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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

This is how I want to live in my retirement/if I found myself alone - AIBU?

139 replies

PacificDogwod · 09/12/2016 16:27

They were in the news this morning

I had never heard of this group and know nothing about them specifically.

But surely the idea of living in larger groups while your privacy is also maintained, but with support of others around you is the way forward?
I do NOT expect nor want my DCs to care for me - if they want to be in contact with me, great, but I know I cannot make them and I would not wish them to feel obliged (I've seen my mother almost finished off by caring for my demented grandmother who lived to 101 Shock).

It's the idea of community that appeals.
That, and no men Grin - they just complicate things!

What are your thoughts?

OP posts:
museumum · 09/12/2016 19:30

There are quite a few apartment blocks near me with an over 50s rule on buying them and a high service charge as there's a warden.

hippyhippyshake · 09/12/2016 19:30

Oh YES! I can see myself there already. WineBrewCake

Interesting thought though on how they will decide on who's a woman and who's not.

pigsDOfly · 09/12/2016 19:31

I saw this on the news last night and whilst the women they spoke to were very inspiring and spirited I think you have to be a particular type of person to live like that.

I'm retired, live alone, with my dog, and I was trying to imagine how I'd feel at the prospect of giving up my house to live in close proximity to a lot of other women; it's not for me. It's got nothing to do with it just being for women. I just wouldn't want to live life in a community like that.

Yes, they may manage it all themselves - I own and manage my home too - but I still can't see why it's so different from living in a good retirement home, or as a pp said a block of flats where the residents manage the freehold.

GettingitwrongHauntingatnight · 09/12/2016 19:37

I like my owncompany too much. The shared laundry sounds hard. Plus 50 is too young to be thinking as yourself as elderly.... You could be living there fir 40 years.

SprogletsMum · 09/12/2016 19:41

This is exactly the sort of place I intend to live in when I'm older. I know far too many older people struggling to maintain homes that are too big and expensive to heat and increasingly difficult for them to get around in and they get more and more isolated just to hold onto the "family home". Sod that!
It's something I've discussed a lot with my friends, if only we had the money wed set something like this up for mums with children. Living together, sharing boring chores like cleaning and cooking and helping with childcare. Obviously it is a better idea on paper because it'd never work out as idyllic as it sounds but it's a nice fantasy.

ALittleMop · 09/12/2016 19:43

This is a nice link to more info about co-housing, and why it is different to a retirement home:

What is co-housing?

There is a brilliant project like this in Leeds - LiLAC - but they are all sorts of households gathered around the idea of sustainable living

I can fully get why it is some people's idea of hell. But I would love it.

whitehandledkitchenknife · 09/12/2016 19:43

I love the idea pacific. I've also fantasised about running away to a nunnery! Love the communal aspect and a front door to shut on the world when you don't feel sociable.

SukeyTakeItOffAgain · 09/12/2016 19:45

I saw this on the news last night and thought that it looked like a great idea. It's run by the women themselves rather than it being an old folks' home. It was introduced on the news as an item about loneliness in old age, and by doing that the thinking is that you can sometimes bypass or postpone some of the physical problems and ill health old age brings. Social and mental stimulation are really important for the elderly, of course. I'm not sure what would happen if one of the residents got significantly frail and ill though.

As for it being women only, why shouldn't it be? Men would be welcome to set up a men only commune. I imagine many women at that stage of their lives have spent a lot of time seeing to the needs of men, and fancy doing something for themselves. And many women in their 70s, 80s and 90s have been widowed.

I lived in a female Hall of Residence my first year at university and loved it. Maybe I'll put my name down ( not Barnet though!)

Shiningexample · 09/12/2016 19:48

Shock at the idea of an over 50 needing a warden, I'm over 50, surely I've got another 50 years before I'll need a warden:o

it does sound a bit too communal for my liking, I love my solitude, then again I may change when I get to 80 or so, or I may get worse, go live in the forest and morph into a tree

SoupDragon · 09/12/2016 19:49

Men would be welcome to set up a men only commune.

And many women would complain.

SoupDragon · 09/12/2016 19:52

I'm amazed at the number of women so horrified at the thought of living with other women...

I'm amazed at the number of women so horrified at the thought of living with men.

I find the idea of excluding a chunk of the population on the basis of them having a penis rather odd. Fuck all to do with the guff about a "hive mind"

Shiningexample · 09/12/2016 19:53

I imagine many women at that stage of their lives have spent a lot of time seeing to the needs of men, and fancy doing something for themselves
I see your point but I have no problem whatso ever making sure I dont spend any time seeing to the needs of men, I dont need to live in an all female community to do that, I just make sure that other people men or women dont take advantage of me.

In any community there can be people of either gender who take the piss, dont pull their weight and try to manipulate others into doing the donkey work.

RortyCrankle · 09/12/2016 19:57

It's not for me - I'm single but don't want to live in a female only enclave - why exclude 50% of the population? I notice they don't give prices for living there - I'm guessing it's not cheap.

thedogsvagina · 09/12/2016 19:58

I agree that 50 is too young. Wouldn't be my thing either. I have no idea who my neighbours are and am glad of it. I guess I'm just too grumpy and antisocial for this kind of thing.

Personally I plan to buy a campervan and travel with the dog around the cost of Italy and Greece, stopping off at a different location every week, eating local foods and drinking lots of wine before moving on. That's my idea of retirement bliss.

MsAwesomeDragon · 09/12/2016 20:02

I've always said I fancy communal living if I ever find myself on my own. I spent 6 months living in a convent on a gap year when I was 18 (I was doing voluntary work, not just living in a convent) and it was fabulous.

Both my dd's know that I'll be finding a group of women at a similar stage of life as me to live with once they've left home and dh has died (I'm hoping that's quite some time away, but you never know)

SukeyTakeItOffAgain · 09/12/2016 20:03

But that's you Shining, here and now in 2016. A women in her 80s would have lived her 20s in the 50s when male expectations were very different and many older men still have those expectations of women. (Obviously I don't know your age though!)

If these women want to have a women's commune, what's the problem? Other people can set up a mixed commune, if they want to complain about there not being mixed communes.

SukeyTakeItOffAgain · 09/12/2016 20:04

OK you just said you were 50. Sorry Blush

Original poster
PacificDogwod · 09/12/2016 20:08

I dunno if that many women would complain if men set up an Older Men Co-Housing project. And if they had to plan and build for 18 years until they arrive at the point of moving in, I'd say good luck to them.

I think this is a brilliant, as of yet somewhat 'alternative' idea for how to provide for your older age. I am NOT saying this is the ONLY positive idea on how to lead you life.

Fwiw, I am 'just' 50, I am a 6 year old, it will be decades the way things are going before I'll be able to retire, so I am not quite in the market for this just yet, but I totally see the attraction.

OP posts:
Original poster
PacificDogwod · 09/12/2016 20:11

In my line of work (medicine) I see 'old' 50 year olds and 'young' 80 year olds.
And I agree with whoever said that maybe more active participation in all aspects of life in our older years may actually help to maintain independence a bit longer. Use it or lose it, kind of thing (I know it's not quite as simple as that, but there is something to it).

Oh, and I 'am' NOT a 6 year old, I have a 6 year old. FFS. Maybe I also have more cognitive decline than I am aware of. That would explain a lot...

OP posts:
RebelandaStunner · 09/12/2016 20:11

No thanks. I'm not the sort of person who could live in a place that has policies.
No men! Forget that and a million rules about pets.... Definitely not for me. There'd be self appointed leaders and organisers Hmm
Sounds like boarding school for grown up women. Pretty sure I'd get expelled pretty quickly.

Violetcharlotte · 09/12/2016 20:12

I saw this too on breakfast news. Sounds ideal!

Shiningexample · 09/12/2016 20:12

A women in her 80s would have lived her 20s in the 50s when male expectations were very different and many older men still have those expectations of women
very true Sukey!
and yes lots of men my age do have those expectations
(not that it cuts any ice with me :o)

Doobigetta · 09/12/2016 20:13

This sounds ace, I might do it when my OH pops it.

RebelandaStunner · 09/12/2016 20:15

Thedogsvagina your plan is much more my cup of tea.

DurhamDurham · 09/12/2016 20:16

But what happens to male children who grow up there, are they made to leave when they reach adulthood?