MIL and daughter's hat.

[doomf]

My MIL looks after my DD one day a week (Tuesday) and her other grand daughter one day a week (Wednesday).

I bought my daughter a lovely hat last year to go with a coat she had. The hat went missing at the end of last winter and I'd searched high and low for it it to no avail. Is asked MIL if she'd seen it and she swore blind she hadn't (I was pretty sure the last time she'd worn it was to her house). A few weeks ago I lamented to MIL that it was a shame id never found the hat as it would still have fit my DD this winter and she agreed.

Yesterday afternoon I'd taken a day off work and had gone into town with my DD only to run into my MIL and her other grand daughter...wearing the bloody hat!!!

AIBU to think that you just don't do that?!

The people who say "I haven't RTFT (or even just read the OP's posts) but... just make themselves look like twits really.

Such a fuss over nothing.

Sybys I can't believe some people are so very ready to demonise the MIL, advise alternate childcare, limit contact/go NC (in Christmas season no less) over a hat that has gone missing. It seems to have gone down a black hole or something.

This thread is truly awful for its spiteful hyena-like behaviour. Not only for the MIL, but directed at anyone who dares to voice an alternate thought - even a relatively benign one.

Not allowing granny to look after child on her own is not the same as no contact. Neither does it stop child seeing granny. So no "damage" to the relationship. Normal visiting, like lots of grandparents.

If what MIL has said is true (that she felt DN was more deserving of the hat), then I certainly wouldn't want her looking after my DD any more. I honestly can't see someone making up the whole thing if she didn't really hold the opinion that DN was more deserving. What a strange and convoluted story to create! Surely when caught out any normal person would just brush it off and say 'Oh yeah I just found it' or 'DN forgot hers so we borrowed it'.

If, in fact, MILs confusion is an sign of dementia as some people have speculated, then I also wouldn't want her looking after my DD (I've seen how quickly people can deteriorate and some people are very good at hiding the early signs).

Substitute MIL for DM, childminder etc. and I'd feel the same. Although I'd probably go more ballistic at my own mother as I wouldn't feel like I had to keep the peace for the sake of DH (I love my DM and my MIL so this isn't colouring my judgement). Just my tuppence worth.

I smell favouritism.
Is your niece her daughter's daughter?

The OP says her MIL is 62. Here is an example of a 62 year old.
www.mirror.co.uk/3am/celebrity-news/christie-brinkley-stuns-red-62-8789511

Ignore that. Just caught up.
I'd be wondering what other preferential treatment your niece gets.
Weird thinking on behalf of your MIL. I'd be furious.

TheClaws - the MIL has stolen something, lied about it, given some fairly insulting reasons and not indicated any remorse. People are allowed errors of judgment, but I suspect an apology would go a long way here, rather than MIL trying to shift the blame onto the OP.

If there was a further update, which featured even a half-arsed apology, I suspect the tone would change.

Otherwise I expect this will blow over, but will take some time and MIL will have noone to blame but herself.

Although maybe I'd change my mind of I saw a photo of a hat.

We know it's not about the hat, but I don't think it's about the DGC either.
"You should be more sensitive " makes me think this is about the OP and her DH, particularly the OP. MiL is utterly determined to have her way over this, and is trying to provoke a particular reaction- she's the goady fucker in this scenario.

What the fuck? Sometimes I think I must live in a completely different universe to so many of you on here. Going no contact? Gas lighting? Really?

Have read approx 23 pages of the thread. I'm not a DIL or MIL but the way MIL has treated OP in this is disgusting and shows a complete lack of respect etc... Not going down the gas lighting etc route.

At the bottom of it is this, MIL has shot herself in the foot re this stupid behaviour and not saying sorry and feeling she can steamroller/slyly take the hat and MIL has made herself look stupid and petty. I think now it's all blown up its a shame as this will probably be allowed to fester. I hope personally that OP and her DIL can salvage some sort of relationship from this, not fair to the family that they're disagreeing unless there's more of a backstory besides what OPs DH has mentioned so far.

I'm not stopping contact with MIL and DD. I'm putting an end to regular childcare. DH can still take her round to visit or she's welcome to come round to my house hides valuables

TheClaws

You CANNOT be serious.

That hat has NOT gone missing, this was established relatively early in the thread. The MIL admitted to deliberately removing it from the little girls and giving it to her cousin.

This has been made clear umpteen times in sections of the thread that you are participating in. Why do you keep saying the hat has gone awol? Even the MIL has admitted this is not the case and is confessed to lying about its whereabouts so a child she seemed more worthy could have it. If you're going to weigh in at least read SOME of the thread! Good GOD!

*deemed more worthy

And amongst those who have actually read the thread there are essentially no alternative opinions - everyone is in agreement that the MIL has behaves in an insane and spiteful fashion. Those being chastised are those weighing in on the original post alone. It has since been establishes for certain by OP that the removal of the belated hat was deliberate and various shit has gone down as a result.

Just read the OP's updates, even the DH and BIL (father of the new recipient of the hat) think their mother has been vicious and bonkers!

I expect your 4 year old will be starting school next year. If so, then being in nursery for the extra day will help your daughter get more used to that routine rather than being with MIL for a day a week since you would have to stop those visits anyway to begin school full time.

Do people really think if the MIL felt so strongly she wanted the niece to have some nicer things, she would have addressed the problem by stealing a flipping hat of all things?

Why not - that was probably the thing that the other DGD saw and wanted. And MIL thought "she doesn't have anything nice - it's not fair". But rather than admitting to this to the OP and apologising, she lied to her face and then made up this whole drama about how insensitive she is about money. But - at the heart of it - the MIL stole something that she knew was precious (to the OP at least and most likely to her DD as well) and gave it to someone else. So she didn't just shove a hat on a child. She deliberately stole it, and from her granddaughter at that.

Who are these officious RTFT policemen?How rude you all are...people can post what they like even if they have not read all the pearls of wisdom!
If you gather that they have not surely just skim over it.The OP I hope is able to discern for herself if someone has or not.!

This thread is a perfect example of the hypocrisy of all of those people who snap 'why didn't you say something?!'

OP did and is getting a ridiculous amount of flack for it.

If she hadn't she would have got flack for being a pushover.

Can't win.

nichito take your own advice. Read the thread. MIL couldn't find the hat, remember? It is missing at this point, apparently.

BTW, thanks for proving my point so beautifully!

gotthemoon to each their own - personally I find it rude to butt into the middle of a conversation without bothering to listen to the rest of it first.....

I can't see the point of posting, if you haven't read the whole thread. If you have missed information, and got hold of the wrong end of the stick as a result, what is your opinion worth? It's not helpful to the OP at all. At best it's just mistaken/ carelessness. At best it is arrogance.

Notice how all those who hadn't RTFT piled in to give the OP a kicking? Maybe some just didn't notice there were so many pages. But I wonder how many were driven by a need to blame, criticise and be spiteful. And just couldn't wait to do so.