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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

about coming home and dinner time?

141 replies

KellysZeros · 06/12/2016 07:57

I'll try and describe the scene. DH and I have just moved house to a new area (no children yet). He has a busy job and I'm looking for new work (and quite likely to be doing some freelance work). We have 1 car and we live about a 10 minute drive from the train station that DH uses to get to work, and I've been dropping him off, and picking him up. I've therefore been responsible for keeping the house in order, making dinner, etc, while I look for work.

Last night, I send DH a message at 5pm asking what time he might be home. He messages back to say he'll be at the train station at 6.30. Then messages a bit later to say it will be 7, then again a bit later to say it will be 7.30.

I pick him up from the station, and when he gets home, he starts to complain that dinner is not ready. (Dinner was going to be something I could make in 20 minutes - fry some fish, boil potatoes and steamed beans). I explain it's difficult to plan when I don't know when he'll be home (he has a habit of being late, or underestimating how long something will take - together, we're often late for things).

Anyway, he says he would like to use my laptop to write some work emails while I cook dinner, so he goes off to my office (where I've been doing the freelancing). I cook dinner and after 20 minutes, I shout upstairs that dinner is ready. 5 minutes later, I go up and tell him, I wait (hungrily) downstairs, and after a further 10 minutes say I'll start without him. He eventually comes down after another 15 minutes. He then complains that my office was a bit messy.

I appreciate he has a busy stressful job, but I think his behaviour last night was so disrespectful and I'm still angry with him this morning. He feels that he is being put under pressure to come home on time, and he feels overworked.

AIBU to be annoyed with him last night?

OP posts:
ElspethFlashman · 06/12/2016 11:02

Let me guess....he's not actually the one who makes the pesto from scratch.

C'mon OP! You can't be this dumb!

Original poster
KellysZeros · 06/12/2016 11:02

I had better leave the thread soon, but to answer Maxwell's question - before we moved, we both had busy jobs and sometimes we would stay late, and so we shared the responsibilities more. DH does a perfectionist / critical streak, but before I didn't have the additional responsibility of picking him, making all the meals, etc.

OP posts:
Original poster
KellysZeros · 06/12/2016 11:03

To be fair, at the weekends, he will make pesto from scratch

OP posts:
Maxwellthecat · 06/12/2016 11:06

Did you eat your evening meal together every night then or is this a new thing?

Night0wl · 06/12/2016 11:07

I would have said 'dinner is ready' then 2 mins later, 'dinner is on the table'. He would come down to cold food. His choice and up to him to reheat said dinner!! He's taking you for granted OP. I'd take a stand, before his attitude becomes entrenched Wink

Aderyn2016 · 06/12/2016 11:07

I think he is showing you what he is really like. You didn't see it before, when you were both out of the house more.
Agree that you need to find your backbone because if you don't, your life is going to suck. He us coming across as an obnoxious twat. For god's sake, don't have a baby!

MrsSnootch · 06/12/2016 11:09

Yes and no.

I have been at both ends of this situation, and both are irritating

Original poster
KellysZeros · 06/12/2016 11:10

We did always try and eat together and to eat freshly, it's an imposition mutually agreed, but I agree it may have to change

OP posts:
bummymummy77 · 06/12/2016 11:10

If dh pulled this shit he'd be watching me gleefully eat my lovely dinner from the other side of the patio window. Grin

bummymummy77 · 06/12/2016 11:11

And his dinner too.

Maxwellthecat · 06/12/2016 11:18

And did he insist that you make all the meals now or did you offer?

BertrandRussell · 06/12/2016 11:18

Kelly, if a fresh meal is so important to him, why didn't he come to eat it when you called him?

Maxwellthecat · 06/12/2016 11:19

I think there needs to be a serious chat about expectations and what's doable and what's fair.

BertrandRussell · 06/12/2016 11:20

No big deal about him making pesto from scratch, by the way. Doesn't actually take a lot longer than opening a jar. Particularly if someone else is doing the shopping and the washing up. Which I bet they are.

Notonthestairs · 06/12/2016 11:31

You are not his mother - dont find that you have inadvertently moulded yourself in to her form.
Your lifestyle is changing (and will again if you decide to have children in the future) - you both need to adapt.
And he needs to be a bit less precious about pesto from a jar (my eyes rolled so far in to that back of my head I could see how bad my roots are looking).
Weekend cooking in this house is different from weekdays meals.

Maxwellthecat · 06/12/2016 11:33

How tight is money? Could you get one of those gousto boxes things? Where they deliver fresh meals that you just have to whip together?

CheesyWeez · 06/12/2016 11:35

If he likes cooking: he/both of you do batch meals at the weekend?

I have agreed with all of Maxwell's posts, only to find others found them offensive Confused When you're an expat non-working person it is kind of hard. Also will be v hard if you have a new baby. Is language a problem OP?

A PP said this was a ridiculous post but I disagree completely. Time for a talk. He is being unreasonable about the fresh dinners. Tell him what support you need from him.

You could go my friend's route when she moved for her husband's job: "Look, this in not working for me. I'm going back to the UK" They worked it out though and made major changes, moving closer to work and expat communities. They are still here and stronger 15 years later.

diddl · 06/12/2016 11:37

"Mise en place"?

Isn't it up to you how you prepare/cook?

All he has to do is get his arse to the table!

bummymummy77 · 06/12/2016 11:39

I'm an ex pat. I couldn't work due to waiting on my green card for a while. It's extremely isolating and brought on a fairly serious bought of OCD. It's definitely a strange time.

And like op I'd gone from working 60+ hour weeks to sitting around at home all day. You do start to obsess about the small things.

Having said that my dh still cooked half of the meals and pulled his weight in the house as he was concerned for my self worth and mental well being with such a huge change.

Mindtrope · 06/12/2016 11:39

My OH is rarely home at the time we expect. So I never plan.

In a case like your OP, I would have cooked off the potatoes and beans ( lightly steam and blanch) then cooked my own fish,

Then when OH comes in he can cook his own fish and reheat the veg while you soak in the bath.

Simple

bummymummy77 · 06/12/2016 11:41

And that's funny about the pesto thing.

We did a rare shopping trip together last week and I put a jar of pesto in the trolley for the first time (I usually make it.) He complained he didn't like jarred pesto and I told him to get fucked and make his own for once then. Grin

Original poster
KellysZeros · 06/12/2016 11:42

Sorry, if I haven´t answered questions. Money isn´t a massive problem. DH thinks that in future, 8 is a reasonable time to eat dinner. It might well be, but it means that I will have to eat or snack earlier.

OP posts:
Mindtrope · 06/12/2016 11:56

kelly- when do you think you would like to eat dinner? You don't have to agree with your OH.

And to be frank all this is very trivial and juvenile.

If you had a couple of kids in the mix life would be a tad more complicated.

80sWaistcoat · 06/12/2016 11:57

I do know where OP is coming from. I've kind of fallen into the being home earlier so I make tea trap. But that also involves the thinking about tea and what we have in and shopping for a bit extra on way home etc....

DH out of a works thing and said he'd be home at 7. Got to 7.30 and no sign so I tucked in to a big bowlful while sitting on the sofa and he got in about 5 minutes later.

I'll swear there was a look in his eye where he was about to suggest that I got up, left mine and plated his up while he got changed. Then he saw the look in my eye and sorted himself out....

Maxwellthecat · 06/12/2016 12:01

I think that seems reasonable.

The way we do it is that during the week I make a shepards pie or something in the slow cooker in the morning. Then have my day to do what I like before leaving for work at 3.30pm.
DH makes himself a snack when he gets home at 6 then turns the dinner on.
We have our dinner at 8.30 because we like to eat it together at the table and I don't get back until 8, then DH does the dishes and and the washing and all the cooking at the weekend.

We would alternate between cooking but I actually prefer to cook than do dishes.