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AIBU?

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Original poster

MIL and daughter's hat.

1003 replies

doomf · 08/12/2016 10:14

My MIL looks after my DD one day a week (Tuesday) and her other grand daughter one day a week (Wednesday).

I bought my daughter a lovely hat last year to go with a coat she had. The hat went missing at the end of last winter and I'd searched high and low for it it to no avail. Is asked MIL if she'd seen it and she swore blind she hadn't (I was pretty sure the last time she'd worn it was to her house). A few weeks ago I lamented to MIL that it was a shame id never found the hat as it would still have fit my DD this winter and she agreed.

Yesterday afternoon I'd taken a day off work and had gone into town with my DD only to run into my MIL and her other grand daughter...wearing the bloody hat!!!

AIBU to think that you just don't do that?!

OP posts:
Thread gallery
11
Qwertie · 09/12/2016 06:56

This is better than a parking thread. Yanbu OP. Did DH speak to BIL?

Shelby2010 · 09/12/2016 07:16

Agree with pp that she has done this to spite/control you. Also that she probably told BIL that she bought the hat for DGD. I doubt they are so poor that they can't provide any kind of hat.

It is so not about DGD feeling upset that she hasn't got a 'nice' hat. At that age they would choose the hat with the brightest colours, most sparkley or with their favourite character - usually cheap & tacky. Not the most expensive looking - unless it was a very expensive bright pink bobble hat with glitter, sequins and Elsa on it?

Original poster
doomf · 09/12/2016 07:18

He hadn't spoken to BIL yet. I think he'll do it today or over the weekend. They're not overly close so I think he's a bit unsure about what the reaction will be

OP posts:
NoSunNoMoon · 09/12/2016 07:28

You are right not to use her for child care any more. What other spiteful tricks will she play?

She obviously favours her other GDD and your DD deserves better. Awful woman.

WhatchaMaCalllit · 09/12/2016 07:55

Whatever your DH says to his brother, it has to be about the way their mother has behaved.

Maybe your DH could say that their mum has seen fit to give your niece a hat that belongs to you and your daughter and she didn't ask and as it goes with a coat that your DD is still able to fit into, you'd like it back as soon as your niece has it next. Also say, "Isn't it strange how mum is behaving? I mean who in their right mind would think that to take a hat from a child to give it to another child without asking permission from their parents, I ask you?" But most of all, the topic must centre around how their mother has behaved in this and how it is not acceptable.

SquinkiesRule · 09/12/2016 08:19

This thread gets more strange by the day. I knew I should have bookmarked it on day one.
MIL has clearly lost the plot. I hope your Dh talks to his brother before MIL gets to him, she's acting very oddly.
It isn't new behavior seeing the hat went missing a year ago.

diddl · 09/12/2016 08:24

"She's lost the plot as far as I'm concerned and it'll be a long time before I'm in her company again."

Hopefully that applies to your daughter as well as it's her that has been the scapegoat for MIL's spite.

Letseatgrandma · 09/12/2016 08:28

I would imagine your MIL has got to BIL by now and told them you are hysterical just because she lent their daughter your daughter's hat.

I'd have rung BIL straight away. Shame they're not close-did they fall out over something or do they just not generally get on?

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 09/12/2016 08:53

OMG - she is totally mad.
YES to your DH speaking directly to his DB - they might not be close, but if I were your DBil I wouldn't want to be portrayed as unable to dress my own DD, which is the impression that your MIL is giving about them.

I'm outraged that she apparently "can't find" the hat again - ffs! OF COURSE she knows where it is, she's just exerting control over it and refusing to give it back, because that will place her "in the wrong" and she's not going to have that.

Glad the nursery can take your DD the extra day - definitely a good plan.

Rainbunny - purely disgusted about your aunt/cousin and the thievery - outrageous!! ShockAngry

Soubriquet · 09/12/2016 08:55

I bet your BIL will love the implication that because he doesn't earn enough he's practically neglecting his daughter

sweetstemcauli · 09/12/2016 08:57

My tricky exMIL got up to this sort of thing too. Amongst other things she engineered was a lost book which turned up a while after it had gone missing from our house, or sorry, no, MIL had "bought another just like it" for someone else. Just the old crayon marks inside the dust cover to explain away, then. It turns out it was about hating me and my DC by extension. The fact that she is now embittered and alone doesn't comfort me at all, I just wish she could have acted the grown-up.

rollonthesummer · 09/12/2016 08:58

Have you told her she won't be looking after your DD any more?

ElleMcElle · 09/12/2016 09:00

Your MIL is in the wrong. What she did was stupid and very odd. The moral high ground is entirely yours. However... YABU for taking it with such glee.

Either

a) Your trust of your MIL was teetering on such a knife edge already, this small hat-related weirdness is enough to push you over the edge (in which case, why was she trusted to look after the kids in the first place?) or -

b) You've been looking for a reason to take a swipe at your MIL and reduce contact, and hat-gate has given you the excuse / opportunity you wanted.

Again - MIL WAS wrong - no dispute about that. But the grandparent / grandchild relationship can be a valuable one, and this just doesn't seem big enough to justify throwing it away. She doesn't sound like a danger to your DD? It's a shame to potentially sever that relationship for the sake of enjoying the nice view from the moral high ground. None of us are perfect, and she's clearly mortified and humiliated by what she did. If you go in all guns blazing, cutting contact and she tells your BIL you're over-reacting, then she's probably right!

So - she was BU (and really really strange), but by revelling in it, you are BU.

JennyPocket · 09/12/2016 09:16

I don't think OP is revelling in it, I think she thinks it's a barking thing to do (and unpleasant). I don't get that she's saying MIL can't see her DD but that she doesn't want MIL to do a weekly child-care of DD. Lots of grandparents have a great relationship with DGC without having to take care of them weekly.

I'm not sure she's clearly mortified and humiliated either. If so, wouldn't she just have either said sorry, or made an excuse as to why DGD was wearing the hat, like she'd just found it at the weekend, and then given it back?

I agree that it's a shame to sever the relationship, but I don't think OP is revelling in it or is BU at all.

Chippednailvarnishing · 09/12/2016 09:16

The Op isn't "revelling in it" Hmm

happychristmasbum · 09/12/2016 09:18

I agree with PP - the sooner DH talks to BIL the better. He should concentrate on the things MIL said about redistribution of hats wealth due to BIL and SIL struggling so badly, and is there anything he can do to help other than giving DN DDs stuff?

I imagine BIL will be horrified. MIL has probably given them a ridiculous story by now and will be keen to triangulate and set BIL against DH. Bitter voice of experience Sad

BasinHaircut · 09/12/2016 09:19

Is she usually like this OP?

Do you have a history with her?

ohfourfoxache · 09/12/2016 09:22

There is absolutely no glee in op's posts. Just disappointment and bewilderment.

I simply cannot understand how anyone can think this is op's fault or that she's somehow enjoying this Hmm

Farmmummy · 09/12/2016 09:28

I really think she has thought by using this excuse that op and her DH would be too embarrassed to mention it to bil/sil. Just on the fence whether she has genuine mh issues or as seems to be is just away with the faeries

Sol1dGoldCunt · 09/12/2016 09:29

If bil and sil are aware of the hat it will be that mil has told them she bought it. The hat will have gone home with dn because it was 'her' hat and not a borrowed one. Mil is in a pinch now because if DN repeats your comments they will know this wasn't a gift from mil. Either that or they think you've said it's no good for dd anymore and she felt it was too nice a hat to waste and this argument is going to show her up.

If bil and sil aren't aware then this is all about mil feeling they don't raise their kid to an adequate standard. And again that shows her up.

I agree it would be best if your DH talks to them from a viewpoint of we hear you're struggling, if there's any way we can help then just let us know but we'd rather be the people who redistribute our dds stuff.

MrEBear · 09/12/2016 09:29

Depending on relationships and what they have been told about the hats origins. They might think you are lying about having bought it.

I suspect as another poster has written they either think MIL bought it as a gift to their DD or it gets kept at MILs and they know nothing about it.

I think you are doing the right thing not leaving DD with MIL. Your trust in her has completely gone, will take you years if you ever do get it back. From the comments made by your DH its not completely out of character for her so she is unlikely to change.

I'm also curious if you can think of any other items either clothing or toys that have "disappeared" because I would think this isn't the first time that she has done this, nor will it be the last.

Timeforteaplease · 09/12/2016 09:48

Trust is a funny thing - once it's gone, it's gone.
Knowing that Mil is prepared to involve the DC in games relating to family politics would be a big red flag for me.
If MIL has a problem with the OP and her DH, then MIL should be dealing with them directly, not involving the kids in some crazy way.
OP is totally justified in taking a step back and putting DD into nursery until this has been resolved and they have some reassurance that MIL won't use the DC as pawns in some bizarre mind game.

SILfoundmyusername · 09/12/2016 09:51

Clearly hat went home with DN as your mum gave it to her as a gift. Rest sounds like part her real feelings, part coverup.
Definitely get him to go round on premise he's worried about his mum, explain about the hat and why he is putting your DD in childcare from next week, as they will here whatever version she presents.
If they are struggling you are sorry, and if she's made it up then they will not be impressed

LlamaDrama · 09/12/2016 09:57

MIL is clearly very manipulative. It's sad really as it only serves to drive a wedge between H and his brother.

I think that you need to see this through to a full 'MIL this is not acceptable' resolution as it will set the bar for the future.

Good luck!

CaraAspen · 09/12/2016 09:59

The OP is not revelling in anything to do with this unsavoury incident. Can't the person who said that identify tone?
In fact, the OP is clearly hurt and confused, caught up in a horrible situation which is not of her own making.

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