MIL and daughter's hat.

[doomf]

My MIL looks after my DD one day a week (Tuesday) and her other grand daughter one day a week (Wednesday).

I bought my daughter a lovely hat last year to go with a coat she had. The hat went missing at the end of last winter and I'd searched high and low for it it to no avail. Is asked MIL if she'd seen it and she swore blind she hadn't (I was pretty sure the last time she'd worn it was to her house). A few weeks ago I lamented to MIL that it was a shame id never found the hat as it would still have fit my DD this winter and she agreed.

Yesterday afternoon I'd taken a day off work and had gone into town with my DD only to run into my MIL and her other grand daughter...wearing the bloody hat!!!

AIBU to think that you just don't do that?!

I've always been on good terms with her. I'm not close to her (my SIL is probably closer to her) but we've always been pleasant. I'm pretty quiet and I've sometimes wondered if she can't read me or get much out of me. I'm very close to my own parents but have always made sure DD sees her as much as possible.

"I am a deeply imperfect human being and am grateful for my nearest and dearest cutting me a bit of slack from time to time. I do the same for them. I’d be very miserable if I interpreted every thoughtless / ill-judged thing that happened in the worst possible way."
This.

bert

Stealing off her granddaughter? Yeah that one doesn't fly with me

This isn't an example of thoughtlessness or a lack of judgement. It was a deliberate, manipulative and downright bloody horrible thing to do.

From MIL's explanation, it sounds like she feels an entirely unjustified sense of grandmotherly "ownership" over her grandkids (and the things they turn up at her house with) and wants things to be "fair". She's gone about it completely the wrong way and she's pig-headed not to apologise. But...

"Honestly she sounds mentally unwell. And definitely should not be looking after any children."

"Cut the silly old bint out of your lives"

"I wouldn't let her within 100m of my kids without supervision"

"I'd be scared to leave my child with her"

REALLY?

If she'd "redistributed" your DD's favourite teddy, that would be a clear cut case of manipulation and nastiness. This wasn't an item that was precious to your DD (has she even noticed it's missing?), so while MIL was still WRONG, it's a much bigger leap to assume that she was deliberately setting out to hurt. You therefore have a choice: hope for the best or look for the worst.

How do you know it isn't precious to op's dd?

And even if it isn't, how the actual fuck can you justify nicking something off 1 granddaughter to give to another? It's wrong- pure and simple

That wasn't PURELY directed at you Elle - I note that you at least agree she was wrong

Elle, those statements that you've posted are from other posters, not the OP. The OP (who was actually affected) has been measured and showed a great deal of restraint towards her MIL.

I'm usually very much biased towards MILs because I think there are so many unreasonable DILs out there itching to 'go no contact' and take their immediate families with them. This OP isn't one of those.

MIL has been stupid to think she could get away with this and mean-spirited to even think of doing it in the first place. The "It's only a hat" from the obtuse posters who are hard of thinking, is missing the point.

The original action was unreasonable in the extreme, MIL could have bought a hat for GD2 anytime she wanted to, given that she perceived that her son couldn't afford one. The lying and continued excuses are why OP is doing exactly the right thing keeping a distance between herself and her MIL now - and her daughter will only see MIL in a grandmother capacity rather than a childcare one.

OP, you've had a lot of mud slinged at you on this thread, most unfairly.

Gosh OP, I bet your MIL is thrilled you married her son - unless there is an enormous back story you're not disclosing here.

Gosh, OP, I bet you are thrilled you married someone who has this mother.

I wouldn't let her within 100m of my kids without supervision

I said this actually not the Op.
And I stand by it, I wouldn't be leaving my DCs with anyone who uses them to play stupid games and lies. Elle if you find that's your standard of acceptable, that's up to you.

Very true - I don't know how DD feels about absence of hat. I'm assuming it isn't precious to her because most young kids aren't super attached to their winter accessories, and OP would most likely have mentioned it if DD was pining for it. To be fair, it's the least of the assumptions that has been made on this thread. Entire psychological profiles of MIL have been constructed over the past 22 pages.

I agree that nicking anything from one granddaughter to give to another is wrong. But this is a thread about levels of "Reasonable" and I think that some of the responses suggested to the hat nicking are completely Unreasonable - the type of response that might be appropriate if MIL had been in some way abusive towards DD / drunk in charge of DD etc. I'm not defending MIL - she was undoubtedly BU. I just think a bit of perspective is needed.

From the tone of some of these comments, it sounds like if a family isn't a perfectly harmonious bubble, it's not worth having. I disagree with that. All families have issues / resentments etc bubbling under the surface, and sometimes the uglier sides of our relationships rear their head in seemingly 'innocuous' hat-like ways. It's life. Unless it's really really bad, you work through it. And in the grand scheme of things, this is not really really bad.

At the risk of making Mumsnet go off like a bomb in a millinery - it is just a (stolen, meaning-infused, psycho-drama-inducing) hat.

It is just a hat. Which the MIL stole from a child, gave to another child whom she seems to favour, knowingly lied about, threw a hissy fit about involving the perceived unfairness of her sons' families' respective situations, and now seems to have (again) knowingly absconded. Oh, and she has at no point apologised for any of this.

Just a hat, yep.

Agree Distance.

I think some people just want an excuse to pick on the OP.

Makes one wonder how common such behaviour (the MILs) is amongst some MNetters, given some of the nasty comments to the OP.

I agree with you Elle that family is family and worth it even if not ensconced in a harmonious perfect bubble (all though that would be lovely, just now and again).

I disagree with your reasonable comment about the hat though because it's just not about the hat. To me it's this:

1. MIL took a possession from one grandchild to give to another

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1. No permission given by owner of article, or by proxy, the parent, another of MIL's close relatives

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1. MIL gossips about her other son's (and wife's) finances, however adroitly, implying that her son cannot provide for his family (I would be incensed at that if I were MIL's son)

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1. MIL lied continuously to her DIL, the OP. For what reason? Would MIL have liked it to be done to her if the situation were reversed? No, of course not

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1. MIL (and this is the big one) is setting up OP's daughter (MIL's granddaughter) to take the role of the 'less than' child. The one who will be called upon to give up her things in favour of a cousin who has less. It is NOT either granddaughter's role - or business as a child - to either play the role of 'dutiful kind and generous granddaughter' or 'poor granddaughter who must accept cast-offs' from MIL. It is for the mothers (OP and her SIL) to swap clothes/handover outgrown clothes if they want to. It's nothing to do with MIL

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1. MIL has caused this whole mess and instead of coming clean so that it can be a case of least said soonest mended, is perpetuating the lie so that all family members have to become involved

I too would be keeping my daughter at arms' length - and having a very frank conversation with MIL that this doesn't happen again.

Other than that, Elle, we are united.

Thank you God for my lovely daughters in law who would never do this to my sons and have empathy for humanity's(and my) foibles.

I'm a Dil who would never do this to my Mil but then I wouldn't need to as her "foibles" don't include stealing and lying.

I think it is the fact that she hasn't apologised that makes it hard to get over and move on. At least if she did recognise that she was in the wrong, then perhaps bridges could be built, but instead the mil has made a bad situation worse by behaving even more badly when pulled up on her lying and stealing.

Although I agree the root cause could be jealousy and golden child, dislike of the op etc, a pp above made an interesting point about that it could just be that the mil is embarrassed about taking out her other, not so well dressed gc or that she wants to big herself up and feel/look good by taking out immaculately, expensively dressed gc.

Well, I've just read the thread, and I think it's so bizarre that if it was me, I would go round, with my dp, and say to mil "Look, this is just really odd. Can you just tell me what happened and why? Can we talk about it?" And I would certainly do that before I deprived my dd of a loving grandmother. Because it seems that before hatgate, the child was having a nice time with her grandma once a week, and she is the one who will lose out.

No, seriously. This is the situation.

Granny thinks that DGD1 has fewer things than DGD2. So she takes one thing from DGD2, without checking with DGD2 or her parents, and gives it to DGD1 (without telling DGD1's parents).

When asked about the thing by DGD2 and her parents, she denies knowing anything about it.

When found out, Granny kicks up a fuss, says that DGD2's parents make loads more money, and it isn't fair, and gets very angry. She doesn't apologise for any of it.

Does this really sound normal to any of you? REALLY?

She might lose out on time with Grandma, but at least her head will be be warm.

IF she gets that hat back, Chipped... there are no guarantees here.

Sometimes people do stupid, thoughtless things, then their ego is too big to let them back down from them - and I think that more moustache-twirling villainy is being attributed to MIL than is necessary.

But - this wasn't thoughtless. This was with thought. She knew the hat was wanted. She lied about it. This takes thought.

Unless it's really really bad, you work through it. And in the grand scheme of things, this is not really really bad.

Elle, do you have boundary issues yourself?

I'm wondering if all the posters who keep saying "it's only a hat" or who think that many of us are taking it too far and villifying the mil too much, actually accept quite a lot of crap in their own lives so don't actually know what a healthy family dynamic looks like.

God fancy bare faced lying so many times about taking things from your granddaughter.