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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not send an anniversary card to my parents every year

79 replies

ElleMcElle · 11/12/2016 16:40

I made a fuss for my parents' Silver wedding anniversary and will do the same for Gold in a few years, but I don't send them an anniversary card every year. I have just discovered that my Mum thinks this is terrible and feels neglected by me. I think wedding anniversaries are a nice celebration for the couple, but nobody else's business. I do remember it and wish them happy anniversary when I speak to them on the phone near the time / ask them if they're going out to dinner etc. But no card.

My Mum does send us an anniversary card each year - but my DH and I have always found this a bit odd! I guess you do see 'To my parents on their Wedding Anniversary' cards in shops, so perhaps it isn't that unusual...

AIBU to say happy anniversary on the phone, but not send a card? And if U, how U?

OP posts:
SixthSenseless · 11/12/2016 18:23

If someone sends you a card, for any reason, any occasion, that's lovely.

But to get upset if someone outside your marriage doesn't send an annual anniversary card? People are very self absorbed and demanding.

Original poster
ElleMcElle · 11/12/2016 18:28

restinginmyaccount - Erm... No. My parents are neither needy nor attention-grabbing. Quite the opposite in fact. Not sure what it was in my posts that gave you that impression!

As mentioned further up the thread, I would have been sending them cards all along if I'd realised it was something they'd want. As this thread demonstrates, some people see a wedding anniversary as a private celebration for the couple, some see it as a celebration that includes the wider family a bit more. I don't think either view is necessarily right or wrong - it's just that I have only just discovered that my mother and I were coming at this from different angles.

Thanks for the bite, though. I'm off to put some TCP on it.

OP posts:
Original poster
ElleMcElle · 11/12/2016 18:34

I don't think they're self-absorbed, SixthSenseless - but I've been mulling on it since starting this thread, and I think my Mum and her sisters have a weird obsession with cards for every single occasion (and with who remembers to send them!). If I'd stopped to think about it before, I probably should have realised that she'd expect an anniversary card from me, even though my natural instinct is that it's a private celebration for the couple.

OP posts:
restinginmyaccount · 11/12/2016 18:42

Odd to think of parents as "the couple". My parents defied their families to get married. They were very low key people and didn't do melodrama. But only really horrible family members ignored their marriage

ItsRainingDeer · 11/12/2016 18:48

As children we always had to buy a present for them and send a card. I stopped on the year I called to wish them a happy anniversary and my father barked back, "is it? You've destroyed our marriage." and put the phone down on me. When I saw my mum the following day (when I got home for holidays) I offered her the card and present if she wanted it and she said she'd better not take it . Since then I have never mentioned their anniversary again, and I have no intention of ever doing so.

They send DH and me one every year and it feels weird and intrusive. DH has no idea when his parents were married as they view it as a celebration just for themselves. I sent a card to my friend on her first anniversary, I was her bridesmaid. Else I comment on faceboook if anyone mentions it!

FuzzyCustard · 11/12/2016 18:49

I don't do this, believing that wedding anniversaries are for the couple alone, but my DH and his family do. I find it a bit weird, but I suppose it's just a family difference.

PickAChew · 11/12/2016 18:50

This has reminded me that I forgot, this year! (It's been a funny few weeks)

SilentBatperson · 11/12/2016 18:53

I don't think they're self-absorbed, SixthSenseless - but I've been mulling on it since starting this thread, and I think my Mum and her sisters have a weird obsession with cards for every single occasion (and with who remembers to send them!).

That is surprisingly common. By any chance, do they expect the women in the family to take responsibility for this?

Original poster
ElleMcElle · 11/12/2016 18:56

Goodness me, restinginmyaccount - I know it's AIBU, but that's a bit harsh, isn't it? "Ignoring their marriage?" "Really horrible?"

I'm not ignoring their marriage - I love them and I'm very proud of their 47 years of marriage. I wish them happy anniversary on the phone and I make a big deal of the Milestones. I just don't send them a card every year because I think it's a happy event for THEM and I don't need to insert myself into it! It's not a deliberate act of ignoring them - as I've made clear several times, I didn't even realise it was something my mother would like until very recently.

OP posts:
Original poster
ElleMcElle · 11/12/2016 18:58

SilentBatperson - Oh yes, there has never been any mention of Uncles / Nephews sending or not sending cards. Always the Sisters / Wives / Nieces / Daughters. I think it's seen as a Womanly Duty. And I tend to run kicking and screaming from Womanly Duties!

OP posts:
restinginmyaccount · 11/12/2016 19:01

Are Christmas cards weird too? Probably save me a load of effort if I discovered on MN that sending them is weird.

SilentBatperson · 11/12/2016 19:04

They're not weird resting, but they are dying out. There are a number of threads on this, there's one in chat at the moment about how many cards people have got.

Can't say as I'm surprised OP! Massive double standards about this type of thing in so many families.

restinginmyaccount · 11/12/2016 19:05

Mind you, I only ever send cards to my side ; dh does his side. Apparently sending cards is a womanly duty and a sign of male oppression . Not in our house.

restinginmyaccount · 11/12/2016 19:07

Doesn't anybody on this thread know anyone over 60? Do you just not bother with older people because they are too much effort.

RebelandaStunner · 11/12/2016 19:14

I couldn't give a toss if I never received another card ever again for whatever occasion.
In our family my dmum is like a card mafioso. You have to buy one with a verse, the perfect picture, the number of years of birthday or marriage, the person ie Mum, Dad, brother etc. She even buys those number stickers to make the card 'right'.
Ridiculous pressure. I am grateful that Mil is not at all needy regarding cards.
I tell my dc I'm not to bother with cards for us.

newbiz · 11/12/2016 19:16

This is a real bugbear of mine. My parents make a massive big deal of anniversaries, they expect a card and present and I've been reprimanded by my dad in the past for not phoning early enough in the day to wish them happy anniversary. They always want to know what we are doing to celebrate and arrive with a card and present and have frequently told me off for not knowing siblings anniversaries. Personally I agree, it's private for the couple and unnecessary for everyone else so I'm pleased to see I'm not alone

AndNoneForGretchenWieners · 11/12/2016 19:21

We buy cards and gifts for my parents every year, and they buy us cards and gifts on our anniversary. As does my nan.

Original poster
ElleMcElle · 11/12/2016 19:23

Yeesh RebelandaStunner - That is HARDCORE! Good luck keeping up with that!

People seem to have wildly different expectations with cards. Eg - I can't stand cards with v specific messages on the front ("To my Wonderful Sister In Law on her 30th Birthday!"... "Congratulations on your Graduation, Cousin!") whereas other people seem to love that stuff. To me, a card once a year on your birthday with a thoughtful handwritten message means so much more than a card for every bloody event in the calendar with no more than "To X, love X" written next to the pre-printed slushy verse inside.

OP posts:
restinginmyaccount · 11/12/2016 19:30

Op, I agree that the slushy verses are thoughtless bollocks. Which is why I always send cards suit a handwritten message. A personal note to parents or siblings to let them know that I remember that day too. And that I love them. Nothing more. No big deal but just to let them know I noticed too. Better than a "like " on FB or similar.

allowlsthinkalot · 11/12/2016 19:31

I have never in my life sent an anniversary card to anyone other than dh. But dh's family do this. They send presents and cards for anniversaries. Yet don't care if they remember each other's birthdays.

So obviously families prioritise different occasions.

SilentBatperson · 11/12/2016 19:35

Why would you think none of us know any over 60s resting? Some of us have relationships with the older people in our lives that don't revolve around bits of card. Shocking I know!

And nice to hear that there's nothing gendered about card sending in your family, but that doesn't erase all those for whom it's expected of the woman. Or the paucity of families where the opposite is true- one hears of families where the woman's only expected to do her side and the man his, but never one where it's assumed he'll be responsible for both sides. Funny that!

Glastonbury · 11/12/2016 19:36

I have always sent my parents an anniversary card from about the age of 11. We do presents on big anniversaries.

They always send us a card for ours.

restinginmyaccount · 11/12/2016 19:55

Maybe none of you have ever seen how happy a bunch of cards make someone who is elderly and lonely. Or even elderly and lives a happy life full of friends and family.
This whole concept of "people don't really bother now" doesn't apply to older relatives, friends and neighbours. Older people don't think cards are weird, they think they are [pauses to say non-MN word] .. nice.

PrettySophisticated · 11/12/2016 20:01

Cards are really important to my mum. She's completely undemanding in other ways so I send her good ones for all occasions, even though I barely bother for anyone else.

wwyd123 · 11/12/2016 20:01

It's not much effort to send a card and if it would make your mum happy, why wouldn't you? It doesn't really matter what other people do.

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