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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to expect DH to take day off if family unwell?

122 replies

GraceNotes · 06/12/2016 17:42

Last night I asked my DH if he could take the day off work to help me out with the kids today. I have had a cold and have lost my voice for three days - I'm feeing drained. Last night both children (13month and 4 yo) were up all night being sick every half an hour so had little sleep. The bath was full of dirty bedclothes needing rinsing before washing. The day before, I felt I was shouting at the kids too much because I was feeling unwell and had less patience.

So he said he would take the day off as he only had one meeting at lunch that could be moved. He hardly ever has sick days so I presumed he would just 'pull a sickie' to help me. We don't leave near to any relatives and have no emergency childcare options in place.

In the morning he says he forgot he's got another meeting in the morning that's very important, so he's going to go into work until the second meeting (the one he was going to cancel) has finished and come home for about 2pm to take the kids off me.

He leaves the house and comes straight back indoors saying he feels guilty leaving me and has told his boss that the kids and me are ill, so he's going to work from home. The reality is that he just sat on his laptop all day. We had to keep out of his way. I had to keep the kids really quiet when he had his two 'meeting' conference calls (because it would be embarrassing if they heard the kids). He gave me two 30 minute slots of time to myself all day and I spent the rest trying to clean up sick, with them crying and moaning, whilst feeing ill.

AIBU to expect him to just tell work HE was ill, so he would not have been expected to work? Or to tell them he wouldn't be working due to our illnesses? How is 'working from home' helpful to me at all? If anything it caused me more problems. I know people will say they don't have opportunity for this kind of help from a DH, but, he hardly ever has sick days and he could have helped.

OP posts:
crazyoldc4tlady · 06/12/2016 18:17

YANBU to expect him to pull a sickie.

and no, I have never pulled a sickie (I am in my 40s). It is certainly not a normal thing to do. you sound work shy.

Original poster
GraceNotes · 06/12/2016 18:18

YelloDraw - I would have preferred the first option he gave me; of him going in, doing the meetings and then getting home at 2pm to take the kids off me. I ended up with less relief, with him being at home all day working.

I did the sick sheets rinsing myself.

I went to bed and slept in the two 30 minute breaks he gave me.
Part of the reason for me having some rest today was so that I could get better quicker. As I said, we have no relatives or childcare near by, just me. I don't see that it would be better to keep trudging on, making myself worse and then being even less capable

After reading these posts, I will definitely think twice next time though. I thought that this was the most sensible option in the circumstances, but sounds like I'm wrong.

OP posts:
Original poster
GraceNotes · 06/12/2016 18:19

Not workshy (people can be mean on here!) Only done it twice in my whole life, and for good reasons (I'm 37).

OP posts:
Soubriquet · 06/12/2016 18:22

Isn't this what dependcy leave is for?

Dh had to take the entire week off last week because I was physically incapable of caring for the children. Very bad back

SheldonCRules · 06/12/2016 18:23

No regarding a "sickie" , morally wrong and stealing if you get sick pay. I value my sickness record a lot, it helped get me my last job.

Most people go to work with a cold, staying home is far easier. No need for two adults.

Shodan · 06/12/2016 18:24

I do think YABU to think he could pull a sickie.

But- if he told his work he was working from home because you/dc are ill, then he should've done more to help throughout the day. Also he should've done more during the night shift to ensure you got a decent amount of sleep, because a lack of sleep will just prolong your illness.

As he's home now, I suggest you have a bath, dose yourself up and hit the sack. He can deal with all the rest.

Mindtrope · 06/12/2016 18:24

I wouldn't expect my OH to take a day off sorry.

I have looked after children with chicken pox whilst having chicken pox myself.

Original poster
GraceNotes · 06/12/2016 18:27

Having one day off in eight years, isn't going to affect your sick record. Yes, perhaps he could have taken dependency leave instead, never thought of that.

OP posts:
PlumsGalore · 06/12/2016 18:28

I've never pulled a sickie either, not in 30 years.

rookiemere · 06/12/2016 18:31

It's the principal Gracenotes - I've only ever pulled a sickie once and that was to attend an interview that clashed with a training day many years ago, but I hated myself for having to do it.

I would say though that your DH is on night duty tonight - as he's feeling well he should be able to cope with a broken night and still go into work and hopefully a good nights sleep will help you to recuperate.

trotzdem · 06/12/2016 18:33

Putting aside the label of "a cold" which sounds like something minor and stating again with the assumption that you have a virus and two small children vomiting everywhere all night, it is not unreasonable at all to ask your husband to pull his parenting weight with the sick children.

He should have been up front about you being too I'll to care for the children and taken it as annual leave or dependent's leave - there is an option for most people in that situation unless they have unreasonable employers or are in the unenviable position of being on a zero hours contract.

In Germany either parent can get signed off to care for sick children under 7 (up front and honest, not pulling a sickie) and if a parent goes to the GP ill or is in hospital their husband or wife can absolutely legitimately be signed off work to care for children under 7 if the doctor agrees the sick parent can't. Seems utterly sensible and the UK should do the same (but in fact prefers to go the route of zero hour contracts and all cards in employers' hands).

whoopsiedaisy123 · 06/12/2016 18:33

No YANBU OP

Sometimes life just gets in the way of work!

Sometimes we do a bloody good job just 'getting on with it' and occasionally we have to put our hand up and say 'I need a little help'. Nothing wrong with that at all!

ClopySow · 06/12/2016 18:34

you sound work shy

You sound like you read the daily mail.

5moreminutes · 06/12/2016 18:37

Sheldon staying home cleaning up vomit and looking after a vomiting 13 month old and 4 year old (without sleep after a night shift of doing the same) is not easier than most desk jobs.

ToffeeForEveryone · 06/12/2016 18:39

The problem with working at home is that you actually have to be working, otherwise it's just as much pulling a fast one as doing a sickie.

That said, I think your DH should have at least asked for the day off. If really essential, he could have still taken the meetings by phone which is what he did anyway.

Doesn't sound like you ask him to do this sort of thing often so I think on this occasion, unless it was going to really seriously damage his work, he was BU to not prioritise you and the kids today.

Confused at all the people saying "it's just a cold". Sickness is subjective - sometimes you can soldier on and sometimes not. Norovirus in our house this week - I had it relatively mild last week but DS 8 months was very ill at the same time, DH stayed home one day because I just couldn't do it alone. DH now sick and has had to stay off himself (first sick day in years), he's much worse than I was with the same illness.

DorotheaHomeAlone · 06/12/2016 18:42

You are getting a really unfair bashing! If you were unwell abscissa were the kids then he should have taken parental leave to care for his kids. The working from home sounds like a crap compromise all round. And you don't sound remotely work shy.

Hope you're feeling better soon.

whoopsiedaisy123 · 06/12/2016 18:47

You don't sound at all work shy OP I work full time in a middle management position and I honestly say being at home with my two children of 3 months and 19 months is MUCH harder than any day I have in the office!

wizzywig · 06/12/2016 18:49

times like that i just let the kids watch stacks of tv, order in pizza, put clothes in the washing machine, get it dried (no ironning) and just get through it. just keep everyone fed and watered.

StripedTulip · 06/12/2016 18:50

YABU to expect him to lie to his workplace. If I were a colleague of your DH, and heard that he wasn't sick, I'd be a bit Hmm It's what emergency parental leave, or annual leave, or leave without pay are for. And I'm sorry but if you're the SAHP, and he's the WOHP, then that's the way it goes - even if you feel awful. It's horrible, I know, when you're ill & the children are ill too, but you're basically expecting his colleagues to pick up the slack for his family. It's understandable you want him home, but YABU to expect him to lie.

Middleoftheroad · 06/12/2016 18:56

I know it's a shit pill to swallow but never asked DH to take a day off to help when I wasn't working and DTs and I were ill.

I work now yet today and last week had to work from home with sick kids which did piss me off as we both work now.

Baylisiana · 06/12/2016 19:06

If he was able to take a day of annual leave at very short notice, that would have been helpful. Would not advise pulling sickie or working from home in the circs. Hope you are all improving OP.

SixthSenseless · 06/12/2016 19:10

I have certainly never 'pulled a sickie' (dreadful expression), but that may partly be because my DP takes his fair share of covering the DC sick days. Either by parental leave, leave or unpaid leave. Your DH needs to stop leaving you to be the one who always rearranges your work.

Obviously today is tricky, because you yourself are off work sick. And I do think it reasonable that SAHMs have sick days, just like any other job, when they are not up to caring for the kids. If you are too ill to do your WOH job it stands to reason that you are not really up to the care of two ill kids.

So I do think your DH should have helped more.

Still, he has set a precedent Wink

SixthSenseless · 06/12/2016 19:15

StripedTulip: the OP is not a SAHP.

QueenOfHumboldtCounty · 06/12/2016 19:26

Here to support you and say YANBU I would have expected dh to do the exact same and pull a sickie. Family is more important. You're probably more wound up about the whole thing though with him being at home working than you would have been if he'd gone in. It's just awful when they're both ill and you're not well either, I have a 4 YO and 18 MO so I know where you're coming from WineChocolate

AnnieAnoniMouse · 06/12/2016 19:26

Given it's the first time you've asked him and you are feeling so god damn awful with two small vomiting children, then no, I don't think it's unreasonable to ask him to stay home for one day.

I'd have fucking murdered him if he'd 'worked from home' like that, that just created more work for you, not less. Twat.