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AIBU?

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Original poster

Dad told my son using the N word is not bad.

85 replies

Whathappendexactly · 08/12/2016 09:52

I'm really annoyed. My 74 year DD has told my DS10 it's fine to call people by the N word. He then went on to say he's shocked there are so many of "them" on children's TV. This is over the dinner table! When I said it was totally unacceptable, told my Dad the consequences of using the word for my DS at school, he made out the world has gone mad and that we will all get arrested for being racists using normal words like this, he also told my DS that calling them C ( rhymes with goon not the other one ) is also fine.

Obviously I have had a talk to my DS and DD13 who was present when DS brought up the word.

My Dad is of a different generation. He's old and not that well and enjoys a few hours after school with my DS once a week. It also doubles as child care for me.

In all other ways my DD is a good kind man who would not hurt a fly but I can't put up with this can I?

Do I make other arrangements after school on this one day. Not actually sure what that would be other than stop working this day. After school provision is full.

If DS father hears this word from DS he will get into so much trouble and these weekly visits would stop instantly and I can't see how I could defend my DD to be honest because i'd have to agree.

A bit of back ground. When I was 15, I was asked to see the head teacher at school. I was acused of being racist to a friend who had complained. I had no idea what I had said wrong. In fact I had referred to the shop outside school by the word used by my Dad in thoses days. I had no idea how wrong it was. I had also used some other language earlier to another girl but to this day I have no idea what it was. I certainly didn't feel like I was being racist. The head teacher even remarked he was shocked I was sitting in front of him over such a matter. I don't want my children to use these words unintentionally as I did back then.

To my DD we have all gone "to far" the other way apparently and I'm cross about nothing.

OP posts:
Mouseinahole · 08/12/2016 18:32

I am 72 and would never ever use either of those words. My dh is 80 and less careful about what he says but even he would never use those words now though they were in common usage when we were children to the extent that n...brown was specified in my school uniform list in 1955.

Original poster
Whathappendexactly · 08/12/2016 18:49

Thanks foot. I had no idea so will go and see what is being said. Mouse in a hole. Thank you for you post. I am getting g a perspective I never had before. I always believed my Dad's views were a product of his time. In fact I am now coming to terms that the man I love and respect may well have a element of nastiness that can't be justified.

OP posts:
Original poster
Whathappendexactly · 08/12/2016 18:51

Foot, can you send me link or the title of the second thread. X

OP posts:
SallyGinnamon · 08/12/2016 19:17

I'd be clear to your DF and DS that this talk is unacceptable. But I wouldn't stop the visits. That's just one part of your dad. As you've said, he's someone that otherwise you love and respect in many other ways.

One set of my GPs were undoubtedly racist (although probably wouldn't have used those N and C words). They admitted it but felt they had their reasons. They worked hard and bought their house for cash in the 1960s. Nice area and two minutes walk to the shops all of which catered to people like them. Greengrocers/bakers/fishmonger/butcher for Sunday morning bacon etc.

But over time the demographic changed drastically and the shops changed hands. By the 2000s there wasn't a single shop they'd want to visit in walking distance (Halal butchers don't sell bacon!) but they couldn't afford to move. They were angry and resentful.

I certainly didn't stop visiting them and loving them. They weren't otherwise nasty people. Just very unhappy about the changes around them. They actually got on fine with close neighbours ironically, they just didn't like being outnumbered.

ElleMcElle · 08/12/2016 20:10

Agree with all those saying that he is racist and that age is no excuse.

Whatever his views, I find it very difficult to believe that he is unaware that the language he's using is unacceptable - unless he has been living under a rock, this cannot possibly be news to him. Is he deliberately trying to wind you up / start an argument?

Have you told him about the time you got in trouble at school for using racist language without realising what you were doing? Realistically, you are unlikely to change his views at this stage (unfortunately - not that it isn't worth trying!), but if he cares about you and his grandchildren, this might at least give him another reason not to use those words around you / your kids.

Itchyclit · 08/12/2016 20:20

Go 100% no contact. Immediately. Don't let your child be poisoned by these views.

Original poster
Whathappendexactly · 08/12/2016 20:26

Itchy. No way but thank you for your post. X

OP posts:
YNK · 08/12/2016 20:36

Talk to your children about it, use it as a discussion point.
More than that, use it as an example for your children so they can disengage without confrontation.
It's a useful skill to be able to deflect offensive behaviour without escalating tensions.

WallisofWindsor · 08/12/2016 20:46

I don't want my children using these words unintentionally.......

PLEASE DO EXPLAIN YOURSELF!!!!! Shock

ThePeoplesChamp · 08/12/2016 20:53

Unacceptable. Recently I had an episode where I had to pull a 50+ 'lady' out of my husbands face in a shop while she screamed that he was a 'fcking black bstard' (he's mixed race and ..... to me, quite dashing with it haha! often told he looks like Thierry Henry, he's also highly educated, a former criminal barrister, church volunteer and the furthest thing from a b*stard!)

Anyhooo I stepped in the middle to get her finger out of his face and told her she was racist. Her response was 'I am NOT a ray-schist'

MY father makes the same mis-pronounciation. And has some questionable views.

I guess my point is people of an older (even only by 20 years) seem to think anything less than riding a horse while wearing a bedsheet and burning anyone they dont indentify as white is fine. Its not. Name calling is unacceptable, and we need to stop tolerating it.

Crumbs1 · 08/12/2016 20:54

My mother is 92 and would never use such words. She would recognise them as racist. Why would your father even be discussing it with your children. Your kids are also old enough to understand it is never acceptable - tell them them to tell your father they hate it when he speaks like that.

SallyGinnamon · 08/12/2016 20:55

I don't want my children using these words unintentionally.......as I did myself.

Read the first post again. The OP did explain how she'd used words that she'd heard at home without thinking about it. She doesn't want her DC to think of these words as just normal as she had herself.

Queenie2004 · 08/12/2016 21:46

Your Dad is a racist, sorry using that word and telling your boys to use it is unacceptable. Older generation my foot Hmm

lizzieoak · 08/12/2016 22:35

Peopleschamp, not sure how old you are, but I can assure you that your generation did not invent anti-racism. Your 50+ lady (my age) could find (unfortunately) some teenage racists to keep company with. It seriously is not a condition caused by age, nor one that people of a certain age are in a comfort zone with. In the 60's, yes, you could say that, but not in 2016.

littlesallyracket · 09/12/2016 01:08

Have to agree that it's not an age thing. My parents are 74 and 72 and would a) never use those words and b) be furious if they heard their grandchildren use them.

I think you need a serious talk with your dad and with your children. You can't stop him holding these attitudes but you can tell him he is absolutely not to talk to your children in those terms, ever. And you can tell your kids very firmly why grandad is wrong.

OzzieFem · 09/12/2016 02:21

Reminds me of the time my sister and I used to take a neighbours black labrador for a walk, he was called n-. Somehow he got loose when we were walking through estate housing and we were calling him when a young brown skinned lad on a bike came up to us and asked why we were calling him {the boy) n--. We then explained about the dog and the boy rode off.

It was only when we got home, returned the dog to our neighbour, then told our mum about the incidence (still confused), she explained the word n- to us. We were completely ooh! we hadn't realized at the time the boy thought we were calling him a n-- or what it meant, besides being a dogs name.

This was fifty odd years ago, so I don't think it can be a generational thing, unless you consider the fact that there were less coloured people in UK then, so they stood out in a crowd, whereas today in some parts of the country it's the so called whites who are in the minority. Perhaps it's a territorial reflex which causes the majority to pick on the minority?

OP Perhaps you should suggest to your dad that he pull his head in and ask him how he is going to react if your daughter, or in later years your son fell in love and wanted to marry someone he classified as a n-.

DarkNanny · 09/12/2016 02:37

Lots of rap songs use racist language black on black racism but apparently it's not racism if it's like that, just use it as a social lesson of change we have evolved and no longer use those words but apparently in songs we do...

MrsTerryPratchett · 09/12/2016 04:20

There is a history of an oppressed people using the name of their oppression to 'reclaim' it. The N word and Q words (for gay people). The band N.W.A. use that word to define who they are outside the system that oppresses them.

Now I get why some people object to people dropping N words in songs for shock value. But there was a real reason some rappers used the N word. Same reason women started calling themselves, "nasty women" during the presidential race.

876TaylorMade · 09/12/2016 04:48

He is racist... no ifs buts or maybes... he is racist. Age is a poor excuse to use, it is not generational and you have young people in 2016 who are racist.

You need to have a talk with your father, who knows what he has said or told your children when you are not there. People have the propensity to change but he seems adamant and unrepentant so I doubt that... this is the man that will help to influence your children's views on people who are not white. They may never use the words but these things can stay with people and impact they way they socialise with other members in society.

I'm trying to understand when you said "you don't want your children to use the words unintentionally... the way you did". I maybe reading a bit much into it, but shouldn't it say I don't want them using the words!

He might be a nice, lovely man etc. But I suspect that is only to a certain kind of person and that courtesy would not be extended to non-whites. So maybe you need to reevaluate your father... yes he is your father... but he sounds like a nasty man.
OP the choice is yours really... and I doubt me or PP pointing out his racism will have much of an impact on you or your views of your "dear father".

And you cannot be a little bit racist... you either are or you are not! There isn't a margin for acceptable racism Hmm. Unless there is something I am missing.

Your father sounds like the man & co. my DH and I encountered over the summer when we went out for lunch. He sat with his wife and grandchildren... we walked in with our DD (8 months at the time) and were forced to leave because N words are not welcomed in this country... it is a white Anglo Saxon country.... he was so upset he refused to eat... we were asked to leave!!! My DH was livid. It was embarrassing, my presence in a public space upset this man... now you tell me how his grandchildren will interpret that. I know these people will eventually die and take their views with them, but what will his grandchildren make of it... what will be their views etc in the future.

876TaylorMade · 09/12/2016 04:53

The*

To add.. I'm black my DH is white.

ocelot41 · 09/12/2016 04:54

A couple of incidents made me realise my F is racist. It is a very hard thing to come to terms with. We don't see him much tbh

Clandestino · 09/12/2016 05:50

My fath has prrobably never. met a muslim in his life and has never spoken to a black person. On his FB he posts and reposts shit about Islam danger, immigrants coming to rape girls, stories about asylum seekers in Germany breaking legs of boys who didn't want to convert and raping young. children.
All told by guaranteed and genuinee eye witnesses.
He is a racist and a homophobe and an idiot. I am almost NC with him.

ocelot41 · 09/12/2016 06:06

Ewwww Clandestino. That's horrible.

SharkBastard · 09/12/2016 06:14

My DM is 73 and she's never utter a racial slant in her whole life. She lived in Kentucky in the 50's, she saw first hand the horror of fear and ignorance.

Your father is not of that 'generation' he is racist not excuse, not 'buts'. You need to keep your children away from such toxicity. Stop the spread of ignorance and racism

Squashberry · 09/12/2016 06:20

He is racist. You seem more concerned about your child getting in trouble at school for saying it than the fact its been said at all. Its racist, its wrong. If it were me I'd tell DF unless he changed his appalling views then he is not to be around the children, especially if he's going to tell them something like that is okay, when it's absolutely not.