Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to ask for more sex...

427 replies

PseudoDad · 07/12/2016 20:45

Now I've got your attention with the thread - I need some advice from ladies/couples.

I've been married to my wife for 6 years. We have a wonderful son who is 18 months old. I am happy in every aspect of life except one...the bedroom.

Since our son was conceived almost 2 1/2 years ago we have had sex just 5 times. Prior to this, we weren't at it like rabbits but I was very happy with twice a week.

We both work hard jobs and as you know it can be exhausting bringing up a child. However, going up to 6 months without sex just isn't enough for me. My wife is a wonderful woman in every way. I think she is beautiful and has kept her looks/figure perfectly after our baby. She is the only woman I want. Its due to this though that I feel so down about the whole thing.

I've tried talking to her about this - but its hard without coming across as the total nob of a husband who is pushing for sex. I understood her concerns when she was pregnant and the fact she needed a break after birth - but when is enough enough?

How should I approach this in a way that respects my wife - but stops this eating away at me?

A x

OP posts:
TheNaze73 · 08/12/2016 08:16

I think whatallama hit the nail on the head.

Trifleorbust · 08/12/2016 08:21

OnionKnight: Obviously it's reductive to suggest doing housework will magically fix the issue. I think that question comes up on the context of people trying to a) understand how well supported the wife is and whether she is struggling with exhaustion/feeling taken for granted and b) trying to encourage the OP to reflect on issues outside the sex issue, because those have a big impact on libido.

TrishanFlips · 08/12/2016 08:21

YANBU. Sex is an important part of marriage and I fear yours is doomed unless you can sort this out. You have to communicate. Tell he how much you love her and want the marriage to work but feel that a marriage without sex is a sham and not something you can continue indefinitely. It is making you so unhappy. Find out exactly why she does not want sex anymore. Then see if she will agree to sex once a week, e.g. Saturday night is sex night, when you both make a big effort. Then don't pressurise her on any other night although you can still cuddle other nights but don't take it any further. Perhaps on sex night give each other a massage first to relax. Find out what she likes. Good luck. Definitely not fair on you to be without sex and horrible to think that this might end an otherwise good marriage especially when you have a child. But I don't think the current situation is sustainable.

Trifleorbust · 08/12/2016 08:21

*in

Trifleorbust · 08/12/2016 08:22

but feel that a marriage without sex is a sham

Whatever you say, don't say sham.

KirstyB87 · 08/12/2016 08:22

I think there might be some deep feelings inside your wife that need addressing, especially if it's been going on for a while... I have a 19 month old and I go through stages myself but DH and I have sex quite regularly (3-5 times a week apart from THAT time) as we feel that the connection is so important to us and it's 'us' time. We don't get to go out and have meals and date nights so I guess this is our way of making special time for us.

Maybe look into couples therapy to help bring up the reasons why your wife is closing herself off from you or what she requires from you to help her get back her mojo... Perhaps she's just feeling very self confident about her body since your baby was born?

Just a few thoughts and I hope you get it sorted :)

Trifleorbust · 08/12/2016 08:22

And don't try to arrange a 'sex night' - double urgh.

drinkingchanelno5 · 08/12/2016 08:23

YANBU. But this is mumsnet where many seem to think they are being completely reasonable to never want sex again after children. As if one person's need and desire for sex with their spouse isn't as important as one person's desire to never do it again. Good luck.

OnionKnight · 08/12/2016 08:24

But why is it when a woman posts about her husband's apparent lack of sex drive she's told that he's having an affair or to get snooping etc?

She's never asked about how much housework she does.

Trifleorbust · 08/12/2016 08:27

OnionKnight: I assume it's because there is a stereotype that men want sex irrespective of the emotional state of their relationships and women don't, and that women tend to have lower sex drives overall. This leads to a more ready assumption that a man whose drive has declined is cheating, whereas a woman whose drive has declined is either emotionally withdrawn because she feels unsupported, or has gone off sex full stop.

OnionKnight · 08/12/2016 08:33

Well you know what they say about stereotypes Smile

Trifleorbust · 08/12/2016 08:34

OnionKnight: Of course it's a stereotype but it explains the disparity.

NavyandWhite · 08/12/2016 08:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Trifleorbust · 08/12/2016 08:39

NavyandWhite: Does it really baffle you? I think it's because a great many men expect women to be endless empathy fountains. Not that that's never the case the other way around, of course, but women are so typically seen as the 'caring sex' that MN might, to some, seem like a good place to come for a bit of reassurance?

Shame it's such a snake pit really.

NavyandWhite · 08/12/2016 08:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Shirleyucantbeserious · 08/12/2016 08:52

Name changed for this. Op I'm in exactly the same position as you except I'm a woman. Dh went off sex as soon as those 2lines appeared. No sex all through pregnancy then perhaps every couple of months. Started trying for a second and quite frankly was made to feel like it was the biggest effort to have sex once a month and he started suffering performance issues. I know you're a man and therefore on mn you're bound to be wrong but no one seems to acknowledge the rejection and humiliation that comes with constant sexual rejection, the lack of self worth you feel as well as the unmet need. I ended up feeling unattractive and undesirable, resenting my DH and dreaming of leaving but everything else in the relationship was good. Trying to talk about it seemed to make things worse like I was piling on more pressure. After 4years do you know what I did? (Perfectly aware I'll be flamed) I had an affair. Suddenly I felt desirable again, someone wanted me and we had great sex. It saved my marriage. I suddenly realised I wasn't really communicating what I needed in bed, I had become mentally obsessed with getting a shag, I learned to grasp any opportunity I had for sex no longer waiting till 11 pm in bed when we were knackered. Having the self worth to take a bit more care of myself again. I knew I could trust the person I had the affair with he was in a similar boat but had been going on a lot longer. We both wanted to save our relationships but the lack of sex was affecting our mental health. Sex in a relationship is not just about a physical thing. Trust me doing house work is not the answer (if it is get a cleaner!) I work part time and those days off you can do the chores with a toddler. I'm not sure what jobs people have in here but looking after a little person is a lot easier than my job.

RhiWrites · 08/12/2016 08:56

OP, I think you've done all the obvious things. The change of tack six months ago was a good idea.

The time has come for counselling. Your wife needs to know the effect the lack of intimacy is having on you. She needs to listen to you with the same respect and understanding you have given her.

growapear · 08/12/2016 08:57

As usual OP you are getting some fucking absolutely ridiculous answers here. You are in a sexless marriage. You sound like the only one even willing to admit there is a problem, you can keep trying if you want, but it takes two people to want a sex life for there to be one, it sounds rather like your wife has got what she wanted from you.

girlwiththeflaxenhair · 08/12/2016 09:00

I think it's because a great many men expect women to be endless empathy fountains.

No actually, they have the crazy idea that their partner might fancy them and occasionally want to have sex. Thank god you are here to remind them how outlandish this idea actually is !

girlwiththeflaxenhair · 08/12/2016 09:01

as if doing more housework will make his wife horny and want to jump his bones,

Spot on.

Trifleorbust · 08/12/2016 09:04

girlwiththeflaxenhair: I didn't say anything remotely like that.

myoriginal3 · 08/12/2016 09:14

You see her as an object.

She's not an object.

Leave her and see how often you manage to get laid.

myoriginal3 · 08/12/2016 09:17

'Your wife needs to know' Angry

Give her a good talking to followed by a good seeing to.

I hate these threads.

Blossomdeary · 08/12/2016 09:18

Desire waxes and wanes throughout life and throughout a marriage, and it is hard when the two partners become mis-matched at some point - commonly after childbirth.

I think you need to talk to her about it in a way that does not put her under pressure. Say how much you want to share loving caresses and hugs and cuddles so you can feel close to her - but that this will only lead to sex if she chooses it. It is often a lack of intimacy rather than sex itself that leads to this decline. Be clear when you go to hug her that this is a "no strings" hug, so that she does not shy away because she does not know where this is leading. It is also a fact that some women relate differently to their genitalia after childbirth - it takes on a different meaning apart from the erotic.

Communication is the key - don't expect her to be a mind-reader!

It is important that you do not build up resentments and feel as though she is deliberately rejecting you personally; she is just responding to a major change in her life - imagine if someone had dragged a tennis ball out of your penis! - you might look at it a bit differently - and after this ordeal you are subjected to the torture of months of sleep deprivation, as well as the huge responsibility (and potential anxiety) of keeping a new and helpless person safe. There are also big hormonal and emotional changes - childbirth is a very profound experience on every level.

Please do NOT set aside a night for sex - this will put her under more pressure and is the last thing that you need!

You sound like a decent chap who is faced with a very common dilemma. Most marriages weather this and find a way through - the key is for her not to feel under pressure and above all to feel loved.

Tryingtostayyoung · 08/12/2016 09:22

OP I actually feel quite sorry for you I think your getting flamed for something that would bother a lot of people, men and women.
All through my pregnancy DH and I were still completely sexually active (apart from the last few months) then we had DD and the sex was great BUT all of a sudden around 6months later we both realised it had literally disappeared, I think for around 2 1/2 years we must have only had sex around 4/5 times then all of a sudden my sex drive came back but DH just wasn't interested, it was completely and utterly depressing, I felt unwanted, unattractive and unloved. After having numerous open and honest conversations we are finally in a really good place, we have sex I would say on average 1/2times a week, sometimes more, sometimes less. I think the key here is communication, have you considered going to therapy? It would help for you to understand each other better. I know that the reason I didn't want to have sex for so long was because I was just tired, emotionally and physically, we were going through a lot of change in our lives and I think it took a mental toll on me. We didn't even have sex on our wedding night and only once on our honeymoon. Things can and will turn around BUT you need to talk to each other better about this.