To be absolutely furious with DS's school?

[ONHmum1]

As a back story my 5yo DS is visually impaired, attends a mainstream school with on sight provisions for various disabilities/learning difficulties. He is currently on a waiting following a referral to CAMHS for an autism diagnosis. No diagnosis yet but 99% likely he is on the spectrum.

So as of lately DS hasn't been coping very well at school, hitting out, spitting, shouting, self harming etc. The same happened last year and we put it down to the changes in school this time of year, routine has gone down the pan, room changes with decorations, practicing for nativity etc etc. Day after day I have had negative comments in his home/school book to a point I have dreaded him coming home to read what he has done. They brought in a sticker chart for him to try and work towards, have been punishing him with loss of break times and dinner times until last week when I had a phone all home from his class teacher.

She began by asking me to start punishing my son at home so that it was backed up from school, then began to explain that the next form of punishment would be exclusion from the school!!

Am I being unreasonable to be furious that they are punishing my DS for their lack of knowledge/understanding/help they are giving him to be able to manage better, rather than just punishing him???

What bothers me most is we lost an absolutely amazing LSA at the end of reception when she decided to leave for another school, she worked alongside my DS's current 1-1 support and trained her up as she had no previous experience in visual impairment or SEN at all, everything the LSA had taught her seems to have vanished!
Thankfully I have kept in touch with LSA and had a long phone call with her and even she was disgusted.
DS does not understand charts, he doesn't understand that he has lost his dinner time because he had a meltdown at 9.30am because somebody touched him. He needs positive reinforcement which doesn't appear to be happening, he has 1-1 with a completely inexperienced TA, a school which prides itself on its SEN provisions and quotes on their website:

"At (removed name) Primary School we recognise that all pupils are entitled to a quality of provision that will enable them to achieve their potential. We believe in positive intervention, removing barriers to learning, raising expectations and levels of achievement and working in partnership with other agencies in order to provide a positive educational experience for all our pupils including those with a special educational need or disability."

Is failing my son!
I was beyond upset after the phone call but now I am furious. I have a meeting tomorrow straight after school with his teacher, TA, someone from the VI team, SEN coordinator and the headteacher and Im struggling to see how I'm going to keep my cool!!

So sorry for the long post!

Newballs, firstly regarding the OP in this case you've made some massive assumptions regarding other children being "disrupted and harmed." Can you explain why you've done that?

Secondly your child starts questioning why "some children aren't told off ehen they're naughty or hurt people." This child isn't being naughty. Nor is he hurting anyone. Your job as a parent is to explain that to your child. Children with additional needs have differing abilities to control or moderate their behaviour. That isn't naughtiness. And it's ignorant to think so, and a moral failing as a parent if you don't correct your child if they think that too.

And here's the rub: the mainstream education system, and society, are set up for kids like yours. Not for kids like this one. So it may well be that your child might have some lessons disrupted. Or have to go on a different school trip because the first one was no good for a particular disabled child. But in the grand scheme of things, compared to the hurdles faced by kids with disabilities, it is nothing.

Think of it as similar to disabled spaces. They're a bit wider, and closer to the shop, aren't they? And as a result, able bodied people have to walk further. But hey, in the grand scheme of things, it's nothing, isn't it?

Some children simply can't be accommodated in mainstream, but in this case, the school are failing to get it right, to try everything, to do their duty by this child. He has the right to an education, even if that makes life inconvenient for other people. That's not hard to grasp is it?

Hi, I have and do explain.
We are a small family and have sn very close, my child does understand differences are enriching ie we are all different and that's good
The op said hissing and spitting, which I took to be disruptive and invasive- perhaps more so because of our current situation,
I agree that we need an inclusive supportive system however my child has on multiple occasions been physically impacted by the child in question and that is 'naughty' to a 5yo. I'm not out to be offensive and I'm certainly not ignorant, which is why I put a 'other side' impact
I hope you get the support you need

I don't think Gin is getting anymore of a hard time than deserved, this poster has made similar comments on another thread so clearly has an issue. This poster doesn't buy into there being a possible reason for 'bad behaviour' so the comments do not surprise me.

Sorry posted too soo' I hope the meeting goes well OP. I hope the school starts to understand where they are going wrong.

I completely agree that the convenience of NT children shouldn't be placed above the needs of other children with SN (any more than their convenience should be placed above the needs of any child without SN). But NT children have the same rights to a safe environment and education as children with SN do. Balancing the needs of individuals is always going to be incredibly tough. There is no way we can make blanket statements about who should 'suck up' what. Every situation is different.

Lougle - I'm actually horrified that your daughter is being hit everyday, regardless of the situation behind it.

228agreenend: Me too. Poor kid.

Totally agree. No one should have to suck it up, the school should be doing more. All children have to be safe! That is totally different from just excluding a child when all avenues haven't been exhausted yet.

ZanyMobster: Of course, but it's not always possible to keep all children safe. Sometimes you really have tried everything within reason. Some people here seem to be arguing that it doesn't matter what a school have tried: if it's not working it's because they aren't doing enough. And that is silly, even if it's true that they aren't in this case.

Certainly there are cases where it has to be recognised that mainstream school doesn't work for some children, but that doesn't seem to be the case for OP's child, because at least one TA was able to work successfully with him. They need to be thinking about why that is rather that resorting to punishments.

I do agree Trifle, I probably didn't explain what I meant that well. I have been on both sides at times, even though at one point my son,and others were hurt by a child regularly, the school were doing everything to help the other boy whilst also trying to keep the other children safe. Obviously it may not be the case at all times as they couldn't 100% guarantee the children wouldn't be hit but most parents would be happy if the school were doing what they can, from what the OP describes that is not the case here. In our case the boy did have to leave the school as he couldn't get the support he needed but is doing amazingly well in a school that suits his needs.

I have two children with autism. One thrives in school, one did not and is home educated. He had a terrible time at school and was treated horribly on occasion. However there was one school who did more than most, not everything they could have done but much more than the others did, he had full time one to one, his own area in the classroom, reduced time table etc. Nothing worked, no matter what we/they did, nothing worked for him and i do think that sometimes this is going to be the case. For some children school is never going to work because it's just the wrong place for them and their condition cannot be managed there. It's hard to accept because Being In School is so widely accepted as the only course of education and the thought of being responsible for your child's education is a scary idea for many - me included. In my opinion funding from local authorities to assist parents in home educating these children should be available and home educating should be a real and acceptable option, but we all know that's never going to happen.

I home educate now and my son is thriving, best choice I ever made in my life, I sure could do with some financial assistance to do so though especially as they were only too glad to see the back of him and allow me to take responsibility.

Any update OP?

lougle exactly I think if you explain it clearly children have no trouble understanding. It's just the same as someone who struggles with reading might get an extra sticker for ploughing through a level 1 reading book while another child doesn't for breezing through a level 5 book. Children understand that some things are harder for one child than another.

Sorry for the super late update!
No one but teacher and TA were at the meeting however meeting went very well. Explained how I felt and they seem to have taken it on board, I think a lot of the phone call was frustration but that is still no excuse as to how it went/was going.
They want to meet back February once Christmas is over and done with and they are back to a steady, consistent routine.
Will still be documenting everything just incase and am going to try GP to see if I can hurry assessment along or else he will be in year 2 before even being seen to.

Thankyou everyone for your messages and advice!

That seems more positive then, although weird hw SENCO wasn't there.
I'd be asking for a separate meeting with her after Xmas I think or arrange the February meeting so that she is there as well.

I hate it when you're expecting certain people at a meeting and they're not there. The SENCO, especially should have been there - it's her/his job.

Hope they actually listen.