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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be disappointed in this Christmas present from my DH

130 replies

MagpieMil · 13/12/2016 19:16

My DH and I have been married three years and have 2 DCs under 5. The first year we were together he bought me a Hermes scarf and the second year a gold bracelet.

The third year he bought me a very humdrum and functional watch, which is ugly and not at all me, but which I wear anyway.

Last year, he bought me some sort of membership package to go to events, except that it never turned up and he spent all of January telling me he called them, they were disorganised/ embarrassed etc and in February he told me he had got annoyed so asked for his money back. So I got nothing. I reminded him many times.

My MIL bought me a spa day last year. Or she gave DH the money to get my a spa day, but he never did. I keep reminding him. He says "I haven't forgotten." Unlike the events thing, which I can't see me getting to as we never have an evening babysitter and he isn't home in time for me to go out, I could actually go to the spa as there is one a road away from us.

This year, we have been talking for about a year about getting some natural trees for our garden to make a hedge out of wild pears, crab apples. He asked me why I hadn't bought the trees. I said we were short of money for garden things, which is true, and maybe next year. He then said he was buying me the trees for Christmas. It would be nice to have an edible hedge but, it's not really a priority for me and I feel grumpy about it. AIBU?

OP posts:

MimiSunshine · 13/12/2016 22:49

Do you know how much money "you" were given for the spa? If so just find a deal you'd like and then ask for his bank card and book it.

He can hardly complain as he's had the money for a year and say categorically you do not want trees for Christmas

thatdearoctopus · 13/12/2016 22:56

Where has the OP said that she and her DH decided as a couple that they were going to save some money and get some things for the house in lieu of presents?

thatdearoctopus · 13/12/2016 22:58

Also, she said, "we have been talking for about a year about getting some natural trees for our garden to make a hedge." Note the word we.

So why has the purchase of these trees become her present?

Aderyn2016 · 13/12/2016 23:03

If my h stole from me, I'd be getting a divorce for Christmas! His attitude is a massive problem.
Am stunned at posters who think this is just about bloody hedges!

sleepingkoala · 13/12/2016 23:17

YANBU at all about last year that you didn't get a present from him or the spa day from your mother in law. About this year, it depends on if the trees were something that both of you wanted and had planned to buy together or if it was something more for you/your idea or something you would have agreed to buy yourself.

An example; My boyfriend bought me a 'NutriBlend' for my birthday last year because he knew I wanted a blender. We had just moved in together to a knew place so he would benefit from using it too but it was something which I wanted and was planning to buy a blender for myself of my own idea. He wouldn't have bought one otherwise and didn't care that much even though he loved having one. So although it was a more practical present it was still really nice and I wouldn't have bought such an expensive one myself ass I couldn't afford it probably and it was nice to have something bought for me for the house as I was spending a lot of money on new stuff at that time. However, for example if he had bought a new tv for the apartment for my birthday then that would have been different as we both wanted a tv and it would have been one of things we would have shared the cost of somehow and planned to do so. Even if he had decided to buy the most expensive tv, of course that would be nice but not appropriate for a birthday/xmas present for me as it is definitely for both of us. So yeah it depends. I can see your concern judging by how he seems to have started to care less about buying you a present so it sounds like you're probably not being unreasonable about that either given the wider context of what happened last year with not bothering to get you a present once the events thing fell through. And the thing with MIL present sounds very strange. Have you spoken to her about it? Obviously bad of him mainly if he kept the money but also why didn't she just give you the money but I guess she thought he'd take of it.

NennyNooNoo · 13/12/2016 23:30

There are 2 separate things going on here - the disappearance of the OP's money which was meant for her, and the choice of some trees as a gift.

For the first, we don't know the man, but to give him the benefit of the doubt, either he's hopelessly disorganised and has genuinely forgotten and may be something you have to learn to live with, or he's squirrelling it away / spending it on himself which is the worse option. Is he forgetful and disorganised, OP?

For the second, I do think a lot of men struggle to choose presents, and he probably latched on to when you said you liked them but couldn't afford them and thought you'd want them as a present. So I would let him off for that part. Although I did like a PP's idea of getting him some hedge cutters as his present.

HorridHenryrule · 13/12/2016 23:38

Klaphat thank you for pointing that out.

For those who disagree with my post. There could have been a good reason why he spent the money it could have been for a bill, food or travel to get to work. I don't think your partner was being malicious. I do think you need to know your financial situation it's not just you and him there are children. As a PP mentioned he could have debts that you don't know about. You can't walk around blind.

Klaphat · 13/12/2016 23:38

NennyNooNoo, did you miss this?

I keep reminding him. He says "I haven't forgotten."

Soozikinzi · 13/12/2016 23:41

YANBU the trees are for the home not you

Klaphat · 13/12/2016 23:41

I do think you need to know your financial situation it's not just you and him there are children. As a PP mentioned he could have debts that you don't know about. You can't walk around blind.

You asked the OP whether she was aware of their personal financial situation. Then you wrote the rest of your post assuming she wasn't. And now you've written another post (/lecture) assuming the same.

Why the actual fuck did you ask in the first place? Do you go around IRL asking questions and then dishing out 'helpful' advice without waiting for the answer?

Soozikinzi · 13/12/2016 23:45

Me and my husband who have been married 35years agree to pay for each other for a trip or holiday somewhere this year it's a cruise but can be cheaper that's what we like to do with our money and it's better than a crappy surprise!

AleHouseWench · 13/12/2016 23:49

Am I missing what the relevance of this is

HorridHenryrule · 13/12/2016 23:51

He couldn't afford to buy her a present last year by the sounds of it. He could have needed that money his mother gave to him on necessities. Any money that comes into my house hold is family money. I think looking at your finances is good advice. The op even admits to acting like a child. Why don't she work out with her husband what they can afford to buy each other. She will feel a lot better.

Only1scoop · 13/12/2016 23:52

So he took money from his own DM and didn't use for purpose which she implied? It's almost like stealing.
I'd be sure tell him to shove his tree's and request the previous two years gifts.
He sounds disrespectful and tight.

IvorHughJarrs · 13/12/2016 23:56

Why don't you take anything you'd have spent on him for Christmas, spend it on yourself and tell him it's in lieu of your spa day

Cagliostro · 13/12/2016 23:57

YANBU

thatdearoctopus · 14/12/2016 00:02

Horridhenry You say he "could have needed that money his mother gave him."
But she didn't give it to him; it was a gift to the OP, not to him.
I agree that household income should be pooled but this is different. Gifts to one partner for a birthday/Christmas are not for pooling.

Klaphat · 14/12/2016 00:10

I think looking at your finances is good advice. The op even admits to acting like a child. Why don't she work out with her husband what they can afford to buy each other. She will feel a lot better.

She suggests that she probably sounds like a spoilt child for being irritated by this situation. She does not claim to have a child's grasp of household budgeting. I'm not sure what is proving difficult for you on this so I'm not going to be engaging with you further.

HicDraconis · 14/12/2016 00:25

DH and I were given several trees for Christmas the other year by our family - the difference is, it was a joint gift for both of us that we both wanted as we were sorting out the garden. DH does give me "family/household" things for Christmas and birthdays (my greenhouse, Kenwood stand mixer and attachments etc) - but again, the big difference is that these are things I want that I would otherwise not spend family money on.

I don't think the OP is being unreasonable to expect a little thought to go into a Christmas gift that is specifically for her as opposed to something that is for the family / household that she doesn't particularly want. I do think if money is tight, gold jewellery and Hermes scarves may be off the list this year but nothing is stopping him from organising something more within his budget that is personal to the OP - even the spa voucher that she should have had last year, plus some extra for an extra treatment there or something.

I also think that OP should be as involved with the financial decisions of her househould as her DH is whether she has a salaried job or not.

Ahickiefromkinickie · 14/12/2016 05:01

Horrid OP is not walking around blind. She told her DH they are short of money and can't afford the trees so she probably knows their financial situation better than her DH.

Or do you think as the man, her DH knows best where to spend the money that was given to DH for OP and OP is just acting like a child?

SureStartRedemption · 14/12/2016 05:30

Well I have nothing to add but want to grammar police my previous post 'brace yourself for the you're lucky your dh gets you anything brigade'

OP I hope you have spoken to your dh about it and also, is there anything to stop you just asking your dh to transfer MIL's cash over and booking the spa day yourself?

FWIW I don't think you are being childish about this.

HorridHenryrule · 14/12/2016 12:53

Klaphat I didn't ask you to engage with me it's up to the op to agree or disagree. My post was meant for her not you. I am wired differently to you I don't think it's a bad thing. My partner has me assessing everything. I am SAHM Iook after my partners business. I do tend to talk a lot about money and what we can and can't afford. I know where every penny goes. I am not in a controlling relationship. I think the op should find out why he has not bought her a present for the last 2 years.

The op hasn't given much information apart from she hasn't received a present. My family have struggled with money in the past. The people who come first Christmas is always the children when you're struggling. The op hasn't given any more information about her life. I am not a sheep I have my own opinions and as a woman I am free to express my opinion.

NennyNooNoo · 14/12/2016 20:10

klaphat, I did see that line about the OP reminding her OH and him saying he hasn't forgotten. But my DH does this all the time - I have to remind him of things multiple times before anything gets done. Our son is the same and has 'needs frequent prompts to complete tasks' written in his EHCP. So I wouldn't rule out general disorganisation if he's like that in other areas of life e.g. DIY tasks.

MrsMattBomer · 14/12/2016 21:15

I'm getting a deep fat fryer for christmas... there's a stage in marriage where you essentially just buy things you actually need for the house and not soppy gifts. We're not teenagers anymore.

DP's getting a session with a chiropractor off me. Very romantic!

MrsMattBomer · 14/12/2016 21:19

Aderyn2016

It sounds like they've had financial issues and her DH probably used the money for things like food/bills. I don't see that as an issue. Any money that comes into this house is household money (other than money given to the kids) and we decide what we need to spend it on. We don't need to do it now but a few years ago when DP was undergoing chemo it was necessary that things like DP's birthday money needed to be spent on keeping the electricity on. I didn't tell him at the time because he was undergoing treatment, but I have no moral issues knowing I did the right thing and he would have agreed.

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