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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be offended by SiL's suggestion

110 replies

ChocolateDevil · 10/12/2016 14:56

My DH has rather a large family, but until this year there have been no children. Without going into detail the difference in earnings between Dh, I and one of his siblings is quite dramatic, they earn a substantial amount more than we do a year. Having said this the family are all aware of how sensible with money we are, we do not have any credit cards and have never taken out loans, we also have worked hard to save a nice but relatively small sum of money over the years. The other day the wife of said sibling suggested we limit spending on each other's children to no more than £15. I was stunned and a little annoyed that they want to limit what they spend on Dd to what we 'might' spend on their Dd. I don't expect them to go out and spend an absolute fortune on my child but I can't believe that they aren't prepared to put in a little bit of effort for their only niece. It's not the first time they have been slightly cagey about money and my Dh has suggested that maybe they are terrible at managing finances and are spending faster than they are earning, still he's just as peeved as I am at the mere suggestion of it. Am I being ungrateful?

OP posts:
CantSleepClownsWillEatMe · 10/12/2016 15:14

I'm not sure I've understood this really. Are you suggesting £15 for their child's gift from you would be ok but they should spend more on yours because they're financially better off? If so YABU!

AnnetteKertan · 10/12/2016 15:15

So you're annoyed because they don't want to spend more than £15 on your child? Presumably you are/have spent more than £15 on their child, or do they need to spend more because they earn more??

One of my siblings expects more expensive presents off DP and I because we earn more than them but it's tough. Just because we earn(ed) more it doesn't necessarily mean we have more disposable income. It's tough, I have a lot of nieces/nephews (4 more.due next year!!) and our budget is £10 each.

LivingInMidnight · 10/12/2016 15:16

This is definitely a reverse Hmm

ComputerUserNumptyTwit · 10/12/2016 15:17

feel embarrassed if they spend a lot more on your child than you on theirs. Xmas Hmm ffs! Xmas Angry

honeysucklejasmine · 10/12/2016 15:18

We do £10 per child.

Temporaryname137 · 10/12/2016 15:19

Ha, what would the entitled emoji look like? a tiny little mulberry handbag, maybe?

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 10/12/2016 15:20

Depends why you're offended.

See, I would have considered that it was possibly a gesture to say to you, obliquely, that they weren't expecting you to spend much on their child - limiting the amount so you wouldn't spend more than you might be able to afford - rather than them being tight.

But of course they might just be being tight

What would you have preferred? To have bought their DC a present costing about £15 and they hand over something worth about £50? that would upset me more - worrying that my present looked "cheap" in comparison with theirs.

YABU - your SIL has actually done you a bit of a favour and you're choosing to be offended that they don't want to spend out on your child just because they have more money than you. If that's what is offending you then yes, you are being entitled.

woowoowoo · 10/12/2016 15:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

pictish · 10/12/2016 15:22

Umm...maybe they didn't want you to feel like you had to spend more than you can really afford on their child so they set it at a doable limit? That's not outwith the realms of possibility is it?

Your notion that they should be willing to spend more than you because they can afford it more easily is a bit crass.

Meemolly · 10/12/2016 15:26

Crikey, really?? Do you even need to ask. Yes, in my opinion YABU. Your post also makes me feel a bit sad. Have a merry Christmas.

EllaHen · 10/12/2016 15:28

It reads to me like your SIL was being nice. It is a sensible suggestion.

Anything to reduce the cost of Christmas is fine in my eyes. Well done your SIL!

There should be more of it quite frankly.

Wait a minute. 100% YABU usually means reverse, doesn't it?

SundayGirl86 · 10/12/2016 15:28

Sounds very sensible - our limit is £10 Xmas Grin

FoxesSitOnBoxes · 10/12/2016 15:31

Ha! You usually spend about £15 but are getting cross because now they want to spend that on your child? Ridiculously precious

ItShouldHaveBeenJingleJess · 10/12/2016 15:34

I also suspect a reverse, but in any case until this year, there have been no children suggests these are small babies, who are really not of an age to understand or appreciate Christmas anyway! £15 is plenty for a tiny one - in fact it's plenty for an older child too.

Crunchymum · 10/12/2016 15:34

So both these babies weren't born last Xmas?

pictish · 10/12/2016 15:34

Or maybe they have more finacial/cashflow problems that you know about?

Whatever it's all about, you and your dh are silly and petty to get annoyed by it. It sounds like a good plan to me. Cheers sil!

ALittleMop · 10/12/2016 15:34

So, er yours is the only child, a baby?
And all of the aunts and uncles are going to buy her a £15 present?
How much do you spend on them?
YABU, wildly, and a little grasping. Relative income is irrelevant.

PaulAnkaTheDog · 10/12/2016 15:36

Haha! So grabby!

SirNiallDementia · 10/12/2016 15:37

YABU

I think £15 is plenty to buy a nice present and I'm fed up of people spending ridiculous amounts on stuff regardless of how much they earn.

Although many of our family are high earners we also set a limit on what we spend.

kiki22 · 10/12/2016 15:37

I'm the poorer relative I would be so relived to have a budget agreed like this I have spent £20 on my sons cousin they have spent £70 on my son I will feel embarrassed like I do every year with the difference I would rather they spend less its awful being the one giving less Sad

cheekyfunkymonkey · 10/12/2016 15:37

Yes sorry, YABU. Personally I think it's a bit crass to be specifying amounts but £15 is reasonable, not quite sure what your point is?

PaperdollCartoon · 10/12/2016 15:38

YABU - and if it's a big family where many more children may appear over time, a £15 limit seems very sensible for all involved.

skyyequake · 10/12/2016 15:40

I can see how you might be offended but it depends on the tone that your SIL suggested it so I'm going to give two answers:

IF your SIL meant it to mean "how about we limit to £15 for each others kids so that they both get an equal present from their uncle/aunt" then YABU

However, IF she meant it as "let's limit it to £15 as I'm sure that's all you can afford" and sneered down her nose at you then YANBU but you might as well just shrug and get on with life.

Doublemint · 10/12/2016 15:40

YABU.

There have been so many threads where people have called reverse- this is the first time I'm hoping it really is!

witsender · 10/12/2016 15:41

Er, yes, yabu. Having a set amount is far easier, they don't owe you more/bigger presents because they earn more. You respective savings etc are irrelevant. I presume you mention them because you are prudent with money they should splash out to compensate?

There is a wide range of incomes between families here due to the age range, we spend £15 per child across the board.

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