MIL and daughter's hat.

[doomf]

My MIL looks after my DD one day a week (Tuesday) and her other grand daughter one day a week (Wednesday).

I bought my daughter a lovely hat last year to go with a coat she had. The hat went missing at the end of last winter and I'd searched high and low for it it to no avail. Is asked MIL if she'd seen it and she swore blind she hadn't (I was pretty sure the last time she'd worn it was to her house). A few weeks ago I lamented to MIL that it was a shame id never found the hat as it would still have fit my DD this winter and she agreed.

Yesterday afternoon I'd taken a day off work and had gone into town with my DD only to run into my MIL and her other grand daughter...wearing the bloody hat!!!

AIBU to think that you just don't do that?!

You absolutely HAVE to get her that book for Xmas now, how much worse can it get after all?!

OP, I think your MIL was out of order over the hat.

But - such an extreme reaction from her tonight? Is it possible that BIL and family have problems (financial or otherwise) that you and your DH don't know about, but that your MIL is worried about? And the hat thing is just a bizarre way of her expressing her worry?

Just putting it out there for Jon Klassen fans - he has written two other hat books - 'this is not my hat' and 'we found a hat'. They are both as brilliant as the first one. I'd suggest you buy MIL 'this is not my hat' in particular. It has a cautionary ending .

What?! If your MIL is so outraged about her other grandchild not having as much, she should, you know, actually buy her stuff herself! Not steal off her other grandchild! She wouldn't just walk into a shop and steal stuff because it's so unfair that the shop has things her grandchild needs/wants (maybe she would...)

my DSis used to pick up DS from preschool once in a while to have a playdate with her son, and inevitably if he had a nice new jacket or some other delightful item of clothing it did not make it home to my house. Shame her memory was not so great - I'd quite often see DN wearing them all very soon thereafter. She got ALL the hand me downs, so would have had them all in due time. Lovely boy. Crazy lady. I never said anything much until she kept his favorite doll her youngest coveted

She sounds utterly bonkers.

I think Fidelia has it spot on, and I hope the OP reads her post.

Your dh needs to talk to his brother

I never said anything much until she kept his favorite doll her youngest coveted

You see this is what I dont understand.

I see it often on MN and I just dont get it! I would (and have) always pulled people up on this and I wouldnt let it drop, especially if my childs property was seen shortly afterwards on the thiefs child. OK so this is why my SIL hates my guts, because I wont just shut up and scuttle away, I am sure H wishes I would sometimes for family harmony but fuck that!

Even if I had all the money in the world I would not tolerate this kind of shit and it amazes me that people just let it go! I dont like confrontation, I blush and stammer, but bugger me if I will let someone treat me or my child like shit!

Good decision about the nursery.

DH asked for the hat back and she couldn't find it

And the reason she couldn't find it was because it had gone home with her DGD. She told your DBIL and DSIL that she bought her that hat! Get your DH to call them. I bet you that's what happened, and it's why she's so frantic. She knows she's very close to being caught in a lie by both sons.

On the bright side - other than the further reduction in contact - you now know what to get her for future bday and xmas gifts!

you could start her collection with this

Place marking in case this gets any more bizarre. Your MIL is a nutter.

Fidelia Thu 08-Dec-16 23:39:25

Yep spot on Id say. [say]

OP - the BIL & SIL being worse off than you is a smokescreen.

MIL has kept that hat to spite you, even if she only found it after a while (unlikely, she'll have had it since Day 1), even if she only found it last week, any normal person would have phoned/texted straight away and been actually pleased to inform you that something you were missing had been found.

She has kept it to spite you (why not contact you otherwise? Or why not say, when you've seen her other DGD wear it "Oh do you know I did mean to phone you that I'd found it, I just forgot and then DGD needed a hat so I just stuck it on, sorry!")

and then she's given it to other DGD to spite you too, it must have given her some odd pleasure to see it being worn by other DGD whilst knowing you were missing it. Yes some people really are that fricking petty.

So, the blether about BIL and SIL is nothing but an excuse to a) justify her actions and b) attempt to make you feel guilty and c) give her cause to vent her jealousy/frustrations about you.

It's all very bizarre. Normal people do not behave like this.

As for "its just a hat" brigade - it's about "just a hat", it's about trust.

I've just read all of this thread, and it got me quite wound up, particularly the number of people shouting down at the OP and calling her an awful rude DIL and "just a hat" etc

I was glad to see others came on later and defended OP - this was all clearly deliberate, the children themselves are too young to perceive a difference and the inlaws too busy to know.

It's good that she won't be looking after your DD anymore, if she thinks your DD has so much she's willing to take from her, it seems she has resentment towards not just you but the child herself, the child is too young to know she's been stolen from, but it is her who has been stolen from and not the OP. And that's a nasty, spiteful thing to do to a child, even if she may not know.

MIL has a chip on her shoulder.

Definitely get her a hat and hat related items for xmas!

I would bet my bottom dollar that MIL gifted the hat to the other granddaughter and told BIL & SIL that she had bought it as a gift. She can't give it back to you without losing face with BIL now.

She is clearly feeling a great deal of resentment towards you and DH, though OP. Is BIL the golden child, and she is annoyed that he is less financially successful than you and DH?

Or perhaps she is just jealous of your success herself? Are you financially better off than she was at that stage of her life?

I agree with jennypocket.

I suspected from the first explanation MIL gave that this had nothing to do with BIL/SIL. They are being unwittingly used in a really horrible way, possibly the first thing she could think of that sounded vaguely plausible at the time.

This is about MIL and her wanting to have a go at you. The fact that she would use a thing as petty as a child's hat is just weird.

I suspect your DH is going to get a completely disproportionate reaction from his DM. She's been busted, and people like this don't like getting busted.

DH needs to talk to DB asap.

She is bat shit fucking crazy.

YANBU & I don't think you sounded particularly harsh with your MIL at all.

However, personally I would be far more peed off with SIL/BIL, whichever is the main carer of your daughters cousin. They are the ones who have seen a strange hat come home with their DD & just kept it without saying a word. They would know it wasn't their DDs hat & would probably guess, if not know it was yours. They have not only knowingly kept your hat & said nothing , but have put your MIL in a very awkward situation too. That's where your anger should really be directed, not at MIL

Is your DH worried? If someone started behaving in this way out of the blue I would seek medical advice. He may know whether this is normal for her.

Ignore my last comment, I've just spotted your update

she is clearly bonkers!

Has BIL always been the favourite? I guess this stems from BIL being the favourite child and her being resentful that your H is more successful than him and bitterness about that.

Ps. I loved the comment that she didn't steal the hat, she just "redistributed" it. As a general rule redistributing things that don't belong to you is stealing