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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

This is how I want to live in my retirement/if I found myself alone - AIBU?

139 replies

PacificDogwod · 09/12/2016 16:27

They were in the news this morning

I had never heard of this group and know nothing about them specifically.

But surely the idea of living in larger groups while your privacy is also maintained, but with support of others around you is the way forward?
I do NOT expect nor want my DCs to care for me - if they want to be in contact with me, great, but I know I cannot make them and I would not wish them to feel obliged (I've seen my mother almost finished off by caring for my demented grandmother who lived to 101 Shock).

It's the idea of community that appeals.
That, and no men Grin - they just complicate things!

What are your thoughts?

OP posts:
SpookyPotato · 09/12/2016 20:16

It's a lovely idea, I'm sure many people would love the community feel and not being so isolated. I like my own space but live with DP, I probably will feel lonely if he dies first. I have a friend who has moved to a shared building for disabled people and she was dreading the social side of it as she likes her own space.. But there's no pressure and she now actually really enjoys the coffee mornings etc.
I would want to live in a mixed one though.

ovenchips · 09/12/2016 20:21

I think the idea is very appealing if I were on my own, no dependants etc.

The thing I'd be afraid of though, is given the relatively small number of flats (25?) if there were a couple of really difficult/ unreasonable people it would be very easy for them to 'poison' the set up. 1-2 nightmares out of 24 others would be a fairly high ratio - high enough to really feel it.

Whilst I imagine there is some sort of vetting I think it would be nigh on impossible to suss out until too late.

Think I would prefer a larger set up - easier to avoid certain others and find my tribe.

Then again, maybe I'm just a grumpy, intolerant get.

BuntyFigglesworthSpiffington · 09/12/2016 20:27

I can imagine it being a bit like Black Narcissus. There'd be a hot maintenance gentleman on site and the residents would be so inflamed with passion for him that they'd start bumping one another off in an effort to get him all to themselves.

BuntyFigglesworthSpiffington · 09/12/2016 20:29

And I can see the late Barbara Vine setting one of her psychological thrillers in this kind of environment.

That aside it does sound like a good way to live in the twilight years.

Not as good as the Golden Girls' Miami bungalow of course!

PinkSparklyPussyCat · 09/12/2016 20:34

It sounds awful! The picture of everyone in the common room looks like my idea of hell but I am an antisocial git!

ChickenVindaloo2 · 09/12/2016 20:34

I'd rather die.
When I retire, I will be glad never to have to speak to humans ever again.

Original poster
PacificDogwod · 09/12/2016 20:36

Yes, I love Thedogsvagina's idea too - but travelling in a camper van with yer dog is a lot less attractive if/when mobility reduces or health requires more access to reliable health care.

There is a vigorous vetting process - I read the 'how to become a member' bit on their website: one of the criteria is that your have similar values as the group, interviews, having a 'buddy' before being accepted etc etc.
It is my understanding that this group has been working towards this since 1998 (although only one of the original founders is moving in Sad) and I suspect know each other well. And presumably like each other.

Yy to hot caretaker and Barbara Vine plot line though Grin

OP posts:
Original poster
PacificDogwod · 09/12/2016 20:38

I suppose what I find encouraging is that there are people who are actively embracing the idea of community and helping each other out, rather than all siting in their one bedroom flats, not talking to their neighbour and slowly becoming more and more isolated from life around them.

For all self-confessed anti-social gits Thanks, there's plenty of one bedroom flats out there - I think DH will move in to one of them, when I move to the convent/commune Grin

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WhenSheWasBadSheWasHorrid · 09/12/2016 20:40

It looks great, although I would prefer men there too.

I've always liked the idea of retirement flats. The community feel here sounds wonderful.

IThinkIMadeYouUpInsideMyHead · 09/12/2016 21:17

I haven't RTFT, but I have a friend who is a Catholic nun. This is basically her life. At 67, she is one of the youngest in her order, many of whom live into their 90s and beyond. She is the happiest person I know. She holds 2 degrees, has a full time job, is chair of the board of a number of charities and is active both mentally and physically.

Any unmarried woman can become a nun, even widows. Just putting that out there...

Original poster
PacificDogwod · 09/12/2016 21:21

Any unmarried woman can become a nun, even widows

Yes, but I gather being Catholic AND believing in god is also required Wink

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SukeyTakeItOffAgain · 09/12/2016 21:23

I was going to say...can you have atheist nuns? :o

YelloDraw · 09/12/2016 21:37

I think it's a great idea, for those people it would suit. Obviously that isn't everyone.

My mum would be a dream in this kind of a set up. She is a do-er, a taking part and joining in kind of person. She loves social interaction. This is right up her street!

MsAwesomeDragon · 09/12/2016 22:38

I can put on the act of a good catholic, I had many years of practice growing up, but as an atheist (my parents call me a 'lapsed catholic') all the prayer involved in being a nun puts me off. That life without the prayer is much more appealing.

Shiningexample · 09/12/2016 22:49

all the prayer involved in being a nun puts me off. That life without the prayer is much more appealing

hehe, surely prayer is the whole point of being a nun, what you're saying (surely) is that being a nun puts you off of being a nun :o
you fancy a life of religious devotion....only without the religious devotion!

Original poster
PacificDogwod · 09/12/2016 22:56

what you're saying (surely) is that being a nun puts you off of being a nun you fancy a life of religious devotion....only without the religious devotion!

Yes!
Like, oh, I dunno, a bunch of like-minded women living together Grin

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IThinkIMadeYouUpInsideMyHead · 09/12/2016 23:38

While I can't account for her every move, my nun's life seems to involve very little prayer, she doesn't wear a habit or veil, and even Mother Teresa seemed to have her doubts about the whole God thing. I'm not sure how they'd make you prove it, in any case!

I imagine being a nun is very like being a soldier. You work hard and do what you're told in exchange for community living and job security. Grin

S1lentAllTheseYears · 10/12/2016 00:20

It sounds awful! The picture of everyone in the common room looks like my idea of hell but I am an antisocial git!

Same!

I always liked the look of my Gran's sheltered flat though, and plan to move into one if I am on my own and getting older (a fair bit older than 50 I would think!) I have no intention of rattling around a house and would feel safer knowing there were people around. I wouldn't fancy the community stuff and certainly wouldn't want to get roped into helping with the Christmas party or whatever but, who knows, I might change my mind when I don't have so many other responsibilities - might welcome something to do with my time!

BackforGood · 10/12/2016 00:42

A few of these Extracare Retirement Villages setting up around here. Most local one has been open just over a year, and I know quite a lot of people who live there, and it's just ideal - own spacious flat if you want to keep yourself to yourself, but all sorts of things going on if you want to join in, and facilities 'on tap' if you choose to use them.

It's expensive (especially the buy back clauses), but if you aren't too worried about not leaving your dc a big inheritance, then a wonderful place to live. Strikes me it does everything this organisation does.
It's just the cost, and the management responsibilities that differ, that and the rather odd fact that it's only for women. I can see problems with the fact it is a co-operative, literally, when someone (or some people) become less co-operative.

MissMargie · 10/12/2016 06:47

Interesting. I would love to share with women when I am old and on my own but I would def want to choose the women.

I would prefer somewhere a bit more regimented with a matron or caretaker sort of thing. Imagine if you fell out with the Queen Bee, everyone ostracizing you, it could be awful!
Maybe I'm just a pessimist.

Spring2016 · 10/12/2016 06:55

Wellll.....at my FIL's retirement community, it is almost ALL women anyways.

JigglyTuff · 10/12/2016 10:42

Some of the women who started this are friends of friends. I think it sounds fab - so peaceful :)

I don't understand this 'Queen Bee' thing that a couple of people have mentioned - the only place I've ever encountered this is on MN. It sounds like something invented by teenage magazines

MissMargie · 10/12/2016 11:30

It probably is a very good idea that the older members of society look after their elderly neighbours.
I mentioned Queen Bee, I worked in a mainly female environment. Queen Bee maybe isn't the correct word but there was def some talking behind people's backs and blanking if someone's nose was out of joint for some reason (everyone believed they were put upon so happened quite a lot -NHS)

scaryteacher · 10/12/2016 12:44

Since when was 50 old? Hells bells, that's me written off then!

Original poster
PacificDogwod · 10/12/2016 13:30

scary, as I've said upthread, I'm 50 and I don't consider myself to be within their target market, however I know plenty of 'old' 50 year olds.

I think a lot of it depends on a. personality and b. personal circumstances whether co-housing at any point in life appeals.
I can really see it having huge benefits for somebody who is alone, has no family, is not terribly unwell (so not requiring nursing care) and how likes company/being part of something.

Halls at university is still the closest comparison I can think of - can be heaven or hell.
'Queen Bee' problem is only a problem is there is a queen bee and if one feels the need to be competing with her IME.

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