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AIBU?

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Original poster

Dad told my son using the N word is not bad.

80 replies

Whathappendexactly · 08/12/2016 09:48

I'm really annoyed. My 74 year DD has told my DS10 it's fine to call people by the N word. He then went on to say he's shocked there are so many of "them" on children's TV. This is over the dinner table! When I said it was totally unacceptable, told my Dad the consequences of using the word for my DS at school, he made out the world has gone mad and that we will all get arrested for being racists using normal words like this, he also told my DS that calling them C ( rhymes with goon not the other one ) is also fine.

Obviously I have had a talk to my DS and DD13 who was present when DS brought up the word.

My Dad is of a different generation. He's old and not that well and enjoys a few hours after school with my DS once a week. It also doubles as child care for me.

In all other ways my DD is a good kind man who would not hurt a fly but I can't put up with this can I?

Do I make other arrangements after school on this one day. Not actually sure what that would be other than stop working this day. After school provision is full.

If DS father hears this word from DS he will get into so much trouble and these weekly visits would stop instantly and I can't see how I could defend my DD to be honest because i'd have to agree.

A bit of back ground. When I was 15, I was asked to see the head teacher at school. I was acused of being racist to a friend who had complained. I had no idea what I had said wrong. In fact I had referred to the shop outside school by the word used by my Dad in thoses days. I had no idea how wrong it was. I had also used some other language earlier to another girl but to this day I have no idea what it was. I certainly didn't feel like I was being racist. The head teacher even remarked he was shocked I was sitting in front of him over such a matter.

To my DD we have all gone "to far" the other way apparently and I'm cross about nothing.

OP posts:
ChasedByBees · 08/12/2016 09:51

I wouldn't be able to use him as childcare after this, no. He would be a terrible influence.

ChasedByBees · 08/12/2016 09:54

Also, why does your dad think that it is OK for him to decide that we've gone too far the other way? Many people find these words extremely offensive. Your dad sees his right to use those words as more important than any ones actual experiences. This isn't just about words, it's about other people mattering less to him.

theothersideoftheworld · 08/12/2016 09:55

My dad is 75 and I have never heard him say words like that. It's not necessarily a generation thing. I really wouldn't let my children spend any alone time with someone who is going to teach them that these racist and offensive words are ok. They are not.

TheMortificadosDragon · 08/12/2016 09:58

He's not that old.

Whether you can continue to let your DS be with him unsupervised depends on your DSs maturity- is he capable of working out that a term is racist and unacceptable (whether he calls your DF on it or not)?

WouldHave · 08/12/2016 09:59

I agree it's not a generational thing and, frankly, your father is not a good kind man if he thinks it acceptable to refer to other people this way. I think it's very risky to let him continue to look after your children on his own, because if they take in any of what he says and regurgitate it at school they will encounter the sort of problems you did, but even more so.

Cherryskypie · 08/12/2016 10:01

My parents are a couple of years younger than your father. Their cousins and siblings range to 7 years older than your father. They would never use those words. Ever. Your father isn't 'of a different generation' he's a racist.

EmzDisco · 08/12/2016 10:04

It's obviously not good at all your Dad holds these views and thinks it acceptable to use those words, but if he can't see that he will get your son in trouble by tracing him thee words and encouraging him to use them that is really worrying.

These words are really shocking to hear, even in your post you've not actually typed them out, that's how unacceptable you know them to be and how unacceptable you know others find them. I would have to say if your Dad can't keep these words and views to himself around your very impressionable ages son he should not be around him, especially by himself. you know yourself the consequences of knowing and using that kind of language from your own childhood, it's not fair to knowingly putyour child in the same position.

user1470997562 · 08/12/2016 10:08

I would stress to DD that it is totally unacceptable. It's considered gross misconduct with immediate dismissal in companies I've worked for to use those words. Even just once. I would really try and get that through to your DD.

quencher · 08/12/2016 10:10

He would not hurt a fly as long as they are not white.

By accepting the usage of the word he is already and potentially going to scar someone for life by making them feel like they

  1. don't belong
  2. worthless
  3. there is something wrong with them
  4. not good enough to be treated like any other person 5 etc

Please don't use the crap about his age or his generation.
Am sure he has managed to change in other ways throughout the years. It's the belief that he does not want to change because that would remove him from thinking he is superior. The same applies to some people his age group.
If he can tell which way he is going when walking down the road I have no sympathy for him.
If he can tell that it's not acceptable or pc and he decides not to change, thats nothing to do with his age. The fact he understands it's wrong but decides to defend it is what boils my piss.

KitNeutron · 08/12/2016 10:12

My grandparents wouldn't have used those words. His generation doesn't excuse him. And the fact that he thinks there are "so many of them on tv" is more indication that he is actually racist.

Your children would (rightly so) be in a whole world of trouble for using those words at school, and saying they heard it from grandad wouldn't make the slightest bit of difference.

TheMortificadosDragon · 08/12/2016 10:12

If the OP had put the word in full, the post or thread would have been deleted or at least edited.

LunaLoveg00d · 08/12/2016 10:16

Your dad is a similar age to my parents and they would never use that sort of language. They know how offensive it is. My mum does sometimes use "coloured" instead of black/Asian but that is because over times terminology has changed and she hasn't kept up with the times. My grandfather - who would be well over 100 now if he were alive - used the N word and i remember being shocked by it as a teenager and telling him off for it.

FIL is a different kettle of fish - he is very racist, sexist, homophobic, anti-semitic and every other sort of prejudiced you can think about. We had to to take the kids out of the room when we were all watching Strictly as you can imagine what he had to say about Ore, Lesley Joseph and Judge Rinder. He KNOWS he's offending people with what he says but he doesn't care. He is not a pleasant person in a lot of ways and MIL will not stand up to him and tell him how awful he is being. We have repeatedly told him off for expressing his opinions in front of the kids, who are luckily bright enough to take him to task over it. Hate these sorts of attitudes.

Finola1step · 08/12/2016 10:16

My FIL is the same age as your Dad. My Dad was older when he passed away. Both children of WW2, like your Dad. Both young lads when the Windrush arrived and many young people from the Caribbean made the journey to these shores at the invitation of the Government. Your Dad grew up with this. This is not a generational issue. This is a racism issue.

How you deal with that, I do not know. But part of accepting that his views come from racism rather than age is probably an important first step.

MarieBurnham · 08/12/2016 10:18

My grandparents used it, they would be in their 90s now. We did just ignore it, you just have to look back a literature to know its was common place then.

What is confusing is you have people like Beyonce that use the word all the time!

EmzDisco · 08/12/2016 10:20

I did wonder what the MN policy is on those words, in any case I would feel uncomfortable saying or writing them even in the context of this kind of discussion, they are that offensive and as I say shocking.

WouldHave · 08/12/2016 10:23

My parents in their 90s would never use words like that.

Cherryskypie · 08/12/2016 10:24

'What is confusing is you have people like Beyonce that use the word all the time!'

Really? Really? Hmm

LunaLoveg00d · 08/12/2016 10:26

I think there is also a very regional bias to this. Windrush and Caribbean immigration in the 50s/60s was very much to the large cities in England - London, Birmingham, Manchester. When I was growing up in the 1970s/1980s there was not one Afro-Caribbean child in my huge secondary school. Few Asian kids but no black kids. You just did not see black faces, and this was in a large city. My grandparents, who grew up in a very small rural town, never saw black people ever. It's really not true that everyone of our parents generation or older grew up in a multicultural society.

Having said all that, I still managed to grow up knowing that racial slurs were a bad thing and unacceptable.

Nanny0gg · 08/12/2016 10:28

My Dad is of a different generation.

Same one as my DH who would never use those words.

The generation that would more likely have (some, not all) would be the one before that.

Totally unacceptable.

Boogers · 08/12/2016 10:31

We've had exactly this conversation from FIL with the DCs, also over the table at Sunday lunch. We have varied conversations at the table, and we've agreed to disagree on some things, like Brexit and Ched Evans etc, and I try and diplimatically change the subject to something less contentious, but when FIL uses the n word or the p word my backbone straightens and I make it clear that those words are not acceptable any more, that they're deeply offensive to a lot of people and that the DCs should never use them as they will get into a lot of trouble if they do, not least from me. This usually stops the conversation, and H agrees with me and also steers the conversation to something else. OP, you also need to take this approach. Pick your battles wisely, but this is definitely one to pick.

Original poster
Whathappendexactly · 08/12/2016 10:33

These are harsh words to read about my Dad who in any other way is decent. But I accept your views. He would not hurt anyone of any creed or culture, he would infact help them in any way he could and thenjoy ironically use the same language about them afterward. He would be stunned by this reaction and given his age and health I'm not going to share this with him.

I am going to keep on at him to change his views and his language. I did that night in fact. I went back to his home after the children wentry home. He agreed to not use those words but I'm still not sure I can trust him I had to give him a list of other words and views on all kinds of cultures and people thst are not acceptable.

I chose not to use the specific words in my post as they make me feel sick and I could not bring myself to type them. I wasn't trying to avoid any censorship.

OP posts:
Original poster
Whathappendexactly · 08/12/2016 10:33

The word joy was a typo

OP posts:
EmzDisco · 08/12/2016 10:33

There were no black people in the village I grew up in either, however for the last few decades we have had TV, newspapers etc, most people of all ages have realised these words offended people and most people don't want to offend people, so don't use them. It's quite straight forward really.

And def Hmm at the Beyoncé comment...

bookeatingboy · 08/12/2016 10:38

My father is 84 and would never use this type of language so blaming this on a generational thing is complete tosh IMO.

Your father has always used this language hasn't he so why has nobody challenged him over the years, this is the reason he still uses it.

If this was my father my children would not be around him. Children are not born with racists views, they are taught these views by those around them, sadly many of them grow up to be racists, again IMO.

Cherryskypie · 08/12/2016 10:43

I hope he changes the language he uses.

There are plenty of people who are racists who don't use racist language, at least in company. Maybe the reverse is true and ignorance and stubbornness can lead to people using the language of racism without having the hate inside them.

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