Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to expect DH to take day off if family unwell?

122 replies

GraceNotes · 06/12/2016 17:42

Last night I asked my DH if he could take the day off work to help me out with the kids today. I have had a cold and have lost my voice for three days - I'm feeing drained. Last night both children (13month and 4 yo) were up all night being sick every half an hour so had little sleep. The bath was full of dirty bedclothes needing rinsing before washing. The day before, I felt I was shouting at the kids too much because I was feeling unwell and had less patience.

So he said he would take the day off as he only had one meeting at lunch that could be moved. He hardly ever has sick days so I presumed he would just 'pull a sickie' to help me. We don't leave near to any relatives and have no emergency childcare options in place.

In the morning he says he forgot he's got another meeting in the morning that's very important, so he's going to go into work until the second meeting (the one he was going to cancel) has finished and come home for about 2pm to take the kids off me.

He leaves the house and comes straight back indoors saying he feels guilty leaving me and has told his boss that the kids and me are ill, so he's going to work from home. The reality is that he just sat on his laptop all day. We had to keep out of his way. I had to keep the kids really quiet when he had his two 'meeting' conference calls (because it would be embarrassing if they heard the kids). He gave me two 30 minute slots of time to myself all day and I spent the rest trying to clean up sick, with them crying and moaning, whilst feeing ill.

AIBU to expect him to just tell work HE was ill, so he would not have been expected to work? Or to tell them he wouldn't be working due to our illnesses? How is 'working from home' helpful to me at all? If anything it caused me more problems. I know people will say they don't have opportunity for this kind of help from a DH, but, he hardly ever has sick days and he could have helped.

OP posts:
NotAMammy · 06/12/2016 21:15

I didn't read the full thread.

a) he's entitled to take carers leave to deal with emergencies exactly like this. Fair enough he may have needed to conference call in to the one important meeting, but I'm sure he could have just shut the computer down after that. Government information here: www.gov.uk/time-off-for-dependants/your-rights He may have been unpaid though, so if money is super tight that might have been what he was worried about.

b) you have every right to have a sick day yourself. If you were both working and the nanny was sick, one of you would have to take the day off to take care of the kids. This is the same situation, except you aren't a nanny, you are the mother and he is the only one that can take the day off and be left in charge.

c) Being fired for taking one sickie is very extreme. I'd say the employer would have shaky grounds if you have had no other problems. It's also pretty difficult to prove that he was fine, cleaning up his family's puke rather than home cleaning up his own puke? Although in this situation, he should absolutely have taken a day of emergency leave.

Hope you and the DCs start feeling better soon.

summerainbow · 06/12/2016 21:56

But surely ringing up and saying your kids is sick and you won't be inshows you are disorganised, have childcare issues. And you might have 100% sickness record but have had x no of days off for childcare issues means that you are only there for money and not interested in career or progressing in your job as you default carer when childcare fails .
It must pissed off your colleagues as well .
Crazy you and your DH are very lucky to have both careers which tolerate all the time off you need . You have done it for 9 years do you really see them putting up with for another 9 years + . And you both have happy to put up with for that length of time . The ex and I lasted 11 years before he wanted a better job which mean there was no way I could work . So I had to give up and become a full time carer. Good luck to you both.

mushroomsontoast · 06/12/2016 22:03

summer how does it show you are disorganised?! Who else would look after kids when they are ill unless you have a nanny or family members who don't work nearby? I have great childcare in place, but my childminder won't accept an ill child, and strangely enough nor will school! It doesn't mean I'm.not interested in my career!

ilovesooty · 06/12/2016 22:15

I have no problem supporting a colleague who has a sick child and no other childcare to call on in an emergency. I'm not keen on working with people who lie and claim to be sick when they aren't.

NotAMammy · 06/12/2016 22:20

Summer I'd love to know how you organise your children and everyone in your life to only become ill in their allotted time slots.

Life happens. There is literally legislation to allow for these situations.

HowMuchDoWeNeed · 06/12/2016 22:49

"No, you're not. Parents are entitled to take parental leave. He should have done that and let you go back to bed. Working from home just made it harder for you."

I agree. Having someone sitting in the main room, insisting on quiet is really awkward. It completely changes the dynamic and makes everything harder. Your husband should have asked for carer's leave or annual leave.

eggyface · 06/12/2016 22:53

Op you are totally reasonable. Don't let the strangely rigid and sanctimonious people of MN, with their odd, small-scale attitudes to work, tell you otherwise.

If only one person is working, really their sick leave covers the whole family. He's a manager. He presumably gets the work done. His childcare fell through (you). His sick leave is the only give in the system. If course you should take it.

My work wouldn't care less if i took a sick day as long as my work was overall done. If I had to be late with a piece of client work it would be up to me to negotiate that with the client. Same if someone in my team did the same thing. I'd just renegotiate a deadline. (Obviously not if it was the one crucial day where I'm speaking at a conference in front of hundreds, but your op suggests it was a normal day).

Maybe it's the type of work that makes a difference. If he generally works long hours and is paid a professional salary then the odd day here or there is peanuts. It's his responsibility to flex his time to make sure he and his support systems can cope.

Your problem is that maybe he doesn't get it - in which case you might have to work looking after the children when you're too ill as he wont feel able to take the time. Hope you feel better soon.

Ladybirdbookworm · 06/12/2016 23:20

I've just popped over from the other thread ....
Flowers

summerainbow · 06/12/2016 23:36

There is law for parenting leave and law for sick leave still means employers and co workers don't like it.
Who wants to cover for someone while they off over and and over and over again cos their kids are sick. Kids get sick fact if you work you have to have childcare in place if want a career if don't then you become a unreliable employee who is just their to a job .

mushroomsontoast · 06/12/2016 23:40

summer what kind of childcare would take a sick child? Fortunately none of my employers have ever resented me taking time off for the DC being ill.

Reality16 · 06/12/2016 23:45

But surely ringing up and saying your kids is sick and you won't be inshows you are disorganised, have childcare issues what? If you ring and say your kid is sick it shows you are human, and more importantly, honest. Having an unwell child could never really be attributed to disorganisation. I'm not sure how you would reach that conclusion Confused

ClopySow · 07/12/2016 00:23

Summer what are you on about? Who do you suggest as childcare for sick children?

Topseyt · 07/12/2016 01:36

So, your child being ill means that you are disorganised because you couldn't book for them to be ill at a more convenient time??

Ridiculous comment.

Topseyt · 07/12/2016 02:02

My guess is that Summer must be talking from the point of view of someone with non-working, able and willing family living nearby.

Many of us don't have that, so had to care for sick children at the drop of a hat. Or we were too disorganised to have made the family drop everything and move closer to be at our beck and call. Silly us!! Why didn't we all think of that?

summerainbow · 07/12/2016 02:19

Paid child care for sick child is nanny/mothers help/au pair.
Unpaid is is famliy member /freinds/other mother in same boat.
No employer or coworker will tolate weeks off per year as you look after sick kids ,if you have a few kids this can happen.

If you wanted to work the same hour s as your partner ie 9 to 5 mon to Fri you have to back up child to keep your career going otherwise you have work different hours to your partner .

HicDraconis · 07/12/2016 03:46

The problem is (I think) is the question you asked. YWBVU (sorry) to ask your DH to pull a sickie to look after you - he isn't sick.

However the question you really want answering is - were you unreasonable to expect your DH to help out at home with the children given you were/are clearly unwell? And in that I don't think you would BU at all. I'm the WOH parent in our relationship and if our kids and DH were as sick as you all sound, I would call in and have two days emergency leave to help out. My job is one where if I am away, people get elective operations cancelled and have to wait weeks for rescheduling so I don't take days off lightly - and I would definitely have had a couple of days off in your situation to give you a hand.

Bravo to everyone that soldiers on regardless. Congratulations. There is probably a medal somewhere with your names on it. (And I realise that for single parents with minimal support you get on with it because you have to and that life truly sucks sometimes, sorry). However I think OP needed more support at home than her DH gave her. He should either have gone to work for his meetings and come home early to take over, or not gone in at all. Working from home was the worst of both choices.

nooka · 07/12/2016 05:08

My dh and I both work full time 9-5 type jobs. This is not at all unusual. Occasionally our children get ill and so we box and cox who can be home to look after them. Again not unusual. Sometimes the people we work with have to take time off with no notice to look after sick children. It has no impact on how professional I think they are, or their success. I agree that if you have a very sick child or a child with significant additional needs maintaining two working parents without extra help may be very challenging, but for most of us it's just a few days a year.

OP hope you feel better soon. I don't think that your dh's plan necessarily was a poor one, he just didn't think it through. Personally I would have committed the meeting hours to work from home only and asked my boss for the rest off, ideally to be made up at a later time.

Wombatron · 07/12/2016 05:19

Arf at clopysow "you sound like you read the daily mail".

YABU op!

Wombatron · 07/12/2016 05:19

You are not sorry op! And get well soon!!

HeadDreamer · 07/12/2016 05:28

No I would never fake a sick leave. It is gross misconduct like others have said. We both work and I would not take annual leave to cover a child and my DH illness. We have annual leaves for school holidays. DC are 5 and 2. When 2yo is ill she sleeps mostly. DH and 5yo can sleep or lie on sofa quietly. I would work from home so I can put the washing up and cook lunch. But I would be on my laptop all day too. Working from home it is even more important to be prompt with IM. Otherwise colleagues can think you are taking the piss.

So YABVU

AnnaT45 · 07/12/2016 05:41

I'll go against the grain and say YANBU. It's not really a 'sickie' as I see it. I would see that more as he fancied a day off to loaf or go out etc. Probably better if he explained the situation to his boss. As a colleague I'd rather he stayed home than come in with the potential of spreading a bug! But I hate tummy bugs!

I'd be annoyed about him being at home and needing you to be quiet. How did he think this was helpful? Get better soon. And by the way it's ok to ask your partner for help when you're dealing with a lot and not feeling well. I personally am not a Wonder Woman and don't mind admitting it!

whattodowiththepoo · 07/12/2016 05:54

YABU

waitingforsomething · 07/12/2016 05:59

YABU to expect him to pull a sickie. But does he have the option parental leave at least for a half day? I was very unwell with shingles this time last year and had a 5 month old and a 3 year old. There was no way I could look after the children - DH ended up taking a day of parental leave to look after them as I simply couldn't. Is there anyone else that you could have called on? My MIL came down for 2 days to help too but you might not be in this situation.

AwaywiththePixies27 · 07/12/2016 06:05

YABU to expect him to pull a sickie.

YNBU to expect him to at least try and take a day off and help you or come home early as expected. He was BU to do his work from home if he knew he would not be able to help you whilst on the conference calls.

I've been in and out of hospital several times this year through no fault of my own and my Ex has always taken some time off to help the rest of my family with the childcare. Yes he grumbles but he still does it. As he should because they're his DCs too. My Ex works shifts in a hospital and it's very hard to get time off as it's a domino effect that affects the rest of the staff. If he rings in at 6am on a sickie, his boss then has 30minutes to find a replacement who has to do his work for him. So he's never done it. Just been honest with his employer that I've taken ill again and they've made allowances like letting him leave 30 minutes early to do the school pick up.

OP, I hope you're all feeling better soon, it doesn't sound like a cold, it sounds like the virus that is sweeping around everywhere at the moment, I spent 3 days in hospital with it recently Blush (asthmatic). Did your DH let you get some sleep last night whilst he looked after the DCs for you?

SheldonCRules · 07/12/2016 07:19

Summer, that sounds more like a person trying to justify not working more than anything.

Random sick days are more likely to least impress an employer than time off with children. Employers usually value honesty not lies. Neither of our employers think less of us for taking an odd day off with children but we both have excellent sickness records, are flexible and do extra. It works both ways.