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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask if my husband has adequate time to himself

110 replies

Lennon80 · 06/12/2016 19:56

Hi ladies, I have a six year old a nine month old and a baby on the way. I don't have any family support as my mum died when I was pregnant with my nine month old. Today my husband said he is leaving his job thatvhe has been in a matter of weeks as the work and commute (3hour round trip) is too much and said he wants a sixth month sabbatical. He plays tennis roughly once a week and goes to the gym once or twice a week. He said he also wants to do a Spanish class in the evening. Can I ask how much time your husbands spend out of the home at evenings and doing what as he thinks other men have a totally different life. Thanks

OP posts:
Original poster
Lennon80 · 06/12/2016 21:52

Our savings could see us through six months -but no guarantees he would walk back into work

OP posts:
annielouise · 06/12/2016 21:57

Better he does it this time next year. The baby will be about six months and he can take over child care and you can work. I doubt that will appeal to him though. He can't just opt out. He either works in a job or he becomes the main child carer. There's no third choice of dossing around while you do all the child care and he enjoys himself with no money coming in. That's life.

gingerh4ir · 06/12/2016 21:59

Your DH wants to take time out if work and you don't want to return as it is 'feasable'.

I think you need to have a good think where your priorities are esp with 2 (soon 3) DC.

gingerh4ir · 06/12/2016 22:00

isn't feasable

rollonthesummer · 06/12/2016 22:00

I really wouldn't give up your job! It sounds like you might need some financial stability in your life.

Has he done anything like this before?

minipie · 06/12/2016 22:01

He can't just opt out. He either works in a job or he becomes the main child carer. There's no third choice of dossing around while you do all the child care and he enjoys himself with no money coming in. That's life.

This.

In answer to your question - DH and I each have the occasional evening out with friends. He goes to the gym some weeks but does it within his working day. That's about it.

Original poster
Lennon80 · 06/12/2016 22:04

Ginger it isn't feasible for me to return to pay childcare for two babies his 'sabbatical' will be over then.

OP posts:
MLGs · 06/12/2016 22:07

Like other pps have said, he should take the "sabbatical" when you are ready to return to work after mat leave. He can then look after the little ones.

It's not a sabbatical anyway (this might have been said) as a sabbatical is where you go back to the job you were in.

rollonthesummer · 06/12/2016 22:11

Have his work approved this as a sabbatical or has he just resigned?

Are you concerned about paying the bills?

Claireshh · 06/12/2016 22:19

This is my husbands day

7am - whilst I shower he lets the dog out and makes them breakfast.
7.30am - I take over and my husband goes for a bath.
8.15sm - he leaves for work.

7.45pm - home from work
8pm - we have dinner together and then usually watch tv together.

It's the same every week day.

Saturday - he drops our daughter at ballet and picks her up. We usually spend the rest of the time together as a family or with friends.

Sunday - he takes our son to rugby at 10am until noon. The rest of the day is with each other or friends.

It's not unusual for him to have to do work in the evening and at the weekend.

We go out with friends together or seperately a few times a month.

That's it.

thecolonelbumminganugget · 06/12/2016 22:22

Giving him the benefit of the doubt, could he have depression? I've suffered with cycles of it for years and I would describe it as you have said he feels in your OP - being dissatisfied and having no pleasure in things. Literally nothing makes me feel anything. All i can feel is anxious and like I just want to walk away from everything (I have a good career, nice house, active social life, have the best DP in the world, but on occasion i find myself driving home and having to stop myself driving off in a totally different direction with the intention of never going home again) I can cope with it because I got really good long term help in how to deal with it but if it's new to you it's horrible and the gut feeling is to run away from the things you have to do. If it seems out of character for him to be this way then maybe you need to talk through it. If it is depression, a 6 month sabbatical may well make things worse.

crazyoldc4tlady · 06/12/2016 22:30

I think OP's DH doesnt know the meaning of sabbatical. Re-reading her posts it sounds as if has resigned. So there is no job to go back to, no safety net...

AnyFucker · 06/12/2016 22:44

Why would you even give headspace to him spunking your family's savings on loafing about for months on end ?

You must be bloody mad.

Mypurplecaravan · 06/12/2016 22:44

Did you guys not enjoy your breast feeding groups? I did. Totally counted as me time. Out of the house. With friends a drink and a cake. Sure I had ds along with me but he just munched and slept. Not demanding like he was when a toddler desperate for attention.

Million times better than sitting on the m25!

SharpLily · 06/12/2016 22:47

I'm pretty sure his plan isn't to provide childcare while you go back to work during his 'sabbatical', so how would he react if you told him you needed a sabbatical? A six month break from it all to go to the gym and learn a new language? Six months off work and also childcare?

LizzieMacQueen · 06/12/2016 22:55

Learning a new language? I'd be checking your internet history to see if he's searching for a new life overseas.

Mypurplecaravan · 06/12/2016 22:57

I did a 3 hour commute for a job once. Lasted about 8 months before I couldn't take it anymore and quit. I was so unhappy. Strange how that sort of drive just wears away at you.

He sounds thoroughly miserable. To be fair so do you.

I don't understand loads of posters who say they wouldn't let him spend family savings in that way. They are either family or they are not. There's no 'letting' about it. It's his money as much as yours.

But then I also assumed if he was to take a sabbatical or simply time off work he would take part in family life more. Help raise the children more. And yes get more time to himself. But so would you. (With our without baby).My dh took 2 months off (between contacts) and it was lovely but I think we were both ready for him to return to work afterwards!

I'd be much less keen on a planned 6 months out of work if 6 months was the absolute most we could afford. If prefer 3 months planned with a 3 month contingency fund if he has to then actively look for work to return to (rather than the traditional sabbatical)

TheDowagerCuntess · 07/12/2016 00:46

God, these men.

How do such normal and reasonable women managed to get lumbered with them?

Not all men are such utter twats. Really they're not.

seven201 · 07/12/2016 01:41

I agree with others. Go back to work for then end of this pregnancy so you get the maternity pay. You don't have to go back after and your dh will be on his sabbatical so can look after the baby who will be what 14 months ish by then?

Is your dh a nice man apart from all this crap?

Caterina99 · 07/12/2016 04:00

DH does a hobby once a week. Not a big deal as DS is usually in bed by 7 and I enjoy my evening to myself. He doesn't really go out much other than that though, but that's his choice rather than me stopping him. Occasional work trip away and one weekend away with his mate. DS is 17 months and he's a very involved dad. Usually out of the house from 8.30 - 6.30ish but not a long commute and I'm a sahm. I probably go out with friends on an evening once a week on average and usually we spend weekends together but sometimes one of us will take a few hours to do something without DS.

Your DH is not normal in my experience. I'd definitely be really careful about leaving work if you can help it

waitingforsomething · 07/12/2016 05:09

DH does an exercise class once per week, and a run for a couple of hours every weekend. If he wanted to go out more I wouldn't object, but he's content with this. We are living abroad at the moment so he doesn't have many friends to go and have a drink with - neither do I! When we are back in the UK in a few months I expect there will be a bit more of this.
He travels for work about 4-5 days a month, but this doesn't really count as leisure time.

zeezeek · 07/12/2016 07:16

Sounds like neither of you are actually wanting to work!

RoseDeGambrinus · 07/12/2016 07:40

DH and I both get a fair bit of 'me time' (means we don't see each other much some weeks!). You haven't answered the question about his commute I think - is it just sitting on a train?

Original poster
Lennon80 · 07/12/2016 08:06

Go the two people who have made comments about me 'not wanting to work' my job is much easier than looking after a six year old and what will be a 17 month old and a newborn baby however I don't earn enough to put both babies in nursery provision- not sure why that is seen as 'not wanting to work' - it's called wanting to look after my own children rather than work for 10pence.

Husbands commute currently is half drive half train but this could have changed to train alone at some stage.

OP posts:
crazyoldc4tlady · 07/12/2016 08:15

I didn't say you don't want to work op. I just pointed out that both you and DP have excuses. Not feasible for you and your DH, well HmmHmmHmm

But with soon three DC, you surely must have something in place to support your family financially.

I worked with 2 young children. My wage went on nursery fees but I I got tax credits and the childcare element. Whilst this did not amount to a full wage (far from it) there was a short term financial benefit (a few quid extra which made the difference between paying or defaulting on the mortgage) and long term benefits of never leaving work.

I think it is a huge oversimplification to say 'oh, but I want to look after my children'.

providing for them is part of looking after them and with a DH like yours, I certainly would want to make sure I stay financially independent. I would feel far to vulnerable otherwise.