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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Mum has announced its time for me to host Christmas.

405 replies

torroloco · 12/12/2016 07:32

Apparently she has had enough and she "goes to all that effort just for us to fuck off on Boxing day". Both me, my brother and my Dad work- Dad and brother are working boxing day, I go back to work on the 27th but as I have a 3hr trip to get home I will be leaving early boxing day so i have time to get home and pack as im off on holiday with the family I work for.

Also, apparently because im 27 now I can host. The plan according to her is for the 3 of them to drive to mine in the morning and leave after Xmas dinner. To a tiny 1 bedroom flat with broken central heating (i highly doubt my LL will pull his finger out to get it sorted in time) and a tiny, unreliable oven.

WIBU to go and celebrate Xmas with them when im off for 3 days just before and then spend Xmas day alone eating shit and watching boxsets ?

I love my mother dearly but im starting to think shes batshit crazy Grin

OP posts:
Chippednailvarnishing · 12/12/2016 21:03

The OP has already said that this isn't the case Liiinno.

Maybe you need to think about your family's inadequacies and your "up and down every 10 minutes" reaction to someone in your kitchen. You have made a rod for your own back.

corythatwas · 12/12/2016 21:09

Hardly think your experience is very typical these days, Liino- any particular reason why you have put up with it? Even my FIL (old enough to remember the time before WW1) was perfectly capable of learning how to cook (and did so) when it became necessary.

Chippednailvarnishing · 12/12/2016 21:15

Dag my turkey isn't just a supermarket turkey.
It's a frozen supermarket turkey...

Trills · 12/12/2016 21:36

Hear that in M&S ad voice :o

Chippednailvarnishing · 12/12/2016 21:41

Yup.

This isn't just any Christmas pudding. This is last year's Christmas pudding I found in the back of a cupboard 'cause I can't be arsed to buy another one.

Also suits the M&S voice.

burnoutbabe · 12/12/2016 21:41

Its unreasonable as you KNOW mum will be cooking for Brother and Father if you don't host, just you will be on your own.

I suppose I'd say yes and just make it clear it will be MY choice of food (pizza maybe if oven is working) and some cold starters and pudding that needs microwaving. No big roast done.

OR, you can all go out somewhere near the parents house for a meal.

I'd be very offended by the sexism displayed. Women cook and men just eat it.

(I'd also be working the landlord anyway about non working oven and heating, that needs fixing asap)

Maireadplastic · 13/12/2016 17:29

She's had enough and she's saying out loud rather than silently seething. Good for her.

EnnieJuan · 13/12/2016 17:30

If she wants to come to yours with no heating, no space and limited cooking options, then why not? It would mean cooking something commensurate with the facilities- a big pan of soup and a xmas pudding are doable. I would be very enthusiastic and tell her your plans to accommodate her request- she may change her mind when the point has been made and you have your plan (which can't feature a turkey dinner).

Trifleorbust · 13/12/2016 17:34

Don't you think after 20-odd years of hosting she might have a point? Fair enough if you really don't want to but you can expect her to.

jayne1976 · 13/12/2016 17:50

Sorry to go against the trend, but think for some reason your mum is being purposely agrivating.

She must know your flat is tiny, and inadequate to host such a gathering, and I'm guessing she would not be happy with a warmed up curry! She doesn't work by the sounds so as long as you all muck in I don't see the big deal on cooking at hers, glass of fizz in hand as you work! If you all muck in then you can all do your share! Sorry to disagree but she's being ridiculous! Sorry your description of your flat with out of order heating provides a miserable setting for Christmas!

Daydream007 · 13/12/2016 17:51

As you are a grown adult perhaps it is time to pull your finger out and host for once. I don't blaim your mother, give her a break.

EweAreHere · 13/12/2016 18:03

Its unreasonable as you KNOW mum will be cooking for Brother and Father if you don't host, just you will be on your own.

Please. It's not unreasonable at all. If mum has failed to make her husband (Father) do his share of the cooking over the years, and if mum and dad have failed to teach brother to cook and expect him to pitch in with the cooking of meals, that's not OP's problem. Unless you think that it's the job of 'the girl', too.

Because it's not. Mum doesn't have to host. But OP doesn't have to step up and fill her shoes if she doesn't want to just because mum wants her, the girl, to.

I wouldn't under the circumstances.

Dad and brother aren't helpless. They're spoiled, I bet, and are expected to do eff all. Not only that, I bet it's driving their mum mad as it's even more obvious how little they do if OP recently moved out and isn't their to pitch in any more ... as expected of the girl.

Have a quiet Christmas on your own, OP, if this is even in the ball park. Do not be bullied.

sleeponeday · 13/12/2016 18:07

Let me get this straight - your mum, dad and brother all live in the same house, and your mum does almost all the work of Christmas, and her idea of improving her lot is to saddle her daughter with full responsibility, instead?

Is there any reason your father and brother can't host with your assistance, this year, while your mother puts her feet up and is spoilt? If your father can't cook, point out that this isn't actually a problem if they order it all ready from COOK or Marks and Spencers - it isn't even any more expensive, frankly, than cooking from scratch. I'm sure the family can load an oven and microwave and then wash up.

Seems to me that your mother thinks women in the family should do all the domestic labour. Given you work outside the home, taking on the role of domestic goddess seems something all parties should share.

Goodasgoldilox · 13/12/2016 18:34

Dinner for four people sounds easier than driving for 3 hours in each direction! I would take the challenge.

If you have a tiny cooker and little space - then the traditional groaning table might not be possible but you could make 4 dinners of some kind - and even give a 'nod' to the turkey tradition. With such short notice, no one can expect you to be Mary Berry.

Do something modest and very easy to prepare- but a treat.

Start a new tradition where after dinner you and your mother play games/go for a walk/watch rom-com whilst your father and brother wash-up.

Goodasgoldilox · 13/12/2016 18:36

Your place - your rules!

burnoutbabe · 13/12/2016 18:41

Please. It's not unreasonable at all. If mum has failed to make her husband (Father) do his share of the cooking over the years, and if mum and dad have failed to teach brother to cook and expect him to pitch in with the cooking of meals, that's not OP's problem. Unless you think that it's the job of 'the girl', too.,

ah not at all, I just mean Mum has had this rant and WON't BE COOKING. But i bet she will be for dad and brother anyway if there is no other options, they won't all be eating nothing that day. So she will host them regardless, as she does every day. So she is being nasty by just saying (in effect) "i won't host DAUGHTER".

Mary21 · 13/12/2016 18:55

It will be fun. You don't need to drive. Xmas dinner isn't complicated. Xmas pud takes about 2 mins in the microwave. Buy a Turke a couple of days before Christmas and let it defrost slowly in your flat.
You get to choose the food. Aldi and Lidl are great for xmas stuff. Start some new traditions.
Have a great day and enjoy

Quintessing · 13/12/2016 18:57

Just host Christmas and go out for a meal as cooking Christmas dinner at yours is not feasible. Then at least she will understand why hers is a much better option, in future, and she will know she has a choice.

Crumbs1 · 13/12/2016 18:58

Maybe, just maybe a gentle conversation about how she is feeling and what she would actually like are overdue? Take her for afternoon tea somewhere nice and listen to her. Really listen - not with an ear to how unfair it is, not with an ear to what you imagine she is thinking but with an open heart and mind. Try " Mum I was really surprised when you said you wanted me to host Christmas". Then wait. "Mum would you prefer I came to you and took over all the buying, preparation, cooking and clearing?". Then wait. "Mum I've never done it and not sure I know how but I want to do my bit. Would you teach me? "

abbsisspartacus · 13/12/2016 19:04

Mum I would love to but I've no heating and my ovens dodgy can we book a pub this year?

Its unreasonable to see the new year in with a drip in your arm from food poisoning over Christmas

Charell20 · 13/12/2016 19:05

Totally understand that she is fed up but she can't just invite herself without your say so. If it's not practical you need to behave like adults and find alternate solution.

Also struggling to understand why everyone thinks Christmas dinner is a faff? It's a Sunday dinner with sausages. Cooke the turkey slow overnight, set the table the night before and just worry about the other stuff in the morning!?!

Marynary · 13/12/2016 19:09

In OP's shoes there is no way I would travel for three hours in each direction and then cook the Christmas meal. Cooking the food and not travelling ie what OP's mother does is definitely the easier option. If I was OP I would take her up on the offer to travel to my house for a change but I strongly suspect that she is just aggravating because she is annoyed that everyone is going back to work on Boxing day.

dailyshite · 13/12/2016 19:10

I completely get where your mum is coming from, although the practicalities of the day might not be ideal. It would be interesting to know if you have ever asked if you can go to hers or whether you have just assumed every year that this is how it will be.

Bunnyfuller · 13/12/2016 19:17

M and S is your friend. Pre prepped veg. You do not have to 'order' meat. Shop bought is perfectly acceptable. And your flat will be toasty full of people. Step up op, the 'help' you give sounds like a 16 yr old!!

SilentBatperson · 13/12/2016 19:30

As you are a grown adult perhaps it is time to pull your finger out and host for once. I don't blaim your mother, give her a break.

You don't think it might be a good opportunity for the dad and brother, the ones who live in a house with a working oven and heating system, to pull their fingers out, then?

Also struggling to understand why everyone thinks Christmas dinner is a faff? It's a Sunday dinner with sausages. Cooke the turkey slow overnight, set the table the night before and just worry about the other stuff in the morning!?!

I'd hazard a guess it has to do with the tiny, unreliable oven part. That has the potential to really throw a spanner in the works of any plans to cook sizeable joints of meat for any period.