Feeling disappointed with husband

[chocolatebubbles]

Myself and my husband celebrated our first wedding anniversary recently. I wanted to do something special so booked a city break for us to Christmas markets as a surprise but told him three months before we were due to go to give him heads up. On the day of the anniversary I got happy anniversary from him no card or little gift. I then spent ages in shower trying to hide how sad I felt but eventually he triggered I was crying. He then tried to cover it up by giving me money (still no card) and I told him any money I get always goes on house or kids and it would have been nice to have been bought a gift so I gave him the money back. Later we're out shopping and I saw a beautiful bracelet and he said he'd buy it for me. The bracelet cost £50 more than what he had given me so he goes that will be your Christmas present too. I don't mind that too much but my AIBU is I work part time to be at home with our kids as he travels a lot, he earns 3 times more my salary and yes he does put a fair portion to cover bills, food etc as do I with my salary. I got told that he works more so I should do more around the house which is true but he only works 1 day more than me and when he's away for weeks at a time it is only me at home juggling everything. I feel really let down by him as not once did he say thanks for the break or it was a lovely surprise instead all he moaned about was how expensive everything was this close to Christmas even though I did all the Christmas shopping in August/September to take the heat off us financially in December. I just feel so disappointed but I'm not sure whether I should be.

Work out how many hours you have down time after you've done the childcare, the chores and the house running. Work out how many hours he has down time. Sitting in a hotel room sauna in the evenings is definitely quality down time.

He sounds like a right tit with no appreciation of what you do in the home and with the kids. He only values money.

I think you're being a bit U. Giving gifts/cards on anniversaries isn't compulsory, we don't bother yet we're very much in love. TBH I forgot our anniversary this year. It's just a date on the calendar. What matters is your day to day relationship, showing love and appreciation of each other. You decided to book the break, as a surprise, and it was something you both benefited from so maybe he felt that was enough? Did he want to go on that type of break or did he go along with it because you'd already booked it? It he felt it was more a treat for you than him, I can understand why he didn't get an extra gift.

I dont understand why you insisted on a gift in return, surely a gift is meaningless if you have to demand it? Why choose an expensive bracelet when it was clear how much he was happy to spend? £100 is a generous amount for a gift, choosing something £150 looks greedy.

As for housework, isn't the point of dropping your hours so you have a day for household chores and admin? In between school runs you'd have around 5 hours to focus on household things? I think it's fair that you use this day to keep on top of things. If you were travelling a lot with work and your DH had dropped a day, wouldn't you expect him to do most of the housework?

*OP hasn't actually said she is child free on that day. She said she does the school run but it might be that she has a 5+ yo and an

Even if her children are at primary school during the day, OP will have very little down time during the week because her DH is staying in hotels for weeks. If he's away at weekends there will also be no down time then either.

basket

I think people have seen that the H works away but have the sense not to say he should do his share when he isn't physically there.

However, what is wrong with expecting H to step back into family life when he is home, clear up after his own children, cook meals, do the dishes, wash clothes etc? And if OP and her H get into the habit of only cleaning up after themselves and not eachother, then things would get ridiculous.

OP can do what housework/admin time allows on her day off but it's not enough time to do everything, as she still has the school run and childcare to do as well after school.

In other words, OP, you effectively work full time in paid employment or on housework and home administration, and do the majority of all childcare after work, as your dh is often not around, but he thinks your career sacrifice and no time out after school every day from the children means you have a better deal than him. Has he considered changing careers and cutting back on his hours, as he does sound very resentful - probably not of the housework bit , but maybe on the being away from the children and home so much bit. He also sounds like a little bit of a tosser who doesn't understand the meaning of teamwork or that a little bit of appreciation can go a long way.

Unwrapped, I don't do much for mine but I understand that some people don't feel that way and like to mark it. It's horses for courses. And he did nothing. Not even a bunch of flowers. That's really shit for a first anniversary.

Having said that you might have a bit of a point about the bracelet. What I'm getting from these posts is that the OP seems to have a very relaxed approach to spending. All told, with holiday, spending money and gifts it sounds like this anniversary has cost well north of £1k which is an astounding amount of money for an anniversary. I suspect if we heard the other side of this story we might find out that the DH feels that he has to be the one in the family to rein in spending as the OP can be a bit over enthusiastic with it.

That doesn't change the fact that not even buying a bunch of flowers and trying to fob the OP off with cash was shit though. I think there's probably a happy medium in here somewhere. More like a meal out, flowers and a card than expensive holidays and jewellery.

hickie I agree that he should do his fair share, but I'm quoting the OP here: got told that he works more so I should do more around the house which is true but he only works 1 day more than me and when he's away for weeks at a time it is only me at home juggling everything.

Reading through this the main point I get is that he is away a lot and OP feels overwhelmed by the amount to do when he isn't there.

There is the first sentence which suggests a level of inequality however nowhere does OP actually state this as fact. Hence my response.

I don't know where people are getting the idea that he does nothing around the house from either. The OP says he thinks she should do more than him around the house, not that she should do everything. And with a day off that's fair.

Plenty of single mothers don't get a full day off on their own or help when their partner is there and women working full time don't get a child free day either and they manage so I think to paint the OP as being in a difficult situation as far as housework goes is well wide of the mark. I think having several hours a week child free to catch up around the home is actually a pretty privileged situation a lot of people would kill for.

And it's that old MN trope isn't it? If this was a man with a day off while his wife was working not doing much and expecting his wife to come home and pick up the slack he'd be a cocklodger so I really don't see why it's fair the other way around.

I feel sorry for the OP having him away a lot and it must be hard work. But at the same time, I think if you're going to have the sort of lifestyle where you can spend £1k on a wedding anniversary you're going to have to accept that the person who funds most of that lifestyle is not going to be leaving the office at 5pm on the dot every day.

Your financial arrangements are very stringent aren't they? Why not put it all in a joint pot and then take out X amount if equal spends each per month and another joint pot for saving?

Id be telling him that as his present cost lots of money, it will also be his Christmas present too.

You need to sit down together and have a chat about finances and general respect.

When we go out together we split the cost for example cinema tickets he buys them and I pay for food.

Bonkers.

I don't know why people want to live like this.
OH and I are a team. Including finances. All our money is "our" money.
Couldn't be bothered with the faff otherwise.

Maybe he doesn't want to give somebody who spends £1k on a wedding anniversary access to all the family money because they might spend it?

billsykes- I guess that's a point.

OH and I share all money but neither of us like "stuff". We don't do anniversary presents, neither of us are into fancy things, shoes or expensive clothes.
So there is no resentment when the other spends, as we are both modest spenders and neither of us like wasting money.
We would both feel that at 1K bracelet is nuts, but then we are financially compatible, both have similar views.

So this is one year into your marriage? Ok, you need to decide whether you're going to be on here disappointed in 5 years or whether you sort this out now with him. He's selfish.

The OP isn't complaining about having to do housework. She's complaining because she has no money to spend on herself, and no money is spent on her either. The situation is that she and her husband pay into a joint account for household bills, but that this accounts for a greater proportion of her income than of his. To add to this, she's at home for long periods juggling everything because her husband's more highly paid job takes him away for periods of time.

Here's the thing. He can only work in the way he can and be a father BECAUSE you do the work of social reproduction at home - making sure the house and the kids are well cared for. Your labour in the house is therefore contributing to his wage, so you have a moral right to share in that wage. These arrangements where men keep their 'surplus' and the labour of running the household goes unrewarded are deeply unfair. You can do this in two ways: monetize the housework and claim half the cost from his wage as your "pay" or simply share all household income.

He's definitely not being fair.

We juggle mis matched salaries by both putting everything into one joint account and then each taking the same amount of petty cash/pocket money out to spend as we wish. That way no one is disadvantaged by being part time.

The OP could go back five days a week though if they have split finances and she wants more money. He didn't make her cut her hours, she chose so knowing it came with less income. Not all families do joint money, especially where one spends more than the other.

He is taking the piss.

The attitude that you have more time off? Spoken like a gent who has never taken care of his own children.

He is away for weeks at at a time. She doesn't get time off, BillSykesDog. She might as well be a single mother. He gets to accept the promotion and work away from home because she is there at home picking up his slack on the home front.

OP, you are married to a man who is mean spirited and mean with money, and who does not respect your contribution to his life.

I second every word of MrsTerryPratchett's great post.

jelly- but what if one needs more than an other? And what if you don't actually need anything that month?

The idea of having monthly pocket money seems fair, but does it have to be spent?
Neither my OH or me spend a great deal personally, but if anything I spend more than him, I wear make up, moisturiser, once in a blue moon get my hair coloured at the hairdressers or my nails done before christmas, I go to the gym, so I probably spend twice as much as he does on personal stuff.
He is totally happy with that.

We just spend what we need to.

No, that's not fair because the labour that goes into the house enables the ENTIRE family. It's not individual. The OP's husband chose to have children, therefore he also chose to take on responsibility for 50% of the labour involved in raising them and running a household. However, he's not actually shouldering that burden. Instead, the fact that the OP does her husband's washing allows him to get to work looking professional. The fact she buys the food and cooks his dinner allows him to keep going without falling over. The fact that she arranges all the admin and bill payments means he has electricity. The fact she takes his children to school also helps him. He is benefiting enormously and in a direct way from her labours in the house, and his salary is therefore dependent on this unwaged and "invisible" labour. Furthermore, demographic statistics suggest that there is every chance that the OP's salary will be lower precisely because she has taken her foot off the career pedal to have children - something that men don't suffer. So she ought to be compensated in some way for that too.

There's a LOT of feminist work on women, economics and housework. All women should read it when they decide to have children!

She's complaining because she has no money to spend on herself, and no money is spent on her either.

Er, have you RTFT? She has plenty of money to spend on herself. In fact she had enough money to book a £600 holiday off her own steam. Plus she's not losing out because of the difference in salaries because he pays more of the bills. She's not a housewife. She works four days a week and has her own income.

Previously they had the same income. Now the OP has less and he is paying more but the OP doesn't seem to be reflecting that in terms of the work done at home. Money is not the only thing which goes into a shared pot. Free time does too, particularly if the amount of free money in the family is reduced to give one member more free time.

It seems pretty unfair to me that some people on this thread seem to be saying that all the money should be going into a pot for both of them, but as far as free time goes that pot should be unfairly divided in the OPs favour despite the income of the family as a whole being reduced to pay for it.

He's been a twat over the anniversary but housework is a separate issue. And having a day off but not using that day to catch up at home takes the piss really.

Yeah, like most men, he's really disappointing.

This one's more than disappointing actually. He's entitled and leeching off your free labour while telling you he's entitled to because he's got the male wage.

How many hours per week/ month, does he have of leisure time? Real leisure, not being on call for the children?

How many hours do you have? That's how you measure how fair the distribution of unpaid labour is.

He comes across as having a meanness of mind when it comes to you. Like he begrudges you stuff.

Yeah, disappointing.

I'd just tell him that the mini break was his shared anniversary, Christmas and next birthday present too.

Then buy myself something with his gift money.