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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ban festivities on Xmas eve??

127 replies

facepalming · 12/12/2016 17:59

Dc2 has his birthday on Xmas eve, this is the first one.

We have all the grandparents coming to celebrate Christmas with us, DSis and some friends are coming up for some birthday cake the afternoon of Xmas eve.

I've said I don't want anything Christmas on Xmas eve - that we should keep it just for ds2's birthday - this will be every year until little one is old enough to decide himself how he wants to tackle it.

DH is European so he has the biggest sacrifice since he is used to celebrating Christmas on the 24th and he is on board with the plan.

We have made exceptions that the kids can leave their food and drink for santa and that after they are in bed we can maintain some of the European traditions amongst the adults.

Everyone was initially supportive but then we started with ' oh well can we just... and bit it's only..'

The straw was when I asked if we can do some Xmas present exchanges with those who won't be there Xmas day and I said we can exchange but not open as the day is reserved for dc2's birthday - at least in our home.

dm and dsis have got stroppy about it now and said it's unreasonable to expect to keep the day just as a birthday.

Aibu??

OP posts:
Original poster
facepalming · 12/12/2016 19:25

Sonlypuppyfat whose Christmas would WE (DH and myself) be spoiling?

We can see that it may not be realistic to keep the two separate and have seen some great suggestions here from those who understand so thank you for all of those!

I think we should be able to maintain the most important of the European traditions alongside his birthday - especially given that those occur after dark.

My side of the family wouldn't get together normally on Xmas eve - they are only here for DS's birthday. I can see that while he is small he won't care if we do some present swapping for Xmas but as the purpose of us getting together is his birthday I think if it bothers him as he is older I won't lose sleep over stopping that

OP posts:
moobeana · 12/12/2016 19:25

I am actually on your side, it is you children birthday. I know it's only his first, it you have to start as you mean to go on, especially with family traditions and boundaries!

My suggestion is that you stick to your line. 'My house my rules'
State firmly that in your home dd2 birthday is until 7pm and then the Christmas festivities and gifts can begin. Anyone who wants to do otherwise can leave or not attend. Make it clear that you will not be moved on this, and anyone who thinks they will do what they want and just do gifts in spite of your wishes will not be welcome the next year.

I have had to draw similar lines regarding the 'divvying up' of Christmas holidays. Dates and times are set in stone and anyone who tries to overstay is simply offered a list of hotels! I had to do this once, but only once!

I know people think it's controversial, but imo you are sticking up for your child. Well done.

Original poster
facepalming · 12/12/2016 19:30

Thanks moobeana - that's really kind of you and to all the rest of you who have tried to see my thinking here.

I can see both sides so I will soften up my approach a bit for now and wait and see how ds feels as he gets older

OP posts:
BowlFullofJelly · 12/12/2016 19:38

My sons birthday is Xmas eve, he is 7 this year. We have always visited family over Christmas so are there on his birthday. We've got into a habit of presents first thing, sending him and cousins with his dad to the cinema for a birthday treat, I get birthday tea and cake ready. We have a birthday tea, he gets plenty of attention but no one tries to pretend it's not Christmas Eve! We always do his actual party with friends mid Jan, which he also loves as gives him something to look forward to once al th excitement is over.

Honestly, it's fine - it's a big deal if you stress about it, but actually my boy loves it at the moment, everyone is together and excited and he gets pressies a day earlier! I do understand you're reluctance for present opening on Xmas eve, but as long as it's kept very separate from the birthday present opening it will be fine - he will be getting the Christmas presents as well (as long as no crappy relatives decide to merge his presents) so he gets double whammy!

Original poster
facepalming · 12/12/2016 19:44

Glad to hear you are not running into issues bowlfull!

I guess there will be advantages to Christmas birthdays too - no school, family around, Xmas tree up etc.

OP posts:
SomewhatIdiosyncratic · 12/12/2016 19:56

DS's birthday is shortly before Christmas. Family aren't local so he tends to receive birthday and Christmas presents at the same time. He's old enough now to ask his opinion on things like having the house decorated before his birthday (yes, he's very keen). DS2 probably comes worse off as he sees less people around his birthday, and he's the age of understanding birthdays, but not why he has to wait a few months longer for his.

I've offered a summer party option which may be better as he gets older. I'll give him a say each year. Christmas doesn't have to rigidly mean doing the same each year.

Prawnofthepatriarchy · 12/12/2016 20:00

YABU and if you keep it up I can see you becoming pretty unpopular at this time of year.

milkshakeandmonstermunch · 12/12/2016 20:03

All very understandable imo OP. DD1 has a mid Dec birthday and we don't put the tree etc up until afterwards. I don't want Christmas overshadowing her. Obv not an option for you with it being so close to the 25th!

It will be difficult to say no to everything on the 24th especially with other little ones and Europeans staying. Could you earmark the morning for birthday time then from mid afternoon onwards transition into Christmas?

Also, I know PPs are saying he's only 1 and won't care but 1) it is best to start as you mean to go on and 2) it is a massive day for YOU! Your baby will be 1. That is big and you deserve to celebrate.

JellyBabiesSaveLives · 12/12/2016 20:08

I'd move his birthday to 24th June! I really regret not doing that with ds2. He has to wait all year round and then 2 lots of presents all at once. Dd who is born in May has a much better time - summer parties, presents twice a year, no one is too busy to celebrate her birthday.

ShelaghTurner · 12/12/2016 20:11

Yanbu. It's not his fault he has a Christmas birthday, why should he have less of a fuss because of it? Sounds like it's the rest of the family that need to grow up, trying to make their Christmas more important than a child's birthday. And yes he's 1 but he won't be forever.

blueberryporridge · 12/12/2016 20:36

My DD's birthday is on 23rd December. She actually likes the fact that her birthday is so close to Christmas and enjoys the thought that she was born at a special time of year BUT having birthday celebrations (especially parties with friends when they get older) doesn't work very well as everyone is preoccupied with the festivities so we have a small family celebration on the 23rd (family presents, birthday cake and trip to pantomime etc) and have a half-birthday party for her friends during the summer (as near as possible to 23rd June). We think this works really well - she gets special day for herself, her friends can come to her party, and , from a present point of view, they don't all come at once at Chtistmas (although she does get her birthday presents from close family then).

Original poster
facepalming · 12/12/2016 21:16

For those that feel strongly it's a bad idea, can anyone explain a bit better why?

DH has said that those that want to swap presents can come and visit the weekend before or after to do so, as they normally would and that for his parents they will be able to join in with an English Xmas so no one really misses out.

But I suppose it is an inconvenience to ask people to visit twice if they really want to see presents opened?

I'm trying to take a fresh view on it. as many of you have said we should start as we mean to go on so it would be good to start start some new traditions now - although with a mind to be flexible on the things that don't work!

OP posts:
Liiinoo · 12/12/2016 21:23

My MIL and two close friends have Xmas day birthdays. My DDs longterm boyfriend is NY day. They have all had to get used to their 'special' days being interwoven with family and cultural traditions. That will be even more important if your DHs culture makes a bigger deal of Xmas Eve than we do here. With time and a good will you will work it out. Think of it as like having two children - having the second one doesn't mean you love the first one less. And celebrating two things on one day doesn't mean that one supecedes the other, they will mingle to become your families special way of doing things.

Original poster
facepalming · 12/12/2016 21:26

That's a nice way of looking at it liiinoo

OP posts:
FrancisCrawford · 12/12/2016 21:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

haveacupoftea · 12/12/2016 21:32

YABU. Do you really want your childs relatives to resent his birthday because his mother has banned all Christmas Eve activities? Why cant you just enjoy a doubly special day? You will be teaching a life lesson in the process - past the age of 10 birthdays arent really important and a surprising amount of people find this hard to deal with.

DaisyArtichoke7 · 12/12/2016 21:35

Christmas birthdays are lovely. My son is christmas eve and I am boxing day. No need to cancel Christmas just make sure that everyone makes a fuss of the birthday boy / girl on the day. Make sure there is a birthday cake, birthday tea and birthday presents in birthday paper. We now have three special days in a row and it is all lovely and christmassy too.

If you are worried just ask your family to help make things extra special day for the birthday boy in addition to the christmas stuff. In my experience people will still make a fuss on your birthday and you get to do the christmas stuff as well!

I always had a birthday party for school friends when it was less busy. My son had a party with his friends at the beginning of December. We will have birthday tea with family on his birthday and we will all do the christmas and Santa stuff together as well. He loves it.

AddToBasket · 12/12/2016 21:36

YABU

Go for the half-year birthday.

Original poster
facepalming · 12/12/2016 21:37

but what Christmas eve activities would they be missing? The English side of the family wouldn't normally get together Xmas eve.

DH and his parents are happy to postpone the European traditions to later in the evening and we are taking on board the suggestions above to incorporate some the most important ones into the end of thr day for dc

I guess I'm trying to understand why so many of you feel so strongly so that I can try to address those issues in our plans for the day

OP posts:
Liiinoo · 12/12/2016 21:37

One really nice part of MIL having a Christmas Day birthday comes out of us being a Catholic family. On one level it can be a pain that we have to go to Mass on a day which is already chockablock with cooking and visiting and presents. But on all MILs 'big' birthdays over the last 25 years the priest has announced her birthday from the altar at the end of the service and the whole congregation has exited to a rousing rendition of "Happy Birthday to MIL'.

We also do a joint Baby Jesus/Granny birthday cake with a symbolic number of candles.

allegretto · 12/12/2016 21:40

I think you are overthinking it! A Christmas birthday is not necessarily a bad thing - if it doesn't work out you can always celebrate a half birthday in the summer! Also really confused about the whole British/European thing - what continent is Britain in then? And Europe isn't just one whole mass of people busily feasting on Christmas Eve - I am in Italy and Christmas Eve is nothing to me!

Original poster
facepalming · 12/12/2016 21:40

That's sweet Liiinoo !

Daisy I'm glad to hear another one saying not to worry and that uou don't all hate it!

I just want to make sure he feels special and is not resentful about having to share his day as he grows up

OP posts:
Butterymuffin · 12/12/2016 21:42

I don't think you're being unreasonable OP and there have been a lot of childish replies here. 'You'll ruin everyone's Christmas' indeed. It's not nice for a child to feel their birthday is unimportant and I think setting out expectations now is wise, because otherwise it will be harder to ask for this when he's older. I also think a half-birthday is a good idea.

Original poster
facepalming · 12/12/2016 21:42

Allegretto I think you are right I'm over thinking.

In the UK Xmas is celebrated the 25th but in many European countries (including DH's) the 24th is when the main celebrations occur

OP posts:
FANTINE1 · 12/12/2016 21:42

I had a belly full of this nonsense with my soon to be ex SIL. Nephew born 2 days after Christmas. All signs of Christmas banished from his birthday party etc. The final straw for me was when I sent a not inexpensive present for his 17th birthday, which i had wrapped in Christmassy paper. Not full on Christmas but a hint to it. This did not go down well. SIL made her displeasure known via MIL. So rude.
I was always taught to be grateful for what you received, no matter what paper it was wrapped in!!