Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

MIL and daughter's hat.

1003 replies

doomf · 08/12/2016 10:14

My MIL looks after my DD one day a week (Tuesday) and her other grand daughter one day a week (Wednesday).

I bought my daughter a lovely hat last year to go with a coat she had. The hat went missing at the end of last winter and I'd searched high and low for it it to no avail. Is asked MIL if she'd seen it and she swore blind she hadn't (I was pretty sure the last time she'd worn it was to her house). A few weeks ago I lamented to MIL that it was a shame id never found the hat as it would still have fit my DD this winter and she agreed.

Yesterday afternoon I'd taken a day off work and had gone into town with my DD only to run into my MIL and her other grand daughter...wearing the bloody hat!!!

AIBU to think that you just don't do that?!

OP posts:
Thread gallery
11
PrivatePike · 08/12/2016 12:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BeautyGoesToBenidorm · 08/12/2016 12:28

I wondered if she favours the other DGD too.

I don't think you were wrong for calling her out on it. It'd get my hackles up too - it's not the hat itself, it's the principle.

dingdongthewitchishere · 08/12/2016 12:37

bumsexatthebingo

bit harsh, in-law are free to refuse to do any babysitting and to see their grand-children if they don't want to. One day a week with a child is no real hardship, is it? If they think it is, just say "no".
let them enjoy spending time with their gc at their own convenience unfortunately, it sounds like the parents are working, so they are unable to visit at random time...

HeadElf · 08/12/2016 12:38

I really do want to see a photo of the hat.

heartskey · 08/12/2016 12:39

There are a lot of grandmothers out there who would dearly love to mind their grandchild for the day and don't get given the chance. Why does it have to be seen as a "chore" and that the op should be grateful she gets a day of free childcare. When mine were little my Mil would go into a huff if she didn't get equal time with dgc as my mum did. It was never seen as a chore, more as a pleasure.

JennyPocket · 08/12/2016 12:40

I think you were definitely right to point it out and ask for it back. Maybe the "if you find anything else" was slightly overkill, but understandable given that she is 99% likely to have known perfectly well. It might just be a hat, it doesn't give her the right to take the mickey out of you.

What you should do (IMO) is breeze over it all when you pick it up. "Oh thank you, DD will be so pleased! How are you? All ready for Christmas?" Blah Blah.

Don't refer to the elephant in the room. You know, she knows and she knows you know. You don't need to spell anything else out. If you do, it will come across as petty, spiteful and "having a go" at her.

DistanceCall · 08/12/2016 12:40

The OP said:

A few weeks ago I lamented to MIL that it was a shame id never found the hat as it would still have fit my DD this winter and she agreed.

If I'm being honest, it's the fact that I've asked her about it a few times

When I'd said a few weeks ago she described the hat to me when I said I was looking for it. She clearly knew whose hat it was.

My husband just knows she's sneaky at times.

This was not a mistake.

YoHoHoandabottleofTequila · 08/12/2016 12:41

I love the hat book with the bear and the rabbit.

JennyPocket · 08/12/2016 12:46

When you don't have kids living at your house, and they only visit, you don't exactly have girls hats hanging around. Obviously MIL found the hat at some point, why didn't she text OP to say "Found this - could it be the one you lost?"

MovingOnUp* Why would she give the hat to the other DGD?

  1. MIL is being passive aggressive, has always had the hat but didn't want to return it just to spite DIL in some minor way. It doesn't mean she's an awful person or MIL in every way but sometimes, people can be petty. This is possibly just an opportunity for MIL to piss OP off in a small way.
  2. It's a pretty hat. OP's DN has spotted it, wants to wear it and MIL doesn't want to say no.
  3. It's a cold day. MIL's other DGD doesn't have a hat. MIL knows perfectly well where there's one stashed away. She goes and gets it.
Blossomdeary · 08/12/2016 12:47

If she's looking after your children for free, then she is probably a busy lady (and no longer in the first flush of youth!) - cut her some slack. If you must mention it then do so in a pleasant and light-hearted way - "Hey there's that hat!" Please do not assume some evil motive - whyever would she do it deliberately?

I look after two G, each one day a week, and it is blooming hard work - this is just the sort of thing that I would do!

It's only a hat - more important is a good relationship with your MumIL, who is kindly caring for your child.

QueenArseClangers · 08/12/2016 12:50

Op's DD in happier hatted times.

MIL and daughter's hat.
IamWendy · 08/12/2016 12:51

How weird to do that though. Is she maybe so bored in her life that petty little schemes like swapping dgd's hats gives her a thrill. Weird.

EZA15 · 08/12/2016 12:55

pike you're really lucky if that comment stresses you out. I've got more important things to stress about!

bumsexatthebingo · 08/12/2016 12:58

Actually Dingdong I don't think it's harsh. The op says the child wouldn't see her gran if she didn't mind her so how is that a choice? Unless the op and her dh work 7 days a week all day surely they could pop in if they wanted to? And I disagree that it's 'no hardship'. In fact, that's the sort of entitled attitude I'm talking about. Young kids are lovely but they are hard work and this is a gm who has responsibilities for other gc on other days. Is a bit of respect too much to ask? And if she really is a sneaky, aggressive person it says a lot about the op that she's still willing to use her for free childcare.

gotthemoononastick · 08/12/2016 12:58

There once was a Queen in England who admired many things in many venues.They were gifted to her immediately!

Imagine if she were your Ms'il!!

TheLaundryLady · 08/12/2016 12:59

I have 2 GD's who are at our house most weekends. I am constantly getting their things mixed up but I do know if DSS has mentioned a particular item of clothing on several occasions I'd recognise it when I saw it..
however giving MIL the benefit of the doubt she could have been planning to give it back to you - it might only have been found on that day?

Blossomdeary · 08/12/2016 13:00

Hell - I'm glad you are not my DIL!

If MIL is so mega-crap then don't freeload child care from her - and don't pretend that you are doing it for her benefit!

I love caring for my DGC, but thankfully their mothers do not expect me to be perfect!

PrivatePike · 08/12/2016 13:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

pepperpot99 · 08/12/2016 13:01

Was it a Philip Treacy hat? You're making such an almighty deal about it I'm assuming it cost a fortune.

If your MIL is such a lying deceitful tealeaf then frankly I'm aghast you are allowing your dd to set foot inside her house of corruption and lies. I guess it saves you a load of cash though, eh? (enough to fork out for another hat).

HouseworkIsASin10 · 08/12/2016 13:01

YANBU
I personally would have been raging and said a lot more. You were quite restrained.

JorahsMissus · 08/12/2016 13:03

I don't think YABU to be honest. She seems to have known who owned the hat and still took DN out wearing it. Could your niece's parent maybe taken the hat and MIL didn't want to cause an argument by admitting to you that they had it? This is something my sister would do.

BoboBunnyH0p · 08/12/2016 13:03

Just place marking.

TheLaundryLady · 08/12/2016 13:04

And without trying to sound flippant - it's only a hat.
Does she look after your DD well when she has her ? Is she loved and cared for and happy? If yes let it go
If not find alternative childcare

Aderyn2016 · 08/12/2016 13:06

I know what clothes my dc own and if my dd came home from her grans wearing her cousins hat, I would know that it wasn't hers and would return it. So I am wondering why the neices parents haven't returned it. Do they think mil bought it for their dd? In taking it back, is mil going to have to admit to giving away someone else's stuff?

I am with the OP - there is no way you can get muddled up and accidentally give a distinctive item of clothing to the wrong child when the parent has asked you about it on more than one occasion. If you had accidentally done so, then you would expect the neices parents to return it, unless mil said they could keep it.
OP is right to call her on it. I think she was polite given that mil has effectively stolen from her.

user1471545174 · 08/12/2016 13:06

Well done OP.

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In
This thread is not accepting new messages.