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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask if my husband has adequate time to himself

110 replies

Lennon80 · 06/12/2016 19:56

Hi ladies, I have a six year old a nine month old and a baby on the way. I don't have any family support as my mum died when I was pregnant with my nine month old. Today my husband said he is leaving his job thatvhe has been in a matter of weeks as the work and commute (3hour round trip) is too much and said he wants a sixth month sabbatical. He plays tennis roughly once a week and goes to the gym once or twice a week. He said he also wants to do a Spanish class in the evening. Can I ask how much time your husbands spend out of the home at evenings and doing what as he thinks other men have a totally different life. Thanks

OP posts:

CocktailQueen · 06/12/2016 20:44

My dh fits his own leisure time round our DC - so he will always prioritise picking dd up from school/club or taking Ds to football over doing anything himself.

I'm not surprised you're unhappy, though.

It's a long commute but he must have known that before he took the job? Can you afford for him to take 6 months off, with a 3rd DC on the way?

Will he be pulling his weight and looking after the DC during this time or is he planning on just lounging around doing gym and Spanish? If the latte, time for a talk...

How is the rest of your relationship?

venys · 06/12/2016 20:45

We have 3 young kids and no other support. Eldest is SEN. His commute is about 2-2.5 hours round trip. OH just watches moies etc late at night but doesn't so anything regularly. Just goes out only occasionally with friends. We are really up against it time wise as the kids and house are very demanding. So he sounds lucky to have what he has. I know plenty of people that take sabbaticals. We are all in London and the commute/pace does get a bit much. But would have been good if he did it after your third was born. I had to hire a nanny part time to help me at the beginning - so he could take that role.

WiIdfire · 06/12/2016 20:48

I agree. He can have his sabbatical, and have lots of lovely 'me time' looking after the children in the day so you can carry on working.

NavyandWhite · 06/12/2016 20:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

emsyj37 · 06/12/2016 20:52

DH is a lifeboat volunteer so he has quite a lot of time doing exercises, gets called out every couple of weeks or so and there are social activities also. He also goes to Poole for a week twice a year on average to do extra training. He works away one night a week so has a night in a hotel once a week alone. When he is home he does more than 50% of the kid stuff. I have just finished for mat leave for DC3 but prior to that was working FT and studying for professional exams. We were (and are) exceptionally busy. I go out with friends (to someone's house for takeaway/chat, out for dinner etc etc) probably twice a week on average (sometimes more, sometimes less) and have the occasional weekend/overnight trip away also. I think we both have significant freedom to do as we please really. DH is happy to be left with the kids and never begrudges me doing what I want, and in return I don't moan (too much) about his other commitments.
If DH wanted to take 6 months' sabbatical, I would be happy with that because he is 100% financially reliable, an adult and responsible, so I would know that he had already worked out that we could afford it and that he would be back at work on the very day he promised to be. I get the impression your DH doesn't fall into this category tho OP... I agree with the PP who suggested you go back to work FT and let him enjoy baby groups and 'me time' at the library... Don't whatever you do give up your job though. You will be sorry if you do.

seven201 · 06/12/2016 20:53

Where does he get this crazy idea from? He has loads of free time! To be fair I used to do a 3 hr round commute and I hated it. On Saturday morning refuse to get out of bed fake an illness of you have to and get him to take the kids to the library for some him time.

Fairylea · 06/12/2016 20:53

Wow what a twat...! Sorry but surely this is the time he needs to buckle down and work harder. Not fanny about having some weird sort of mid life crisis.

Unless he has very genuine severe depression or mental illness he is behaving very selfishly.

Original poster

Lennon80 · 06/12/2016 20:53

Nobhe wants the six months now the baby isn't due till July!
Also I breastfeed the baby and want to do the same with the newborn and I would be going back to work for three months heavily pregnant to then leave again to never return it's not feasible

OP posts:

arethereanyleftatall · 06/12/2016 20:56

In answer to your question, dh plays golf once per week, twice in summer, plays football one evening per week, and goes on one one week golf holiday with friends per year. Goes out to pub about once per week. I get more time to myself though, so it's all good.

Your situation all sounds rather odd and the wrong way round though. If he wanted to give up work, surely that's a, rather important, joint decision. Could he become the sahp?

EweAreHere · 06/12/2016 20:56

Tell him you're going back to work asap so he can be the sahp and have all the 'me' time in the family, since he thinks that's what you're doing clearly.

What a prat.

Has he always been so self-centred?

arethereanyleftatall · 06/12/2016 20:58

Xpost. I think you are allowed to return to work heavily pregnant. I think.

NiceFalafels · 06/12/2016 20:58

DH commutes 3 hours a day by car. He eats, chats to the kids, makes his lunch for the next day, watches an episode with me, then goes to bed.

maras2 · 06/12/2016 21:00

Is this the twunt who said that you were 'putting it on' when you had SPD and all other types of illnesses in your pregnancy with your 6 year old?
Sorry. but your user name seemed familiar so I did an AS.
I find it very hard to believe that you are still with him

GoofyTheHero · 06/12/2016 21:02

Has he got enough savings to cover his 6 month sabbatical?

DeathpunchDoris · 06/12/2016 21:11

I think the simplest solution is to agree with him - then you go back to work full time. Swap roles. Let him enjoy some 'me time' at breastfeeding club and the library. I estimate within about a month he'll be begging to return to how things were before!

This

DinosaursRoar · 06/12/2016 21:15

Return to work pregnant please - get your mat leave for the next baby and you can see if he's going to go back to work after his 6 months off or if he's going to just leave your family in the shit.

You can't rely on your DH to provide for the family, you will have to do it. Does he ever have both DCs you have now on his own so you can go out for a day?

ellalouise123 · 06/12/2016 21:17

My DH works longer hours than me but when he's home he's usually in on a work night. Goes to football most weekends, sees his friends relatively frequently for a drink etc. If I go out and do stuff on my own I end up worrying that he's being left too long (like he's a bloody dog in on his own!). When we feel like one of us has had lots of 'me' time when the other hasn't, we make a point of staying in or socialising together with friends.

I would be upset if my DH hadn't discussed this huge change with me before deciding to do it. Also you need to point out that breastfeeding groups are not equal to you going for a nice drink with a friend or whatever.

arethereanyleftatall · 06/12/2016 21:21

It's fair enough to have a serious joint discussion about who is the sahp and who works.
Unfortunately though, with 3 children, it isn't fair enough to opt to have 6 months 'off'. We lose the right to make that decision when we choose to have children.

Kiwiinkits · 06/12/2016 21:23

give him a few months off. A three hour commute is a nightmare. He's not "a prick" for wanting to change something that is clearly not working for him. He's just a person, experiencing a change in his life.

I think support him on this one. Just for a couple of months. Let him think about what he wants next. Anything more than a couple of months is taking the piss, but everyone needs time out from the grind.

What would you want him to do if the tables were turned? Do that.

Kiwiinkits · 06/12/2016 21:26

Commuting is the most. depressing. thing. ever. It drains the life out of you.

I think you need to have a long conversation about what you really want out of life. I'm pretty sure 'sitting in a car for three hours a day' won't be on the list.

emsyj37 · 06/12/2016 21:31

It is 100% feasible for you to go back to work for a short time before starting mat leave again. Please give yourself this option. Then you will have the mat leave with your third child to think about your future and choices. Don't cut off that choice now. I think you will regret it.

NiceFalafels · 06/12/2016 21:37

Does he think caring for your children is time to yourself? What planet is he on?

Kirriemuir · 06/12/2016 21:39

DH commutes about 2.5 hours a day. He goes to the gym Wednesday and Friday after work but it ties in with picking up DS from Cubs and judo so I get a bit of time at home to myself.

NiceFalafels · 06/12/2016 21:39

He needs to man up. He's got kids to provide for.

MiniCooperLover · 06/12/2016 21:50

How will you pay your mortgage/rent??

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