about coming home and dinner time?

[KellysZeros]

I'll try and describe the scene. DH and I have just moved house to a new area (no children yet). He has a busy job and I'm looking for new work (and quite likely to be doing some freelance work). We have 1 car and we live about a 10 minute drive from the train station that DH uses to get to work, and I've been dropping him off, and picking him up. I've therefore been responsible for keeping the house in order, making dinner, etc, while I look for work.

Last night, I send DH a message at 5pm asking what time he might be home. He messages back to say he'll be at the train station at 6.30. Then messages a bit later to say it will be 7, then again a bit later to say it will be 7.30.

I pick him up from the station, and when he gets home, he starts to complain that dinner is not ready. (Dinner was going to be something I could make in 20 minutes - fry some fish, boil potatoes and steamed beans). I explain it's difficult to plan when I don't know when he'll be home (he has a habit of being late, or underestimating how long something will take - together, we're often late for things).

Anyway, he says he would like to use my laptop to write some work emails while I cook dinner, so he goes off to my office (where I've been doing the freelancing). I cook dinner and after 20 minutes, I shout upstairs that dinner is ready. 5 minutes later, I go up and tell him, I wait (hungrily) downstairs, and after a further 10 minutes say I'll start without him. He eventually comes down after another 15 minutes. He then complains that my office was a bit messy.

I appreciate he has a busy stressful job, but I think his behaviour last night was so disrespectful and I'm still angry with him this morning. He feels that he is being put under pressure to come home on time, and he feels overworked.

AIBU to be annoyed with him last night?

I have to admit, last week was quite nice. He was travelling for the week with work, so I had some time to batch cook meals, and I'm quite happy to eat the same meal two or three days running. I could go for a few runs and read as well as the domestic stuff, without having to worry about picking him up. I could watch what I wanted to on Netflix.

I love him, I really do, but it's nice to let off some steam.

He sounds like a spoilt baby.

"Unless this is part of a bigger picture, I think he's just had a bad day."

We can all be arseholes on occasion. However, we then apologize.

'never had the same meal twice in a month'??? Fuck that shit.

You need to have a long, hard chat and set some boundaries. Yes, it's fair that you cook while you're not working, but equally your job is NOT to be his personal chef. A long, cool look and 'I am not your mother' on repeat might help. He's being a tit and how you handle this now will set the pattern for the rest of your relationship.

For example, if you've planned a 20 minute quick dinner and done all the prep, why couldn't he physically cook it? I'd be having him do that at least twice a week, until he starts valuing the favours you are doing him.

Kelly
Are you going to respond to EVERYBODY who has told you to take a stand or do you just want to moan and leave everything as it is?

Amen to PassiveAgressiveQueen.
You don't work for him.

Twerp - In your shoes I would be ordering takeaway!
My DH expects me to have made dinner too (fair enough as I'm not working). I never know when he's coming in - he will text 5ish with a rough indication. But he NEVER moans and is always very appreciative. Also two nights a week he's usually away, so that's Wagamama or some kind of pasta for me and the kids!

Sorry, PA Queen - you're right. I agree with everyone who has said I need to take a stand. I'm being a bit guilty of being self-indulgent and enjoying letting steam off over what I see as a pattern.

I do have to set boundaries though with him and have a good chat. I don't want to get in the pattern of being the trailing spouse waiting at home while he goes off and does the big important job.

Aw, for goodness sake come off it, you are at home looking for work, with only the two of you the house is hardly high maintenance. You drive him to work and pick him up, he's sometimes late, so bloody what. Plan dinner, get a microwave. Your not working down a mine. Get a grip.

He sounds rude.

However I would suggest aiming for a certain time dinner each day so if he's home early he helps, if not you eat without and reheat. Say 7.30pm dinner. So if he's home 5.30pm he cooks or together, if 7.30 you eat together still, if 9pm he reheats or makes himself something

I have to agree that if you are at home you should be making dinner. I would be annoyed if I came back from work and my spouse had been at home all day and hadn't made the dinner. There are loads of things that you can prepare and heat up when he gets back.

How rude!! In our house, if you're not at the table 2 mins after the cook has said that a meal is ready, everyone starts eating.

Sounds like your h has picked up ideas about a man's role and a woman's role from his parents and hasn't stopped to think about his preconceived beliefs since he grew up.

Time to perhaps make a list of all the things you do, compared to what he does? And point out how much all those things would cost if he had to pay for them? Point out that you're both contributing in different ways and he's being a disrespectful twat.

If he really thinks you're 'beneath' him for earning less, and he continues to take you for granted, I'd think seriously about the future of your relationship.

Leaveit, I'm not complaining about the amount of work, rather his lack of consideration. Had he come home at 7.30 and I had berated him for being late, I could understand, but he came home and attacked me for dinner not being ready. I like the idea of setting a dinner time and reheating if necessary.

I'm utterly amazed that anyone has said 'oh he's had a bad day' as if that excuses his shitty behaviour.

He sounds like he thinks of you as unpaid staff and has lots of ideas about the role you should fill and even when you are doing exactly what he wants, is still critical.

Honestly, he sounds like a selfish dick and I think life with him will be demeaning and miserable.

Fwiw, my dh has a stressful job but comes home and cooks for us both. I work part time but hate cooking so even during three maternity leaves he's cooked. We share the load overall though. Be very wary of the direction you are travelling in with this man.

You sound like your very happy with your own company. But could you join groups in your area? You'll find people to do things with in the week. Then you'll be happier to prep dinner / run to the station if you've been out doing yoga/swimming/coffee/chess/church?/visiting local attractions/drinking cocktails/networking for your new business.
There might be an expat-trailing-spouse community to join near you.

I'm worried that it will eat away at your marriage if you leave it like this. Then one day you won't want to eat the dinner with him at all.
Sorry to be a bit gloomy when you just came on to vent a bit I'd come round for a tea as I'm an expat myself

Bloody hell, wait till you have kids!!!

He's not entitled to dinner on the table. If you want to make it, make it for 6pm each night, if he's not back he'll have to reheat it.

I wouldn't be setting myself up for a future of this. I hope he cooks at the weekend!

He's rude and has no business complaining the office is messy. You need to tell him he was rude, it will not happen again and while you're at it can he explain how you could cook dinner while you're picking him up. Make him walk tonight. Too busy tidying your office job hunting.

I also have no problem with making dinner, but it would be easier to know when they might be home. Last night was an example of me trying to gauge at 5.00pm when he would be leaving, which he underestimated by an hour. This is quite a regular thing, so I have a dinner that can be made in 20 minutes.

If I don't know whether he'll be at home at 6 or 9, it does make it hard to plan and re-heat. I do need to be a bit better organised though.

I actually don't think it's about 'mans work' and 'women's work' it's about who is at home. If the roles were reversed and she was on here saying that her partner was in the house all day everyone would be saying the partner should make dinner.

I'd love a list of the meals that his mum used to cook!

Thank goodness my husband has always worked at places with a works canteen!

CheesyWeez, I agree that being an expat adds to the mix of this, or feeling a bit isolated (hence it's nice to have a chat on here about it and let off steam). I do quite like my own company and am very good reading, listening to the radio, etc.

Make a casserole type thing or a shepards pie which can be popped in the oven to heat up as you go and collect him.

Would you beable to get another car? You then aren't at his beck and call twice a day.

You really do need to speak to him and tell him the way he is speaking/treating you is really pissing you off! He's needs to know this and will hopefully change his ways.

I must be a spoiled lazy cow then as dh comes home from work then he makes dinner! Depending on what we are having, I may prep some veg, etc for him. I would be pissed off by him expecting you to cook at the same time as picking him up too.

Maxwell, I don't think I am arguing that I shouldn't be making dinner. My complaint was that after having asked him when he would be home 6.30 and him being an hour home later than expected, he complained that dinner was going to take 20 minutes when he did get home. When it was cooked, he took 30 minutes to get to the table. I found that very disrespectful