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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Are you feeding him?

122 replies

Aliveinwanderland · 06/12/2016 10:02

Lady in the queue at supermarket asked how old my 6 week DS was, then asked "are you feeding him".

AIBU to think this is a stupid question! Of course I am feeding the baby, he wouldn't have survived the last 6 weeks if I wasn't!

I assumed she meant am I breastfeeding him- but then why is this relevant or any of her business? I don't ask an adult I first meet what they eat, why the interest in what my 6 week old baby eats?

OP posts:

neonrainbow · 07/12/2016 08:27

I'm pregnant with twins and hormonal so some of the comments ive had have really brought me low some days. Some completely random strangers have said lots of things along the lines of "oh my god you look like you're about to pop" which i feel i then have to qualify with "its twins". Cue people going "oh god you poor thing, is it your first? Well i wouldn't want to be you that's for sure! Are you going to give birth naturally? Twin births can be really risky you know. But c sections are cheating. Are you going to breastfeed? Bottle feeding is cheating. Do you know what you're letting yourself in for? You're never going to sleep again. You'll never have time to put make up on again. You've got to remember not to neglect your husband".

Not all from the same person. Lots of random throwaway comments which have got under my skin. Id say far less than half say "twins, congratulations, how lovely." Which considering how worried i am already, is the only acceptable response. Everyone else can fuck off with "making conversation". I want to say to all of them "just because you struggled with one doesn't mean ill necessarily struggle with two". But that would be snarky and i can't be that rude.

MumOfTwoMasterOfNone · 07/12/2016 08:45

There are a lot of sensitive wallflowers in the world aren't there?
People are being friendly/making conversation etc. It's a talking point with someone you know nothing else about. Give people a break! I think it's very rarely intended to be critical.

itsmine · 07/12/2016 08:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

sweetstemcauli · 07/12/2016 08:56

I think it's very rarely intended to be critical - perhaps not, but it is insensitive. You know, 'Engage brain before opening mouth' and all that.

Batteriesallgone · 07/12/2016 09:29

If you really intend to be nice you adjust your chat if you are told it could be misconstrued, could be too nosy or unkind etc.

If, however, you mean to impose yourself on other people because you enjoy chatting and so think they ought to just damn well let you, then I guess you'd think anyone who challenged you was just too sensitive.

GinAndTeaForMe · 07/12/2016 09:34

When my DS was a newborn, strangers asked the following on a regular basis: are you feeding him yourself? Does he sleep? Is he good? What is his name? What age is he?

Then, oh he's big for his age, and what a beautiful little girl

BathshebaSnowflakeStone · 07/12/2016 09:56

Unborn ohhhhh. I am thick!

I would have said "fuck my poor husband, how about poor me?"

coldcanary · 07/12/2016 10:07

That 'are you feeding him yourself?' Question is odd - why on earth would anyone try and talk to you about what you do with your tits? That's not normal in the slightest!

MumOfTwoMasterOfNone · 07/12/2016 10:08

I just don't find it offensive in the slightest (unless of course it's really personal and inappropriate). If it makes someone's day pass better by asking me questions about my baby etc. I'll gladly go along with it.
I don't tend to ask probing questions myself but I do like talking to actual people and they may be lonely or not have the best social skills. It's probably why I used to get stuck talking to my elderly neighbour for 3 hours on my drive when I got in from work....then again he offered to give me £30k! I probably should have stopped talking to him even though he was extremely lonely though, just because he asked me stuff about my life?!

BathshebaSnowflakeStone · 07/12/2016 10:13

I was genuinely perplexed by "is he good?" when DS1 was born, as I had never heard it before. I just used to say "yes", answering the question literally. If I'd known, I'd have said "no, he seems to want to be fed all night."

itsmine · 07/12/2016 10:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

sianihedgehog · 07/12/2016 10:41

I honestly think that the fact that people think breastfeeding is far too "personal" a thing to make casual conversation about is bloody depressing. Honestly, it's just feeding a baby, it's not like they are asking about your sex life.

Also, literally everyone asked this about my boy because he was a lovely big chubby baby. That's why they ask immediately after asking the age. The next line is almost always "he's clearly doing very well on it!" no matter whether you say you are breastfeeding or bottle feeding.

People just want to look at your lovely baby, and share a moment of bonding about parenting.

itsmine · 07/12/2016 11:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Camomila · 07/12/2016 11:29

I don't mind the questions as I'm fairly chatty. I'm not English so although I know not to ask personal/rude questions I don't mind answering because they'd be perfectly normal questions to ask in my culture...literally every single woman I met when I took DS to Italy asked me if I was feeding him myself, then they told me he was a giant and told me to eat loads

DH's aunties all used to ask me how many times does he feed, does he feed every 3/4 hours yet? I think they must have thought I was a bit lax when I cheerfully replied. 'I dunno, I just feed him when he seems hungry'...demand fed, not much of a routine until he started eating food.

madcatwoman61 · 07/12/2016 12:23

On the subject of twins, my sister had (fraternal) twins, and seemingly everyone stopped to comment. One lady, when told they were twins, said 'Are you sure?'!!

EnormousTiger · 07/12/2016 12:41

neon, good luck with the twins and do it all your own way. Dopn't listen to anyone else. I think I was very lucky that I had my babies about 15 years before most of my friends so had no other babies to compre them with.
Twins can be fine - I found them easier than when we had three other children under 4 who were all at different stages. (And yes I was lucky to have twins at 40 weeks not induced, no C section and fully breastfed them but everyone is different both in what they do and how they want to do it and it's not a competition).

People need to be very careful what they say to other people.

I will always remember how good my mother was at not interfering and not imposing her view and I use that as a model with my grandchild too. Parents need support and kindness not interference or someone foisting their views on them.

Kel1234 · 07/12/2016 12:48

I hate that. Some people do ask strange personal questions. There really is no need

neonrainbow · 07/12/2016 14:12

Thanks for your post enormoustiger that's really reassuring to hear

suspiciouslemur · 07/12/2016 20:48

I get what you mean but I wouldn't be bothered by it, it's what a lot of people say. A man in his 50's who was selling me a car asked me the same question! Life's too short to get offended over such things.

missm0use · 08/12/2016 02:06

I was asked that by the practice nurse who came to visit DD before she had her vaccinations. She was so negative about it and my DD's weight I phoned my HV and told her I never wanted that nurse in my house again!

oldlaundbooth · 08/12/2016 02:11

The car mechanic asked me if I planned to breastfeed the other day

Graphista · 08/12/2016 02:35

"I have never chatted to any strangers about their babies feeding. Their age and name maybe. Asking if they are feeding them isn't 'chatting' it's being nosy." This! Add a compliment about outfit/gorgeous hair/beautiful eyes job done no need for personal questions.

"A baby on the other hand is unlikely to end up on the therapist's chair because some stranger made a throwaway comment when he was x weeks old." Err and what about the hormonal knackered mother?

To wit

"I had huge guilt for not breastfeeding, PND and my uncle had just died. I was upset. I broke down in tears sobbing." Aside from the uncle passing, not terribly unusual.

Oh good grief - on twins my sister has fraternal twins who look completely unalike, but still twins (one takes for mum one takes for dad and parents very different in appearance) she was once asked if they had the same father

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