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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not send an anniversary card to my parents every year

79 replies

ElleMcElle · 11/12/2016 16:40

I made a fuss for my parents' Silver wedding anniversary and will do the same for Gold in a few years, but I don't send them an anniversary card every year. I have just discovered that my Mum thinks this is terrible and feels neglected by me. I think wedding anniversaries are a nice celebration for the couple, but nobody else's business. I do remember it and wish them happy anniversary when I speak to them on the phone near the time / ask them if they're going out to dinner etc. But no card.

My Mum does send us an anniversary card each year - but my DH and I have always found this a bit odd! I guess you do see 'To my parents on their Wedding Anniversary' cards in shops, so perhaps it isn't that unusual...

AIBU to say happy anniversary on the phone, but not send a card? And if U, how U?

OP posts:

OohhThatsMe · 11/12/2016 16:41

But they celebrated your wedding, so you can see why they'd remember it with a card, whereas presumably they married before you were born, so why would you celebrate that?

blueskyinmarch · 11/12/2016 16:44

I don't send my parents an anniversary card but my DM always sends us one. She is the only person who does this. I think because my birthday is the day after our anniversary she is just in the habit of buying the two cards at the same time. I don't think she is bothered that we don't send her a card.

CrystalMcPistol · 11/12/2016 16:44

I agree that wedding anniversaries are really just the couple to mark and celebrate but if it meant a lot to my mother that I sent them a card I'd just do it.

JoeyJoeJoeJuniorShabadu · 11/12/2016 16:45

we've always have to give an anniversary card and a present to our parents.
always.

as soon as we were made aware of it, from about 7 or 8, i think.
it was hard trying to conjure up good presents year in year out, especially when when we were tweens and teenagers and were only relying on pocket money.

JoeyJoeJoeJuniorShabadu · 11/12/2016 16:47

also, DM has tried to railroad me into doing the same for my sister and BIL.
i have refused.

ChanandlerBongsNeighbour · 11/12/2016 16:49

I always try to send anniversary cards to friends and family who's weddings I have attended. (Always send PIL one too, my own parents are divorced so not an issue).

Katy07 · 11/12/2016 16:50

I occasionally send an e-card but not a proper card. I feel that it's their anniversary - and besides, they can't be bothered to celebrate so why should I bother with a card...

CecilyP · 11/12/2016 16:52

Ask her if she always sent her parents an anniversary card. I bet the answer is no! We made a fuss of DH's parents 40th, but otherwise didn't bother.

Anniegetyourgun · 11/12/2016 16:56

Landmark anniversaries, as you did, yes. Every year, hell no, why would you? It's just greedy, that.

WhereDoesThisRoadGo · 11/12/2016 16:56

I don't know if YABU or not, but I find it sad that you don't get your parents a card every year. It is a card FGS! I love doing things for my mum and step dad for their anniversary and birthdays and every opportunity there is really.

Original poster

ElleMcElle · 11/12/2016 16:59

Glad I'm not alone... If I'd been aware it was something she expected, I would have sent a card - it's easy enough to do - but now it's come up as a THING, I'm not sure if it would look a bit hollow to start doing it all of a sudden...?

I've sent first anniversary cards to close friends a handful of times - because I'd been to their wedding / part of the wedding party and thought they would find it cute to receive one on their first anniversary. But it would never occur to me to send a card in celebration of someone else's 22nd wedding anniversary or whatever! Just mentioned it to my husband, and apparently he's had the odd comment from his mother about the fact we don't send them to her too! Eek! Perhaps it's a generational thing?!

OP posts:

BackforGood · 11/12/2016 17:01

I think some people are much more 'card people' than others.
I would only celebrate someone's Silver, Ruby, Gold, Diamond anniversaries (maybe occasionally first if I were very involved in the wedding) but my PiL send us cards for everything and nothing.
So, I think YANBU at all.

SilentBatperson · 11/12/2016 17:02

Yanbu. It's very odd, but some people are obsessed with cards.

DoubleCarrick · 11/12/2016 17:03

We've just had our first wedding anniversary and received lots of cards - maybe ten or fifteen. I was so touched that it's made me realise how much a card means to some people.

I didn't really understand until then the value of a card. I'll be sending more in the future

Original poster

ElleMcElle · 11/12/2016 17:03

WhereDoes - I send birthday cards and presents without fail, often have flowers delivered and make a bigger fuss of landmark birthdays. And I sometimes send little gifts randomly. But I've always seen anniversaries as a private celebration between a couple! It has never seemed appropriate to me to get involved!

OP posts:

Nanny0gg · 11/12/2016 17:04

Years ago it was the thing to send anniversary cards and we've always done it in my family.

But my DC don't give us a present as well, (I used to, to my parents) it's just a card.

PNGirl · 11/12/2016 17:07

Both my parents and the in-laws send us cards and would be upset if we didn't send one. I hate sending too many cards though, especially when I wasn't going to and then parents prod me to do it - I used to get really pissed off at MIL insisting my husband had to send mother's day cards to everyone in his family who is a mother and older than him.

WhoKnowsWhereTheT1meG0es · 11/12/2016 17:08

I don't send them to anyone, never have done. My parents send us one every year and while it's nice it's totally unecessary, I wouldn't mind at all if she didn't do it. I suspect my mum sends them to the entire extended family as all theur anniversaries are marked on her calendar but that might be just so she doesn't miss a silver etc.

Original poster

ElleMcElle · 11/12/2016 17:09

PNGirl - WHAAAAAT?! I think that's odd and rather devalues the concept of a mother's day card!

OP posts:

sj257 · 11/12/2016 17:10

My parents divorced when my mum was pregnant with me, so no idea about that but we only got anniversary cards from family on our first anniversary. We are at 5 years now, I presume we'd get one for milestone anniversaries too but otherwise I see it as an event a couple celebrate quite privately!

reindeerbitesback · 11/12/2016 17:10

My parents are divorced but I don't remember ever sending them cards for their anniversaries as a child (or seeing my 'grown up' siblings do it either).

I do, however, send a card and often a gift to my parents now on their wedding anniversaries that they share with their new partners. I don't know why. At first it was to reassure them that we liked them/liked that they were married/were supportive/etc, but I'm pretty sure they're all aware of that now (over 10 years later).

Carneddai · 11/12/2016 17:10

I don't send pil a card. But then again my mum hasn't been married since I was 9, so I don't know the etiquette.
Mil sends us a card though. Which I hate as we were married in secret to avoid such things. But dh told her about 6 months in and she insisted on buying us a cake, making us cut it for a picture and theowing confetti at us as we entered the room.

Alconleigh · 11/12/2016 17:10

I'm with you Elle. Anniversaries are for the couple to celebrate. To expect other people to care is odd. In fairness I don't think most people do. Although I do remember working with a (generally dreadful) woman who was giving out one day about how it was her first anniversary and how few cards they'd received from the attendees. And all I could think, from the point of view of someone who's attended tonnes of weddings in the last decade was "Hells teeth, these people spent their money and time travelling to and attending your wedding, buying you a gift and all the attendant costs, and now you want a sodding yearly offering to the precious day as well?!" ...so self absorbed.

Original poster

ElleMcElle · 11/12/2016 17:12

Oh Dear Carneddai - I shouldn't laugh, but I'm afraid I am! Obviously DETERMINED to get a wedding photo!

OP posts:

Alconleigh · 11/12/2016 17:12

To answer the specific question I don't send them to my parents either. My sister does but largely for the additional glory as I refuse

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