Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dad told my son using the N word is not bad.

85 replies

Whathappendexactly · 08/12/2016 09:52

I'm really annoyed. My 74 year DD has told my DS10 it's fine to call people by the N word. He then went on to say he's shocked there are so many of "them" on children's TV. This is over the dinner table! When I said it was totally unacceptable, told my Dad the consequences of using the word for my DS at school, he made out the world has gone mad and that we will all get arrested for being racists using normal words like this, he also told my DS that calling them C ( rhymes with goon not the other one ) is also fine.

Obviously I have had a talk to my DS and DD13 who was present when DS brought up the word.

My Dad is of a different generation. He's old and not that well and enjoys a few hours after school with my DS once a week. It also doubles as child care for me.

In all other ways my DD is a good kind man who would not hurt a fly but I can't put up with this can I?

Do I make other arrangements after school on this one day. Not actually sure what that would be other than stop working this day. After school provision is full.

If DS father hears this word from DS he will get into so much trouble and these weekly visits would stop instantly and I can't see how I could defend my DD to be honest because i'd have to agree.

A bit of back ground. When I was 15, I was asked to see the head teacher at school. I was acused of being racist to a friend who had complained. I had no idea what I had said wrong. In fact I had referred to the shop outside school by the word used by my Dad in thoses days. I had no idea how wrong it was. I had also used some other language earlier to another girl but to this day I have no idea what it was. I certainly didn't feel like I was being racist. The head teacher even remarked he was shocked I was sitting in front of him over such a matter. I don't want my children to use these words unintentionally as I did back then.

To my DD we have all gone "to far" the other way apparently and I'm cross about nothing.

OP posts:
Chewie1986 · 08/12/2016 13:36

Lndnmummy is there more to your story - you said perhaps it was because of ignorance/generation but suggests after that once incident you never saw him again.

Am I missing something?

Scarydinosaurs · 08/12/2016 13:37

74 is NOT old, my dad is more than ten years older and would find those words abhorrent. Don't put your children through what you did, by exposing them to this language and then feeling the disgust of others when they do.

Can you ask around friends and see if you could get a reciprocal deal going to sort out childcare?

Parkourbench · 08/12/2016 13:39

Your kids will know how unacceptable that language is.

It's right that you have made it clear it's not on. You have challenged his behaviour.

I don't think it's worth keeping them apart. In fact they will be so embarrassed of his awful views it will more than likely make them double sure never to repeat any of his language.

ComedyBoobs · 08/12/2016 13:43

OP, yes, your DDad is racist & as previous posters have said, it's not a generational thing.
No such thing as being a 'bit racist' either

5foot5 · 08/12/2016 13:49

Fortunately your DC are old enough to understand that sometimes otherwise nice people can have some nasty ideas. It would be very confusing for much younger children to try to come to terms with the fact that people we love can sometime do things that we hate, but now looks like the time for your children to learn that.

I wouldn't stop contact but I would make sure I had a very frank conversation with them and ensure that they know that Granddad's views on race are unacceptable and they should ignore or challenge anything he says on the subject.

Also at 13 and 10 I don't suppose you will really need the childcare for much longer so over time they will probably see less of him anyway.

Chewie1986 · 08/12/2016 13:51

ComedyBoobs

I dunno, my black girlfriend told my white dad that she was looking forward to her first white Christmas when we asked her to spend xmas with us a few years ago.

We all laughed.

Little bit racist though.

Lndnmummy · 08/12/2016 14:01

Well no not really. It is strange because he is the father of the most amazing, liberal, gentle and wise man I have ever met (my dad) so I was def taken aback by that comment.

He tried to redeem himself by saying that "noone had told me you were with a black man" and he is probably right. Why would anyone "tell him"? We have told my my ds is from the midlands, that he is a lawyer, that he likes football all that kind of thing. The fact that he is black is just not something that has been pointed out.

Anyway, I wasnt interested in finding an excuse or explanation for his behaviour. Rascism/homophobia/xenophia etc is a "one strike and your out" thing in my book. No exceptions.

ComedyBoobs · 08/12/2016 14:07

Chewie, I see your point. But to me saying someone is a 'bit racist' is like saying a corpse is a 'bit dead'.

DotForShort · 08/12/2016 14:07

As PPs have said, your dad is a racist and his age is no excuse. I would tell him, frankly and firmly, that racist language is unacceptable. If he can't stop using that language, then I would not send my child to his house unsupervised.

Also, I hope you have told your son that racism is wrong on a moral level, not just something that could potentially lead to negative consequences at school. It's the difference between saying, "Don't steal because it's wrong" vs. "Don't steal because you might get caught."

Chewie1986 · 08/12/2016 14:23

Lndnmummy seems a little extreme

When my gran met my gf, who she took to straight away, she said to my dad when she next saw him ;no-one told me she was black' my dad said 'why would they'.

The two get on swimmingly. My gran can probably count the number of black people she has had interaction with on one had.

I think if you can genuinely put it down to ignorance, especially of what terms are acceptable now compared to years ago (the dog in Dambusters was called N**r for example), then binning him off after one incident is a bit OTT in my opinion.

If you actually think he is properly racist then fair enough.

Lndnmummy · 08/12/2016 14:27

Of course, each to their own. My grandad and I were not very close to start with and live in separate countries so the not seeing eachother again is obviously easier than if we had lived in the same village.

BigChocFrenzy · 08/12/2016 14:35

I just posted on another thread about the sheer misery I suffered, continually being called "wog" at primary school in the 1960s.
I hated every day of school.

Please make sure your DS knows how dreadfully hurtful racist remarks would be, so he never uses such words to another child.
It's not just about the punishment he would suffer, but about the lasting hurt he could cause.

Graphista · 08/12/2016 14:44

Another saying the age is no excuse. My parents (late 60's) and grandparents (late 90's if they were still alive) would never use such language they certainly wouldn't defend if called on it either. Even my ex in laws (80's and very much daily mail types) wouldn't do this.

I'd stop the unsupervised contact for several reasons

The language
Because as well as the language he clearly sees non-Whites as 'other' and inferior even when not using the language (there's a lot of 'them' on kids tv)
That he tried to defend it (didn't see it was wrong)
That he was undermining you by behaving as if you were over reacting.
Because he doesn't care about his grandsons getting into a lot of trouble at school through his poor guidance
Because I wouldn't trust someone like this not to be even worse when I wasn't there.

It's not just racism it is trying to indoctrinate your boys to be racist too.

Softkitty2 · 08/12/2016 14:50

Its not an age thing and you shouldn't be excusing his attitude towards it as one. If your children pick this up it will be detrimental to them as they will be seen as 'racists' and as you know childrens views and opinions are often based on what they hear from their parents. You will be judged and rightly so.

Put an end to it. No buts no ifs.

ComedyBoobs · 08/12/2016 15:01

Me too BigChoc in the 70s & 80s Sad

DonaldStott · 08/12/2016 15:04

This 'different generation' bollocks doesn't wash with me. My mum is 70 and would find what your father said, abhorrent. Her friends and gusband and his friends are of much the same mindset. Your father is rascist. Age is no excuse.

ItsALLAboutMeMeMeMeME · 08/12/2016 15:13

If he'd used the word 'coloured' I'd point out it's not a pc term these days though it was once considered the polite way to describe people of color. The N and C words though, there has NEVER been a time when they were considered anything but racial slurs. NEVER.

I think you will struggle to explain to your dc that your father is a racist but you can't really can't excuse him to them on the grounds of age. And this is about more than warning your children not to use such words in places where 'they might get into trouble' for using them, this is about teaching your children not to use such words EVER because they are hateful and unacceptable as are the people who use them.

lizzieoak · 08/12/2016 15:24

Another mention that it's not age. If you hadn't said he has a lifelong habit of this, I would have suspected dementia. He's round about the same age as Mick Jagger. Would you expect men who came of age in the 60's to know better?

If my dad was alive he'd be 97. He most certainly would know better.

You can love your dad while accepting he's dreadful on this subject. I'm sure you know it's not age.

All the others have had good ideas about how to deal with it. Good luck with it: families, aye?

BigChocFrenzy · 08/12/2016 15:37

It isn't really age or generational attitudes:

My Arab mum married my dad just after WW2 and moved to the UK with him late 1940s.
His whole family welcomed her and have always been kind & respectful to her & me through the years.

Some people are naturally decent human beings, whereas others need to diminish anyone different, so they can feel superior themselves.
A small number naturally hate anyone different and would join any lynch mob, if they could get away with it.

BigChocFrenzy · 08/12/2016 15:39

ComedyBobs Sad I hope we don't slip back towards the bad old days

Prawnofthepatriarchy · 08/12/2016 15:40

I'd say you definitely can be a bit racist. When I was a kid in the 70s we used the term "Paki shop" as a description for one shop in a row of them. The shop was different from other local shops because it was open for far longer hours and had a wider selection of goods. The men who ran the shop were very friendly too. As a family we were impressed by the Paki shop. That level of customer service was a novelty to us. Mind you, I grew up in a very middle class town and never heard of any racist attacks or heard anyone using the term as an insult or attack. So for us it was just a description rather than anything negative. We rated that shop. Still wish we hadn't used the term now though, as hate to think of hurting people's feelings.

BigChocFrenzy · 08/12/2016 16:10

btw, if people didn't mean to offend and didn't know the usual terminology, then I'd never be insulted by old-fashioned terms like "coloured"
I only take offence when offence is intended

FrancisCrawford · 08/12/2016 17:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MrsTerryPratchett · 08/12/2016 17:30

I wouldn't leave my child with him.

And 'old' isn't an excuse. My dad used to say terrible homophobic things. But after decades of me arguing with him, introducing him to gay friends and a gay cousin coming out, he's now an ally.

Your dad is carrying on, and teaching your son to be a racist.

Footinmouthasusual · 08/12/2016 18:32

There's 2 threads on this and the other is longer it's too confusing