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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be offended by SiL's suggestion

110 replies

ChocolateDevil · 10/12/2016 14:56

My DH has rather a large family, but until this year there have been no children. Without going into detail the difference in earnings between Dh, I and one of his siblings is quite dramatic, they earn a substantial amount more than we do a year. Having said this the family are all aware of how sensible with money we are, we do not have any credit cards and have never taken out loans, we also have worked hard to save a nice but relatively small sum of money over the years. The other day the wife of said sibling suggested we limit spending on each other's children to no more than £15. I was stunned and a little annoyed that they want to limit what they spend on Dd to what we 'might' spend on their Dd. I don't expect them to go out and spend an absolute fortune on my child but I can't believe that they aren't prepared to put in a little bit of effort for their only niece. It's not the first time they have been slightly cagey about money and my Dh has suggested that maybe they are terrible at managing finances and are spending faster than they are earning, still he's just as peeved as I am at the mere suggestion of it. Am I being ungrateful?

OP posts:
SuperRainbows · 10/12/2016 16:38

Is this real?

dingdongthewitchishere · 10/12/2016 16:39

Just in case this is not a reverse, YABVU Xmas Biscuit

Dagnabit · 10/12/2016 16:40

OP...OP...op....op....

Definitely legged it....

londonrach · 10/12/2016 16:41

Yabu £15 is alot! You do seem abit nasty with your comment to dh about not managing their finances.

ElfontheShelfIsWATCHINGYOUTOO · 10/12/2016 16:41

No not unanimous yet Grin hold horses.

Op I am not clear from you who has dc or not? Does this sibling have dc?

Many posters on this thread have said their siblings but their dc very little however there must be generous aunts and uncles out there because many a time on a thread I have seen posters say " we get d very little because we have generous family who spoil them" .

I also don't understand why if you mention the other sides earning it suddenly casts you as envious. I would rather say - it means - I earn 100 and can afford to give a little more generously without going into debt than sibling who earns 100,000 and spends £2 on us.

CotswoldStrife · 10/12/2016 16:42

YABU, did you want to spend more than that on your niece on your DH's side or is she not your only niece?

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 10/12/2016 16:42

YABVU and quite grabby.

What they earn and do with it, is none of your business.

trulybadlydeeply · 10/12/2016 16:47

Hold on, can I just make sure I have understood this? You feel that they should spend far more on your DD than you do on their DD, because they earn more money? Or have I got that wrong? To me, it sounds like an extremely sensible suggestion.

If I am right, then YABU. They can buy your DD a very nice gift for £15, and vice versa. I assume both DC are babies, as there weren't any children in the family last year, so how much would a baby want/need? You know that your DD will either largely ignore most gifts/play with them for 5 minutes/much prefer the wrapping paper and packaging, don't you?

It sounds like you have been very sensible with money, and can provide your DD with all her basic needs, plus a few toys and treats as well. What else does a baby need?

It's said often but Christmas is not about gifts, or the size of them. Whatever your religious beliefs it's a time to reflect, be grateful, and spend it with your loved ones, if you are lucky enough to have some.

EverySongbirdSays · 10/12/2016 16:48

So you were hoping for large, expensive gifts from your in laws then?

I cringe a bit for you.

Obviously, to receive would be lovely but to EXPECT is something else

I also thought this :

I would think they know your income and didn't want to pressurise you into spending too much on their child if they bought an expensive present for yours.

but you seem to want to take offence either way.

HoopsandEverything · 10/12/2016 17:05

Why should they spend more money on your child that they could spend on their own?

You also only say "one of his siblings" is minted - perhaps they've done this to ensure fairness across the entire family and are thinking of people other than yourselves.

"A little bit of effort on their only niece" - they could paint a stunning bedroom mural, for under 15 quid, which would take a huge amount of effort.

Get real OP.

JosephineMaynard · 10/12/2016 17:12

I would interpret this as them not wanting you to feel pressured into spending more than you can afford on their DC (this could easily be an unintended consequence if you were to spend £15 on their DCs present and then they spent £50 + on your DCs present), or wanting to avoid you feeling embarrassed at having given a less expensive present.

Unless they've got a history of being tight with money I wouldn't assume it's anything at all to do with that.

ShipwreckedAndComatose · 10/12/2016 17:12

Reverse. Has to be.

No one comes on posting this bollocks and means it.

EvansOvalPies · 10/12/2016 17:21

YABVU - you sound just like my SiL.

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 10/12/2016 17:25

Is this a reverse or are you just grabby as fuck?

If you had that attitude to me, I wouldn't buy your DD anything.....

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 10/12/2016 17:26

And you realise their financial situation is fuck all to do with you, right?

WyfOfBathe · 10/12/2016 17:27

YABU.

I wouldn't spend more than £10-15 on a family member's child, because we have so many nieces, nephews, younger cousins, etc.

You say that they aren't prepared to put in a little bit of effort for their only niece but money really does not equal effort. I spent ages finding a gift for my nephews, and in the end I spent about £15 between the 2 siblings, but it's on a game which I know they'll both love.

IfartInYourGeneralDirection · 10/12/2016 17:33

Money, money, money.
Let's hope your dd grows up less greedy

WhataHexIgotinto · 10/12/2016 17:40

I think your SIL is being very thoughtful actually.

TheGruffaloMother · 10/12/2016 17:43

Why are your savings even mentioned here? Or your lack of loans and credit cards?

And why haven't you come back?

Miserylovescompany2 · 10/12/2016 17:48

£15 is more than enough to spend on a gift for a relative. If you wish your child to have extravagant gifts, then buy them yourself. The End :)

TwitterQueen1 · 10/12/2016 17:56

OP - yes you! if you are still around...

Has it occurred to you that maybe your SIL, sensitive to your lack of billions, may have actually suggested a sensible amount in order to prevent any kind of "how much should I spend...?" angst.

FWIW you are being massively U. And IME this kind of budgeting is not only commonplace amongst families but is also incredibly helpful.

MyWineTime · 10/12/2016 18:07

This must be a reverse Biscuit
And a particularly bad one

AntiqueSinger · 10/12/2016 18:08

Well it could be they are trying to take the pressure off spending for you.

But if it's not because of this, then I'm going to go against the grain here, and say you are not unreasonable, because the spirit of xmas should not be about 'you can only spend £15 on my DD, so I will only spend £15 on yours.' The reverse of this is feeling like you have to buy a really expensive present for someone else's dd, because they brought your DD a really expensive present last year. That's also totally against the xmas spirit too IMO,. You don't give to get, but you don't with hold because you can't get better either.

This is on the assumption that the motives are other than being gracious and more about being tit-for-tat.

DailyFail1 · 11/12/2016 00:55

You think £15 is ok to spend on their child, but you want them to spend more on yours as they earn more? Bonkers.

kimann · 11/12/2016 01:04

Yikes. Errrrr Confused I think yabu. £15 is quite enough to spend on a young childs gift. I would be more than happy with that. #whateverhappenedtoitsthethoughtthatcounts Xmas Wink

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