to expect DH to take day off if family unwell?

[GraceNotes]

Last night I asked my DH if he could take the day off work to help me out with the kids today. I have had a cold and have lost my voice for three days - I'm feeing drained. Last night both children (13month and 4 yo) were up all night being sick every half an hour so had little sleep. The bath was full of dirty bedclothes needing rinsing before washing. The day before, I felt I was shouting at the kids too much because I was feeling unwell and had less patience.

So he said he would take the day off as he only had one meeting at lunch that could be moved. He hardly ever has sick days so I presumed he would just 'pull a sickie' to help me. We don't leave near to any relatives and have no emergency childcare options in place.

In the morning he says he forgot he's got another meeting in the morning that's very important, so he's going to go into work until the second meeting (the one he was going to cancel) has finished and come home for about 2pm to take the kids off me.

He leaves the house and comes straight back indoors saying he feels guilty leaving me and has told his boss that the kids and me are ill, so he's going to work from home. The reality is that he just sat on his laptop all day. We had to keep out of his way. I had to keep the kids really quiet when he had his two 'meeting' conference calls (because it would be embarrassing if they heard the kids). He gave me two 30 minute slots of time to myself all day and I spent the rest trying to clean up sick, with them crying and moaning, whilst feeing ill.

AIBU to expect him to just tell work HE was ill, so he would not have been expected to work? Or to tell them he wouldn't be working due to our illnesses? How is 'working from home' helpful to me at all? If anything it caused me more problems. I know people will say they don't have opportunity for this kind of help from a DH, but, he hardly ever has sick days and he could have helped.

When I was on Maternity leave my DH stayed at home twice when I felt too exhausted/unwell to cope. He would ring work, explain the sitiation and it was never a problem.

On another occasion I had to phone him at work to ask him to come home (I was at a low point and felt like I was too tired to carry on anymore) and again he did come home to help.

If you are too unwell to feel like you can look after the children then of course the other parent should step up. Illness is illness whether you're a SAHM or in employment, if a parent at home is too sick to manage and there is a partner available to help out then they shouldn't be martyrs. SAHP have just as much right as snyonevto rest/recuperate if they are unwell.

To say they don't have that right whereas people who are employed are entitled to sick leave just strengthens the argument that being at home with the children is of less value.

People on MN arr always saying just SAHP'hood is as much a job as paid employment is (if not harder) so parents who stay at home should also be allowed to take 'sick days' if they are needed. Children are the responsibility of both parents so if the SAHP is too unwell to look after the children then of course the other parent should take it on where possible.

I imagine this is not possible in all employments but I can't think of many jobs where a parent taking a day off to look after their children when there is no other option would be a disciplinary or sackable offence.

I imagine this is not possible in all employments but I can't think of many jobs where a parent taking a day off to look after their children when there is no other option would be a disciplinary or sackable offence.

Lying about it can be.

Be truthful is what many posters are saying.

Don't 'pull a sickie' if you aren't sick.

Tell the truth.

Hope you're feeling better now OP. As other people have said, your DH should have taken annual leave or parental leave and looked after the children so you could rest (apart from the conference call if that couldn't be rescheduled). I had tonsillitis earlier this year, and DH had to take parental leave for the day I'm not at work as I couldn't look after DD (she was in nursery the rest of the week).

He should also have been doing his share of getting up with the children in the night and dealing with the bedsheets etc - I hope he's paying attention to these comments if you're still reading the responses out to him!

It's interesting that so many people have assumed you're a SAHM when in a subsequent post you've said that you work and often rearrange meetings etc around your DH's commitments. I've been reading another thread about why it's assumed women will go part-time or stop working after children, and those comments are an example of this!

OP There's a great deal of double standards and martyrdom going on here!

There are other threads on here reaffirming how hard being a SAHP is, how it's a 24/7 job unlike any other, how important it is have support and to get a break now and again.

There are also other threads discussing how partners should and could do more to 'help' even if they work and you are a SAHP because it's a 24/7 job etc etc...

If you were a nanny being paid to look after someones children and you were ill to the point you felt unable to manage you wouldn't go to work! There's a real culture of being seen to be the last man standing and a martyr for your family. If you need help then ask for it, you're a partnership!

It's utterly horrible OP and people seem to think that you're capable of looking after small children regardless of how you feel.

I have full sympathy as I had a vomiting bug yesterday and my partner just started a new job on Monday so taking time off wasn't an option.

Hope you feel better.

Summer you're not living in the real world.

Oh course I live in real world children are never sick for one day
. When all your children have left school i would love to know how long you have stayed employed .
All 9 to 5 working parents have to back up childcare for those unexpected days
. Who is going keep employing someone who keep taking time off work for childcare issues.

As medical profession taking time off for sick kids really really .
A good nanny will come into work even she is last legs cos that is what she paid for . If a nanny is sick too offen/ has days off unexpected does not have a job for long .

In op case he husband should sorted kids before he left for work . Rang freinds to see if any 9ne could pop in and help . Sorted out a easy lunch for everyone. Then left and come back as soon as possible with work that he could after kids were a asleep.

Dh had to take dependency leave I had ear infection and couldn't move from the bed, I had 2 half year old I couldn't watch, but he didn't do it easily I had to say I could not guarantee her safety as I wasn't well enough to watch her.

Op I hope you get better soon, I think in some cases their needs to be lee way yes to help you, as you say - with some sleep and rest you can get better more quickly. Sorry you have had such horrid responses.

Haha

summer - your posts are making less sense as this thread continues.

Summer - so you really think everyone people have friends and family who happen not to work and so can just look after sick children at last minute?

All my family and friends are employed and I imagine that's the case for most and would certainly not be able to look after my DS.

I'm a nurse and in the last 18 months or so I've probably had to take a day off to care for sick DS on maybe 2 or 3 occasions. Me and my husband take it in turns to call in work if DS is ill, at least it's fair that way.

summer you really make no sense. Just as adults are sick so are kids and most employers accept that you might need an extra few days off to cover that. It's what people do and have always done. If I had a nanny I would much rather she stayed at home if she was on her "last legs" firstly so that she could recover and secondly so we could avoid the entire family getting sick too.

If you don't have a host of unemployed friends or family nearby there's really no way to cover unexpected sickness.

summer the more I read of your posts the more inane they are. No-one particularly wants to cover for their coworkers but as long as there's a genuine reason and they're not sitting around on the sofa drinking beer all day it's what you do as decent human beings. They'll do it for you when you have a terrible flu/food poisoning. It makes no difference to me whether I'm covering for someone who is sick themselves or taking care of a sick child.

summer DH and I are both full time and both have travel requirements. We are both office work so standard 9-5.30. We have no family nearby. We managed nearly 6 years now. We have always been truthful to our employers about child off sick. We didn't use annual or parental leave since DC1 started school. Just working from home in turns. I stayed on the computer. It was very easy when 5yo was sick. She was happy to lie in bed or watch tv. Much harder when younger one was. I can only see it getting easier as I'm not having anymoewz

And not every job needs a cover when doing child sick day. I assume the OP DH didn't as he could work from home. It is a full days work for me if I was at home looking after DC when I'll.

No, Summer. You are not living in the real world.

You are in some cloud cuckoo land where great and perfect childcare is on tap at the drop of a hat, no matter what the reason.

I actually wonder whether or not you have children, as you don't seem grounded in reality here.

I like that Summer seems to think we should all employ an au pair so that there is someone on tap on the off chance that one of our children is ill!

My guess is that Summer is not young and if she did have children they have long since left home.

I'm with Mary. I also think she's a bit drunk, given the last nonsensical post.

This has really divided opinion. As I commented earlier I think my dh should have stuck with his first plan and come home early instead, using parental leave.

Summer - I think this is a very unusual situation - me being ill and kids too. Never happened before. Id usually just have the kids. MIL lives 4 hours away. My mom 1hr 30 but doesn't drive. No close friends as new to area. Dh got outstanding attendance record.

Im not a SAHM - work part time and can be flexible about hours. Dh has no team to let down - he manages own workload alone.

Update - dh is now being sick in toilet as we speak and I am nauseous on top of my virus, so may get sickness bug too. So we will all be off!

Also, my kids are not the type to just lie on a sofa all day. No way - following me around crying more like it when ill and won't sit still. Working whilst caring for them just would not work.

Bet my dh will be rested up tomorrow, whilst I end up running round and doing majority of childcare! That said kids have now stopped vomiting thank god.

Working from home is really the worst bit. More work for you & pressure to keep the kids quiet. Hope you are all better..