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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask if my husband has adequate time to himself

110 replies

Lennon80 · 06/12/2016 19:56

Hi ladies, I have a six year old a nine month old and a baby on the way. I don't have any family support as my mum died when I was pregnant with my nine month old. Today my husband said he is leaving his job thatvhe has been in a matter of weeks as the work and commute (3hour round trip) is too much and said he wants a sixth month sabbatical. He plays tennis roughly once a week and goes to the gym once or twice a week. He said he also wants to do a Spanish class in the evening. Can I ask how much time your husbands spend out of the home at evenings and doing what as he thinks other men have a totally different life. Thanks

OP posts:

Original poster

Lennon80 · 06/12/2016 19:58

Oh he also said he feels very dissatisfied and has no pleasure in his life and cited me attending a breastfeeding group and taking the kids to the library as 'things I do' as I don't go out on nights out.

OP posts:

Middleoftheroad · 06/12/2016 19:59

The question is, do you get the same free time?
My DH doesn't get much time to himself. I wish he'd go out more. But if he suggested that many hobbies/leisure time I'd rather we go out.
Sorry to hear about your mother. That sounds hard

Happyoutlook · 06/12/2016 20:00

None unless you count the drive to work and back

Sleepybunny · 06/12/2016 20:03

Wow!

DH works away two days a week, and 6-5pm 3 days, but off Sat and Sun.
He cycles or runs on a Sunday morning unless we have a family activity planned. He goes to an evening class one day a week and fits the gym in most days during his lunch break.
He has the odd night out with friends maybe once or twice a month.

I guess none of the specifics are really relevant though. It all depends on your family and lifestyles. So long as it's fair and balanced and everyone is happy it doesn't matter wha hobbies, how often or when.

LumpySpacedPrincess · 06/12/2016 20:04

Why is he confusing breastfeeding and taking the kids out as you time? Is he a bit thick? I take it his time doesn't involve cooking for his children or taking them out on trips.

Can you afford for him to give up work?

SharpLily · 06/12/2016 20:05

"cited me attending a breastfeeding group and taking the kids to the library as 'things I do' "

This is where he loses any sympathy I might have had for him.

annielouise · 06/12/2016 20:06

Can he walk straight back into work after the six month sabbatical? Also, do you have savings to cover the time off as I don't think if you make yourself unemployed you can claim benefits. If you have a mortgage too I doubt that would be paid. What's his plans for this?

Saying that a 3 hour a day commute can't be much fun. Not sure when your baby is due but could he hold off until it's born, perhaps a few months after or ideally about six months and take paternity leave or if he's insistent on the sabbatical could you swap roles when the baby is six months old? It might be the solution if all he needs is a change. It would be a way to keep money coming in.

YouTheCat · 06/12/2016 20:06

He's left his job with nothing else to go to and wants to take evening classes and go to the gym? And he classes things you do with your children as your leisure time?

Tell him to fuck right off and find another job or to leave.

Clarabellb · 06/12/2016 20:06

He sounds charming

Breastfeeding class and library with the kids are your 'things'...

My DH said I get to go for coffees...I almost decked him

YANBU

5000candlesinthewind · 06/12/2016 20:06

Dh gets 3 evenings completely to himself so he goes to the gym etc then.
He has a night out with his friends at least once a month.

No other regular time out

Note3 · 06/12/2016 20:06

Pre children my DH had more hobbies and time to pursue interests. When the children were very small (first yr or 2) he only went out every 2 or so weeks to see friends. Now the children are a bit older he has two clubs he attends in the eve each wk and goes for occasional whole day out at weekend (every 6ish weeks).

I do not get this myself. Since having first child he has said I should take time for myself but either I've been breastfeeding or he's been stressy about being on his own with the children so I've had very few evenings or days out. Apparently they belong in the box with lie ins entitled "haha you wish"

Whatgives · 06/12/2016 20:07

Do you have any time to do things on your own like he has? Surely no one is stupid enough to think doing stuff with kids is the same as having hobbies you go off and of on your own or with adults?

My dh would get some response if he said that to me.

My husband works 6 days a week and plays soccer for an hour a week and I think he's doing well to get that as we have young kids.

Original poster

Lennon80 · 06/12/2016 20:07

I see my friends in the context of being on maternity leave and some days they pop in but I don't have any hobbies or go out. I will have to give up work as paying for two babies childcare won't be worth it.

OP posts:

SilentBatperson · 06/12/2016 20:08

Less than your DH gets, more than you have I'll bet.

Your DH is obviously being a stupid twat saying that you taking the kids to the library counts as you time, but I'm wondering what the connection is between that and him quitting his job? Fwiw I'd be pretty wrecked by a 3 hour commute each day too. So maybe him stopping work and finding something more local would actually free up more time for you to have a break, though of course this would also be reliant on him recognising that doing childcare in a different location is not time off. And can you afford the 6 months off?

AnyFucker · 06/12/2016 20:08

Is he going to grow a pony tail and a ratty little goatee too ?

What a prick

SharpLily · 06/12/2016 20:16

I think the simplest solution is to agree with him - then you go back to work full time. Swap roles. Let him enjoy some 'me time' at breastfeeding club and the library. I estimate within about a month he'll be begging to return to how things were before!

Marzipants · 06/12/2016 20:17

My DH does a massive amount but he tends to do it in the evenings or early on the weekend so it doesn't interfere too much with family time. He swims twice a week in the evening, goes for a long (3 hr) bike ride on the weekend (but leaves before 9 so is back for lunch) and runs once or twice a week too. But he always does the school drop off in the morning, does bed and bath if he's not working and doesn't go "out out" any more. He also works a 4 day week so he has a day solely with the kids so I can go out on the evening.

It's a lot but I don't mind too much. He has a stressful job and all the exercise helps him manage his stress. - -Don't look to shabby either... - -

TaraCarter · 06/12/2016 20:22

I will have to give up work as paying for two babies childcare won't be worth it.

Why? He'll be at home- he can care for the children.

Marzipants · 06/12/2016 20:22

Out of interest how does he commute? Lots of changing and standing would be exhausting for three hours, but if he's just sitting on a train I have no sympathy.

Although if you can afford it then a six month sabbatical sounds quite nice, providing it isn't due to end before the baby comes!

Msqueen33 · 06/12/2016 20:23

He does realise he's not retiring doesn't he?! Seriously. Did he discuss this beforehand? My dh works late most days and doesn't appear before eight thirty leaving me with three kids between 8-4 two of whom have Sen. He goes out once/twice a week and to be honest I find even that hard going as I'm a sahm and the kids with Sen are very hard work.

Yes a three hour a day commute isn't ideal but jacking in his job so he can basically be a retired person isn't the answer. He's being totally unreasonable. I'd get a job and leave him with the kids.

Dozer · 06/12/2016 20:24

Resigning without consulting you?!

GoofyTheHero · 06/12/2016 20:26

Surely he'll be looking after the kids with his 6 month sabbatical? Why would you need childcare when he's at home?
We have 2 very young children. DH is away with work usually 2 nights a week. The nights he has in a hotel with no children waking him up are his 'time to himself'!

AndNoneForGretchenWieners · 06/12/2016 20:31

My DH works shifts. He rarely has any time to himself - but this doesn't seem to worry him. Early on in our relationship he would go to the pub most weekends but would usually take me with him. Since we moved house just after our son was born 16 years ago he has stopped going out and socialising unless we are together. He says this is what he wants, although I occasionally go out with my sister or friends and wish he would do the same - can't force him to though!

GardenGeek · 06/12/2016 20:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Baylisiana · 06/12/2016 20:40

You should just tell him that this is a relief to you, you will not have to give up work and he can enjoy the all the me time of looking after three children.

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