about coming home and dinner time?

[KellysZeros]

I'll try and describe the scene. DH and I have just moved house to a new area (no children yet). He has a busy job and I'm looking for new work (and quite likely to be doing some freelance work). We have 1 car and we live about a 10 minute drive from the train station that DH uses to get to work, and I've been dropping him off, and picking him up. I've therefore been responsible for keeping the house in order, making dinner, etc, while I look for work.

Last night, I send DH a message at 5pm asking what time he might be home. He messages back to say he'll be at the train station at 6.30. Then messages a bit later to say it will be 7, then again a bit later to say it will be 7.30.

I pick him up from the station, and when he gets home, he starts to complain that dinner is not ready. (Dinner was going to be something I could make in 20 minutes - fry some fish, boil potatoes and steamed beans). I explain it's difficult to plan when I don't know when he'll be home (he has a habit of being late, or underestimating how long something will take - together, we're often late for things).

Anyway, he says he would like to use my laptop to write some work emails while I cook dinner, so he goes off to my office (where I've been doing the freelancing). I cook dinner and after 20 minutes, I shout upstairs that dinner is ready. 5 minutes later, I go up and tell him, I wait (hungrily) downstairs, and after a further 10 minutes say I'll start without him. He eventually comes down after another 15 minutes. He then complains that my office was a bit messy.

I appreciate he has a busy stressful job, but I think his behaviour last night was so disrespectful and I'm still angry with him this morning. He feels that he is being put under pressure to come home on time, and he feels overworked.

AIBU to be annoyed with him last night?

There is no law that says the person at home has to cook and that's not the way it works at my house as dh is the better cook and enjoys cooking. I make food for the children and then we eat what dh cooks later (as dh is normally late home)

And yes, he was disrespectful to complain about it not being ready and then not come to the table when it was ready.

I don't mean to be rude but you actually sound like you're bored.

Sometimes people are late from work, it happens and it's unreasonable to expect that someone can tell you the exact time they will be back especially if it's a new job. I'm assuming he doesn't drive to work so that you can have the car during the day so you have to expect to pick him up from the station and if he's late then that time will change.

If I were you I'd get a slow cooker and go make some friends so you're not watching the clock for him to come back.

Slow cookers make crap food that all tastes the same!

And I think you are beig rude (on purpose) Maxwellthecat

Er, how did he think you were going to pick him up from the station and cook a 20 mins meal at the same time? Do you have a teleport machine?
Take care to tackle this now as he may be getting into a mindset of "I'm busy and important and I can do what I like without challenge - she is a woman and should do what I expect of her".

This.

He's treating you as a member of his staff, OP. I would be having a stern chat with him about respect and boundaries.

In addition, if it's your home office, you can be as untidy as you like in there.

Tell him that if he doesn't like the way you keep your office he has the rest of the house to work in.

If you also only live a 10min drive from station, can't Dh look at cycling to and from station?

I'm not being rude on purpose at all, I'd actually missed the bit about him going into the office and complaining about the mess and not coming down for dinner.

Yes he sounds like a twat. It's your office you can have it how you like it and if you've cooked for him he should be at the table in a shot.

I'm in during the day so I do the cooking but my DH is so unbelievably grateful for it, I could literally give him a carrot and he'd act like I made him a ten course meal.

Also slow cookers don't only make mush that all tastes the same, you can make tons of different meals in them.

You are not his mother.

He needs to get over himself....not making the same meal twice in a month and being hypercritical over chores.....fuck that shit! He, like PP have said is being a manchild.

Kelly, my DH is not the most domesticated....but he wouldn't dream of critising the cleanliness of the house, mess, what has been made for dinner or that dinner wasn't ready when he got home...

You need to set boundaries and repeat as follows.

I am not your mother, I am not your domestic servant, I am not your PA

How do boiled potatoes only take 20 minutes?

It takes at least 10 for the water to boil.

I think there are a number of things here that need addressing - just because he works doesn't mean you get to do all the donkey work in terms f "living" he still needs to contribute so you have time to job hunt especially as it is all for him that the move happened.

You need to alternate coking, I would have an agreed menu for the week - or selection of available meals that you can cook when you want to. Agree evening meal before he goes out the door - you can have stuff ready for cooking whether its you or him. You do need to think about journey to and from Station- is moped a possibility? Is there public transport?? You won't be able to drop him when you are working?? SO he needs to grow out of that or else you will be job hunting around his idea of what he needs you to be able to do! You also need to divide up the paperwork and furniture building - its all eating your freelancing and work hunting time - that should be as sacrosanct as work hours. What happens if you end up just freelancing, will you be home so have to do all the home stuff too??

Oh and my DH walks to the station (half an hour in total) why can't your DP do the same?

If my husband behaved like this, I would throw his dinner into the garden. I'm not even kidding!

I think that during the week, if your DH is so unpredictable, it makes sense to have meals that can be re-heated in the microwave, or simply removed from the oven when you get back from picking him up from the station.

If he is delayed, you should be able to eat yours when you are hungry, don't wait for him. When he gets home he can eat straight away and you can join him with a coffee or something and chat.

Maxwell, I take your point that I am a bit bored (although I'm good at keeping myself busy), it is a bit of a strange position to be in (I've never not had a job), and I am a bit sensitive to it. I am keen to sit and have dinner with my DH in the evening. When I worked, I would sometimes be late, but I fear getting into a pattern of me being the trailing spouse / maid.

Navy! My poor Mother's turning in her grave

FunnyLittleTwerp,
Your post made my blood boil.
Ok honestly, our dinners were nearly going in the same direction in our house and I just fucking flipped one day. DH had a job once where he could be home at 11pm and I was about dropping from the day and would dutifully prepare food for him. Then I moved on to microwave meals, didn't like the taste or quality. Then saved dinner to be reheated, doesn't like reheated food.
Reverted to gourmet style sandwiches, if it had been refrigerated he didn't like it.
Hot toasties, compared it to kids teatime food.
So I flipped and told him I'm sick of this fussy childlike shit over food! Eat out or make it yourself I gave up and left him to it. If he was at home at dinner time he'd have a hot fresh meal otherwise I'm not bothering anymore.
I felt bad as he works hard and is fabulous usually but this whole fussy pandering really upset me and wore me out. I fucking hate cooking, yes I really do. But it's necessary to feed my family decent food and meals. He knows now dinner time is dinner time and it's easy to become a slave to it. It's just the both of you for now. What will he be like when you have kids and need to meet his dinner expectations?

I boil the kettle too sorry mammyworra

We've only been here a month, so we're exploring and trying to find a rhythm, but as others suggest, we need to get off on a good foot. As with most domestic arguments, they're not about the thing the argument is about - it's about finding our roles as DH and DW as expats, in new surroundings, and wanting to feel respected

(I boiled the kettle too)

It's a really hard one Kelly, I work evenings which means I'm at home during the day and it took ages to get the balance right. I used to feel soooooo guilty when I met friends for a cup of tea in the day because I felt it was indulgent it took ages to switch my thinking to that was my time off and I could do what I like with it.
You are freelancing and looking for work so you ARE working and you deserve downtime as much as anyone else and you need to see other people otherwise you'll rely solely on your husband and it's too much for the relationship. Try not to worry that you'll never find work and you'll become a house maid, you seem like a determined woman who will do anything to prevent that from happening.
Is there any expat groups you could join?

There are some expat groups - however, we chose to live a bit further out from the city here in the countryside - I've gone into the city to one of the expat groups, so I'll make friends