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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to expect DH to take day off if family unwell?

122 replies

GraceNotes · 06/12/2016 17:42

Last night I asked my DH if he could take the day off work to help me out with the kids today. I have had a cold and have lost my voice for three days - I'm feeing drained. Last night both children (13month and 4 yo) were up all night being sick every half an hour so had little sleep. The bath was full of dirty bedclothes needing rinsing before washing. The day before, I felt I was shouting at the kids too much because I was feeling unwell and had less patience.

So he said he would take the day off as he only had one meeting at lunch that could be moved. He hardly ever has sick days so I presumed he would just 'pull a sickie' to help me. We don't leave near to any relatives and have no emergency childcare options in place.

In the morning he says he forgot he's got another meeting in the morning that's very important, so he's going to go into work until the second meeting (the one he was going to cancel) has finished and come home for about 2pm to take the kids off me.

He leaves the house and comes straight back indoors saying he feels guilty leaving me and has told his boss that the kids and me are ill, so he's going to work from home. The reality is that he just sat on his laptop all day. We had to keep out of his way. I had to keep the kids really quiet when he had his two 'meeting' conference calls (because it would be embarrassing if they heard the kids). He gave me two 30 minute slots of time to myself all day and I spent the rest trying to clean up sick, with them crying and moaning, whilst feeing ill.

AIBU to expect him to just tell work HE was ill, so he would not have been expected to work? Or to tell them he wouldn't be working due to our illnesses? How is 'working from home' helpful to me at all? If anything it caused me more problems. I know people will say they don't have opportunity for this kind of help from a DH, but, he hardly ever has sick days and he could have helped.

OP posts:
rookiemere · 06/12/2016 17:47

Sorry I really feel for you but YABU.

If your DH is the only one currently working outside the home, then I can see why he wouldn't want to "pull sickies". Different if you actually had the vomiting bug yourself, but it sounds like whilst you're very tired and under the weather, you aren't unable to cope. What would happen if he pretended he was sick to support you, then got the D&V virus himself?

He tried working from home - it didn't work out, next time you'll both know that it's not worth it.

Sorry again as I know I'd feel like you in that situation, but it's a hard one for everybody.

PlinkPlonkPlunk · 06/12/2016 17:47

I'd never expect DH to "throw a sickie" under those conditions, but I'd certainly appreciate it if he contacted his boss see whether he could have a day off (obviously the likelihood of the box agreeing depends on the job). However, I wouldn't overly impressed with the "working from home" thing, as it doesn't sound like it was helpful for anybody!

ShuckingFit · 06/12/2016 17:48

Yabu unfortunately.

It's shit you're ill but we've all been there. He can't pull sick days for this imo.

If you were in hospital or had pneumonia-something serious- then yes I would expect him to be off. But he could use a day out of his 'dependants' leave for that (or whatever it's called.

At a push annual leave.

But for a cold-you're on your own I'm afraid. Hope you all get better soon

SVJAA · 06/12/2016 17:49

Once I've asked DP to take the day off because I had a horrific tummy bug (literally couldn't leave the bathroom) and we had a newborn, a 1 year old and a 7 year old. Every other time I've just had to get on with it because his job doesn't look kindly on time off, he's technically zero hours and constantly reminded of it. With a heavy cold I just dope myself up on Sudafed, berocca and lemon and honey and try to get through the day. It sucks but unfortunately I think YABU.

SirChenjin · 06/12/2016 17:50

YANBU - although working from home doesn't sound like the best solution, the original idea of 2pm sounds like it would have worked better (pulling a sickie is not a great idea really). Nothing worse than trying to look after 2 sick children when your ill and sleep deprived.

SirChenjin · 06/12/2016 17:51

you're

GraceNotes · 06/12/2016 17:56

OK IABU.
I don't think the 'work from home' thing worked at all though.
Just to add more detail - I also work out of the house (and I often end up moving client appointments around for him, to fit in with his work). Also, I would not have asked him to do this if I wasn't feeling awful and had no sleep.

OP posts:
GertrudeBelle · 06/12/2016 17:56

YABU. Totally I'm afraid. Throwing a sickie is a disciplinary offence and it would make him feel awful to lie to his employer.

If work had allowed then he could - with the agreement of his boss - have taken a holiday at short notice but it sounds as though that wasn't possible.

Did he help overnight with the sick kids though? Or rinsing the sheets? That's his job as much as yours when you're both at home. If he didn't, that is the problem.

Otherwise I am a little surprised that you need so much extra support when you've just got a cold. Most of us just get on with it.

littlesallyracket · 06/12/2016 17:57

If you were throwing up, fair enough. But I would soldier on through a cold. I think YABU.

I have worked with a dad who was expected to take a day off, either last minute leave or a fake sick day, to help his wife (then an SAHM) every time his kids were ill. It was really unfair on the team.

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 06/12/2016 17:59

YABU. Totally I'm afraid. Throwing a sickie is a disciplinary offence and it would make him feel awful to lie to his employer.

^ agree.

He wasn't sick.

ClopySow · 06/12/2016 18:00

No, you're not. Parents are entitled to take parental leave. He should have done that and let you go back to bed. Working from home just made it harder for you.

Hope you feel better soon.

ChicRock · 06/12/2016 18:00

YABU.

Sick leave is for when the employee is sick, not for when their partner feels a bit under the weather and fancies having their other half at home for the day.

SirChenjin · 06/12/2016 18:02

Otherwise I am a little surprised that you need so much extra support when you've just got a cold. Most of us just get on with it

That's a bit unfair. We all know there are varying degrees of colds, with some little more than a runny nose and a bit of a headache while others can absolutely floor you and require time off work (at least, they do if you're not one of those people who insist on pitching up to work with streaming eyes and nose, a temperature, and a hacking cough to infect your colleagues whilst stoically declaring it 'just a cold' Angry). I'm guessing the OP had the latter rather than the former - and sleep deprivation on top of that.

rookiemere · 06/12/2016 18:03

Being self-employed allows you a bit more flexibility.
Clopysow - parental leave at our place needs to be pre-booked and is for a minimum of a block of a week. We do have emergency leave which is one day to make alternative provisions if a DC is ill or other emergency situation arises.
In this case the OP is feeling bad, but seems just about ok to look after the DCs. As the DH was working from home, if her situation had got worse, he could have stepped up and phoned work at that point to take some time off, but it seems as if she struggled through.
It's a hard one and not sure there is a right answer.

PinkCrystal · 06/12/2016 18:03

I have been ill so mamy times over the years and DH never had time off to look after me or help me. Even after surgery and when I was bedbound. I have 5 DC.

It would be lovely if your DH could get time off but I wouldn't pull a sickie and risk his job.

ilovesooty · 06/12/2016 18:04

Totally unreasonable to expect him to "pull a sickie" which can be viewed as gross misconduct. On the other hand he couldn't work effectively from home either. He should have asked for annual leave at short notice if the need for him to be at home was acute or urgent.

GraceNotes · 06/12/2016 18:04

It's never happened before! He never has days off. Its because of how ill I feel. I did also say that he could have told he truth, but without the 'working from home' day.

Are you guys honestly saying you've never pulled a sickie? Its not like it would have been to go out and enjoy himself. He is also a manager that can organise his own workload so is not part of a team.

I've just read your posts to him and he's said "but you've not just got a cold have you?". So perhaps cold underplays it.

OP posts:
PigletWasPoohsFriend · 06/12/2016 18:06

Are you guys honestly saying you've never pulled a sickie?

Honestly no I haven't. I do know people that gave, got found out and we're disciplined.

YelloDraw · 06/12/2016 18:10

Honbestly? I wouldn't have expected him to have not gone to work. But I WOULD have expected him to have gone in late/come come early and done all the misc crap that needs to be done.

e.g. he should have sorted out everyone's breakfast and dinner, got the washing loads on and cleared up the sick before he left for work.

ShuckingFit · 06/12/2016 18:10

Virus then.

I hope he helps out tonight so you can get a good nights sleep ready for tomorrow.

If you were that ill you'd be in bed. Sorry that's harsh and hope you and your DC are better soon Flowers

ClopySow · 06/12/2016 18:11

My ex had to take time off to look after our son when i had the flu. I've had to take countless weeks off in the last 15 years to look after my sick children. I don't understand why this is any different.

HermioneJeanGranger · 06/12/2016 18:11

Calling in sick when you're not is a disciplinary offence.

GertrudeBelle · 06/12/2016 18:12

I honestly have never pulled a sickie. And I have never had time off when I have had a cold or sinusitis or throat/ear infections.

I will not let my employer down unless I absolutely have to, and would certainly not lie to them so that they pay me £xxx for nothing. That's akin to fraud.

Tell me - if you had a cleaner would you be okay if she spent 10 minutes cleaning but charges you for 4 hours?

ilovesooty · 06/12/2016 18:12

No I haven't ever "pulled a sickie" and anyone in my company who did so would be subject to disciplinary procedures. Whether he has a good sickness record or is a manager is totally irrelevant

Oldbutstillgotit · 06/12/2016 18:14

Never pulled a sickie because I am one of those people who worries about tempting fate. Hope you feel better soon OP