OP's word, my emphasis:

"my AIBU is I work part time to be at home with our kids as he travels a lot, he earns 3 times more my salary and yes he does put a fair portion to cover bills, food etc as do I with my salary. I got told that he works more so I should do more around the house which is true but he only works 1 day more than me and when he's away for weeks at a time it is only me at home juggling everything."

From this, I'm concluding that the OP feels that she does a LOT more of the housework and childcare than her husband. Someone who is away for "weeks at a time" is - by definition - not cleaning the house, cooking dinner at home, or taking the kids to school during that time! I think it's safe to bet here that there's a VERY unequal division of household labour. The OP isn't complaining that she has to do housework on her day off, she's complaining that her husband says "You have a day off a week, so this division of labour is ALL FINE!"

Furthermore, it's very clear from the first post that the OP is spending her money on things that are communal - even if they are fancy holidays, her DH is benefiting - whereas he is keeping money for 'personal' use.

It all seems very unfair.

ALSO - if he is away for "weeks at a time", my guess is that he's getting quite a lot of personal time with no housework and no kids.

Well said Bill

Such a good post

I should emphasize: the issue isn't JUST the unequal division of household labour. It's the unequal division of household labour IN LIGHT OF the fact that the OP isn't being "paid" for the household work that she does. The central complaint here isn't about the housework being 50/50 but about the way it's not being rewarded financially.

Basically, the DH is only able to go away and leave his kids for weeks at a time because there is someone to pick up the slack in terms of caring for them. His choice to be a working father is enabled by the OP. Therefore it's only fair that the OP has access to some of his salary, because it's not just "his" labour that has produced that money.

Someone who is away for "weeks at a time" is - by definition - not cleaning the house, cooking dinner at home, or taking the kids to school during that time! I think it's safe to bet here that there's a VERY unequal division of household labour.

I'm going to repeat my earlier post (because yet again we're all about slagging off the husband).

How is he supposed to clean the house and cook dinner from a different location exactly?
If he isn't in the house, contributing to any mess made then he is exempt from taking on that particular share of housework.

She doesn't have more time off than him, though. One day between 9am and 3pm is not actually much time to get all housework, food shopping, gardening, household maintenance and administrative tasks done, plus apparently take responsibility for all present buying, even for her dh's relatives, and I strongly suspect the OP is the only one of the two who actually keeps up with what their children are supposed to be taking into school each day, when they have to be in early for trips, whether they are doing extra curricular activities etc, because it's just easier for one person to be on top of all that, rather than have the other one trying to catch up on the tedious details about money for trips and packed lunches when they get home. If he is away for weeks at a time, that is plenty of time to go out drinking with work colleagues, sit and read a book, relax in a hotel and have your meals cooked for you. I can only understand any resentment there from him if he hates his new job and hates being away from home - in which case, the promotion may well have been a mistake and he's not coping with it. Or he is actually perfectly happy with the deal, but just a bit mean fisted - if his dw normally spends all her money on the house and children, as she specified in her posts, then ensuring she had enough savings to spend £600 on a trip for both of them for their anniversary is actually quite a big deal and sends a fairly obvious and unmistakeable message that this anniversary is important to her and that just a card in return is likely to look a bit mean spirited. I sympathise with the dh if huge gestures are to be expected every year, as he is clearly not the present buying type if he can't be arsed even to do his own relatives' present shopping, but for this year, if he was going to accept her generous trip gift, he really should have made some effort!

basketof - again, the argument is about MONEY. We're working on the assumption that housework should be 50/50, but that sometimes, for very practical reasons, that's not possible. So fine, he doesn't contribute to the housework while he is away. But all that labour is still what enables him to work, right? If - God forbid - something happened to the OP, he'd have to pay someone to care for his kids if he were going to continue the same job.

This is where we come to the unfair part: he is getting to keep a large part of his salary and treat it as a "personal" pot. I don't think that's right - I think he should have to share some of it with the person whose labour is enabling him to exempt himself from all the domestic and caring labour that goes with being a father.

Posted too soon.
He is exempt therefore the division will already be unequal. OP did not mention AT ALL what her H does when he is there so I don't understand why all the assumptions that he does nothing at all have been made.

Clearly just to slag him off as always.

basketof - Your first post says that the husband can't possibly do anything around the house because he's away from the home. Your second says that we are all making the erronoeus assumption that he does nothing. Consistency, much?

To put my point another way, as soon as you have the unit of the household, and as soon as you have any inequality in the share of the domestic labour that goes into social reproduction - e.g. housework, food, childcare- any talk of "individual" salary doesn't make sense. It's only the most confined economic perspective - one that treats wage labour as if it's isolated from the labour of social reproduction - that can see things this way. The labour of the OP in running a household single-handedly while her husband is away allows him to earn the salary he does. Her labour in the house needs to be seen as part of the work that brings in that pay packet.

There is a lot of writing on this - from the "wages for housework" movement of the 1970s to feminist political economy.

To me, it really depends how much the city break weekend was mainly a treat for the DH, or if in reality it was more of a treat for the OP

Does he spend lots of time in hotels in different cities, without the DC?
Is he keen on Christmas markets?
Was it in fact more of a break / treat for her?

As for their finances, he earns 3x her salary & puts 2/3 of that in the joint pot, while she puts in 1/3

So if, say, she earns 30k, puts in 10k, she has 20k left for her spends
He would earn 90k, put in 60k and have 30k left

It would certainly be fairer if they had 25k each but 20k is hardly financial abuse

shove if we are working on assumptions then why are we still assuming that he does none of the housework/admin?
How do you know that it isn't his own labour that allows him to work like that? What if he is the one who takes care of bills? Or does his laundry when he is at home?

Again, I repeat: why are we jumping to the conclusion that, because she alluded to feeling overwhelmed when he is not there, OPs husband just sits on his arse when he's at home.

On the subject of the gift: if there had been no discussion of gifts beforehand, it's fairly reasonable to say that he perhaps assumed it was a joint present and if OP didn't set him straight and then suggested he get her something he would be a little bit put out and say what he said about a Christmas present too.

If the op does all dinner bath bedtime cleaning and other admin for their children while her dh is often doing dinner out, free evening, nice hotel stay, could do gym in the morning (before I get accused of making stuff up this is very common for business travel,I don't know any exceptions to it!) then the op bloody well deserves a cup of tea and magazine on her Fridays. She isn't a single mum and I wouldn't tolerate this arrangement unless my husband was very appreciative that I was an equal partner in this relationship. He's not.

basketof - my assumption is based on the fact that one person cannot be in two places at once. If the husband is away for 'weeks at a time' (original post), then he's just NOT doing 50% of the housework and childcare during that period, is he? It doesn't matter if he does 50/50 when he is at home - there are huge stretches of time when he isn't there and isn't contributing to the domestic labour. During these periods, the OP is doing his "share".

Now presumably they've agreed between them that this makes sense because he is able to earn more money for them as a household unit. However, this means that him saying "Oh, I earned this money, it's MINE, ALL MINE!" is really selfish. He chose to be in a relationship, he chose to be a father, but someone else is doing his share of the labour that is involved a lot of the time. He's not 'counting' the labour that the OP puts in in terms of the household and childcare as part of his wage - and he should because it enables him to do his job and to be a father at the same time. Therefore, that person - the OP - has a right to a share of the salary he earns.

shove keep xposting and trying to give breakfast to an 8 month old!

He can't possibly do housework when he is away for weeks at a time, but we don't know what he does when he is at home. Therefore he could very well take up a good proportion when he is not working away. HTH

Oh, and I tip my hat to anyone who can type at all with an 8 month old to feed!! You must have a real knack for it - I get covered with food whenever I try (not a Mum, sadly, but my friends let me help out sometimes)!

Safe to say,there's porridge everywhere!
I think we're arguing two different things! I'm just arguing the assumption that he's a lazy bastard.

I agree with you, however, that they ought to have shard finances (to some extent) as she does not get a break when he is away so is entitled to some form of...compensation shall we say.

Is the city break something he would normally enjoy? If my wife booked one, I would see it being as much for her as for me.

Sounds like you have a very similar set up to to me and my DH. It's not ideal but it is how it is. I just can't understand why you made a fuss about the £100 and gave it back. It's daft to say that any money you get 'always' goes on the house or the kids. It's not hard to keep hold of £100 and then buy something you love with it. Seems that in trying to make a point you have shot yourself in the foot. I'd have taken the money, said thank you (£100 is a very generous anniversary present IMO) and promptly bought something lovely with it.

at porridge everywhere. I still can't understand the laws-of-physics-defying thing where a tiny bowl of food can somehow get distributed over a huge area in the process!

And yes, absolutely not saying the DH is lazy!

The thing about a city break is that it's not just the getting there, which the op paid for, there is a lot of other expenses , such as meals and drinks. I'm assuming they were away over night, as she says he was moaning about how expensive it was. As a bit of a fan of the city break 😃 I can say often the expenses during it are more than the cost of the transportation and hotel in the first place.

So did they cover the cost of eating out etc when there split or out the joint account or did he pay?

She says he was concerned about cost, then got asked for another 150 pounds to spend on a bracelet on top of it, then was faced also with spending on a Xmas present. So yes he should have got a card and maybe a small gift but maybe more to this in terms of finances?

I have two children one in Montessori which is 9 to 12 and and a two year old am currently 6 months pregnant with number 3. I get what people are saying regarding if my husband isn't here why should he be doing housework if he hasn't been here to mess it up. A few weeks ago he went away for 8 days came home for one day then went away again for the night then had a night out with friends and then we had our break away and he flew out again with work later that day and is home to attend a pals wedding. Whilst he's away I understand he's working but he then had a a few beers, dinners out and down time in the evenings all paid for by the company. I wouldn't normally spend £600 on a present for him but seeing as I had a little money owed to me from work I decided to treat us before the baby came along. The thing that stung the most was not getting a card with some soppy verse on it. When I had brought it up with him he said he'd forgotten it but in all fairness we were staying in a hotel 50 feet from a card shop.

Shove you're talking as though his time away from home is null time which is only of benefit to him. It's not. He's working. The OP is facilitating his ability to do that. But he is earning the families income. The simple answer to that would be for him to take a lower paid demotion which meant he didn't have to travel. But do you think the OP wants that? She doesn't sound like the sort of person who would given what she tells us about her spending and her expectations for their lifestyle. It would certainly mean no holidays and expensive presents on anniversaries.

What you seem to be saying is that if one member of the family is a high earner then the whole family should benefit from the money but the partner should expect to carry on as though they have a partner who works 9-5. So they get all the financial benefit but put in zero extra effort in return for that benefit. He puts in more to the bills allowing her to keep more of her own money so she is financially rewarded.

It's a partnership. Not an exploitative relationship where one person spends all their time either working or looking after the kids and doing the housework while the other one gets all the free time. Free time needs to be split as equally as money.

Anyway, the family has lost 1/3 of it's income for her to have a day off rather than the cheaper options of wrap around care and a cleaner so presumably this is something the OP wanted rather than it being imposed on her.

And spending money on holidays that don't appear to have been particularly wanted isn't 'communal' spending. The OP very clearly spent it because she wanted to make a big deal of the anniversary, not because her DH wanted it. And that is totally fine, but don't pretend it's some sort of selfless sacrifice of her income for the sake of the family.

TBH, if he travels a lot, a city break was probably the last thing he wanted and he may have felt that he was going along with it to please you, OP. Hence the moaning.

But that still doesn't change the fact that he is a miserable tight wad. Telling you that the bracelet is your Xmas present too is treating you like a 6 year old who's spent all her pocket money I agree with Ineedmorelemonpledge - just tell him the city break was his Xmas present too and see how he likes it.