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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Lifts and petrol money conundrum

133 replies

Juicypineapple · 11/12/2016 22:29

Ok I'm going to be intentionally vague so apologies in advance.

A lives in the same street as B but they don't really know each other although the kids are good friends. Both peoples dc start at the same school which is some distance away.

A takes her son to school in the car which takes 20 minutes
Bs dc go to school on the bus which is 45 minutes to an hour in traffic and includes a bus change.

A starts to offer Bs dc a lift home when she sees them at home time.
This isn't daily as sometimes the son and other dc are in afterschool sessions or not in the same classes or simply don't see each other that day.

Bs dc continue to catch the bus to school and home when not with As son.

B has not offered petrol money to A as B feels she is paying £70 a month for her two children's bus pass which covers them to school and back and doesn't really want to be paying even more out.

B feels it is silly to leave the two children to navigate the buses on the days they are in class together when they live in the same street but would appreciate a gesture of a small offer towards petrol

Who is in the wrong

Should Bs dc refuse the lift if they aren't offering money?

Should A stop offering to take the dc?

Over to you.

OP posts:
Sneery · 11/12/2016 23:34

I'm really big on giving petrol money and would happily ask for it if I was regularly giving a lift but If I was A I wouldn't dream of asking B for anything even if it was a token amount.

I'd happily give a lift assuming that the DCs were no trouble and thanked me. I would feel like I was doing the favour for the kids rather than the Mum.

Helloitsme87 · 11/12/2016 23:35

What oldraver said.
Why are you enabling her money grabbiness. Should have called her out on it.

Oldraver · 11/12/2016 23:35

Oh sorry...I thought you said you agreed A should get some renumeration

NiceFalafels · 11/12/2016 23:36

The most that A can expect is a bottle of wine at xmas and the end of the summer term as a thank you from B's mother.

She shouldn't offer lifts if she wants cash for it. The boys have prepaid transport. They don't need her lifts.

clerquin · 11/12/2016 23:37

If any party is feeling awkward about the lifts, maybe it would be better to stop them. It would be easier all round to save the angst.

Unless, you hear it from the horse's mouth, I wouldn't pay heed to gossip! If I was B, I would definitely be offering a nice bottle or two of wine for Christmas as a token of thanks for the frequent lifts home. Are we talking once a week or 2/3 x a week? At the end of the day, it saves your child time plus the hassle of changing buses on those days which is beneficial especially in the winter. This neighbour is a potential emergency contact and is more than a random kind stranger offering to do something that is a slight hassle (having to wait for another child). Just you wait for the children to fall out with each other - and they will!

Helloitsme87 · 11/12/2016 23:39

Clerquin- OP. has stated that A has offered about FIVE lifts since September

AcrossthePond55 · 11/12/2016 23:41

I'd rather not accept any money as I'd be afraid it would end up implying some sort of 'obligation' to give lifts. I'd worry that B would stop paying the bus passes and expect me to give lifts routinely as she was now 'paying for them'.

Bottle of wine or a plate of biscuits would be a nice gesture, but no cash.

foreverandalways · 11/12/2016 23:44

Neither are in the wrong.....are you person A or B ???????

foreverandalways · 11/12/2016 23:45

I am Lady C...oh and by the way you are currently hot topic in the playground....

BertrandRussell · 11/12/2016 23:45

If you're going to the same place and are offering a lift then absolutely no petrol money is required.

If it will somehow cost the lift giver more, then yes, petrol money should be offered.

But I don't understand the Mumsnet collective view on lifts, so I suspect I will be in a minority.

clerquin · 11/12/2016 23:54

Yeah - caught up now!

I think I would still send a Christmas card and hand over a bottle of wine as a thank you if I was B. IMO, B should see it as an opportunity to get to know her neighbour better.

It's not an issue. A hasn't directly said to B that she would like a cash payment for the favour. Since it's not even once a week, I'm sure that A has no problem with stopping offering lifts if she doesn't feel appreciated enough. B's kid probably needs to be more effusive with the thanks every time.

graveyardkate · 12/12/2016 00:04

I was imagining two or three times a week and was going to suggest B throwing a £1 coin in a jar every time the children get a lift home and using the money to buy an M&S voucher or equivalent as a thank you for A at the end of each term. I know that B does not want to spend more on her children's travel arrangements than she already does but the lift does represent a considerable time saving for the children and may well be worth £1 for the extra free time it gives them both of an evening.
HOWEVER, having now read that A lift has only been offered five times this term, then no, a reciprocal favour would be more appropriate: (cat sitting, plant watering, a homemade cake when weekend guests are expected etc) - or a bottle of wine at Xmas or the end of the school year.

JustanotherMortificado · 12/12/2016 00:16

It's a bit cheeky asking for petroleum money as b's mum hasn't specifically asked for the lift! I would have thought it was a nice thing to do, she's going back to the same place anyway so it isn't going to cost anymore petrol! Slightly greedy.

melj1213 · 12/12/2016 00:22

Petrol money should not be expected from someone who was happy without the lift, didn't necessarily want the lift and ony took the lift because the driver insisted.

If A wants petrol money then she needs to set up a proper arrangement (eg B stops paying £70 pr month for their kids and instead A takes them to/from school every day for £X petrol money instead.) and if she doesn't then she has to accept that it's a favour she has chosen to offer and as such should not be expecting anything back from.

B currently gains nothing by their kids getting a lift - they pay £70 p/m whether or not their kids are on the bus, it would be different if the kids were getting daily tickets and they could offer that money as petrol money if they got a lift, so A getting petrol money wouldn't be an extra cost but an alternate one - so why should they be out of pocket because of someone else's insistance on giving their kids a lift?

KeyserSophie · 12/12/2016 00:30

A is BU.

She doesnt have to offer the lift and there's also no incremental cost to her of taking 2 additional children on her usual route. She isnt doing anything differently/ having to wait around etc.

Unless A is prepared to commit to the arrangement to the extent that B does not need to buy bus passes for her children, then A needs to pipe down.

missingmumxox · 12/12/2016 00:42

If A wants paying she should set up a taxi service, no one is making her do it, she is a bloody idiot is she is asking for a "couple of quid" if I was B I would start putting her bin out for her without asking and then send a bill.

WhereYouLeftIt · 12/12/2016 00:53

A is BU. She is the one that instigates the lift, not B or B's children.

You wouldn't invite a neighbour in for coffee and cake, then expect them to pay you £2. This is exactly the same scenario.

ItsALLAboutMeMeMeMeME · 12/12/2016 01:18

I'm getting the impression A was perfectly happy offering the occasional lift to B's kids and hadn't even thought about compensation since it wasn't inconveniencing her in any way and she clearly felt no expectation or obligation. This was until the shit-stirrer friend (who is probably the kind that never does anyone a favour without asking what's in it for her) injected the poison by suggesting she was being taken advantage of and that she should be getting something for her trouble.

Katedotness1963 · 12/12/2016 01:24

A is being unreasonable. Giving the kids a lift, which they don't ask for and don't need as they have bus passes, which also doesn't take A out of her way at all, does not mean B should be handing over petrol money. And for 5 lifts in 3+ months? Ridiculous!

Blondeshavemorefun · 12/12/2016 05:52

A is wrong to want or expect petrol money for not going out of her way

It's been 5 times this term. So not even once a week

B has paid for bus pass and shouldn't pay anymore

If A would take and pick up every day then yes as no bus pass needed then B should pay something

If you op were in the playground listening you should have said that A offered so shouldn't expect anything as it's so iregular

RubyRoseViolet · 12/12/2016 06:05

I agree with others. B should not be offering lifts if it's annoying to her or she wants petrol money. A should tell B that she doesn't want to pay for petrol when her kids have a bus pass. Then tell the kids not to accept the lifts.

KoalaDownUnder · 12/12/2016 06:23

That is ridiculous.

'A' should stop offering if she's expecting payment!

PlumsGalore · 12/12/2016 06:39

Agree with lots of other posters. This is not an agreement nor can the driver be relied on to provide transport therefore any goodwill gesture of a lift is purely that. I think is the driver expects petrol money then she should stop offering lifts.

greenfolder · 12/12/2016 06:41

A should stop listening to others.
Sounds like a perfectly normal arrangement til others butted in.
No obligation on either part and a nice gesture.
If only I had realised in my girls teen years that when I occaisionsally picked them up from school and filled the car with waifs and strays I could have charged. What a ridiculous load of nonsense.

SelfCleaningVagina · 12/12/2016 06:41

As it stands A offers the lifts as a favour and because it costs her nothing and is not an inconvenience to her in the least. It's unreasonable to expect a contribution for petrol because

a) that would actually make her money. It costs her the same whether she takes B's children home or not.

b) B currently has no choice but pay for a return bus pass unless A makes the offer to take her children there and back every day as a solid commitment.

If A wants to 'earn' some money (which is in effect what she will be doing by taking petrol money, as it saves on her own sunk costs) she should tell B that she will take the children both ways every day. Otherwise poor B doesn't really know where she stands and is being made to feel guilty about something she didn't ask for and has no control over.