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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Mum has announced its time for me to host Christmas.

405 replies

torroloco · 12/12/2016 07:32

Apparently she has had enough and she "goes to all that effort just for us to fuck off on Boxing day". Both me, my brother and my Dad work- Dad and brother are working boxing day, I go back to work on the 27th but as I have a 3hr trip to get home I will be leaving early boxing day so i have time to get home and pack as im off on holiday with the family I work for.

Also, apparently because im 27 now I can host. The plan according to her is for the 3 of them to drive to mine in the morning and leave after Xmas dinner. To a tiny 1 bedroom flat with broken central heating (i highly doubt my LL will pull his finger out to get it sorted in time) and a tiny, unreliable oven.

WIBU to go and celebrate Xmas with them when im off for 3 days just before and then spend Xmas day alone eating shit and watching boxsets ?

I love my mother dearly but im starting to think shes batshit crazy Grin

OP posts:
zen1 · 12/12/2016 11:17

What do your dad and brother do to contribute to the Christmas meal? Sounds like your mum has just asked you to host because you are female. I am in my forties and have never hosted a Christmas dinner and don't intend to. I also don't expect anyone else to, but if I am invited, I wash up and clean up afterwards. I cooked my first ever roast for DH and the kids for the first time last year. If you don't want to do it, don't feel you have to. As someone up thread said, just tell them you are making other plans. It is different if you are someone who loves cooking and entertaining.

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 12/12/2016 11:19

Why is mum snapping at OP for her dh and ds's laziness.

OP hasn't said anything about her DF and 'laziness'

BringMeTea · 12/12/2016 11:21

OP please don't be steamrollered into hosting. Your mum is perfectly within her rights to say she isn't hosting and so are you. Have your own pajama day or whatever folats your boat. Really poor that you, owner of the ovaries, are being told to host. Leave the brother and dad to have spaghetti hoops with your mum. Merry Christmas! Xmas Smile

shovetheholly · 12/12/2016 11:23

I think people are missing a really important part of the OP's post, right at the start. The mother is complaining that she 'goes to all that effort just for us to fuck off on Boxing day'. In other words, this is not just about the food and the work, it's about the length of time. She does need to realise that the OP has some other pressures, like work.

Chippednailvarnishing · 12/12/2016 11:25

OP hasn't said anything about her DF and 'laziness'

She sort of has;
Brother still lives at home and doesnt cook hes fecking useless really

GloriaGaynor · 12/12/2016 11:25

Gloria, why would you choose someone to host who has no heating and an oven that isn't quite working properly

I would imagine, as I said before, that husband and brother aren't competent cooks; or they could manage it with a lot of input from OP's mum which she can't be bothered with; or it's a traditional family model whereby mother doesn't think men should cook; or she just wants to get out the house.

Why they can't go out to a restaurant I'm not sure, that seems the obvious solution. But I think it's ok that OP being asked to do it this year, as long a her brother and father take turns over the next two years. And a long as everyone is happy in 3 pullovers and thermal underwear.

PickAChew · 12/12/2016 11:28

It would be less of an issue if she'd made this announcement a month or two ago, so you could make alternative arrangements.

Tell her you're looking forward to serving her egg, beans and chips and you hope the sofa isn't too lumpy for her.

QueenLizIII · 12/12/2016 11:29

Id consider myself uninvited and do my own christmas. I hate christmas food anyway.

It is vile. Turkey and veg and potatoes...woo hoo.

Tell her you wont come then but you cant do it in a one bed flat for all those people and you would be reasonable to refuse.

BillyShingles · 12/12/2016 11:29

But the alternative OP is suggesting is that she goes up anyway, "fucks off" (her mum's words) back home earlier than usual and does absolutely nothing towards the catering this year. OP will end up as the bad guy, not her DF or DB. It's a pretty shitty way to treat someone who has done the large part of the work and organising for many years, probably with slowly increasing resentment.

I agree you need a proper chat with your mum, and the others too.

MrsWhiteWash · 12/12/2016 11:30

It would be so much better if people just saw it as a bit of a laugh, and not a competitive performance

It can be very hard to deal with someone determined to view it as a competitive performance.

You can find yourself drawn in despite yourself or left feeling like crap.

In fact I had to stop baking my kids birthday cakes for years and I love baking though nothing too fancy - was ending up with two massive bought ones and one I made - way too much cake. I'm "allowed" to bake now as I said children help - they do though now they often want me out of the kitchen so they can do it all Grin.

shovetheholly · 12/12/2016 11:33

Oh mrswhite I didn't mean to suggest it was easy to avoid. I know only too well how difficult it is to get out of that dynamic. Someone in my family is incredibly bossy about it, and it is very upsetting and undermining to be in the kitchen with them, not to mention just physically exhausting! I think it takes two to get outside of it, really, but that means people having a smidgin of self-awareness and good will, which isn't always abundantly present!

MrsWhiteWash · 12/12/2016 11:35

I think people are missing a really important part of the OP's post, right at the start. The mother is complaining that she 'goes to all that effort just for us to fuck off on Boxing day'. In other words, this is not just about the food and the work, it's about the length of time.

I think as well it's more about everyone having to work boxing day so not being around very long.

Scaling back on Christmas dinner faff or trying to find a location and trying and book a meal could be compromises - though I suspect Op Mum is getting stressed by Christmas preparation and is disappointed about not having her family around longer and may not like any solutions suggested to her.

AdoraBell · 12/12/2016 11:42

Haven't RTFT OP but I agree with you having a chat with your DM. If she is anything like my MIL then I assume she does everything because she is female and feels resentful after years if doing everything just because she is female.

Also, she knows you have to get back to work

AdoraBell · 12/12/2016 11:46

Ugh, bloody phone. She knows you have to get back for work so just reiterate that but be kind while being firm.

Also, the average 1 bed flat doesn't have space for a dining table. Do your parents use a table or us she happy to have Christmas dinner on her lap? Assuming you don't have a table, sorry if I'm wrong.

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 12/12/2016 11:46

Chippednailvarnishing That proves my point. It is her DBro that is lazy not her DF.

MrsWhiteWash · 12/12/2016 11:51

shovetheholly - your right it is easier to deal with when you can sort of laugh at it Grin.

TBH with MIL her MIL was hailed a champion baker and FIL has declared one of my deserts comparable so wonder if it's nothing to do with me as such. I do wonder if after lifetime of not baking she is now doing a lot partly as I'm safe to "compete" with. I do complement and I will taking about my own failures and I'm not a champion at it.

TooExtraImmatureCheddar · 12/12/2016 11:53

I think the mum is being unreasonable to decide this on the 12th of December! Also, the plan sounds mad - drive 3 hours, eat Christmas dinner and drive back? Am I right in thinking that both OP's father and her brother are working Christmas Eve and Boxing Day? So they get 1 day off to spend 6 hours driving? If I were them I would be saying no way.

OP, if I were you I would have a conversation with each member of your family about just what on earth is going on here, and what they all want to do.

Is money also a consideration? To be landed with the bill for Christmas with 12 days notice might mean that OP just hasn't got the budget for this. I have a lot less spare cash than my parents/PIL do, and they also have larger houses. It doesn't make logical sense for the poorer person with the small flat to host.

tatatetelle · 12/12/2016 12:17

I've not read the whole thread so someone might have mentioned it already, but seems to more more like the mum is doing this to provoke everyone to think about the effort she puts in. OP if you had a chat to her and the rest of the family asking what you can all do to help her - coming early to help with the cooking, bringing dessert, help cleaning up... it might calm her down.

capricorn12 · 12/12/2016 12:19

I also think this is more about OP's Mum being left alone on boxing day than it is about the cooking (there could also be an element of menopausal strop) as OP did mention that she was still living at home last year. Like others have said though, Dad and brother need to take some responsibilty for this situation too as they still live there and it does sound like they do nothing to help. The trouble is , there are some women, my mother was one of them , who insist on doing everything themselves and then moan that no one ever helps them.....this may well be the case with OP's Mum. Whatever the cause, it's totally impractical for OP to host in her flat and at this short notice. She needs to speak to Dad and brother as if she just refuses and chooses to have Christmas alone with a takeaway and a boxset what will they do then?

QueenLizIII · 12/12/2016 12:37

Left alone on boxing day...people have to work. Why doesn't she?

QueenLizIII · 12/12/2016 12:42

Mum is the only one apparent doing nothing else on boxing day. So she can relax.

She wants the ones who have to work to do it.

Nice

RubbishMantra · 12/12/2016 12:57

Holly, that food sounds bloody delicious and most toothsome. So much so, that I designate you to host my Christmas. Grin

shovetheholly · 12/12/2016 13:06

Awwww rubbish, you're so lovely! I am no great shakes as a cook (that really isn't false modesty I promise) but I have honed my roast. My favourite part was going to a specialty greengrocer and buying one of each variety of potato they did to see which one was tastiest. Of course, to make the test properly scientific, I had to scoff the lot. Grin This was naturally for the greater good of humanity and not just because I bloody love roast potatoes.

(Verdict was Arran Victory taste wonderful if you can get them, but Maris Piper still take some beating!)

MillionToOneChances · 12/12/2016 13:11

Sounds like there's only four of you? Can't see any reason why you couldn't host in even the smallest 1 bed flat, though the dodgy oven makes it trickier.

Can't you just talk to your mum about what's behind all this? I'd hazard a guess that she thought she was going to get a lovely day with you on boxing day and felt hurt when you said you were leaving in the morning, so she'll only have you around when she's swamped cooking. Does sounds like your dad and brother need to step up a bit...

Kr1stina · 12/12/2016 13:18

I'm still wondering anyone would choose to drive for 6 hours on Christmas Day .