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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel annoyed at my friends and a little bit betrayed?

102 replies

whataspectacle · 13/12/2016 07:31

Long time lurker but first time posting. Hoping I can get some perspective on this from you.
My exH is getting remarried next year. He is marrying the woman who he had an affair with when we were married. This isn't the issue. As far as I'm concerned she is more than welcome to him and my 2ds's love her.
The issue is that he has invited 2 friends of mine to the wedding. These happen to be 2 of my closest friends who saw me at my weakest and most broken hearted when he first left me. He treated me very badly both in our marriage and for a while afterwards and they were there through it all.
They used to be mutual friends to both me and exH but have only recently started being back in contact with him.
AIBU to feel betrayed? I know they are adults and they can make their own decisions and if they want to go they have every right. Please help me!!

OP posts:
Oblomov16 · 13/12/2016 09:33

Like a pp, loyalty is very important to me. I wouldn't say anything, but if I found out that they had gone, I would see them in a different light.

Bluebolt · 13/12/2016 09:34

You can be amicable with an ex but I would not want to share a social circle. It may feel to your friends that the invite is a test on their loyalty to him as well as yours. A refusal would be a clear message that their friendship with him is over, this may leave them feeling extremely awkward.

BitOutOfPractice · 13/12/2016 09:38

I'd want my friends to go so they could give me the full low down on it but I realise that's not a healthy or sensible attitude.

Op I can understand why you're hurt. I would be too. Do they know you're hurt by their actions?

kaitlinktm · 13/12/2016 09:51

Unlike a PP I can totally understand how you can have no problem with him marrying but still feel hurt by your close friends attending in order to celebrate an occasion from which you are excluded and which rules the final line under your own marriage.

Even if I wished the ex and his new wife well, I would send a card and gift but would not attend and would say why. "I wish you well but I would feel disloyal to Spectacle if I attended."

Having said that I don't know what you can do really. If they are so insensitive as to want to tell you about the occasion afterwards, I would just say "Please don't tell me about it - I don't want to talk about it." Even if your children have attended and you have had to listen to them, it doesn't mean you have to listen to everyone.

Maybe then they might get some idea of why it was hurtful to you - but I wouldn't hold my breath.

SparklyTwinkleGlitter · 13/12/2016 09:51

I used to have a best friend who stayed friends with the ex because her DH and him were mates.
Apart from Xmas cards and the occasional phone call, I don't see best friend anymore. She didn't want to take sides. I needed support. Her choice. My choice to cool the friendship.
You'll make plenty of new friends so if they go to the wedding, just cool the friendship. You really don't need them.

Sneery · 13/12/2016 09:53

^I'd want my friends to go so they could give me the full low down on it*

Why stop there? I'd want my friends to go so that they could sabotage it. They could wear inappropriate white bride style dresses, giggle through the ceremony, roll their eyes throughout the speeches and get outrageously drunk etc.

(I am joking. 🤔)

Ahickiefromkinickie · 13/12/2016 09:54

Definitely time to re-assess these friendships Flowers

AgnesBrownsCat · 13/12/2016 10:05

He's chancing it by inviting them but probably trying to get into their good books. They would be very unreasonable to attend and I'd be telling them so.

Aworldofmyown · 13/12/2016 10:21

Do your friends have husbands that are friends with your ex?

Carrotsandcustard · 13/12/2016 10:22

I had a similar thing but from the other side. One of ex-h friends cheated and them married the ow. Both I and ex were invited to the wedding. I refused to go as i felt that if I I did I would be condoning their actions. I'm glad I didn't go as many years later my h cheated on me and, having experienced the hurt and devastation it caused to me and our children, would have felt betrayed if a friend that gone to a subsequent wedding.

Original poster
whataspectacle · 13/12/2016 10:31

Thankyou so much for all your replies. You have all given me something to think about and I do think I need to reassess my friendships if only to be more honest with them and tell them how I feel. This is why I needed some perspective! I am hurting but I have also moved on and need to let my friends make up their own minds. It's ok I'm pissed off though!!

OP posts:
mummydawn07 · 13/12/2016 10:46

I agree with some other people who have said that maybe your friends think that you are ok with it, it might be a good idea to sit your friends down and tell them how it makes you feel that they have agreed to go and see how they react when they see how much it has affected your feelings, if they are still decided on going after knowing your thoughts and feelings then they aren't worth having in your life. I wouldn't do it to one of my friends as it would be intentionally hurting their feelings and that's just not who I am. I hope things work out for the best for you and I am sorry to hear that you went through that hurt and pain x

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 13/12/2016 10:47

I think in their shoes, knowing what he'd put you through I would have declined the invitation.
Grasping at straws here but do they have DCs the same age and are they included in the invitation as company for your DCs on the day...?

It seems a provoking thing to do on his part, even if originally you were all friends, but suspect that in his head it will give this new marriage a sort of public approval. I would find it difficult to treat them quite the same afterwards.

Busty99 your 'friends' sound a mercenary bunch.

MrsMattBomer · 13/12/2016 11:01

I'm of the opinion that you absolutely take sides in these situations. I am a person who values loyalty - I'd certainly cut them out if they went.

We've cut out people who have treated friends of ours awfully or had affairs, even if we were mutual friends. The only time we haven't cut people out is when someone has divorced with no third party and they have stayed friendly. There's also been cases where there was a third party and we've remained friends, but that person hasn't actually gone on to marry the third party.

mmmuffins · 13/12/2016 11:04

If they've seen how badly he's behaved, and how utterly distraught you've been, then they are terrible friends to go to an event to celebrate his relationship with the OW. So sorry, OP.

Bagina · 13/12/2016 11:10

He cheated on you with ow and now your friends are going to their wedding to celebrate their love and relationship??

No, no, no!!! Angry

I'd send them a msg letting them know how I felt; you're going to lose them as friends now anyway, so you may as well explain your side of things.

JustSpeakSense · 13/12/2016 11:12

You need to make them aware of how much this would hurt you. So they cannot turn around and say they didn't know how you felt.

Your feelings are completely justified, loyalty is everything, even considering celebrating the union of two people who caused a dear friend so much hurt is unforgivable.

Obsidian77 · 13/12/2016 11:16

At the very least, I would have expected them to let me know they had been invited and ask if I minded them going. If they haven't extended you that courtesy, they are telling you where their loyalties lie.

Aeroflotgirl · 13/12/2016 12:28

I am afraid I agree with mmmuffins, its all wrong. They helped and supported you with his affair and break up with this woman as the OW, and then they are going to a wedding to celebrate their love and commitment to one another. How can can two supposidly close friends do this to you, its cruel and nasty. Any good friends worth their salt would never entertain such a thing, and would never go. Yes you indeed know now, where their loyalties lie, and its not with you!

Busty99 · 13/12/2016 12:30

I think when you have been let down so badly by the person you thought you could trust and be there for you 100%......then you find out they are having an affair, you need your friends more than ever.
Your life has been turned up side down, your friends are the only kind of normality in your life. You then start to build your life up again.....then something comes along like the op's friends invitation to the wedding or in my case my 'friends' going on holiday with my exh and ow....and you are back to square one again as you have been let down again by the people supposedly closest to you a d who know all the ins and outs of the affair and the damage it did to you.....but it's ok they get a free holiday.....so you are left wondering, again, can you actually trust anyone, has anyone any loyalty to anyone else.

Aeroflotgirl · 13/12/2016 12:41

It's a betrayal really.

Sallystyle · 13/12/2016 12:49

I'm sorry OP Thanks

They would no longer be my friends, that's for sure.

DixieWishbone · 13/12/2016 13:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BringMeTea · 13/12/2016 13:02

Shitty behaviour from them. How disappointing. I would quietly drop them. Or loudly if you'd like them to know why they are being dropped. YANBU.

ItsALLAboutMeMeMeMeME · 13/12/2016 13:45

People keep saying August, but the OP has been separated from her ex for two years. Not suggesting it's any less painful for her but, like with a bereavement it's hard for other people, no matter how good friends if they are not personally affected to sustain that intense a level of pain/animosity on behalf of someone else. I honestly don't see this as being callous or lacking empathy or even a betrayal since, by the OPs own account, these friends did take her side from the start and have supported her through it for over two years.

They've seen her establish good relations with her ex and the ow for the sake of the children so it's not really surprising they might have assumed it was ok for them to resume a friendly relationship with him too. If the OP hasn't spoken to them to let them know how strongly she still feels, why wouldn't they accept a wedding invitation?

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