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AIBU?

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Original poster

To ask if my husband has adequate time to himself

110 replies

Lennon80 · 06/12/2016 19:56

Hi ladies, I have a six year old a nine month old and a baby on the way. I don't have any family support as my mum died when I was pregnant with my nine month old. Today my husband said he is leaving his job thatvhe has been in a matter of weeks as the work and commute (3hour round trip) is too much and said he wants a sixth month sabbatical. He plays tennis roughly once a week and goes to the gym once or twice a week. He said he also wants to do a Spanish class in the evening. Can I ask how much time your husbands spend out of the home at evenings and doing what as he thinks other men have a totally different life. Thanks

OP posts:
atticusclaw2 · 07/12/2016 08:24

Why would you not go back to work for those few months to get your maternity pay. It makes no sense whatsoever.

To answer your question though DH gets very little time to himself.

He works very long hours (partner in a law firm). He then has to network on top of that which probably involves at least one evening out each week and numerous lunches but it's work.

He plays badminton after work once a week. That's about it.

Likewise however I don't do anything for myself either really. I go out for dinner with my friends about once every couple of months. That's it.

Original poster
Lennon80 · 07/12/2016 09:02

If I return to work for theee months and go off again I will never be able to be templates by the company. Also I suffered SPD with both pregnancies and can barely drive by six months so working in a job heavily pregnant and having to settle DS into nursery for three months seems pointless especially if after a few years I want to go back to my company which if I play fair they will consider.

OP posts:
atticusclaw2 · 07/12/2016 09:07

OK fine go for it then, give up your maternity pay and sit at home with your DH and your DC until the money runs out.

Sorted Hmm

You need to think longer term, particularly with a flaky DH.

Arfarfanarf · 07/12/2016 09:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

allowlsthinkalot · 07/12/2016 09:10

Plenty of people have a short time between mat leaves. I don't think either of you are being realistic about supporting your family.

He is being a dick about me time (neither of us have any bar the occasional bike ride or swim). But you're expecting him to keep going with something he hates while you have the option of going back to work but won't.

rollonthesummer · 07/12/2016 09:11

If I return to work for theee months and go off again I will never be able to be templates by the company

What does that mean?

MuseumOfCurry · 07/12/2016 09:15

I'd be seriously worried and making plans without him if I were you.

Whether he has enough free time hardly matters, you're in the weeds of small children and expanding the brood. This is par for the course.

Original poster
Lennon80 · 07/12/2016 09:23

Sorry last post didn't make sense - My work is specialised and if I piss off my company they won't have me back and longer term I want to get back there hence reluctant to go back to go off again. Longer term for me it makes more sense to keep them onside.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lennon80 · 07/12/2016 09:26

I don't know why he thinks other men with young children (soon two under two) have all kinds of free time. Also I don't have any other adult to help with my children so it's not like I get a break.

OP posts:
MuseumOfCurry · 07/12/2016 09:30

He's severely compromising the financial security of your family at a time that life is most expensive.

I understand your point, it makes sense to go back only if you tell them that you're having another baby in July.

atticusclaw2 · 07/12/2016 09:31

But if you go back and then go off on mat leave you will still be employed with them at the end of your second mat leave and os there won't be an issue about "having you back", you won't ever have left. Surely that makes more sense.

In any event, surely your mat pay is a bird in the hand as a opposed to a potential opportunity that might or might not come off some years down the line.

rollonthesummer · 07/12/2016 09:31

If you leave completely now, I would imagine they'll just recruit someone else to replace you and not give you another thought whereas if you go back after maternity leave- you would still be part of the team.

Are you concerned that your partner won't be able to get another job?

StatisticallyChallenged · 07/12/2016 09:40

Honestly in your position I would be giving notice that I wanted to return from maternity leave early and going back in the new year, so you're back working for 6 months before you go on maternity leave again. You won't need to settle your dc in nursery as DH will be off work and can do the childcare. I'm assuming your mat pay is less than your full wage.

I get how hard it is working with spd - I had it really badly myself - but your DH is going to be burning through your savings and there's no guarantee he will be able to get work again. It's not ideal but you really need to keep your financial options open - it sounds like if he doesn't get work fairly quickly after the 6 months you will be running out of savings, and if you don't go back you will have no maternity pay and will have a very tiny baby and possibly still be recovering from birth which will limit your options at that point.

Original poster
Lennon80 · 07/12/2016 09:47

I am assuming my husband will be in a job again when new baby is one and it wouldn't make financial sense for me to be working with two sets of childcare fees I simply don't earn enough and we don't qualify for tax credits if he is working.

OP posts:
MuseumOfCurry · 07/12/2016 09:49

I wouldn't rely on him financially, I'd consider my long-term earning prospects above and beyond childcare expenses (which I agree are non-trivial).

rollonthesummer · 07/12/2016 09:56

I am assuming my husband will be in a job again when new baby is one

Assumption is the mother of all fuck ups.

StatisticallyChallenged · 07/12/2016 09:59

Do you have sufficient savings to tide you over until July 2018 if he doesn't get work by then? Realistically?

It might be desirable to keep this company on side for the future but it's more important to protect your immediate financial future. Making the decision to become a SAHM now is really reckless given the choice your husband has made. By going back for a few months you get to delay the decision until, potentially, July 2018 roughly. If he's not working at that point you wouldn't need to pay any childcare.

TheNaze73 · 07/12/2016 10:03

Was he like this when you got together?

I think time alone, is critical in a relationship. I've been in relationships where, I've been suffocated & it is horrible. The issue here, is you not getting your fair share, so fight your corner

HermioneJeanGranger · 07/12/2016 10:06

I don't think I'd be relying on him financially at all, tbh.

53rdAndBird · 07/12/2016 10:20

So he's out 2/3 evenings a week already, and wants to do a language class as well? No, my husband doesn't have that many evenings out at all. Neither do I, and I have a 2.5-hour commute - I'm too tired!

If your husband is depressed or otherwise unhappy with his life, then that's sad, but you need to look out for yourself and your children as well. Right now it sounds like he's planning to tank your family finances and lumber you with even more of the childcare, and not even think twice about it. (Is he planning to take the kids to the library every day, since it's such good "me time"? I bet not...)

rollonthesummer · 07/12/2016 10:26

Making the decision to become a SAHM now is really reckless given the choice your husband has made.

This!

He is behaving like an arse-it sounds like one of you needs to start acting like a financially responsible adult.

thethoughtfox · 07/12/2016 10:35

Play dumb and tell him you are so shocked but happy that he wants to be a SAHD!

littlesallyracket · 07/12/2016 10:44

A long commute does suck, but I work with a couple of dads who have long commutes (longer than your husband's, in fact) and they talk about wishing they had more time with their families and wishing they could get home in time to have dinner with their kids and put them to bed, not 'to themselves'.

If he wants more time to himself, he needs to look for a job with a shorter commute or a flexible working policy that allows homeworking or flexible hours. .

If he can afford six months off and is confident he'll get another job straight away, then great, but he should be doing that when your new baby is born next year, not now. He's being outrageously selfish.

LBOCS2 · 07/12/2016 10:57

DH leaves the house between 6-7 most mornings, and gets home at 6.30 in his normal working week. Every second Friday and Sunday he does an 8+ hr round trip to collect and drop back DSS from his mum's, meaning that he leaves at about midday and never gets back before 8 but usually closer to 10pm.

By agreement he has an evening and a weekend morning per week to himself to do what he likes with (he usually plays 5 a side, sometimes goes to gigs/out for drinks with friends). I have the same, and he takes full care of our DC in that time - whether I'm in the house or not I don't get disturbed. He wouldn't dream of saying that time I have the DC on my own is 'my' time - he's fully aware that it's not a break and in fact I consider working out of the home to be easier than parenting and keeping house.

If your DH is off, it frees you up to go back to work. No one gets a free ride in this life, if he's in the house then he's being a parent.

Trifleorbust · 07/12/2016 11:27

Does he think he will be 'on sabbatical' and enjoying lots of 'me time' if he gives up work? Why? Who does he think will be doing his share of the childcare?

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