Dad told my son using the N word is not bad.

[Whathappendexactly]

I'm really annoyed. My 74 year DD has told my DS10 it's fine to call people by the N word. He then went on to say he's shocked there are so many of "them" on children's TV. This is over the dinner table! When I said it was totally unacceptable, told my Dad the consequences of using the word for my DS at school, he made out the world has gone mad and that we will all get arrested for being racists using normal words like this, he also told my DS that calling them C ( rhymes with goon not the other one ) is also fine.

Obviously I have had a talk to my DS and DD13 who was present when DS brought up the word.

My Dad is of a different generation. He's old and not that well and enjoys a few hours after school with my DS once a week. It also doubles as child care for me.

In all other ways my DD is a good kind man who would not hurt a fly but I can't put up with this can I?

Do I make other arrangements after school on this one day. Not actually sure what that would be other than stop working this day. After school provision is full.

If DS father hears this word from DS he will get into so much trouble and these weekly visits would stop instantly and I can't see how I could defend my DD to be honest because i'd have to agree.

A bit of back ground. When I was 15, I was asked to see the head teacher at school. I was acused of being racist to a friend who had complained. I had no idea what I had said wrong. In fact I had referred to the shop outside school by the word used by my Dad in thoses days. I had no idea how wrong it was. I had also used some other language earlier to another girl but to this day I have no idea what it was. I certainly didn't feel like I was being racist. The head teacher even remarked he was shocked I was sitting in front of him over such a matter. I don't want my children to use these words unintentionally as I did back then.

To my DD we have all gone "to far" the other way apparently and I'm cross about nothing.

Your dad is a racist. Make sure the kids know the consequences if they use this word at school. Tell them about your experience when you were at school. Tbh I would be stopping the kids seeing your dad if he continues.

Don't excuse your dad. He's not 'old' - he's a fucking racist. My DM is 71 and would NEVER use such words. Even my 93 year old step-grandfather knows better, even if he does read the Daily Fail.

I would not let my children near him, even with supervision.

Yep, he's a racist. I hope you challenged him in front of the children so they can see that what he said was wrong. Hopefully they will take you as their primary influence, not him.

He's racist and it's not because he's 'old', my grandparents are in their 90s and would never use language like that. I think I would stop the visits until he promised to keep his language to himself.

Nothing to do with his age, he's racist.

Yeah, your Dad is a racist. Sit down with the children and have a good talk with them about this, and explain all the reasons behind it. Also have a good talk with your Dad about his language around the children. My dear granddad, sadly no longer around, was the same. Career military, plenty of overseas, and everyone foreign were 'wogs'. Yellow wogs, rice wogs, sand wogs...and he saw nothing wrong with that. We grew up in a wholly white area, as in, no non-whites at all anywhere, but we were brought up with being told about how wrong racist language was in any context and we both got the hang of it. Grandad got a talking to now and again and mostly kept it dialled down, but some people can't change and adapt...

I would be telling my dad he either refrains from using this language around my children, or he will no longer be allowed to be around my children. This isn't the same as an anachronistic slip of the tongue (occasionally my dad will say 'coloured' ). This is conscious racism.

You need to speak to your DD and explain to him that no matter his views on the subject, these are your children and you will not accept him speaking that way in front of them. It's not just about them repeating it and getting into trouble, they are nasty, hateful words which shouldn't even be in a child's mind in this day and age. If he cannot understand your stance on the subject, it's time to find alternative care for your children. I wouldn't stop him seeing his GC over it, but I would keep the visits supervised and end the visit if he speaks this way again.

He's about the same age as my dad. Now, my dad is a bit racist (he has lived in a very white area all his life, and is kind of a dick), but even he would know better than to use language like that.

Would people really suggest she stops him looking after them because of something he says. Yes he's totally wrong to use language like that but it's an ideal opportunity to explain to children how things have changed from when he was young and how that nowadays using certain words can have dire consequences.

He's an ignorant man but absolutely no threat to the children who are old enough to be taught right and wrong.

Stopping him looking after them is pure madness

My dad would be old enough to be your father's dad, and extremely old fashioned in his ways. He would never use derogatory language like that. And where he came from was so isolated that he would have been in his twenties before he met a person of colour.

Sorry. Its not age or being old fashioned. He's a racist. Don't let him teach your children this.

My dad is 72 and would have skelped me round the head if had used that term at any point in my life.

I would explain that either he never uses the term in front of your kids or the visits will stop. Ask him what he values more. Clinging onto outrageous language or his grandkids? He cant have both.

twocockers I absolutely would put a stop to him looking after them if he choose not to stop using disgustingly derogatory terms around them. OP can't control her father's attitude but she can control how much of that attitude her dc are exposed to.

Yes I agree 100% that he should stop using it now he's been challenged and made away by the mum that she doesn't want her children around that outdated language but the children are always going to come across people using racist, sexist, rude etc language and this is an ideal way to teach them how some people use bad / offensive language which isn't right and is certainly not to be used or repeated.

For the record I still think he should be allowed to look after them.

Why have you started two threads the same?

He's clearly not suitable to be around them unsupervised. You can't tell DS to ignore his racism in one breath then expect the child to listen to him in other things - best to just keep things formal. Racist abuse can get children expelled at the v minimum nowadays.

Your children will join you in telling him how wrong he is. They are old enough to understand and be outraged, so I don't think it will hurt them to spend time with him. They might even open his mind a bit.

I'm black and yes, your dad is racist. But what's very wrong about it all is that he isn't considering the 'new' world your DS is growing up into. One where he could lose friends and be rejected by his peers if he casually/unknowingly used such racist language. For this reason, I would advise you to seriously think about the time your dad spends with your son. If he talks this way in front of you, I fear it may be worse when you're not there. If your dad refuses to at least hide his opinions, even when threatened with reduced/no contact from his grandson, then that'd be a sad day. I choose to think your dad is better than that, so have a firm talk with him and tell him your expectations. You have a responsibility to you son to do so.

He isn't 'that' old to be excused.

I think, given that he's otherwise lovely, you might use it as a learning experience, both for DC and for him.

A private conversation for each. DGD needs to know how unacceptable what he's saying is. If he loves DC he won't want them to get into trouble or lose friends. DC to know that we all have our faults (in itself a good lesson. I was very surprised when I found out) and that DGD, however much they love him, is a racist. Tell them about getting into trouble yourself as a child for passing on racist nonsense. They may find that helpful. Then step back and check in with the DC from time to time. Being trusted is such a kick for growing DC.

My grandad who is also old saw my (mixed race son) for the first time when he was 4 mnths old. He said "I didn't know the baby was a Nword". One could excuse his ignorance with the he is old/different generation/hasnt seen many non white people before etc. In my case, I had to make a stand. The first one of what I suspect to be many. So I did.

We left and have never seen him since.

That's awful, Lndnmummy. I'm so sorry. But I'm guessing he had form for being a nasty bastard.

Lndnmummy good for you. No one, black OR white, should accept or excuse racist language or behaviour.