MIL and daughter's hat.

[doomf]

My MIL looks after my DD one day a week (Tuesday) and her other grand daughter one day a week (Wednesday).

I bought my daughter a lovely hat last year to go with a coat she had. The hat went missing at the end of last winter and I'd searched high and low for it it to no avail. Is asked MIL if she'd seen it and she swore blind she hadn't (I was pretty sure the last time she'd worn it was to her house). A few weeks ago I lamented to MIL that it was a shame id never found the hat as it would still have fit my DD this winter and she agreed.

Yesterday afternoon I'd taken a day off work and had gone into town with my DD only to run into my MIL and her other grand daughter...wearing the bloody hat!!!

AIBU to think that you just don't do that?!

Either accept a lot of crap in their own lives, or dish it out dowhatnow

True happy . That could be the alternative take on it.

I think there's big things and little things. We felt badly let down by our best friends a few years ago, quite upsetting for us but we realisef our friends had no idea the hurt we felt.

It would have been very easy to step away from them, or have a big heart to heart and explain, but we carried on and decided we valued their friendship more than this one blip.

Yes, its weird and bad but are you prepared to ruin the family relationship over it? Will it be ok to cool it for a few weeks or months? Stopping the DD from going will be irreparable. I'm not saying that's justified or not but have a good think before taking it that step further.

I know Mumsnet likes a quick and happy ending to crazy aibu's but this is not something you should rush for MN benefit.

Well, it's possible the hat only turned up recently so she hasn't been lying all year.

But it all seems so odd that I'd want to know more.

It doesn't matter if the hat turned up recently, BertrandRussell. The MIL said explicitly that she thought the other grandchild had less, and decided to "quietly give" Doomf's daughter's hat to her, without asking anyone.

As you say, it's very odd in any case.

Well, it does because some people are saying that the MIL has lied and lied for ages. She may not have done. It may not have been calculated at all. Or it may have been. We don't know. And depriving a child of her grandmother is such a very big thing that surely it needs more discussion?

In any case, if the MIL found out recently (which I doubt, to be honest), she did know that Doomf had been asking about it for ages. And deliberately lied.

I wouldn't want to leave my daughter with a grandmother who favoured her other grandchild over her. And who lied so barefacedly when explicitly asked.

It absolutely needs more discussion Bertrand. But there's an implication that this is not an isolated incident. "My husband just knows she's sneaky at times." That's a very telling statement, and predates this incident.

I hope you asked for it back as it doesn't belong to her. How awful. You could have said something like; "glad to see you were just looking after it for her, so glad I've found it. Please could I have it back now?"

I think that there is potential to repair the relationship if the mil accepts she shouldn't have done it and apologises. Without that, how can you forgive and forget? I can't see how you can get past that.

I think it's best not to have a relationship with someone who steals from you.

The MiL has been gaslighting the OP for a sustained period of time.

It began when she decided to unilaterally give DD's hat to DN.
It continued over several months in which she repeatedly denied any knowledge of the hat - despite knowing that the OP was upset to have lost it and was still searching.
Every time she had the chance to put her hands up, she chose to repeat the lie.
When finally confronted by the OP, she came up with a story designed to deflect attention away from her behaviour and on to BIL's family.
And the icing on the cake is that she went on the offensive, attacking the OP when the OP's DH spoke to her about the hat and trying to deflect the conversation on to the OPs faults rather than her own.

No apology, no mea culpa, no offer to rectify the situation. Just lies and attacks.

She sounds either unwell or absolutely without scruples.

I've only got to page two and as a grandma who provides free childcare, my reaction was that if either of my DILs spoke to me like that they'd be looking for a nursery place.

I feel really sorry for Bil and SIL tbh - it must be horrible to hear that your own mother thinks you can't provide for your own child.

Might be a really good opportunity to forge a closer relationship with them

ELLE - this is the point though, if Mil wont own up - how on earth are they supposed to work through it, more like you mean op ignores it and sucks it up

*She could hardly say 'Well it gives me such pleasure to keep this hat from you. Such a sense of power, and since you don't know I've done this, a sense of knowing something that no-one else knows. It's exhilarating! Makes me smile every time you moan about not having the hat. Such fun!'

Very weird. In some ways the ones with most grounds to be pissed off are BIL and SIL. I'd be miffed if I were them, having my finances discussed with someone I'm not close to and being conned into receiving charity I didn't feel I needed.

inolongercare read the rest of the thread

Everybody's sneaky at times!

As I said, it all seems very odd. But I don't think anyone has said she favours the other granddaughter, have they? It's possible that the hat thing was a sudden impulse and she now feels backed into a corner. Who knows? Maybe the otherJg the grandchild away without talking about it some more will do irreparable damage. To everyone-including the child.

The OP's not depriving the GD of her GM though. She's said very clearly that she won't be visiting her MIL herself, and will be putting GD into nursery, but no more than that. So there's nothing to stop MIL's son bringing his daughter to see her, nor MIL visiting.

I wouldn't want someone minding my children who was ok at deliberately hiding their stuff to give to someone else, let alone someone who then 'exploded' in anger about our cars and house when confronted. It's impossible to trust someone who behaves like that, which means that taking major favours like childminding from them is now impossible.

Lyingwitchwardrobe

Excellent summary there I really dont see how any one can argue with that.

1. MIL (and this is the big one) is setting up OP's daughter (MIL's granddaughter) to take the role of the 'less than' child. The one who will be called upon to give up her things in favour of a cousin who has less. It is NOT either granddaughter's role - or business as a child - to either play the role of 'dutiful kind and generous granddaughter' or 'poor granddaughter who must accept cast-offs' from MIL. It is for the mothers (OP and her SIL) to swap clothes/handover outgrown clothes if they want to. It's nothing to do with MIL

^^ This especially.

And yes - Mil has caused all of this and Bertrand she had many chances to come clean.

"The MiL has been gaslighting the OP for a sustained period of time"

You don't know that. The hat could have turned up last week.

Oh, and that's not gaslighting.

Bertrand do you not think the Mil would have in that case explained this? Rather than admit her true reason?

Can you not see that - can you not see that she is clearly simmering over op and their car and their house - as she has herself admitted? Or do you know this Mil? perhaps you are her therapist and can shed more light on her strange actions?

"Everybody's sneaky at times!"
Maybe. Maybe not. But not everybody would be described by their child as sneaky. That's what is sticking out to me. To be described as such implies that they have been sneaky a great many times. And, that this has impacted on that child.

Gas lighting again... It really is the bingo word of the month at the moment

Inolongercare as I understand it in any case, the OP already has arranged a nursery place for her daughter for the day she usually goes to her GM.

Why do people comment before they have even read the OP's updates?

I am a similar age to the OP's MIL and I know that MN is often very anti-MIL but in this case I do feel that the OP's MIL has acted bizarrely and unfairly.