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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be disappointed in this Christmas present from my DH

130 replies

MagpieMil · 13/12/2016 19:16

My DH and I have been married three years and have 2 DCs under 5. The first year we were together he bought me a Hermes scarf and the second year a gold bracelet.

The third year he bought me a very humdrum and functional watch, which is ugly and not at all me, but which I wear anyway.

Last year, he bought me some sort of membership package to go to events, except that it never turned up and he spent all of January telling me he called them, they were disorganised/ embarrassed etc and in February he told me he had got annoyed so asked for his money back. So I got nothing. I reminded him many times.

My MIL bought me a spa day last year. Or she gave DH the money to get my a spa day, but he never did. I keep reminding him. He says "I haven't forgotten." Unlike the events thing, which I can't see me getting to as we never have an evening babysitter and he isn't home in time for me to go out, I could actually go to the spa as there is one a road away from us.

This year, we have been talking for about a year about getting some natural trees for our garden to make a hedge out of wild pears, crab apples. He asked me why I hadn't bought the trees. I said we were short of money for garden things, which is true, and maybe next year. He then said he was buying me the trees for Christmas. It would be nice to have an edible hedge but, it's not really a priority for me and I feel grumpy about it. AIBU?

OP posts:
Mrskeats · 14/12/2016 21:23

I'm 50 and if I got a deep fat fryer from my other half he would be wearing it
Thoughtful gifts have nothing to do with age.
Plus it implies only the woman cooks!!
Op yanbu. He stole your spa day money for a start and the hedge is a household thing
Awful

MrsMattBomer · 14/12/2016 21:35

MrsKeats

Does it imply that? I don't think so. More like "Oh we need a new deep fat fryer. Shall I get it you for Christmas?" "Yeah alright, I got you that blender I wanted last year so it evens out."

Do you go around being permanently offended by things? I couldn't work up the energy to be irritated by a gift. Stuff we actually we want like games consoles or spa days we just get ourselves throughout the year. We've always seen Christmas as a chance to just get the boring stuff for the house we need.

Bluntness100 · 14/12/2016 21:44

I'm getting a deep fat fryer for christmas... there's a stage in marriage where you essentially just buy things you actually need for the house and not soppy gifts. We're not teenagers anymore.

That's the saddest thing I've ever read, and honey, no there's not.

Stuff we actually we want like games consoles or spa days we just get ourselves throughout the year. We've always seen Christmas as a chance to just get the boring stuff for the house we need.

PacificDogwod · 14/12/2016 22:41

One of the best presents I've ever got and that I use almost daily after many years is my bread maker - I love it, I enjoy the bread so much and I dread the day it may break down.
BUT - DH knew that I had been hankering after a bread maker, he had researched and found the model he thought would suit us best and had shown that some thought and care had gone in to this present.

I don't think it is about diamond rings versus house hold goods.
It's about feeling valued and not taken for granted.

The 'stolen' spa day money is beyond thoughtless.
If I was the MiL who gave the money I would be furious with my son tbh.

Kateallison16 · 15/12/2016 02:21

I can't even begin to imagine how a partner could be so thoughtless as to say he's getting you them in the first place.

I also can't get my head around that you haven't yet put him straight.

"I don't want a fucking hedge for christmas. It's for the house not me. I am your wife and deserve to be treated like one. Also you owe me a spa day. Book that now for January. "

Christ.

And for everyone who's like "yabu" raise the bar ladies.

Peanutandphoenix · 15/12/2016 04:34

OP YANBU at all don't get him a present this year and tell him that you don't want hedges either. I wouldn't get him anymore presents until he gets you the spa day that your owed and the present from the year before that your owed as well.

Bananabread123 · 15/12/2016 06:55

Utterly amazed that the hedge is seen by many as the main issue here!! Surely the pocketing of the spa day money is a far bigger deal!

He's had 12 months to organise something that should take all of 5-10 minutes to sort by phone or online, which he hasn't done despite numerous reminders. That is totally unacceptable!

And the 'experience' present that didn't materialise the year before... even if his story is true, a decent person would have got you something else if that had fallen through.

ememem84 · 15/12/2016 07:17

Can you not just book the spa day?

Incusently I'd be talking to him about this and childishly would tell him I'd bought him xyz that he really wanted. But tell him it was on back order. And make him wait a couple of years.

KERALA1 · 15/12/2016 07:43

If getting a deep fat fryer is a "stage" in a marriage for me that would be the final stage.

YoHoHoandabottleofTequila · 15/12/2016 09:34

It's certainly not a stage in my marriage.

DidILeaveTheGasOn · 15/12/2016 09:52

Christmas is about giving, not:-

2014: Buying an events package, getting a refund on it and keeping the money, so the op gets nothing
2015: keeping money from MIL, so the op gets nothing
2016: buying some shrubbery - a nice one, not too expensive... (bonus points for some actual expenditure this year, rather than theft! What a treat!)
2017:??

Op you have got to tell him this isn't okay. Considering he stole from you two years running, this years planned gift must feel rather generous. You have to tell him it's not okay and make your case bluntly clear.

Several years ago, my dh got me a candle garden. My face was an absolute picture. He is shit at presents to be fair, but for everyone, not me, which lessens the burn somewhat. So I'm not exactly in a brilliant position to give advice. But I do get presents every year, now. Things I actually want. Sometimes they're not wrapped, one year we had all had terrible flu and I got my presents in Amazon packaging, but it's still things I like. He always threatens this year, he's getting me the biggest candle garden ever... 😂 he wouldn't dare.

Aeroflotgirl · 15/12/2016 09:58

Very poor of your dh. I would be giving hi. A massive talking to. Mabey e mail him a wish list of things you would like.

MrsMattBomer · 15/12/2016 10:42

Bloody hell, the "stage" thing was you get to an age where you stop trying to one up yourself and you just start blatantly asking your partner what they want for Christmas. That's what DP does - he wouldn't just go out and buy the deep fat fryer but he knows that a) the one we have is really old and b) I want one of those new nifty Smart fryers from Lakeland.

TheViceOfReason · 15/12/2016 12:50

why are you being a door mat over the spa day? Surely you can say "please book the spa day your mother gave you money to get me for x date."

And "no, i don't want household things for a xmas present, i'd like x".

badg3r · 15/12/2016 13:06

Buy the spa voucher for yourself then give it to him to give you. And tell him to stuff the hedge Wink

RaspberryOverloadTheFirst · 15/12/2016 13:38

DidILeaveTheGasOn Thu 15-Dec-16 09:52:15

Christmas is about giving, not:-

2014: Buying an events package, getting a refund on it and keeping the money, so the op gets nothing
2015: keeping money from MIL, so the op gets nothing
2016: buying some shrubbery - a nice one, not too expensive... (bonus points for some actual expenditure this year, rather than theft! What a treat!)
2017:??

Op you have got to tell him this isn't okay. Considering he stole from you two years running, this years planned gift must feel rather generous. You have to tell him it's not okay and make your case bluntly clear.

Totally agree with this. It strikes me as if he just doesn't care, coupled with theft.

Original poster
MagpieMil · 15/12/2016 13:43

Thank you everyone!

I've got my spa day!

Yes, my DH is very forgetful and disorganised and thinks small details are unimportant. Not that I think presents are a small detail, but it answers a PP who asked about that. I should get used to his distractibility, but I haven't and it irritates me.

Yes, I'm "aware" of our household income/expenditure. Yes, I work. I'm the main - not sole- earner, not that I think that is relevant, but it's been implied that it somehow has some bearing. That's why I knew we couldn't really buy shrubbery at this time of year, this year.

Thank you especially to everyone who said "this is not about the hedge" and helped me see the symbolic aspect of giving, which helped me understand why I was so upset.

Part of the reason I don't speak up is that when I do, the way I feel is either minimised, ridiculed or told it is not the way DH sees it, so I let a lot just slip past. You've given me permission and courage not to do this and that is a good thing. Thank you.

OP posts:
tiej · 15/12/2016 15:41

Brilliant.

Now you can ask him for your refund money from the year before. Wink

Trifleorbust · 15/12/2016 16:19

If my husband and I both want to plant something, it is not a present from him to me, is it? It's something we'll buy from the household budget when we can afford it.

Only1scoop · 15/12/2016 17:31

Great Op just the 'events' refund and you're sorted!! A triple whammy present for you this year I hope Wink

mylifeisamystery · 15/12/2016 18:09

My exh bought me an electric blanket one year, to say I was pissed off was an understatement bearing in mind I had run round buying presents for him and his family and sourcing and cooking the xmas dinner.. I bought him a PS 3 that year and to make matters worse he had taken it to his mothers for her to wrap up, you might have thought she would have said something ffs.
He took it back the day later and I ended up with nothing...
He still says he saw nothing wrong in it...no wonder hes my ex...

pollymere · 16/12/2016 18:12

Where is all the money going? Does he have secret debts? It's not unusual for a man to stop buying personal presents once you get married or engaged as they often see the money as belonging to both of you. Point out the trees are for the family and that you'd like ... for Christmas.

battgirlatheart · 17/12/2016 01:54

Ummm am I missing a major female thing here but what on earth is a candle garden? Lol

AcaciaYou · 17/12/2016 07:46

A tree is for life, not just for Christmas.

Eeshkapeesh · 17/12/2016 08:45

This is why we never exchange gifts. We save towards birthdays and Christmas each month, and get the same sum of money each on those occasions. It suits us both very well. We get exactly what we want, and there's no tally, resentment, hinting, passive aggressive comments etc. We occasionally give each other surprise gifts which is lovely. I know it wouldn't work for every couple, but I love it. It's helped keep us happily married for 15 years!