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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Mum has announced its time for me to host Christmas.

405 replies

torroloco · 12/12/2016 07:32

Apparently she has had enough and she "goes to all that effort just for us to fuck off on Boxing day". Both me, my brother and my Dad work- Dad and brother are working boxing day, I go back to work on the 27th but as I have a 3hr trip to get home I will be leaving early boxing day so i have time to get home and pack as im off on holiday with the family I work for.

Also, apparently because im 27 now I can host. The plan according to her is for the 3 of them to drive to mine in the morning and leave after Xmas dinner. To a tiny 1 bedroom flat with broken central heating (i highly doubt my LL will pull his finger out to get it sorted in time) and a tiny, unreliable oven.

WIBU to go and celebrate Xmas with them when im off for 3 days just before and then spend Xmas day alone eating shit and watching boxsets ?

I love my mother dearly but im starting to think shes batshit crazy Grin

OP posts:
HarryPottersMagicWand · 12/12/2016 13:19

YANBU. It's not up to your mum to decide its you doing it all. I bet if your brother lived elsewhere he wouldn't be expected. If she doesn't want to do it all, she has 2 other adults right there who can. I reckon she has the hump because you all have to be out for work the next day and this is her way of throwing a strop.

I very occasionally now, go to my GPs for tea, not often anymore as they are getting on. Last time i was there and my male cousin, my dad turned up part way through. My GD was sorting the dishes (they have a dishwasher) and I went in the front room to talk to my nan. Later my dad came in and said GD wasnt happy with me because I didn't offer to do the dishes. He was then off with me for weeks and wouldn't even look at me for the rest of my visit. He sat turned in his chair so he was facing away from me. The 2 men both stood there though? Nope, perfectly fine for them not to offer but I was expected to because I'm the woman. I host them for Christmas and i'd never dream of expecting a guest to help clear up. Is this a woman does the work/men get to sit around situation? Because if it is there is no way in hell I'd host Christmas for them.

diddl · 12/12/2016 13:22

I agree that Op's mum ibu to say that Op can host-that's up to Op.

Maybe she's pissed off that OP hasn't offered & has assumed that she'll be just turning up for Christmas?

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 12/12/2016 13:24

YANBU. It's not up to your mum to decide its you doing it all.

It's not up to OP her DF and DB to assume she will be doing it either!

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 12/12/2016 13:24

*she as in the mother

smilingsarahb · 12/12/2016 13:35

why don't you suggest you and your mum go to a spa on christmas eve whilst your dad and brother buy and prepare the food, then on christmas day offer to help your brother cook whilst the oldies go to church or something similar. Is it only the 4 of you? It seems a lot of fuss about a roast.

expatinscotland · 12/12/2016 14:36

'I'm still wondering anyone would choose to drive for 6 hours on Christmas Day .'

To a flat where you know there's no heating and a dodgy cooker.

SilentBatperson · 12/12/2016 14:49

Mmm, that has to suggest either extreme uselessness on the part of DB and DF or extreme aversion from DM, for whatever reason, to the idea that DB and DF should have to do anything. DM insisting on doing a 6 hour round tripe on Christmas Day makes literally no sense otherwise.

For all the posts we've had from people about how they hosted in a 1 bed flat and it was fine, space doesn't matter when you're with loved ones etc, 3 people travelling 3 hours to a small and ill equipped venue is completely nonsensical when it could be 1 person travelling 3 hours to a suitable venue. Especially when it's literally the only day they're all off. It's like she's trying to minimise the amount of time they all spend together!

UserWhatever · 12/12/2016 15:05

The others are working boxing day. Mums doing nothing.

But she is too precious too cook a roast for 4 on Christmas day just because.

She gets to sit on her arse on boxing day when no one else does.

Yoarchie · 12/12/2016 15:06

I can understand your mum being fed up with doing Christmas. But that doesn't mean she can force you to do it. I'd just say look, I know Christmas is a lot of effort for you and so understand why you don't want to "host" so there is no obligation to invite me/I won't be coming. However I am not able to host in my flat either so suggest we meet up another time.
No doubt, Christmas has become a stressful, consumerist pain in the ass.

I don't understand why you would need to order meat. I go to Tesco and buy a turkey off the shelf.

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 12/12/2016 15:08

The others are working boxing day. Mums doing nothing.

Maybe she is working Christmas Eve.

Or maybe she is pissed off that everyone is assuming she will do it without the other 3 grown ups actually asking!

RaymondinaReddington · 12/12/2016 15:08

Can't you use this as an opportunity to show your mum you appreciate the last 27 years of christmases she has hosted for you? If she knows where you live she won't have unrealistic expectations. It is only a roast dinner and 2 weeks is plenty of prep time.

I know a few adults who still expect their parents to do Christmas for them and their enlarging families. Fine if the parent desperately wants to do it but it is obvious that it reaches the point where it is just selfish. Your mum is giving you the heads up that she doesn't want to do it anymore - at least this year. Time to grow up! Embrace it and give your mum a rest.

RaymondinaReddington · 12/12/2016 15:10

The brother and dad issue is irrelevant unless you want to make a stand to be as unreasonable as them? Poor mum.

Marynary · 12/12/2016 15:13

I would love it if my parents would come to my house for Christmas. I hate travelling a few hundred miles to my parent's house to then deal with my mother stressing and being expected to practically cook the food anyway. I stopped going to my parents a few years ago. They still hassle me to go there but they won't come to me. I much prefer Christmas in my own house (with or without them) though.

DiegeticMuch · 12/12/2016 15:17

She must be at the end of her tether to suggest a 6h round trip to a small, cold flat. Find out what's really wrong with her, OP. It's got to be more than just Christmas drudgery. If your father and brother are lazy, she's probably just had enough.

RubbishMantra · 12/12/2016 15:39

It's not "just a roast" though is it? (which I find tricky) The expectations are set high for christmas dinner. Lots of things cooked at different timings - especially with an oven that's temperamental. Nightmare.

If you do decide to host OP, perhaps ask for a slow cooker as an early christmas present from DM. Nice tasty slow cooked casserole/stew thingy served with crusty bread, and little nibbly party foods from a supermarket as hors d'oeuvres? You could even line up the hors d'oeuvres in order of size? Grin

EweAreHere · 12/12/2016 15:39

I do honestly help. I make a stuffing, pigs in blankets and buy 2 bottles of wine and the Christmas pudding. I dont eat dessert so usually do the dishes from the main course and starter while they have dessert in front of the TV.

It sounds like DF and DB aren't pulling their weight?

IF that's the case, OP, I would just say no.

Firstly, you have a tiny flat, you have no heat and your oven isn't up to it. And you don't want to have everyone in your flat. That's reason enough.

Secondly, if DB isn't pulling his own weight, especially as he's still living at home, that's on your DM and DF. They raised him. They should never have let it get to this point. Not your problem.

Thirdly, if DF isn't pulling his weight and leaving everything up to DM to sort, then that's on him and DM for letting him get away with it for the duration of their marriage. She picked him. She married him. She hasn't pulled him up on it? Not your problem.

Fourthly, why should you have to do more because you're the girl, because that's what it sounds like the expectation is.

If DM doesn't want to host Christmas, fine. No Christmas at your parent's house. But it doesn't mean you have to have it at yours. Either everyone does their own things, or you all meet somewhere in the middle for a meal. THat would be perfectly reasonable to suggest.

PNGirl · 12/12/2016 15:44

I think mum is annoyed that because you have moved out and so far away you will be leaving her on Boxing Day morning with non-helping dad and brother. I know they are working but if there are normally 2 of you doing bits and bobs it was probably easier to ignore that she's carrying the whole burden. How does she feel about your new location?

RubbishMantra · 12/12/2016 15:48

*... I would be absolutely happy to host a meal, christmas or otherwise, but I wouldn't like to be informed that it was my duty to do so.

Want2bSupermum · 12/12/2016 15:51

Why don't you call your mum and invite her to your place for Christmas since you have boxing day off. Tell her the men can sort themselves out.

Sounds to me like you have a very traditional set up where the women do all the work around the holidays while the men sit there being 'useless'. It suits the men to be useless until they are having a shit time. At that point they pull their finger out of their arses and do something.

M&S do a fab range of ready made meals. When I was on my own during the holidays I would go nuts and get whatever I fancied. Having a 1bed flat that is small with a dodgy oven sounds very similar to my set up. I got myself a microwave meal and cracked on with it. I actually had a fabulous day, walking all over london, reading a couple of books and in the evening for a drink at the local bar.

RubbishMantra · 12/12/2016 15:56

Also, sorry if this hasn't been covered, but where do the 3 of them expect to sleep, in a 1 bed flat? Assuming it will be late, alcohol imbibed, carb induced sleepiness, so making the drive home dangerous at best.

UserWhatever · 12/12/2016 16:03

Or why doesnt op and her DB do the cooking at her mums.

She will have more space and better appliances. Unless her mum is territorial in her kitchen it could work out well.

Sparkletastic · 12/12/2016 16:12

RTFT people

MrsTerryPratchett · 12/12/2016 16:13

(Verdict was Arran Victory taste wonderful if you can get them, but Maris Piper still take some beating!) I live in a country where an acceptable answer to "which potato is best for roasting" is "they are all good for everything". I rolled my eyes.

RubbishMantra · 12/12/2016 16:14

OP's already explained that her mother has made it clear that's not an option Whatever.

SilentBatperson · 12/12/2016 16:16

Tee hee.

I do get why posters keep suggesting people who aren't DM do the cooking at DMs, though. Obviously yes RFTF, it gets a bit wearing after the 20th time, but equally it's an infinitely more sensible choice. I think the fact that people keep suggesting that, even when it's been pointed out a dozen times that DM won't have it, says a lot.

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