To feel annoyed at my friends and a little bit betrayed?

[whataspectacle]

Long time lurker but first time posting. Hoping I can get some perspective on this from you.
My exH is getting remarried next year. He is marrying the woman who he had an affair with when we were married. This isn't the issue. As far as I'm concerned she is more than welcome to him and my 2ds's love her.
The issue is that he has invited 2 friends of mine to the wedding. These happen to be 2 of my closest friends who saw me at my weakest and most broken hearted when he first left me. He treated me very badly both in our marriage and for a while afterwards and they were there through it all.
They used to be mutual friends to both me and exH but have only recently started being back in contact with him.
AIBU to feel betrayed? I know they are adults and they can make their own decisions and if they want to go they have every right. Please help me!!

[whataspectacle]

Sorry for anyone who was quoted in the DM. Can't believe that those idiots have nothing better to do that trawl through Mumsnet. I am genuinely grateful for all of the support and perspective you have all given me and so sorry it has somehow become tabloid fodder.

[whataspectacle]

So pleased that I asked advice, thank you to everyone who has replied. I now need to have a heart to heart with them and let them decide. It's up to them ultimately not me.

[Busty99]

This thread had made me feel so much better. I thought I was being bitter after my 'friends' decided to be friends with m exh and ow. But reading this has made me feel like it's right to feel upset and betrayed. My idea of friendship is trust and loyalty which sadly a lot of people are lacking in.

[Aeroflotgirl]

Good friends just do not behave like that, just remember that op.

[junebirthdaygirl]

I have a friend whose dh had an affair and left her with small children to be with his " soulmate ". I was so angry l couldnt even look at him. But she said l'm not asking you to do this. It's fine with me if you chat when you meet. It doesn't improve my situation for all my friends to hate him. He left the other woman pretty soon after she has his child. But my friend was well on her way to happiness at that stage.
I wouldn't have gone to his wedding in a million years even if my friend was cool with it.

[Hotfootit]

Wow - I can see why you're hurt, but I'm really not sure….
I have two friends whose Ex-H each cheated and left them. DH and I were friends with them as couples and our kids are close to the children of both marriages.
Friend 1 - horrible nasty sudden breakup, he left overnight and caused devastation. They have both moved on, each with new partners, but the relationship is still horrible and they cannot stand each other. They communicate mainly by text over the children and ignore each other in public (e.g. school performances). It is now 3+ yrs later and I am civil, verging on friendly with F1ExH when we meet, but I would not go to his wedding were he to have one.
Friend 2 - horrible drawn out break up that took place over several years, getting back together before the final split, involving 2 or 3 OW. F2 and friends knew about one OW. He now lives with final OW. We were/are all v close - our kids are like cousins, going on holidays/days out together etc. over many years. Much sadness and some aggro over the kids as they eventually divorced, but we all (F2, Ex-H and friends) supported the kids and now F2 and Ex-H communicate and cooperate reasonably well over the kids and are flexible re contact to help the kids out. They now sit together at school/kids events, save each other seats and are pretty civilised in public (but definitely don't socialise together). Due to the closeness of the kids we saw them both whilst the marriage dissolved; although F2 is my friend, and Ex-H is more distant, he is still (I would say) friendly with me and DH, and we still do the odd family day out with Ex-H (although this is mainly DH and F2Ex-H). We have been avoiding visiting F2Ex-H and OW (have never met her), even though he and all the kids have asked us to visit. If (and it's a big if) F2Ex-H and OW get married in a couple of years, I can see we might be invited and I would feel rude (especially to the kids) to not go. But I'd feel rude to my friend also (I rather hope it never happens)…..

I guess what I'm saying is it rather depends how the relationship between the ExW and ExH looks from the outside. If it's nasty, 'sides' will be retained. If it looks civilised, then for many reasons friendships may resume.

[GlobalTechIndustries]

Given what you have said it does seem like they are jumping ship and siding with your ex.

[flamingnoravera]

My post is in the DM, I feel dirty.

[waterrat]

For the DM journo who took this - this site supports women. The DM does not.

[waterrat]

This is on the Daily mail website.

Fuck off daily mail

[Sunnyfeet]

It winds me up that one or two of my friends eventually became Facebook friends with my ex, and if they'd attended his wedding it would have been the end of those friendships.

[Janey50]

OP - Are they actually going to the wedding? If they are,then they are not being very loyal to you.
LittleCandle - That's awful.

[Vagabond]

Wow, can't believe some troll journalist is scanning the pages of Mumnset for stories. Esra Gurkan, you should be ashamed of writing that article. Not only is it lazy journalism, but you are trolling a website which supports women for a cheap news website that is clearly racist, homophobic and hates women.

Why don't you troll for your side boob stories somewhere else.

[stressedoutmam]

What absolute fucking BITCHES!

[glitterandtinsel]

Wow, if they go you know who they're loyal to.

[mushroomsontoast]

I'm a bit on the fence. I can see why it hurts, but I think you need to rise above it and be the bigger person here. It's not your friends' fault.

My exH cheated on me 2 years ago and is now living with the OW. It hurt like hell at the time but we're fairly amicable now. Like you, we had lots of mutual friends and an awful lot of them cut him out after it happened. However, I have actively encouraged people to stay in touch with him and said absolutely I do not want them to take sides. If nothing else, for the sake of the DC, as most of them have DC the same age and it is good for them to all still see each other when the DC are with exH.

I expect if he and OW got married he wouldn't have the gall to invite any of of our mutual friends... But if he did I wouldn't mind they went. We've all moved on.

[RainbowJack]

Traitors. I would dump them.

[MrsDesireeCarthorse]

I can't imagine going to the wedding of someone who shat on one of my friends like that. I wouldn't have any great wish for their marriage to be happy after how they behaved in the first one, so going would be massively hypocritical.

[StaceyKeller]

Don't get offended.
But
If they go.... they have no respect for your friendship. Or morals should I say.
And if they sit down and tell you genuinely why they are going. Dunno :
E.g. Don't want to be rude/known him longer
Or whatever. Then respect them for that. And move on with your life

Distract yourself, deal with your own life.

When his relationship fails or your friends friendship with him fails.

At least you'll be there to watch with dignity. And laugh with a glass of

[Katy07]

People keep saying August, but the OP has been separated from her ex for two years. Not suggesting it's any less painful for her but, like with a bereavement it's hard for other people, no matter how good friends if they are not personally affected to sustain that intense a level of pain/animosity on behalf of someone else. I honestly don't see this as being callous or lacking empathy or even a betrayal since, by the OPs own account, these friends did take her side from the start and have supported her through it for over two years.
They've seen her establish good relations with her ex and the ow for the sake of the children so it's not really surprising they might have assumed it was ok for them to resume a friendly relationship with him too. If the OP hasn't spoken to them to let them know how strongly she still feels, why wouldn't they accept a wedding invitation?
This ^ They were there for you when you needed them but your ex cheated on you, not on them. They are entitled, if they want, to re-establish their friendship, and for all you know they've told him how terrible he was and he's agreed and now they've moved on. You can't control their lives or their feelings, only your own.

[Candlestickchick]

Have they asked you how you feel about it?

I think it's a bit disloyal and YANBU

[Neglectedbythesun]

This would piss me right off. What skin is it off their nose not to attend? I think in life there are the types for whom your enemy is their enemy and those who think someone's not done them any personal harm. I think some people don't like to stick their necks out and maybe also fancy the invite for a day out. Also, they may think you're not bothered.

The good thing is that they supported you when you needed it and you sound like you're doing an amazing thing for your kids. Know this about them and don't be surprised if they get more pally. It's not about how they feel about you- this is their personal way of dealing with stuff. So yanbu.

[maggie212]

Yes... this is a terrible betrayal and friends don't do that. If I saw my best friend's ex husband I would have to be restrained from punching the louse for what he put my friend through. Cut those "friends" from you life. Completely. Let them depend on the "friendship" of the man who who wouldn't be faithful to the person who once trusted and cared for him the most and let them see how "faithful" he is to his friends as well.

[melj1213]

YABabitU

They were mutual friends during your marriage, when he betrayed you they "took your side" and supported you for the last couple of years, but perhaps since the divorce finalised, they feel that you are now two seperate entities as your marriage is officially over and they can try to resume some sort of contact with him, and he has invited them, especially as you appear to be accepting of his new marriage for the sake of your children. If you're okay with your children attending the wedding then why would your friends assume you wouldn't be okay with them going if you haven't said anything?

For you it is clearly still very raw, as the divorce has just happened, but you have been seperated for two years and his wedding is not till next year, so three years after you actually separated. Why shouldn't your friends be allowed to decide whether or not they want to be friends with you both especially after years have passed?