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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not send an anniversary card to my parents every year

79 replies

ElleMcElle · 11/12/2016 16:40

I made a fuss for my parents' Silver wedding anniversary and will do the same for Gold in a few years, but I don't send them an anniversary card every year. I have just discovered that my Mum thinks this is terrible and feels neglected by me. I think wedding anniversaries are a nice celebration for the couple, but nobody else's business. I do remember it and wish them happy anniversary when I speak to them on the phone near the time / ask them if they're going out to dinner etc. But no card.

My Mum does send us an anniversary card each year - but my DH and I have always found this a bit odd! I guess you do see 'To my parents on their Wedding Anniversary' cards in shops, so perhaps it isn't that unusual...

AIBU to say happy anniversary on the phone, but not send a card? And if U, how U?

OP posts:

melj1213 · 11/12/2016 17:13

Honestly, I'm 27 and I couldn't tell you my parents' wedding anniversary date without going to their house and checking the engraved wedding crystal in their china cabinet (or asking them, obviously), and I have never got them a card or present.

IDK if it's just because my dad works offshore and has done even before I was born, so it was hit and miss if he was even home for his anniversary some years, so their anniversary wasn't really a thing and was always low-key. If he was home, he'd buy flowers and they'd go out for dinner, if he was away he'd try and send flowers (depending on where he was in the world it might not be easy to call and order flowers or they might arrive a day or two either side of the actual date), and then they'd go out when he came home ... but then whenever my dad came home they'd go out to dinner/have a date night to catch up after being apart for 6 weeks anyway, anniversary or not.

Original poster

ElleMcElle · 11/12/2016 17:16

Thinking about it, cards are a bit of a THING with the women in my family (and I'm afraid it is just the women...). There's lots of quite passive aggressive talk about "I had a card from so-and-so for this" or "I didn't get a card off xyz for that". Hadn't really put it together before, but the point of the cards seems to be more about keeping score of who did / didn't send them than about the sentiment itself...

OP posts:

Jaxhog · 11/12/2016 17:17

YABU. Seems a small thing to do to make your Mum happy. Is it really so much bother for you?

Original poster

ElleMcElle · 11/12/2016 17:19

Jaxhog - Not at all. As I said earlier up the thread, if I'd known it was something she wanted, I would have been sending one every year - but it honestly never occurred to me to do it, as I assumed anniversaries were a private celebration for the couple.

OP posts:

Carneddai · 11/12/2016 17:19

Yes elle we didn't take any actual pics of when we did get married. That's how we wanted it. She hasn't missed out though as a few years beforehand she threw her dd a wedding and went completely all bells & whistles! Inviting people even sil didn't know. This was one of the reasons we did it in secret, and the fact that we'd been together 12yrs and had 2 kids so wasn't a big deal, which is why I feel the card is unnessesary.

nagynolonger · 11/12/2016 17:20

I don't expect my adult DC to send us anniversary cards.

They did arrange a surprise party for our Ruby Wedding which was lovely of them. It was fantastic that they got everyone together.

I would be a bit pissed off if they forgot family birthdays, but a wedding anniversary (apart from big ones) aren't important to wider family IMO.

I don't bother with cards for the DC's wedding anniversary after the first one. I have enough to remember with birthdays for 6 DC, the DGC and several others.

Original poster

ElleMcElle · 11/12/2016 17:22

Ironically, I was saying to my DH just recently that we should do something really special for their 50th anniversary - throw a party or take them to Paris or something. But now this card issue has come up, I worry it will look like I'm trying to make up for something rather than just trying to do something nice!

OP posts:

NerrSnerr · 11/12/2016 17:24

My MIL will always text my husband to remind him to send an anniversary card. We get a big one with long verse that says 'to a wonderful son and daughter in law' back from them.

FurryLittleTwerp · 11/12/2016 17:29

I sent something for "big" anniversaries with a proper name, so 25, 30, 40 & 50 years - card & a present that fitted with the "type" of anniversary the big lump of coral was my favourite

Otherwise I'd just mention it on the phone.

Goingtobeawesome · 11/12/2016 17:33

It would mean a lot to her. I'd send a card.

I send cards to everyone in dhs family - birthday, new home, anniversary, baby, Christmas. We got nothing back from his cousins but do get cards from his auntie and uncles. The children get nothing from the cousins but do from their Great aunties and uncles.

Muddlingthroughtoo · 11/12/2016 17:40

Yes, I always send my parents an anniversary card. It would never occur to me not to. I don't get the whole "it's personal to them" reason not to do it. It's just a way to show you care and celebrate another year of marriage with them.

Stripeyblanket · 11/12/2016 17:42

I don't send a card for friends/family anniversaries. It's supposed to be something remembered by the couple. I wouldn't be upset or expect my family to get us an anniversary card. As long as my DH remembered that's all that matters.

RachelRagged · 11/12/2016 17:45

Guilty of similar and for years thought it was a different date entirely . My excuse is "I wasn''t at the wedding so wouldn't always remember" plus my memory is sievelike .
Oddly enough its tomorrow and no card from me . They understand though unlike OPs parents it appears.

Jenijena · 11/12/2016 17:47

I've no idea how it started, but as children we use to buy presents for my parents anniversary. But then my mum, her sisters and her mum did so it was 'normal'.

I've ended that crap now, I don't care about (or even remember the date of) my anniversary, I'm not mucking about with any others now.

ILs always send us a super soppy card though. That's what reminds us it's our anniversary...

bonbonours · 11/12/2016 17:49

I do tend to send my parents one but then their wedding was almost exactly 30 years before ours so it springs to mind easily. My parents are the only people who send us one every year. I wouldn't send cards to anyone else for their anniversary tho.

MsRinky · 11/12/2016 17:51

Oh, I do always send my parents an anniversary card, and my husband always sends one to his parents too, even though in general we are not "card people". I think we both feel gratitude to our parents for showing us what good marriages look like, it plays a big part in having a happy marriage ourselves. I wouldn't send a card to other relatives or friends though.

Prawnofthepatriarchy · 11/12/2016 17:55

I always send my DPs a card on their wedding anniversary. I know they like it so I do it. It's only a card. If it means a lot why not do it?

AliTheMinx · 11/12/2016 17:56

I always send a card to my parents and also to couples of weddings where I have been a bridesmaid. We receive cards from both sets of parents too. I couldn't imagine not sending a card - especially if I knew it was important to someone x

thedogsvagina · 11/12/2016 17:59

no, no, no. absolutely not. But then I don't think my dad even knows when his anniversary is. It seems odd to be sending anniversary cards to parents that married years before you were born.

Misspilly88 · 11/12/2016 18:04

I have literally no idea when my parents anniversary is, not even the month. :s I'm obviously terrible!

restinginmyaccount · 11/12/2016 18:07

Your parents would like it. It costs you a couple of quid and a couple of minutes. Why not do it? Or suit yourself if it's that important to you.

SaltyBitch · 11/12/2016 18:07

I am completely on side with your method OP.

Big anniversaries, yep. But every year? No bloody way - its their anniversary, not mine.

SnorkelParka · 11/12/2016 18:13

I cringe when I get an anniversary card, and agree with PP that it is just for the couple to acknowledge.

restinginmyaccount · 11/12/2016 18:21

Another new MN rule that I wasn't aware : parents are needy attention grabbers for expecting an anniversary card from their kids. Ok, whatever floats your boat.

Nicknameofawesome · 11/12/2016 18:22

I mark a big anniversary but not every year. I'm in the finding it weird camp. I think it's a celebration for the couple not other people.

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