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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel annoyed at my friends and a little bit betrayed?

102 replies

whataspectacle · 13/12/2016 07:31

Long time lurker but first time posting. Hoping I can get some perspective on this from you.
My exH is getting remarried next year. He is marrying the woman who he had an affair with when we were married. This isn't the issue. As far as I'm concerned she is more than welcome to him and my 2ds's love her.
The issue is that he has invited 2 friends of mine to the wedding. These happen to be 2 of my closest friends who saw me at my weakest and most broken hearted when he first left me. He treated me very badly both in our marriage and for a while afterwards and they were there through it all.
They used to be mutual friends to both me and exH but have only recently started being back in contact with him.
AIBU to feel betrayed? I know they are adults and they can make their own decisions and if they want to go they have every right. Please help me!!

OP posts:
Original poster
whataspectacle · 13/12/2016 08:27

Time frame I filed for divorce, he wasn't that bothered Hmmso it was finalised in august. They got engaged end of August! We had been separated just over 2 years.

OP posts:
Sneery · 13/12/2016 08:30

We had been separated just over 2 years

Ouch! No wonder it hurts. YANBU

Busty99 · 13/12/2016 08:32

I had this problem when my exh had an affair. All our mutual friends were horrified, telling me what is was doing was so wrong and how they would always be there for me and our son. Now they are all 'friends' with exh and ow as my ex has a job that means he can get things for people, i.e. tickets for sporting events, concerts, invitations to certain 'exclusive' events. So, they don't bother with me or our son as we can't give them anything like this.......all we could give them was friendship and loyalty. After our divorce it seems people want to be friends with the one who they can get the most out of and all the things exh and ow did whilst having their affair have been forgotten about now.....people I thought were good friends and now very good friends with ow.

Footinmouthasusual · 13/12/2016 08:33

Got to say I have been to a few weddings where I didn't think they would last too. One case wrong so far, one case right.

I think you have done a good job of picking yourself up and seemingly sorted and putting the kids first here so bloody well done you. I think such a good job that these friends see you as ok with them going and their motive is to just be mutually friendly and supportive of both your choices.

Your ex sounds a cold shit bag though.

Footinmouthasusual · 13/12/2016 08:35

Busty that's horrible. They weren't proper friends and will drop your ex too probably if he can't give them stuff.

Find better ones, Flowers there are lots of much nicer loyal and less grabby people out there.

Underthemoonlight · 13/12/2016 08:36

Get rid of them they aren't true friends op you deserve better

OllyBJolly · 13/12/2016 08:43

I'm a bit surprised at the responses here. I can see why it would hurt, but in the grand scheme of things your marriage is over, he's marrying someone else, might not last, many marriages don't.

I have friends who have done shitty things in their lives- they are still friends. I've done some shitty things too and my friends have stuck with me. I wouldn't boycott a friend's wedding as a protest at something they had done.

My ex is a shit (as his subsequent partners will agree!). But he's funny and good company and would help anyone out who needed it. We still have mutual friends. Some have been to all his weddings. I don't take that as a slight against me.

ShatnersWig · 13/12/2016 08:43

OP, how long ago did you split up? You say these friends have only recently started being back in touch with him. I'm assuming as you are divorced and a wedding is imminent, we're talking at least three years?

I'd be a bit miffed if they went but a fair amount of time has presumably passed and I think people do often reconnect some years down the line. I know a couple who divorced very bitterly due to his affairs but within 5 years both had remarried, both were blissfully happy, they get on perfectly well and all their friends have reconnected when "sides" were taken at the time.

Had you not been married, he cheated then left you and six months later announced he was getting married and they went, I'd be seriously pissed off and cut them out.

My ex and I split after 10 years - fairly amicably, although she had been having a one-sided emotional affair, fixated on some other poor bloke who was horrified. Six months later one of my best friends had my ex round to her's on Xmas Day. My ex didn't know her prior to our getting together. I helped this friend enormously when her husband dropped dead, was always there for her when she rang up in tears. Yet my ex was the one invited for Xmas so she didn't spend it on her own. No thought was given to my spending my Xmas on my own. Suffice it to say, I'm no longer friends with that friend.

Miserylovescompany2 · 13/12/2016 08:47

If I were the friend with the invite, I'd probably send on a gift (to look like I'm not taking sides) then politely decline the invite.

The actual invite is out of your friend(s) realm of control? That said, what happens next is not!

At the end of the day, you didn't have the affair? To enter into a marriage, when both parties met based on cheating on another is more likely than not, ever going to have a happy ending...their will always be doubt lingering in the background?

Wish the happy couple well (through gritted teeth) and let Karma take its course...

I guess, you'll know how much your friend(s) value your friendship based on their subsequent decisions?

Lorelei76 · 13/12/2016 08:50

August?!
YANBU.
It's not like twenty years have passed.

Are these the sort who will go to the opening of an envelope?

Were they your friends originally or did you meet as a couple?

ShatnersWig · 13/12/2016 08:53

Sorry, for some reason, the page hadn't refreshed so I couldn't see OP's response before I posted mine. Having now seen it, if they go, they're no friends of yours and you're better off without them.

Bluntness100 · 13/12/2016 08:53

Op. you kinda got a bit more contradictory, now you're saying youre issue is because they said they didn't think it will last? 🙄

Firstly, we all say things like that, it's a soothing comment to make someone feel better, and it's seldom a reason to not go to a wedding.

Honestly, if you have a problem with it it's understandable, but you need to tell them that. Right now they're thinking you've no issue, your kids love her, you've been separated a couple of years, and they are friends of both of you.

You will be giving them the correct info to make their minds up on whether to attend or not, but it will put them in a difficult position as they are mutual friends, but until you tell them you have an understandable issue with this marriage then I don't think you can expect them to behave otherwise.

Bluebolt · 13/12/2016 09:02

I had a few friends who we met as a couple, when exh left with OW I found that even with their words they were couples who like going out as couples so by actions did side with ex.

UnoriginalNN · 13/12/2016 09:02

YANBU

Loyalty is a big deal for me.

Aeroflotgirl · 13/12/2016 09:04

Oh right, they are going. Well they will not be my friends anymore. They are two faced and backstabbing. Yes its time to reassess the friendship, and let these two go.

WicksEnd · 13/12/2016 09:05

Shitbags who'd rather have a free dinner than a friendship. I'd let them get on with it and cut them out of my life.

Blondeshavemorefun · 13/12/2016 09:07

IF mutual friends then they should be invited

You say you don't have an issue with the wedding. Your dc are happy with new step mum ,so what the problem ?

Yes the friends saw you at rock bottom and you seem happy without ex dh and kids ok with it all , so they probably thought why not go

If mutual you don't own them and they can see how they want

Yes he hurt you and was a bad husband

But as someone else wrote , is he a bad dad and friend as well?

Bluebolt · 13/12/2016 09:12

When a relationship ends really badly it's hard to have mutual friends you have your friends who you confide in and acquaintances.

Dozer · 13/12/2016 09:15

Sorry that your friends have let you down so badly. Those friendships would be over for me Sad

Joinourclub · 13/12/2016 09:17

They were mutual friends of you and your ex, but took your side after his affair. Now a bit of time has passed, you seem to have a civil, even amicable, relationship with him and his partner, maybe they think it is ok for them to start to repair their friendship. You seem to be moving on from the hurt and betrayal, why can't they?

Giselaw · 13/12/2016 09:19

So you've leaned on these friends and told them all the bad crap about your husband - were they supportive? Did they ever say they view him as a completely different person and don't ever want to be friends with him?

I can be supportive and listen to someone, but still maintain a relationship with the person who was bitched about.

pepperpot99 · 13/12/2016 09:20

You cannot put a value on loyalty. Those 2 'friends' are not loyal, OP, so I would definitely cut loose of them. You are better off without them.

I have cut one or two people out of my life recently because I finally accepted that they had no loyalty to me (or anyone except themselves) and that if the chips were down they would not be there for me. I feel better for it.

MrsArchchancellorRidcully · 13/12/2016 09:20

I think if they'd stayed friends with you both throughout, then it's fair enough to invite them. I wouldn;t have a problem with it. But if they cut contact and 'took your side' then they really should say no.

Although, personally I'd live and let live. Your exH made a mistake but he's found someone he's happy with, hopefully you are happy (in your life I mean). Move on? Yes ExH should have left you before he started an affair but you can't change the past.

Basicbrown · 13/12/2016 09:24

However what I can't understand is how they can sit and watch him marry her when they have said to me They don't think it will last!!

If thinking it will last was a prerequisite to attending weddings there would be some without many guests.

I think that in one way it's just a wedding. Clearly they are still friends with your ex though, and I guess this is proof of that. So that will have to change things a bit, as you can't rely on them in the same way I think. But I think some of the vitriol on here is a bit Hmm

It might be worth telling them that you have been putting a brave face on it and see what they say?

DisappointingBanana · 13/12/2016 09:25

"If mutual friends then they should be invited"
Invited, maybe, but to actually go? I have a friend/neighbour whose husband cheated on her, they divorced (and he lied and behaved like a dick throughout) then he shacked up with OW and they've had a baby. He still turns up to village events, parents evening etc. and chats to everyone as if he's done nothing wrong. We're all agog at him. My DH used to go to the pub with him, but now won't see him.
Like your ex, he's a twat that cheated, and like your ex's fiancé, his wife was a OW who happily broke up a family.
I think its appropriate to take sides in this situation, and if your friends go to his wedding they're a) crap friends to you, and b) sending the message that what this couple did was OK.

YANBU OP

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